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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Feel Like DH Doesn’t Respect my Boundaries

158 replies

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:14

Sex has been an issue for us for a long time. Our DS is 18 months and isn’t a good sleeper, which means we aren’t often intimate. To be fair to DH, we can have a few months where we don’t have sex, but go through periods where we manage once a week.

I had a traumatic forceps birth and as a result have two prolapses, and now found intercourse quite uncomfortable, I’m still BF too and find I don’t have much of a sex drive, but I still try to make the effort when I feel able to.

Something I’ve struggled with is that my DH wants a lot of attention from me and is almost quite needy since having DS. And I’m almost fearful of too much touching or kissing as he then wants more and I’m not willing or able to give it.

We spoke the other day and I asked him if we could set aside one evening a week for intimacy/sex, and then put it off the table the rest of the week, so that I feel less pressure and more able to be affectionate towards him without worrying about him wanting more. He said yes fine, however he’s clearly not understood as today during DS’s nap he’s asking me to ‘help him out’ so to speak. He works from home and so we are in the house together a lot, and for me it feels like I never get a break from it. I feel like he feels he can ask for it at the drop of a hat whenever he pleases and it’s too much.

In addition to this, he knows I’m having a bad time with DS at the moment. He’s extremely clingy to me, I regularly feel touched out and am up BF still several times in the night. I just feel like DH can’t understand me at all to think it’s ok to do things like this.

Another example is when DS was just a few months old. He was a poorly baby and we had to have a lot of tests and I was in hospital with him until he was 14 days old. At 3 months we got some test results back which showed an abnormality and more tests needed. We got the results on a Saturday and I couldn’t get much info from the doctor. On the Sunday I was still very upset and spent a lot of the day in tears. While I was crying downstairs, by DH was upstairs trying to get me to send dirty texts to him. He’s not a bad person, but I just cannot forget that incident and cannot understand how he got that so so wrong, and how he was even in the mood when we had had such horrible news.

AIBU here? Is he just a normal bloke? Is it me that’s the problem because of having a low sex drive and a toddler that doesn’t sleep well? Should I just be getting on with my ‘wifely’ duties? Or am I right to feel like he’s not respecting my boundaries and how I feel?

OP posts:
Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 15:09

@Sausagelove he doesn’t know I was upset/crying

OP posts:
QuinkWashable · 02/01/2023 15:13

Even now I'm out from it, I have moments where I wonder if I caused it all, if I'd just 'laid back and thought of England' (not that that would have been enough - he was always too rough too), then we'd still be a family unit, instead of me (still) doing everything, and him having them for lunch once a fortnight (his choice).

Then I shake myself off, and tell myself I'm being ridiculous, that doing everything, whilst also having unwanted sex is infinitely worse than doing everything and not having to service such a selfish, self-absorbed man.

IWishIWasABaller · 02/01/2023 15:15

I can't believe that any decent good man would carry on like this ,he is a disgusting sex pest pig of a man. Im actually struggling to deal with some of the threads on here lately , the carry on of some of the men is absolutely appalling and disturbing.

DaisyArtichoke7 · 02/01/2023 15:17

Why is he texting you if you are both at home? Put your phone on do not disturb for nap times and then you won’t get the messages and can enjoy the break in peace. I don’t think his behaviour is at all acceptable btw.

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 15:20

@DaisyArtichoke7 yeah you’re right I should definitely do this. I don’t know why but I’ve always felt a pressure to reply to any messages asap…and so I always reply to him, as I feel guilty if I don’t 🤦🏻‍♀️ but yeah maybe I should have been ignoring these messages for a long time and at least then maybe he might have got the idea that it wasn’t worth bothering 😖

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 02/01/2023 15:24

“Unfortunately I was brought up in a house where my mum did 100% of the childcare, cooking, cleaning and worked and just got on with it.”

