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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding 'Wills' and who gets what or not as the case may be?

151 replies

Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 16:19

Am I one of the few on the net that feels that the Will owner has the right to give or not give etc whatever he or she wants to whomever or not?

The number of stories and threads I've read, and heard with sibling/family fall out as one or more feel they've been left out or cared the most and left out/etc/etc.

Worse still is a couple of cases in the recent year or so where a high court judge overturned a Will

As long as the owner of the will is of sound mind and has the capacity to decide, why do people that get nothing, less etc complain etc, etc?

In my culture, more often than not the son/s get everything this dates back from their motherland as it was often land that was passed on and almost everyone was married o it worked out fairly. However, many older people still practice this kind of thing as my parents did but it did not bother me as we are on our own two feet and never wanted anything from anyone. Sorry, I digress.

Back on topic. AIBU in believing that the person that owns the assets has the ultimate say and this may upset some/all but it is their money.

We've already substantially helped all of our children to reduce their mortgages and the reason we did this is that they never asked and if they had the answer would have been no. No, because they work and should learn to live within their means.

Am I in a miniorty? I don't really care what someone says EG "I looked after..." "they have a lot more money than us.." etc etc - its the Will owner's money etc their choice, would you agree with me implicitly?

OP posts:
pocketvenuss · 02/01/2023 20:15

Not just Scottish law. Spanish and French law also dictates that your estate goes to dc. Surviving spouse doesn't even get it all. It gets split

Original poster
Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 20:18

TheSingingBean · 02/01/2023 19:51

Everyone is at liberty to do whatever they want with their assets.

However, when we die everything will be divided equally between our children, I think to do anything else is fundamentally unfair.

I have seen unequal distribution of parental assets destroy relationships, NOT because of the money but because of what it represents. As Daisy Goodwin put it, when a beloved parent dies what is parcelled out may look like goods and chattels, but it feels a lot like love.

I’m sorry OP but my idea of good parenting is very different to yours. I can’t imagine ever penalising a son or daughter who asked for financial help if they were in need. On the contrary, we’ve told our children they must let us know if they’re struggling.

This bit
"However, when we die everything will be divided equally between our children, I think to do anything else is fundamentally unfair."

Utter rubbish with respect.
EG, a child that steals from you, attacks you, spits on you beats up siblings and has no respct for you or your OH, and you'd do that! Incredible!

OP posts:
TheSingingBean · 02/01/2023 20:21

Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 20:18

This bit
"However, when we die everything will be divided equally between our children, I think to do anything else is fundamentally unfair."

Utter rubbish with respect.
EG, a child that steals from you, attacks you, spits on you beats up siblings and has no respct for you or your OH, and you'd do that! Incredible!

Show quote history

’Utter rubbish…….with respect’
😂

Bratnews · 02/01/2023 20:23

For Scotland it’s only the ‘moveable’ estate they children have a claim on. As property makes up most of the value of estates then you can ‘disinherit’ from quite a significant portion of the estate. Of the ‘moveable’ estate children can claim on one third to one half depending if there is a surviving spouse.

nauticant · 02/01/2023 20:24

I'm getting quite into proprietary/promissory estoppel cases now:

www.footanstey.com/our-insights/articles-news/proprietary-estoppel-cases-in-farming-communities-on-the-rise/

Echobelly · 02/01/2023 20:27

I do think it is ultimately the say of the person who makes the will as long as they are if sound mind. This does mean unfair things will happen, eg if they take against a potential inheritor for a, reason of personal prejudice, but on the whole it's the best way to do things.

We have a childless aunt whose death is pretty imminent and she holds the remains of a large estate of an uncle that was expected to go to us but from what I've heard some other relative no ones heard of has popped up and now he's getting it and it's kind of annoying but hey, we hardly know her and if perhaps this person has made an effort to connect with her when we didn't then that's just the way it goes.

urbanbuddha · 02/01/2023 20:29

As Daisy Goodwin put it, when a beloved parent dies what is parcelled out may look like goods and chattels, but it feels a lot like love.

