To Feel Like DH Doesn’t Respect my Boundaries

[MintGreenLife]

Sex has been an issue for us for a long time. Our DS is 18 months and isn’t a good sleeper, which means we aren’t often intimate. To be fair to DH, we can have a few months where we don’t have sex, but go through periods where we manage once a week.

I had a traumatic forceps birth and as a result have two prolapses, and now found intercourse quite uncomfortable, I’m still BF too and find I don’t have much of a sex drive, but I still try to make the effort when I feel able to.

Something I’ve struggled with is that my DH wants a lot of attention from me and is almost quite needy since having DS. And I’m almost fearful of too much touching or kissing as he then wants more and I’m not willing or able to give it.

We spoke the other day and I asked him if we could set aside one evening a week for intimacy/sex, and then put it off the table the rest of the week, so that I feel less pressure and more able to be affectionate towards him without worrying about him wanting more. He said yes fine, however he’s clearly not understood as today during DS’s nap he’s asking me to ‘help him out’ so to speak. He works from home and so we are in the house together a lot, and for me it feels like I never get a break from it. I feel like he feels he can ask for it at the drop of a hat whenever he pleases and it’s too much.

In addition to this, he knows I’m having a bad time with DS at the moment. He’s extremely clingy to me, I regularly feel touched out and am up BF still several times in the night. I just feel like DH can’t understand me at all to think it’s ok to do things like this.

Another example is when DS was just a few months old. He was a poorly baby and we had to have a lot of tests and I was in hospital with him until he was 14 days old. At 3 months we got some test results back which showed an abnormality and more tests needed. We got the results on a Saturday and I couldn’t get much info from the doctor. On the Sunday I was still very upset and spent a lot of the day in tears. While I was crying downstairs, by DH was upstairs trying to get me to send dirty texts to him. He’s not a bad person, but I just cannot forget that incident and cannot understand how he got that so so wrong, and how he was even in the mood when we had had such horrible news.

AIBU here? Is he just a normal bloke? Is it me that’s the problem because of having a low sex drive and a toddler that doesn’t sleep well? Should I just be getting on with my ‘wifely’ duties? Or am I right to feel like he’s not respecting my boundaries and how I feel?

@Motherland2624 I’m so sorry this happened to you x

@rmummyofone thank you. I will definitely talk to him.

OP why are you only listening to certain people and not those who are telling it to you straight?

Your husband is a sex pest.

Holy shitballs! Is he aware at all that all women have needs too? Like having their feelings validated and ownership of their own bodies? Also some help with the baby and around the house. Most importantly, a little recognition that they might exist for more than the functions they offer a man!!! This man has totally objectified you!

Give him a list of chores. Every day, he is to make lunch for both of you and fetch you tea mid morning and mid afternoon (adjust as desired). He is to make his own breakfast. He is to make dinner every second day. In days he isn’t on dinner he must clean the kitchen after you make dinner. He is to do every second nappy. He is to do a load of washing every day/hang it out. He is to get up with the baby every second night. And clean the bathroom weekly and hoover. He’s working from home, so he can easily take a couple of minutes to do teas/nappies/put wash on. Add in whatever else you can think of, and then see if he has time to think about sex constantly. Every time he texts you, text back ‘not right now. Can you hoover the bedroom?’

If he accuses you of nagging, point out he’s been nagging you for sex.

Although speaking from experience, talking will not help.. at least not if he is anything like my ex who had a porn problem.

Men like this don't change and I know you don't want to hear this but seriously, imagine he was in your shoes? Would you be making him feel this way especially if he's said no various times?

No means no. Coercion is NOT consent. Married or not, baby or no baby, you don't owe him sex, it has to be mutual, consented by both of you.

My ex went onto cheating on me and blamed it on me not doing enough for him sexually. I did not have a prolapse but had stitches from a 3rd degree tear that broke down in the lockdown where I couldn't be seen or treated unfortunately they didn't heal well until our son was 1.5-2.

Thing is even when I tried my hardest to fulfil his "needs" (which are NOT NEEDS, they are wants as people have explained) he still cheated. Validates the point doesn't it?

