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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lost a bit of sympathy for her

112 replies

Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:01

A friend through work, she split up with a partner of 5 years in August. I offered her a lot of sympathy, apparently they'd just drifted apart and had become more like friends, and was apparently a mutual decision.
Now I've found out that she met someone else whilst she was still with the ex, broke up with her ex 2 weeks after meeting this other guy. The other guy is someone she's met a few times over the years, but they met again in July at a mutual friend's party and 'got talking'.
In late November the new guy was introduced to her family and other friends so they'd obviously been in an established relationship for a certain amount of time, even though she only left her ex in August.
I'm not saying she cheated but I have lost a bit of sympathy for her. There was even a photo of her posing with the new guy at this party, whilst she was still with her ex. I just think it's a bit shitty for him, even if technically she hasn't been unfaithful as I said.
It's just a bit frustrating when people play the victim and try to garner sympathy when she already had someone new lined up. Apparently her ex was terribly hurt by the break up and he's even removed all of her friends from social media, me being one of them.
I think people usually don't leave unless there's someone else waiting in the wings. It's likely none of my business but hey ho.

OP posts:
Rollingaroundinmud · 02/01/2023 12:24

She ended the relationship and started a new one. She probably was sad to end a 5 year relationship but she didn’t cheat on him she did what was best for her. She has done nothing wrong.

HaddawayAndShite · 02/01/2023 12:32

Ahh you’re bitter. Look, at the end of the day you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. It could have been simultaneously mutual and she met someone soon / while together. She could be the biggest cunt on 2 legs, and was shagging all and sundry throughout the relationship. Call it morals or whatever you like but if you’re going to throw away a good friendship (and I’m not saying it is a good friendship but you’ve not stayed otherwise) then it just seems petty. My friends have done things I don’t agree with but they’ve stuck by me when I was the dickhead too. If you want to remain friends then lose the contempt you have for her.

DuplicateUserName · 02/01/2023 12:35

It was a shitty thing to do but I voted YABU because of this....

I think people usually don't leave unless there's someone else waiting in the wings.

That's ridiculous. I mean yes, there will be some people who don't value their own company and always want to be part of a couple, but I really don't think that's the majority.

Well not if they're over the age of about 16.

SlashBeef · 02/01/2023 12:36

I'm so glad you're not a friend of mine.

Zanatdy · 02/01/2023 12:40

This is like what happened with my brother and ex SIL. She told him she didn’t love him anymore and they separated. But she met my brother weekly to pretend to want to fix things. But turns out she had met an old boyfriend a few months prior to the split. She’s now married to him, and my brother has remarried and has a late life baby (his girls from first marriage are in their 20’s). Everyone is much happier but I’m still angry she strung like along when she was seeing the other guy all along.

GetThatHelmetOn · 02/01/2023 12:41

Ok… she left her long term relationship rather than cheating or continue cheating. You don’t need to be sympathetic to her plight but she appears to be doing the right thing out of several bad options, because the other two options are cheating or staying in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil her,

Happyher · 02/01/2023 12:43

Breaking up may still have been upsetting for her. It isn’t easy whatever the circumstances. Just be glad she now seems happy and leave her to it

springerspanielpuppy · 02/01/2023 12:45

I understand where you’re coming from she rang you up crying but minimised her part in the break up and her ex partners distress, maybe not to garner more sympathy but probably not to be judged. You feel duped.

If a woman came on here and said her DP had left her after being photographed with their new partner and talking with her for a few weeks posters would be slamming him for having an emotional affair and gaslighting her rather than suggesting her DP had done nothing wrong just met someone else and realised their relationship was rubbish.

Thighlengthboots · 02/01/2023 12:46

Hoardasurass · 02/01/2023 11:17

Did you ever consider that she has done the moral thing here? She met someone who she felt an attraction to and probably realised what was missing from her relationship with her now former partner and rather than start an affair she spoke with her ex and ended things before starting a new relationship. This is how people should behave, the fact that you found it hurtful when an ex had the decency to do the same to you is clouding your judgement on this, would it have been better if she or your ex had an affair or are people not allowed to fall out of love, end a relationship and move on?

I agree with this. Your "sympathy" sounds extremely conditional to me- only proffered if certain conditions are met that meet your approval. Thats not really true sympathy is it?- thats rather controlling actually and you might want to examine that further and why you reacted as you did.

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 12:48

Well I don't see why someone fancying someone else and choosing to get with them instead deserves any sympathy? I have sympathy for her ex. Maybe there are things I don't know about and if they came out then I would understand better.

OP posts:
Thighlengthboots · 02/01/2023 12:52

Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 12:48

Well I don't see why someone fancying someone else and choosing to get with them instead deserves any sympathy? I have sympathy for her ex. Maybe there are things I don't know about and if they came out then I would understand better.

