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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lost a bit of sympathy for her

112 replies

Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:01

A friend through work, she split up with a partner of 5 years in August. I offered her a lot of sympathy, apparently they'd just drifted apart and had become more like friends, and was apparently a mutual decision.
Now I've found out that she met someone else whilst she was still with the ex, broke up with her ex 2 weeks after meeting this other guy. The other guy is someone she's met a few times over the years, but they met again in July at a mutual friend's party and 'got talking'.
In late November the new guy was introduced to her family and other friends so they'd obviously been in an established relationship for a certain amount of time, even though she only left her ex in August.
I'm not saying she cheated but I have lost a bit of sympathy for her. There was even a photo of her posing with the new guy at this party, whilst she was still with her ex. I just think it's a bit shitty for him, even if technically she hasn't been unfaithful as I said.
It's just a bit frustrating when people play the victim and try to garner sympathy when she already had someone new lined up. Apparently her ex was terribly hurt by the break up and he's even removed all of her friends from social media, me being one of them.
I think people usually don't leave unless there's someone else waiting in the wings. It's likely none of my business but hey ho.

OP posts:
GinoVino · 02/01/2023 13:13

Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:27

You're proving yourself to be a bully and internet troll, but feel free to carry on. I didn't come here to be insulted so I will ask for the thread to be removed

What did you come here for then? To slag this girl off on the internet? To get others to slag her off?

Thighlengthboots · 02/01/2023 13:18

WB205020 · 02/01/2023 13:07

And yet if the roles were reversed the man would be called a shit a c*nt and a cheating basted......oh the double standards of MN!

Ok- so who gets to decide what is an "acceptable amount of time"- us? the ex? God? suppose I say waiting 3 months is acceptable, I can guarantee that someone else would say thats way too soon and would be devastated if their ex dated three months afterwards. What if the ex meets someone they really like at the one month mark?- should they reject them because not enough time has passed? Ultimately, you owe the person you are dating honesty and straightforwardness about where you stand in the relationship (which it sounds like she was). Anything after that is really none of anyone else's business (including the ex). One ex of mine got married a year to the day after we broke up and whilst it did feel painful at the time, that was an emotional response that only I am responsible for, he was free to do what he wanted and looking back on it from a logical perspective, I am so so so glad he left because he was not the one for me and now I am with my DH who is a FAR better fit for me. Hence, now, I am GLAD he broke it off because we werent really compatible at all. I dread to think how unhappy I would have been had we stayed together.

Rollingaroundinmud · 02/01/2023 13:19

RhymeHasAReason · 02/01/2023 13:13

She led you to believe something that wasn’t true. I’d feel annoyed too.

Where did you read that. I read she moved on quickly with a friend she met then she broke up with her ex.

To start a new relationship after being in one for 5 years is a challenge for anybody. She did what was right for her. None of your or the op business of who she gets to spend her life with.

ittakes2 · 02/01/2023 13:28

Honestly, wasn't the right thing to do to break up with him after she met someone else she wanted to be with? If she had stayed with him but wanted to be with someone else would that have been more unfair on him? I don't think August to November is a short time to meet the family!

niugboo · 02/01/2023 13:39

YABU.

Just because you’ve met someone else doesn’t stop you being sad about the previous relationship ending.

Nothing has changed. She was sad because her relationship. It still has.

OldFan · 02/01/2023 13:40

I don't think you're wrong @Aceofbase00 . It's ok to thing someone's behaviour isn't good.

It's one thing to fancy someone else, but if there was any cheating, verbal (like saying they fancied each other while she was still in a relationship) or physical, then that's not ok.

If your own moral compass rightly thinks that is wrong, there's nothing inappropriate about you distancing yourself from your cheating acquaintance.

I suppose you can't know for sure that anything of any kind that was cut and dried inappropriate happened, though. But it does seem likely.

RhymeHasAReason · 02/01/2023 13:40

Rollingaroundinmud · 02/01/2023 13:19

Where did you read that. I read she moved on quickly with a friend she met then she broke up with her ex.

To start a new relationship after being in one for 5 years is a challenge for anybody. She did what was right for her. None of your or the op business of who she gets to spend her life with.

Show quote history

She told OP they had drifted apart and it was a mutual decision. It wasn’t. She met someone else and decided to end the relationship which is fine but she didn’t mention that. Why was that do you think? I wouldn’t care as long as there was no cheating, relationships end all the time but I would react differently to the two scenarios. To lie to OP and withhold important details, like the catalyst for leaving, I can understand OP feeling a bit annoyed that she’s been lied to.