He should be pouring love into you. He should be taking you out, rubbing your feet, doting in you as his sons mother (and oh don't get me wrong my ex did these things too) but it does not take away from the fact that he would- like yours text me "gimme your.." "I want your.." it's been a few months since our divorce and reading through others reactions jusy validated to me how disgusting it was to be wanted like that. No romance. No passion. Nothing.

No wonder I had no sex drive. It is sexual harassment and this is a behaviour that takes time to unlearn.

However if you go by what I said earlier and talk to him, his reaction will speak for itself.

Imagine what your sons going to turn out like growing up with this as a role model

the problem is that to address the issue OP has to have the courage to face up to how she was poorly treated in her childhood which lead to her accepting this kind of abuse from her husband. I doubt she will.

Husband desperately wants another baby but I don't feel ready www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4415137-husband-desperately-wants-another-baby-but-i-don-t-feel-ready

A thread I posted last year. Like you, I defended my ex. Turned out it got worse. So bad I wanted to not be alive anymore last year, I've never been more thankful I got out.

See how the conversation goes but like I said, how he responds says it all.

@Edinburghmusing hmm I’d rather my child and who he will grow up to be wasn’t brought into this 🤦🏻‍♀️ when you say I was poorly treated as a child…do you mean based on what I said about my mum doing everything, or are you making assumptions?

Err what? You have your head stuck firmly in the sand. Of course your child will be impacted if you don't teach him the right behaviour.

@Edinburghmusing yes if I don’t teach him the right behaviour, just because my husband is like this doesn’t mean he will be. I have the opportunity to ensure he understands how important it is to respect women. And of course I know mine and DH’s relationship will impact him, but I have literally just in the last few hours come to realise DH’s behaviour is unacceptable and haven’t had time to think about it all properly yet let alone even decide how to proceed and address the situation.

@chocolateasaltyballs22 that last post should have been you tagged, not @Edinburghmusing

Sounds like his ego can't cope with being second in your attentions to your dc.
Imo offer him help. Throw him a loo roll and tell him to crack on. My exh was a similar sex pest.
Exh.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re making a kit of excuses for him. Sex isn’t a “wifely duty” and women have needs too, the need to be listened to and respected.

I had a posterior and anterior prolapse after my first son. Sex was pretty much impossible so actual intercourse didn’t happen until it was repaired when my son was 4 years old. if my husband had badgered for sex honestly I would have left. I’d feel like he married me just to get his leg over regularly.

"Help him out". Yuck.

@Legallypinkish sorry to hear you had the same with prolapses! Glad your husband was understanding x

@Anotheryearsameshitshow i think you’ve hit the nail on the head there!

I honestly think you should LTB

This situation isn’t fair on either of you…

you shouldn’t be pestered for sex constantly and on the flip side he shouldn’t have to pester for it.
let him move on and find someone with a similar sex drive?

Oh OP. I really feel for you as I can tell from your responses that this thread has knocked you for six. You already knew that your DH’s behaviour was wrong or else you wouldn’t have posted but seeing everyone’s responses in black and white will hopefully help you to understand just how wrong it is. You deserve so much better from your DH and I hope you’re able to demand better.

@Mumsanetta thanks so much. Yes of course knew it wasn’t great but hadn’t thought about it in the way that everyone has spelt out for me. Will take some time to process it and have a conversation when I feel ready. Really hope he can understand and accept how he’s been treating me isn’t right and that we can figure this out.

This makes me so angry on your behalf OP. I’m in a comparable situation but don’t have a prolapse but tbh men like this do not change.
The “I have needs” business is utter bollox. What we he do if he were single? Rape someone? Of course he wouldn’t. He can figure out what to wank about without your input.
He’s bring a prick.

@Facecream why are you so sure he wouldn’t rape someone? Odd statement. Who knows. But he’s very much demonstrating all the beliefs about mens entitlement to sex that create rape culture.

op - why hope that he understands? Can you see you still give him all the power. Tell him the position and he doesn’t understand so be it. Kick him to the kerb and build your own life.

Half joking I once told dh he could just pull my nightie down when he had finished. Sadly that became normal.

That IS pressure! He IS pressuring you!