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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel Like DH Doesn’t Respect my Boundaries

158 replies

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:14

Sex has been an issue for us for a long time. Our DS is 18 months and isn’t a good sleeper, which means we aren’t often intimate. To be fair to DH, we can have a few months where we don’t have sex, but go through periods where we manage once a week.

I had a traumatic forceps birth and as a result have two prolapses, and now found intercourse quite uncomfortable, I’m still BF too and find I don’t have much of a sex drive, but I still try to make the effort when I feel able to.

Something I’ve struggled with is that my DH wants a lot of attention from me and is almost quite needy since having DS. And I’m almost fearful of too much touching or kissing as he then wants more and I’m not willing or able to give it.

We spoke the other day and I asked him if we could set aside one evening a week for intimacy/sex, and then put it off the table the rest of the week, so that I feel less pressure and more able to be affectionate towards him without worrying about him wanting more. He said yes fine, however he’s clearly not understood as today during DS’s nap he’s asking me to ‘help him out’ so to speak. He works from home and so we are in the house together a lot, and for me it feels like I never get a break from it. I feel like he feels he can ask for it at the drop of a hat whenever he pleases and it’s too much.

In addition to this, he knows I’m having a bad time with DS at the moment. He’s extremely clingy to me, I regularly feel touched out and am up BF still several times in the night. I just feel like DH can’t understand me at all to think it’s ok to do things like this.

Another example is when DS was just a few months old. He was a poorly baby and we had to have a lot of tests and I was in hospital with him until he was 14 days old. At 3 months we got some test results back which showed an abnormality and more tests needed. We got the results on a Saturday and I couldn’t get much info from the doctor. On the Sunday I was still very upset and spent a lot of the day in tears. While I was crying downstairs, by DH was upstairs trying to get me to send dirty texts to him. He’s not a bad person, but I just cannot forget that incident and cannot understand how he got that so so wrong, and how he was even in the mood when we had had such horrible news.

AIBU here? Is he just a normal bloke? Is it me that’s the problem because of having a low sex drive and a toddler that doesn’t sleep well? Should I just be getting on with my ‘wifely’ duties? Or am I right to feel like he’s not respecting my boundaries and how I feel?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 02/01/2023 13:18

Trying to get you to send dirty tests when you were upset? No, this is not normal and if you agreed to one day a week then he wants more, that’s unfair. He can have expectations, but he needs to understand that you are touched out. Have you told him this?

kateclarke · 02/01/2023 13:19

This is really not normal and quite disgusting. I haven’t any useful advice, just wanted to say that it’s him and not you.

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:24

@Cherrysoup I mean even this morning I told him that I had a little cry in the car on the way back from the park as it was so stressful and just a disaster, and then he text me at lunch time asking how I was, and I thought ‘oh he’s checking in because I was upset’ but no, it was because he wanted to know if I could ‘help him out’…I get that men have a higher sex drive but I feel like I never get a break from feeling that pressure and like I’m just around to see to him whenever he feels like it because of him working from home 😖

OP posts:
poefaced · 02/01/2023 13:25

He definitely isn’t respecting your boundaries.

You agreed one day a week for intimacy/sex and he pressured you outside of that day, so he is a liar who cannot keep to what he agreed.

How he can see his wife struggle with multiple feeds and see her upset at their child’s illness and yet pester her for sexting is beyond me.

I’m sorry to say, I don’t think he cares about you or your child.

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:25

@kateclarke to be fair he has thought about seeing the GP before about his sex drive. Glad you think it’s not me at fault here though. Sometimes I think I’m the issue because I’m not meeting his needs.

OP posts:
poefaced · 02/01/2023 13:26

Is he sleeping during the night when you’re up with DS? He should be kissing your feet in gratitude.

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:26

@Cherrysoup no not mentioned about the feeling touched out thing. I’ve said it in the past and I just don’t think he gets it 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:27

@poefaced i wouldn’t go that far. I just think for some reason his desire for sex/sexual attention takes over for some reason, which isn’t fair on me I agree.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 02/01/2023 13:27

He sounds pretty awful. Very awful, selfish and insensitive, in fact. He's an adult man, a husband and father, not a dog. He should be able to control his "needs".

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:27

@poefaced sometimes, our house isn’t all that big, but it’s always me that gets up to DS.

OP posts:
FromTheFront2theBack · 02/01/2023 13:28

That's gross OP I would feel totally turned off by that.

You say he's not a bad person. If you're sure that's true then you need to have a very explicit conversation with him. I had an ex who, I suspect, was on the spectrum. He had a high sex drive and would use sex as a stress relief so would often make moves when I was upset since he assumed I'd feel, as he did, that it was a great way to relieve stress (I didn't at all - if I'm stressed I have no sex drive at all and it feels like a massive effort to me). Once I expliclty told him how I felt about it he did stop.

I would be very very clear with your DH that you don't want sex or any sexual interaction at all between the one evening a week. Make sure he fully understands that it's off the table and that isn't just sex - sex talk, groping, flirting, planning future sex. All of it it is a no go. Let him know what he can do to help when you're upset. If he continues to cross your boundaries then I don't think he can possibly claim ignorance and he's being incredibly selfish.