You have no idea what went on in their relationship- she may have been deeply unhappy for ages and the meeting of a new person made her realise that so she ended it- that can still be upsetting even if you are the one ending it. But you seem determined to paint her as some kind of horrid person so tell her you retract your "sympathy" and tell her what you really think of her then. Better?

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 02/01/2023 12:53

Maybe there are things I don't know about and if they came out then I would understand better

Just keep your nose out! Why do you need to know every tiny detail?

You sound like a terrible gossip.

Rollingaroundinmud · 02/01/2023 12:53

Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 12:48

Well I don't see why someone fancying someone else and choosing to get with them instead deserves any sympathy? I have sympathy for her ex. Maybe there are things I don't know about and if they came out then I would understand better.

Who is your loyalty with your friend or her ex who you don’t really know and he doesn’t wish to continue the friendship with you.

Original poster
Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 12:53

Why does it need to take fancying someone else to end it? Nobody forced her to stay. I just think people wait until there's someone else so they don't have to be alone.

OP posts:
Thighlengthboots · 02/01/2023 12:56

Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 12:53

Why does it need to take fancying someone else to end it? Nobody forced her to stay. I just think people wait until there's someone else so they don't have to be alone.

Presumably she didnt cheat on him so why is this any of your business? You seem overtly angry about this and its very very obvious this issue is to do with you, not her. Are you saying that if she had ended it and then waited say, 6 weeks before dating again her ex wouldnt have been upset AT ALL? Because I dont think that is true- he would have been upset whenever she ended it regardless. This is a you issue, not hers.

Rollingaroundinmud · 02/01/2023 12:56

That’s her business not yours. Are you in a relationship?

itwasntmetho · 02/01/2023 12:59

Sorry but I think you need more going on in your own life, someone broke up with me after 9 years and was with someone else within six months, I didn't move on so quickly but there will always be one person in a pair of exes that moves on first, they don't need social punishment for that. As for making him the ultimate victim because he removed her friends and work colleagues from social media, that's just normal behaviour it makes it easier to not look sideways at what your ex is doing that way, it doesn't mean he's crying harder.

Calphurnia88 · 02/01/2023 13:03

Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 12:48

Well I don't see why someone fancying someone else and choosing to get with them instead deserves any sympathy? I have sympathy for her ex. Maybe there are things I don't know about and if they came out then I would understand better.

Because, as many people have alluded to, perhaps meeting someone else was a catalyst to end a relationship that had sadly grown its course. She may have still loved her ex, and grieved for the end of the relationship, but that doesn't mean she isn't allowed to move on from it.

Human emotions are complicated and provided there was no deception involved I think you're setting unrealistically high standards for someone you say is a friend.

clpsmum · 02/01/2023 13:04

Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:04

I mean I just don't like how it was all kept quiet and how it was made out to be mutual. She got bored and found someone else, people do it, but she tried to make out like that wasn't it.

Why do you think she needed to justify her reasons for leaving a relationship to anybody? Did she ask for your sympathy?

WB205020 · 02/01/2023 13:07

And yet if the roles were reversed the man would be called a shit a c*nt and a cheating basted......oh the double standards of MN!

MoscowMules · 02/01/2023 13:09

I've done something similar many moons ago, was in a relationship where to be honest all the spark all the attraction had fizzled out.

I met a man through mutual friends, and there was an instant spark and attraction between the pair of us at an event.

It made me realise that my relationship that I had been in was dead in the water, and I was simply clinging on, so after about 10days I spoke to my ex and explained how I felt, that the relationship wasn't salvageable, that I did care for him but there was no love. He also agreed he'd felt the same way. He was upset as was I, it was still something "coming to an end".

I then got back in touch with the mutual friends man. We began a relationship.

I never cheated on anyone, I wasn't dishonest.

Rollingaroundinmud · 02/01/2023 13:10

WB205020 · 02/01/2023 13:07

And yet if the roles were reversed the man would be called a shit a c*nt and a cheating basted......oh the double standards of MN!

If he done it no it wouldn’t be cheating one poster already pointed that out her ex moved on quickly. Looking for drama where there is none.

OooScotland · 02/01/2023 13:11

You’re right. Its no e of your business. Stop giving it headspace.

MavisMcMinty · 02/01/2023 13:12

YABU OP, it really has nothing to do with you, and you’re coming across as very judgy.

Also, if you post on AIBU you have to accept that people will often say “Yes, YABU”, so if you don’t like it, you could always post on a different, quieter corner of Mumsnet.

RhymeHasAReason · 02/01/2023 13:13

She led you to believe something that wasn’t true. I’d feel annoyed too.