This.
And what is perceived as unfairness can sour the relationships between the adult siblings and spoil the family dynamic.

WomanhoodIsABirthright · 02/01/2023 20:31

Velda · 02/01/2023 16:34

It is up to the will writer what they leave to who. But they obviously must know that not treating people equally will lead to resentment. I don’t speak to half of my family because my uncle convinced my Gran to change her will and leave everything to him (which he shared out among his own kids). My cousins and I will probably never speak again because of what my Gran did.

But you weren't entitled to her money, it was hers to do as she wished with.

Yanbu op, I always think this when I see a grabby inheritance thread.

Ginger1982 · 02/01/2023 20:34

"Utter rubbish with respect.
EG, a child that steals from you, attacks you, spits on you beats up siblings and has no respct for you or your OH, and you'd do that! Incredible!"

And yet, you're at pains to say that a person can leave their money to whomever they want?

Original poster
Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 20:39

Ginger1982 · 02/01/2023 20:34

"Utter rubbish with respect.
EG, a child that steals from you, attacks you, spits on you beats up siblings and has no respct for you or your OH, and you'd do that! Incredible!"

And yet, you're at pains to say that a person can leave their money to whomever they want?

Their choice, their money, it is honestly as simple as that

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 02/01/2023 20:46

Yes, but you're contradicting yourself in your own responses.

Sarahcoggles · 02/01/2023 20:47

Of course people have the right to choose their own beneficiary, but as others have said, they have to be aware there will be consequences. And leaving misery, anger and confusion isn't exactly a great legacy is it.

Imagine how you'd feel OP if your husband died and left his half of the house to a local millionaire. You'd have to accept it but it wouldn't feel good would it, having to sell the house and move and so on.

Littlewhitecat · 02/01/2023 20:48

OP with your "utter rubbish... With respect" comment you are assuming that parents don't give money to shit offspring. Many posters on here have very real experiences of (usually male) siblings who have behaved appallingly being given money which essentially rewards bad behaviour. Yes people can chose who they want to give money to but that doesn't stop people having opinions about it. I'm just about to inherit a substantial sum from a relative I spent the last 3 years looking after. My brothers are also inheriting exactly the same amount when they did fuck all. I have to accept it, but I don't have to like it. Likewise my mum has chosen to give one brother around £200k as he has lurched from one disaster to another. This is not balanced out in her will and my dad ( whom my mum inherited this huge wealth from would be horrified that she has done this) but I and my other brother just have to accept it. It doesn't mean we agree with it.

GrumpyPanda · 02/01/2023 20:48

Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 16:36

I'm gobsmacked!
Why have people not demanded a change in the law, IW the Will owner's money/etc their choice?

Show quote history

It's similar in my country. Not sure why you believe people should be up in arms about it? I suspect most of us identify at least as easily with the potential heirs as with the will-writer.

More generally, your post smacks of a cult of individualism that I suspect goes counter to many people's feelings. On the macro level, many continental European countries subscribe to an ethics of subsidiarity that views families as core social units and source of mutual support. Cuts both ways - children can't be completely disinherited unless there's a lengthy prison sentence etc involved (just being NC wouldn't count.) Equally well-off children would be expected to supplement destitute parents' cost of care.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2023 21:01

Their choice, their money, it is honestly as simple as that

According to you. Not according to many others.

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 02/01/2023 21:01

Lots of contradictions here, and I honestly think you're naive if you think kids don't care what is spent on whom. It's often not the material amounts but what they seem to represent.

Obviously people are free to leave money how they like, just as people are free to spend 90% of their time and effort with one child over another. It doesn't make it right. We will be leaving our kids equal amounts.

Original poster
Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 23:10

It is incredible but not unexpected. No matter how many insults are thrown at me for my/our stance that those gifting money/etc in their Will have every right to decide who is in, who is out, who gets what and who gets naff all, credit to these people that are not shy of doing the right thing.