You've been trained to think that women exist to be servants - domestically and sexually. Please stop this mindset and ask yourself what he brings to the family team? Is he a good role model to your son? If you’re exhausted and stressed but he’s got energy enough for horny hi-jinx that suggests to me he’s not pulling his weight enough. You need to stop his bullshit, take some time for yourself and EXPECT him to take on more of the domestics and childcare. See how good a man he is then. Tell him that sex is off the menu until you’re healed and relaxed. See how good of a man and a husband he is then.

Sausagelove · 02/01/2023 15:28

Sexual harassment is not about being horny or having a high sex drive. It’s about power and control and degradation. You need to read about this because what he’s doing to you is classed as abuse.

When you stop looking at it from the perspective of a poor man who cant control his sex drive things will look very different. I would wonder also if there are other types of abuse happening because such men usually abuse in other ways too, like financial abuse.

You need to speak to women’s aid about what’s happening. I agree with a pp who said there is a risk of him assaulting you while you are asleep if he has not already. Such men often invade your privacy when changing or showering too.

Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 15:29

@Sausagelove i honestly don’t think there’s a risk of that, but thank you for your concern x

OP posts:
Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 15:30

Just want to clarify that when I do say no he has never then gone on to pressure me as such. But I don’t think that makes it ok to continue to request sex etc when I’ve made it clear I need the pressure taking off of me by only being intimate one day a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 15:31

Or to ask when I’m clearly upset or have been upset just hours before/having a hard day etc etc

OP posts:
BMW6 · 02/01/2023 15:31

I suggest you show him this thread.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/01/2023 15:40

IWishIWasABaller · 02/01/2023 15:15

I can't believe that any decent good man would carry on like this ,he is a disgusting sex pest pig of a man. Im actually struggling to deal with some of the threads on here lately , the carry on of some of the men is absolutely appalling and disturbing.

As is the fact that no matter how vile, they always find some woman willing to cater to them & bear their offspring.

NewyearNewStartnomorejunk · 02/01/2023 15:47

GreenManalishi · 02/01/2023 13:39

Honestly this blows my mind. Let's justs for one minute imagine that he's pushed an eight pound shit out a while ago, sorry for being crude, and he's sustained an anal prolaps and a hernia. He also has an alarm clock that's broken for months on end and wakes him up all night, plus he's got a puppy that needs constant attention all day, and all the housework etc to do.

You decide that you'd like to ram your rolling pin up his arse every couple of days, because, it's one of your needs. You need to do it when he's in tears. You need to do it when he's exhausted, and nothing puts you off, because it's one of your rights as a wife, of course. You ask him for attention for your rolling pin all the time and he LETS you do it once a week to keep you quiet.

How does that sound? Because that's whats happening.

This is brilliant.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/01/2023 15:49

OP I'm sure you must sometimes think back to the woman you used to be before all of this and wonder where she went. You're in survival mode. You are living life in a constant state of pressure and stress.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/01/2023 15:51

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 15:30

Just want to clarify that when I do say no he has never then gone on to pressure me as such. But I don’t think that makes it ok to continue to request sex etc when I’ve made it clear I need the pressure taking off of me by only being intimate one day a week.

That is pressuring you.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/01/2023 15:51

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 15:31

Or to ask when I’m clearly upset or have been upset just hours before/having a hard day etc etc

And this is also pressuring you.

rmummyofone · 02/01/2023 15:52

Your husband sounds a lot like my ex - we are recently divorced and this behaviour killed off our marriage.

My marriage was full of emotional abuse and a lot of sexual coercion. I now regret days I missed out on my baby as a newborn / infant because I was stressing over my ex wanting 'more' like you said, I was afraid of that and would almost avoid other affection. I didn't realise I was doing this.

I tried to speak to him, eventually he'd use religion to get me to do it more. I wish I advocated more for myself but looking back I couldn't have. It never ended well. Looking back too, he had a problem with porn, masturbation and a huge lack of self control.

Huge huge huge turn off.

so I'll give you some advice that may save your marriage, talk to him. If this is someone who loves you, he'll really try understand. Tell him how you feel and why, maybe explain you need more time to heal and when you're healed physically you'll be a lot more happier mentally too.