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:28

@roarfeckingroarr i of course get that men have needs and I suppose for them it’s the same as needing sleep maybe, but there has to be some boundaries and I don’t know how to make him see that.

OP posts:
Unhappymumma · 02/01/2023 13:29

I would absolutely hate that

Boomboom22 · 02/01/2023 13:30

He sounds horrific, sex obsessed like a teenager. Absolutely disgusting. Tbh once a week is a lot of sex when you have an 18 month old and work. Surely he should be sacked if he spends all day sexually harassing g you by text instead of working g! Leave ASAP. Also wifely duties wtaf?

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:30

@FromTheFront2theBack thats really helpful thank you. That’s part of the problem!! I feel completely turned off just like you said. I can’t stand the neediness and I also feel very hurt that he would treat me this way too.

OP posts:
Edinburghmusing · 02/01/2023 13:31

Bloody hell men don’t have sexual needs - they have sexual wants

you never ever have to have sex if you don’t want to. Have you told him it’s uncomfortable beczue of the prolapse - does he give a fuck?

if you don’t want sex - the answer is not for you to still do it - it’s to be clear on your feelings. If that’s the end of the marriage so be it - that’s not a failing on your part

how much time has he ever spent on ski gsurenyiu are sexually satisfied? I’m going to guess zero.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 02/01/2023 13:32

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:28

@roarfeckingroarr i of course get that men have needs and I suppose for them it’s the same as needing sleep maybe, but there has to be some boundaries and I don’t know how to make him see that.

Men don’t have ‘needs’ any more than women do. Sex isn’t a thing they have to have otherwise they explode; it’s something they might want and enjoy (just as women do) but they are also completely capable of controlling their urges (just as women are). I imagine some of them enjoy and take advantage of the fiction that men have ‘needs’ that must be seen to, but that’s all it is - fiction.

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:32

@Boomboom22 i would say it’s almost at that level, like he’s 17 or something! But is it not in a way my fault because we’re not having sec that often? Tbh I thought that once a week was pretty good going, especially with a toddler that sleeps so badly. I wasn’t really sure how often was considered normal or acceptable and so thought maybe once a week wasn’t good enough. I get that everyone has different sex drives, but once a week does take effort but it very much feels like it’s not good enough.

OP posts:
MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 02/01/2023 13:33

You need to stop with the 'all men have needs' thinking. It isn't true and it isn't helpful.

It's better to think something specific and communicate that, for example 'you are continually pressuring me for sex at the wrong times, in the wrong situations. I am not a sex hole. I will not respond well to that. What would be better is x, y and z.'

The expectation that you will 'help someone out' would clam my fanny shut forever.

poefaced · 02/01/2023 13:33

I suppose for them it’s the same as needing sleep

It’s really not. It’s just the way men/society dresses it up to make women feel obliged to comply.

GreenManalishi · 02/01/2023 13:33

It's not you, this is gross.

He's not a bad person, but he's doing a pretty good impression of one. The very fact that you feel that you even have "wifely duties" to perform is an issue, it's patriarchal bullshit at it's finest.

Pestering you for sex when you're in tears is a very low bar for him to have hit, it doesn't matter how much of a walking hard on he is, the difference between us and animals is that we should have the intelligence to control our sexual urges, not walk around humping everything that moves and demanding sex when it's completely inappropriate like a baboon.

This is not a relationship, he doesn't see you as a person, he's not listening to you or seeing you, and it doesn't sound like there's anything in it for you at all, other than a husband in name.

poefaced · 02/01/2023 13:34

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:32

@Boomboom22 i would say it’s almost at that level, like he’s 17 or something! But is it not in a way my fault because we’re not having sec that often? Tbh I thought that once a week was pretty good going, especially with a toddler that sleeps so badly. I wasn’t really sure how often was considered normal or acceptable and so thought maybe once a week wasn’t good enough. I get that everyone has different sex drives, but once a week does take effort but it very much feels like it’s not good enough.

But 17yos would masturbate themselves.

Why does he see it as your job to ‘help him out’?

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:35

@Edinburghmusing he does know I find it uncomfortable. To be honest I’ve never found intercourse that enjoyable…I’ve often felt like it’s something I’ve just had to get on with in other relationships too. God that sounds awful doesn’t it. And now obviously it’s worse with prolapses. Actually he does put a lot of effort into trying to make sure it’s good for me too, I know he sounds awful from what I’ve said, but he’s actually a kind good person, I just think his sex drive takes over and he forgets everything else somehow 😭

OP posts:
kateclarke · 02/01/2023 13:37

@MintGreenLife he is not meeting your needs! His role is to love and support you as his partner and mother of his child, not put all this extra pressure on you.

Xrays · 02/01/2023 13:37

He actually seems really disconnected from your feelings and the reality of your lives at the moment. Does he ever look after your child on his own? It’s like life hasn’t changed for him and he doesn’t realise how much it’s changed for you. His whole attitude is completely wrong.