Thankfully, over 40% are in favour of the Will owner deciding who get what and who gets left out

Please do not forget, it is NOT your money/etc, it is their money/etc and they decide within Englands rules regarding dependents and I'm really happy with that.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2023 23:16

Thankfully, over 40% are in favour of the Will owner deciding who get what and who gets left out

Does that mean over 50% aren't? Like, a majority?

The fact is 90% of the time I agree that it's the writer's prerogative. Disinheriting women though, nope.

daffodilandtulip · 02/01/2023 23:22

My sister has always been the golden child. I don't speak to any of my family anymore. But many years before the Big Fallout, (and not connected to any fallout), my parents made my sister both the sole heir and the legal power of attorney. The only thing I feel about this is that it's more proof of their feelings, I couldn't care less about the money.

Original poster
Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 23:24

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/01/2023 23:16

Thankfully, over 40% are in favour of the Will owner deciding who get what and who gets left out

Does that mean over 50% aren't? Like, a majority?

The fact is 90% of the time I agree that it's the writer's prerogative. Disinheriting women though, nope.

So what are you going to do about it ie the women that are left out even though the law has changed in India? What will you say to the ladies that declare they do not want the parents' money/land etc?

You agree "09% of the " - To me, unless the Will was forced upon the writer, I am 100% with the fact it is the Will owners' prerogative that they leave out and makes me really very angry when families fight over how got what and not.

Att ALL: A poster here posted a very important bit of info that may help you all. If you really cant stand the site of someone or you do not want money to go to them and they are not dependents, then write in the will the NAME/s of these person/s so there is no ambiguity whatsoever if the Will is ever challenged

OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 02/01/2023 23:24

Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 23:10

It is incredible but not unexpected. No matter how many insults are thrown at me for my/our stance that those gifting money/etc in their Will have every right to decide who is in, who is out, who gets what and who gets naff all, credit to these people that are not shy of doing the right thing.

Thankfully, over 40% are in favour of the Will owner deciding who get what and who gets left out

Please do not forget, it is NOT your money/etc, it is their money/etc and they decide within Englands rules regarding dependents and I'm really happy with that.

Of course the will owner gets to decide, but it doesn't mean that what they decide is necessarily right. I could, if I wanted to, only give Christmas presents to one of my kids. It's my choice, legally. But morally it's wrong.

TheSingingBean · 02/01/2023 23:24

I haven’t seen any insults being thrown at you OP, just people explaining why they don’t share your views. Isn’t that what you expect when you post in AIBU?

Again, I agree that everyone has the right to distribute their money as they wish. But I, and others it seems, believe it’s important to have consideration for how it’s done and what it means for those who benefit (or not) from an inheritance.

You have a different view and that’s fine 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 23:25

daffodilandtulip · 02/01/2023 23:22

My sister has always been the golden child. I don't speak to any of my family anymore. But many years before the Big Fallout, (and not connected to any fallout), my parents made my sister both the sole heir and the legal power of attorney. The only thing I feel about this is that it's more proof of their feelings, I couldn't care less about the money.

Thanks for sharing and credit to your parents for doing what they wanted to for reasons you may or may not be aware of. Credit to you re your stance.

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 02/01/2023 23:26

No

you can’t fall out with your spouse or have an affair change the will and die a week later leaving him or her nothing. I’m glad the high court has the power to intervene where necessary

Bard6817 · 02/01/2023 23:27

Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 16:36

I'm gobsmacked!
Why have people not demanded a change in the law, IW the Will owner's money/etc their choice?

Show quote history

It’s not that big a deal. Generally people believe it’s a fair system that stops silliness.

That being said, in my case my Scottish father will have to split his estate two ways between me and my sister. But, i’m NC with all of them, so it will be a case of my half being transferred to me then to my two nieces, conducted by lawyers. I just don’t want it, but if i needed it, and i’m lucky to not need it, then i would have recourse.

Generally though, there are lots of ways to get around these things, for instance in england i understand if someone is excluded completely, they have more recourse than someone who has been given a small percentage.