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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel Like DH Doesn’t Respect my Boundaries

158 replies

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:14

Sex has been an issue for us for a long time. Our DS is 18 months and isn’t a good sleeper, which means we aren’t often intimate. To be fair to DH, we can have a few months where we don’t have sex, but go through periods where we manage once a week.

I had a traumatic forceps birth and as a result have two prolapses, and now found intercourse quite uncomfortable, I’m still BF too and find I don’t have much of a sex drive, but I still try to make the effort when I feel able to.

Something I’ve struggled with is that my DH wants a lot of attention from me and is almost quite needy since having DS. And I’m almost fearful of too much touching or kissing as he then wants more and I’m not willing or able to give it.

We spoke the other day and I asked him if we could set aside one evening a week for intimacy/sex, and then put it off the table the rest of the week, so that I feel less pressure and more able to be affectionate towards him without worrying about him wanting more. He said yes fine, however he’s clearly not understood as today during DS’s nap he’s asking me to ‘help him out’ so to speak. He works from home and so we are in the house together a lot, and for me it feels like I never get a break from it. I feel like he feels he can ask for it at the drop of a hat whenever he pleases and it’s too much.

In addition to this, he knows I’m having a bad time with DS at the moment. He’s extremely clingy to me, I regularly feel touched out and am up BF still several times in the night. I just feel like DH can’t understand me at all to think it’s ok to do things like this.

Another example is when DS was just a few months old. He was a poorly baby and we had to have a lot of tests and I was in hospital with him until he was 14 days old. At 3 months we got some test results back which showed an abnormality and more tests needed. We got the results on a Saturday and I couldn’t get much info from the doctor. On the Sunday I was still very upset and spent a lot of the day in tears. While I was crying downstairs, by DH was upstairs trying to get me to send dirty texts to him. He’s not a bad person, but I just cannot forget that incident and cannot understand how he got that so so wrong, and how he was even in the mood when we had had such horrible news.

AIBU here? Is he just a normal bloke? Is it me that’s the problem because of having a low sex drive and a toddler that doesn’t sleep well? Should I just be getting on with my ‘wifely’ duties? Or am I right to feel like he’s not respecting my boundaries and how I feel?

OP posts:
Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:37

@MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard this makes sense thank you. I have said no today, and do almost every time, but that doesn’t seem to deter him, so maybe I need to spell it out.

OP posts:
Edinburghmusing · 02/01/2023 13:38

He’s not a kind person. Men who “lose control” are called rapists. And it’s not true - men of course always have control.

he is making a choice to put his own please above your discomfort. Repulsive behaviour. You are worth more than that OP

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/01/2023 13:38

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 02/01/2023 13:33

You need to stop with the 'all men have needs' thinking. It isn't true and it isn't helpful.

It's better to think something specific and communicate that, for example 'you are continually pressuring me for sex at the wrong times, in the wrong situations. I am not a sex hole. I will not respond well to that. What would be better is x, y and z.'

The expectation that you will 'help someone out' would clam my fanny shut forever.

This.

He is using you like an impersonal sex toy or sex worker.

I could not respect or partner with such a person.

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:39

@kateclarke i hadn’t thought of it like that before.

@Xrays very rarely. I suppose in many ways his life hasn’t changed dramatically. He still works full time and does a lot of the things he enjoys to do. Whereas as you say my life has completely changed.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 02/01/2023 13:39

Honestly this blows my mind. Let's justs for one minute imagine that he's pushed an eight pound shit out a while ago, sorry for being crude, and he's sustained an anal prolaps and a hernia. He also has an alarm clock that's broken for months on end and wakes him up all night, plus he's got a puppy that needs constant attention all day, and all the housework etc to do.

You decide that you'd like to ram your rolling pin up his arse every couple of days, because, it's one of your needs. You need to do it when he's in tears. You need to do it when he's exhausted, and nothing puts you off, because it's one of your rights as a wife, of course. You ask him for attention for your rolling pin all the time and he LETS you do it once a week to keep you quiet.

How does that sound? Because that's whats happening.

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:39

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune honestly that is how it feels sometimes. It’s awful. I’m at home and DS is sleeping after a stressful morning, and I’m being asked for sexual favours. It’s extremely upsetting and demoralising.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/01/2023 13:40

Anyone who could be asking his tearful wife for a blow job while awaiting his child's serious medical test results is not a "good man."

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:41

@GreenManalishi oh Jeeze, this made me laugh a little. No but you’re right and that’s a very good way of putting it!

OP posts:
Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:41

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune perhaps it’s a genuine problem/addiction?

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 02/01/2023 13:50

If my DH was pestering me for sex rather than seeing me as a human being, tired, with birth injuries causing problems, and caring for a small baby, I would go off him very swiftly. Nothing is less sexy than being harassed into sex.
You need to tell him that this is coercive behaviour, it is deeply unpleasant, and will eventually mean you stop wanting sex with him ever. How will he deal with the inevitable times in a marriage when you can’t have sex or really don’t want to, illness, menopause etc ?
I also feel that pressuring someone into sex you know they don’t want, is crossing a very serious line.

Marscleo · 02/01/2023 13:50

I have an 18m old who I still BF, my husband is not like this despite my lack of sex drive right now so please do not make excuses for your husband thinking it’s a normal man thing. It’s repulsive!