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 02/01/2023 15:52

He's an actual sex pest. Selfish pig.

Edinburghmusing · 02/01/2023 15:52

OP concentrating the pressure to one day a week is still abhorrent. You have ZERO obligation to have sex once a week. ZERO.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/01/2023 15:55

And to loll about upstairs, TEXTING you to attend to his penis is ... so disrespectful, toxic & uncaring I don't know how you are not blisteringly angry with him.

It seems you squash your feelings down because it's easier than facing up to what is really happening - which is, as a PP said, you being forced to live with a sex pest in your own home. In your safe space.

You cannot even trust his word when he makes an agreement with you.
He won't even get up to look after his own baby at night.
He doesn't even make you a cup of tea.

He thinks you are just a domestic appliance, & is totally indifferent to your feelings & wishes.

Motherland2624 · 02/01/2023 15:55

My ex was like this I ended up having to do stuff sexually I didn’t want to (and he knew it) just to keep him happy and him not ignoring me for weeks on end
it ended up with him getting me soo drunk and raping me anally I know that’s extreme but I wished I’d addressed it years earlier

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2023 15:59

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:14

Sex has been an issue for us for a long time. Our DS is 18 months and isn’t a good sleeper, which means we aren’t often intimate. To be fair to DH, we can have a few months where we don’t have sex, but go through periods where we manage once a week.

I had a traumatic forceps birth and as a result have two prolapses, and now found intercourse quite uncomfortable, I’m still BF too and find I don’t have much of a sex drive, but I still try to make the effort when I feel able to.

Something I’ve struggled with is that my DH wants a lot of attention from me and is almost quite needy since having DS. And I’m almost fearful of too much touching or kissing as he then wants more and I’m not willing or able to give it.

We spoke the other day and I asked him if we could set aside one evening a week for intimacy/sex, and then put it off the table the rest of the week, so that I feel less pressure and more able to be affectionate towards him without worrying about him wanting more. He said yes fine, however he’s clearly not understood as today during DS’s nap he’s asking me to ‘help him out’ so to speak. He works from home and so we are in the house together a lot, and for me it feels like I never get a break from it. I feel like he feels he can ask for it at the drop of a hat whenever he pleases and it’s too much.

In addition to this, he knows I’m having a bad time with DS at the moment. He’s extremely clingy to me, I regularly feel touched out and am up BF still several times in the night. I just feel like DH can’t understand me at all to think it’s ok to do things like this.

Another example is when DS was just a few months old. He was a poorly baby and we had to have a lot of tests and I was in hospital with him until he was 14 days old. At 3 months we got some test results back which showed an abnormality and more tests needed. We got the results on a Saturday and I couldn’t get much info from the doctor. On the Sunday I was still very upset and spent a lot of the day in tears. While I was crying downstairs, by DH was upstairs trying to get me to send dirty texts to him. He’s not a bad person, but I just cannot forget that incident and cannot understand how he got that so so wrong, and how he was even in the mood when we had had such horrible news.

AIBU here? Is he just a normal bloke? Is it me that’s the problem because of having a low sex drive and a toddler that doesn’t sleep well? Should I just be getting on with my ‘wifely’ duties? Or am I right to feel like he’s not respecting my boundaries and how I feel?

Not a bad person?

He's a revolting sex pest who doesn't care about you or for that matter his child.

Envy
Nanny0gg · 02/01/2023 16:01

BMW6 · 02/01/2023 15:31

I suggest you show him this thread.

NO!!

She'll get all sorts of grief.

That kind of man wouldn't respond well.

Nor will he respond to talking.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2023 16:02

MintGreenLife · 02/01/2023 13:28

@roarfeckingroarr i of course get that men have needs and I suppose for them it’s the same as needing sleep maybe, but there has to be some boundaries and I don’t know how to make him see that.

Oh he's done a number on you!

He can bloody well control his 'needs' if he wants to

AChristmasCaro · 02/01/2023 16:13

Your husband is a disgusting pig and I hope you kick him out.