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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lost a bit of sympathy for her

112 replies

Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:01

A friend through work, she split up with a partner of 5 years in August. I offered her a lot of sympathy, apparently they'd just drifted apart and had become more like friends, and was apparently a mutual decision.
Now I've found out that she met someone else whilst she was still with the ex, broke up with her ex 2 weeks after meeting this other guy. The other guy is someone she's met a few times over the years, but they met again in July at a mutual friend's party and 'got talking'.
In late November the new guy was introduced to her family and other friends so they'd obviously been in an established relationship for a certain amount of time, even though she only left her ex in August.
I'm not saying she cheated but I have lost a bit of sympathy for her. There was even a photo of her posing with the new guy at this party, whilst she was still with her ex. I just think it's a bit shitty for him, even if technically she hasn't been unfaithful as I said.
It's just a bit frustrating when people play the victim and try to garner sympathy when she already had someone new lined up. Apparently her ex was terribly hurt by the break up and he's even removed all of her friends from social media, me being one of them.
I think people usually don't leave unless there's someone else waiting in the wings. It's likely none of my business but hey ho.

OP posts:
megacat · 02/01/2023 11:03

Did she actually ask for sympathy?

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:04

I mean I just don't like how it was all kept quiet and how it was made out to be mutual. She got bored and found someone else, people do it, but she tried to make out like that wasn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:05

I think I just feel bad for the ex, I've been in that situation where they've already got someone else waiting.

OP posts:
GracePooleslaugh · 02/01/2023 11:08

Maybe meeting someone she felt a strong attraction to made her see the problems in her existing relationship?

AngelontopoftheTree · 02/01/2023 11:08

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Perhaps it's true that it was mutual, and they were more like friends than partners. So what if she met someone else and wants to give it a chance? It's mine of your business.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/01/2023 11:09

Maybe she does not want or need your fake sympathy. What goes on in other peoples relationships is between them and them only.

Fleabigg · 02/01/2023 11:09

It was and is none of your business. She’s under no obligation to tell you more than she wanted to, and there’s a massive amount of supposition in your OP anyway. Perhaps you’d best lay out the terms under which you’re prepared to offer sympathy to anyone more clearly next time.

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:11

My sympathy wasn't fake at the time before i knew it all. I just don't like dishonesty like that. I'd have more respect otherwise

OP posts:
AllyCatTown · 02/01/2023 11:11

You really don’t know the full story. It sounds like a normal breakup that you should just stay out of. Some people move on quicker than others. Some meet someone new and leave their partner for them. If she didn’t cheat then it’s sad for the old partner but it’s just life.

Also you’d have more of a point if she was making herself out to be a victim but you said she’d just said it was mutual so that normally means the person isn’t asking for sympathy.

TheOGCCL · 02/01/2023 11:12

It’s still a change to process, even if it was kind of already over (which makes it easier to move on as you’ve already done the grieving bit).

Iam4eels · 02/01/2023 11:13

She met someone else who she was attracted to and it was probably the catalyst for her realising that her existing relationship wasn't working. At least she did the decent thing and ended the existing relationship before continuing with the new one.

Just because she introduced him to her family in November doesn't mean they were seeing each other earlier than August either.

AllyCatTown · 02/01/2023 11:14

How has she been dishonest? She’s not under obligation to be open when asked about private matters. It’s normal to say things like ‘it was mutual’ to shut down a conversation. She doesn’t have to go into details.

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:16

Yeah fair enough maybe i was too judgemental. It just sucks from experience when your partner meets someone else even if it's 'life'

OP posts:
Hoardasurass · 02/01/2023 11:17

Did you ever consider that she has done the moral thing here? She met someone who she felt an attraction to and probably realised what was missing from her relationship with her now former partner and rather than start an affair she spoke with her ex and ended things before starting a new relationship. This is how people should behave, the fact that you found it hurtful when an ex had the decency to do the same to you is clouding your judgement on this, would it have been better if she or your ex had an affair or are people not allowed to fall out of love, end a relationship and move on?

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:19

My ex cheated on me too.
I've met one or two other men I find attractive too but I just ignore it and focus on my partner, as has he probably.
Anyway I won't think about it any more.

OP posts:
WeepingSomnambulist · 02/01/2023 11:20

But did she want sympathy? Did she air around saying how sad she was or crying or looking for you to hold her hand?
Because it sounds like she just told you that the relationship was over and then she got on with things but you dragged on with giving her sympathy.

She is allowed to end a relationship for any reason, including meeting someone else and realising she wasnt with the right person. That's what you're meant to do when you realise the person isnt right for you.

She literally hasnt done anything wrong. She didn't ask for sympathy, she just didnt tell you every detail of her personal life. And she didnt have to. She is allowed to move on and be happy. You need to grow up.

Snoken · 02/01/2023 11:20

Hoardasurass · 02/01/2023 11:17

Did you ever consider that she has done the moral thing here? She met someone who she felt an attraction to and probably realised what was missing from her relationship with her now former partner and rather than start an affair she spoke with her ex and ended things before starting a new relationship. This is how people should behave, the fact that you found it hurtful when an ex had the decency to do the same to you is clouding your judgement on this, would it have been better if she or your ex had an affair or are people not allowed to fall out of love, end a relationship and move on?

Exactly! She has actually handled it very well. You are just projecting your own previous hurt on a situation that does not involve you. Also, by saying it was mutual etc. she doesn't demand sympathy from you, quite the opposite.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 02/01/2023 11:21

How are the details any of your business? She doesn't owe you anything, she can tell people what she likes.

I think your taking this far too personally

Mummieslncorporated · 02/01/2023 11:21

In what way was she 'playing the victim'?

Your post is really muddled. Why would she be looking for sympathy if they drifted apart?

And plenty of people leave relationships without someone else being involved. I did.

I'm really not sure what you are asking here.

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:22

Yeah, she phoned me up crying saying how sad she was.

OP posts:
ShimmeringShirts · 02/01/2023 11:23

This reply has been deleted

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bloodywhitecat · 02/01/2023 11:23

...I've met one or two other men I find attractive too but I just ignore it and focus on my partner, as has he probably...

But if your existing relationship was dead in the water would that scenario be the catalyst to ending the current relationship? It would for me.

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:24

I'm not a cow but that's lovely of you, says more about you to throw out vile insults. Thanks to everyone else.

OP posts:
ShimmeringShirts · 02/01/2023 11:24

And of course she would be upset and crying at the end of a relationship even if they had drifted apart. It hurts to have a part of your life end when you were close to another person, even if you no longer feel that way. You don’t seem to have any grasp on human emotions.

BeautifulWar · 02/01/2023 11:25

Maybe meeting someone she felt a strong attraction to made her see the problems in her existing relationship?

Exactly. Doesn't mean they weren't unhappy or unfulfilled in the original relationship, but feeling something for someone else might have given her the kick they both needed to start that conversation about splitting. It's easier just drift along.

Judging by OP's reaction, it's pretty obvious why this bit got left out.