SirVixofVixHall · 02/01/2023 13:52

GreenManalishi · 02/01/2023 13:39

Honestly this blows my mind. Let's justs for one minute imagine that he's pushed an eight pound shit out a while ago, sorry for being crude, and he's sustained an anal prolaps and a hernia. He also has an alarm clock that's broken for months on end and wakes him up all night, plus he's got a puppy that needs constant attention all day, and all the housework etc to do.

You decide that you'd like to ram your rolling pin up his arse every couple of days, because, it's one of your needs. You need to do it when he's in tears. You need to do it when he's exhausted, and nothing puts you off, because it's one of your rights as a wife, of course. You ask him for attention for your rolling pin all the time and he LETS you do it once a week to keep you quiet.

How does that sound? Because that's whats happening.

God yes, this.
This behaviour is very ugly OP. It is not a remotely attractive trait and I would leave my DH if he did this, had it pointed out , and then carried on. At best it is a very selfish and unloving way to treat your partner.

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:53

@SirVixofVixHall that’s very true, there will always be highs and lows and this certainly isn’t the right way to deal with it.

@Marscleo thanks, I so wish I could say the same.

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 02/01/2023 13:54

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:41

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune perhaps it’s a genuine problem/addiction?

It's a genuine problem only in that he's got no respect whatsoever for you as anything other than a sexual service, provider of children and childcare and hot meals and clean sheets.

Tell him he can wank himself blind for all you care, unless he can reign it in and show you some respect your once a week bend over is over.

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:55

@SirVixofVixHall you’re right. I had managed to convince myself that it was acceptable because of his needs and the fact that I wasn’t meeting them, which I now realise isn’t right at all.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/01/2023 13:56

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:41

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune perhaps it’s a genuine problem/addiction?

With all kindness, that's bullshit. Stop being brainwashed by this bogus "male needs" trope.

You are not responsible for dealing with this. Perhaps separate counseling for each of you is in order. Have you considered the Freedom programme?

Cruisebabe1 · 02/01/2023 13:57

GreenManalishi · 02/01/2023 13:39

Honestly this blows my mind. Let's justs for one minute imagine that he's pushed an eight pound shit out a while ago, sorry for being crude, and he's sustained an anal prolaps and a hernia. He also has an alarm clock that's broken for months on end and wakes him up all night, plus he's got a puppy that needs constant attention all day, and all the housework etc to do.

You decide that you'd like to ram your rolling pin up his arse every couple of days, because, it's one of your needs. You need to do it when he's in tears. You need to do it when he's exhausted, and nothing puts you off, because it's one of your rights as a wife, of course. You ask him for attention for your rolling pin all the time and he LETS you do it once a week to keep you quiet.

How does that sound? Because that's whats happening.

This is brilliant🤣🤣🤣🤣

Sausagelove · 02/01/2023 14:01

You should rethink your once a week arrangement. You should not have sex at all with someone who is treating you like this. Tell him in no uncertain terms this disgusting disrespectful behaviour stops right now.

He sounds porn sick.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/01/2023 14:02

why on earth did you have a child with this twat? - or even marry him in the first place?
Leave - he has no respect for you, let alone boundaries.

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 14:02

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune not heard of that. Will look it up!

I’m just thinking over what happens earlier, and it really isn’t on. I had just got DS to sleep, made DH and I lunch, took that to him, then made him a cup of tea. Sat down to have mine, and I start getting these texts. My one chance to have a moment’s peace in the day gone. Instead I didn’t drink my tea, and ended up on here instead crying. This happens regularly. DS is asleep and I have a chance for a moment’s peace or to get on with stuff around the house, and DH sends me messages to see if I’m in the mood. It’s like as soon as I’m alone and he has an opportunity he can’t help himself. It doesn’t happen every day, but several times a week and it’s so draining. And I end up feeling guilty, frustrated and just so sick of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 14:04

I will say though at the end of his request he did say he understood if I didn’t want to, but I’m not sure he does understand, because why ask in the first place when he knew I was having a rough morning and had been in tears just an hour or so before 😖

OP posts:
Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 14:05

@ThinWomansBrain because he wasn’t like this before we started a family 😭

OP posts:
kateclarke · 02/01/2023 14:05

What would you say if in 20 years time your DS had a partner who confided in you that this what’s happening in her relationship? Would you say that he had needs, or would you be horrified and disgusted?

KettrickenSmiled · 02/01/2023 14:06

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:27

@poefaced sometimes, our house isn’t all that big, but it’s always me that gets up to DS.

Why is that?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/01/2023 14:08

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 14:02

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune not heard of that. Will look it up!

I’m just thinking over what happens earlier, and it really isn’t on. I had just got DS to sleep, made DH and I lunch, took that to him, then made him a cup of tea. Sat down to have mine, and I start getting these texts. My one chance to have a moment’s peace in the day gone. Instead I didn’t drink my tea, and ended up on here instead crying. This happens regularly. DS is asleep and I have a chance for a moment’s peace or to get on with stuff around the house, and DH sends me messages to see if I’m in the mood. It’s like as soon as I’m alone and he has an opportunity he can’t help himself. It doesn’t happen every day, but several times a week and it’s so draining. And I end up feeling guilty, frustrated and just so sick of it all.

Vile.

Vile, vile, vile, vile, vile.

Please do seek help. You don't deserve to live this way. It is NOT normal.