Grrrrdarling · 02/01/2023 13:45

Aceofbase00 · 02/01/2023 11:01

A friend through work, she split up with a partner of 5 years in August. I offered her a lot of sympathy, apparently they'd just drifted apart and had become more like friends, and was apparently a mutual decision.
Now I've found out that she met someone else whilst she was still with the ex, broke up with her ex 2 weeks after meeting this other guy. The other guy is someone she's met a few times over the years, but they met again in July at a mutual friend's party and 'got talking'.
In late November the new guy was introduced to her family and other friends so they'd obviously been in an established relationship for a certain amount of time, even though she only left her ex in August.
I'm not saying she cheated but I have lost a bit of sympathy for her. There was even a photo of her posing with the new guy at this party, whilst she was still with her ex. I just think it's a bit shitty for him, even if technically she hasn't been unfaithful as I said.
It's just a bit frustrating when people play the victim and try to garner sympathy when she already had someone new lined up. Apparently her ex was terribly hurt by the break up and he's even removed all of her friends from social media, me being one of them.
I think people usually don't leave unless there's someone else waiting in the wings. It's likely none of my business but hey ho.

Some relationships are mutually over before the world knows they are over.
Whether she has moved fast with the new relationship, in your eyes, or not she has moved on as she felt was right to.

There is always someone that gets hurt when a relationship ends but having your ‘friends’ judging you is not right or nice.

She hasn’t planned the break up they have just grown apart & this happens a lot more now as people choose to leave instead of staying miserable.

Some regret their decision once the dust settles but they have made their bed & it is now theirs to lay in & ponder their decision.

Personally no I wouldn’t lose respect for her for what won’t have been an easy decision but I would lose respect for you for judging her.
She could have shacked up with the other person & stayed with her ex but she choose to do the right thing for herself & the relationship & leave.

Nothing to judge & in-fact I am proud of her for having the gumption to leave instead of living a lie & cheating.

Bikeybikeface · 02/01/2023 13:46

You have no idea about her relationship with her ex, maybe she tried and tried to make it work. Maybe he did fuck all to make it work. Maybe their relationship was over years ago but she couldn’t face ending it.
Were children involved?

DMLady · 02/01/2023 13:48

I think you’re getting a lot of stick on here, OP, and yet at the same time, I think if your friend had posted something to the effect of ‘I’m in a relationship but have met someone else’, they’d be getting grief for even considering embarking on a new relationship without ending the first one first. To be honest, I wouldn’t like feeling duped either. (That doesn’t mean you have been — and as others have pointed out, we never really knows what goes on in other relationships — but for what it’s worth, I’m with you on this one.)

Quveas · 02/01/2023 13:50

I think this says more about you than about her. You are filling in "facts" based on speculation and what appears to be your own "moral code", and then judging her. She'd probably be better off without a friend like you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2023 13:52

It's not really any of your business. Why are you so invested in this?

Thedaysthatremain · 02/01/2023 13:53

WB205020 · 02/01/2023 13:07

And yet if the roles were reversed the man would be called a shit a c*nt and a cheating basted......oh the double standards of MN!

There was no cheating though.

Rollingaroundinmud · 02/01/2023 13:56

RhymeHasAReason · 02/01/2023 13:40

She told OP they had drifted apart and it was a mutual decision. It wasn’t. She met someone else and decided to end the relationship which is fine but she didn’t mention that. Why was that do you think? I wouldn’t care as long as there was no cheating, relationships end all the time but I would react differently to the two scenarios. To lie to OP and withhold important details, like the catalyst for leaving, I can understand OP feeling a bit annoyed that she’s been lied to.

Show quote history

She should be punished for moving on from a dead end relationship because she didn’t give all the goss. How old are you she doesn’t own her she can do what she wants. The op isn’t her overseer.

Rainbowsparkles29 · 02/01/2023 13:59

It isn't really your job to police her relationship which you know nothing about it's your job to provide her with a friendly ear and a friendly hug, give her an honest opinion if she wants one and advocate for any kids involved if she's incapable of doing so. You can tell her you're disappointed she didn't feel able to tell you the full story but you shouldn't need to 'take sides'. It's really none of your business

OldFan · 02/01/2023 14:04

You are filling in "facts" based on speculation and what appears to be your own "moral code", and then judging her.

@Quveas It's ok to have an objective moral code, in fact it's a good thing. Being angry at something that's wrong is righteous anger, which is fine. Cheating is wrong.

Choconut · 02/01/2023 14:05

YANBU, she cried on the phone to you wanting sympathy over how upset she was about her break up when really she had moved on and just wanted to look 'good' and like it wasn't all down to her.

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time, who wants a friend that tries to garner sympathy for a relationship they didn't even want.

OldFan · 02/01/2023 14:06

There was no cheating though.

@Thedaysthatremain C'mon, it seems likely there was, if she was going round with the new bloke all the time for months and then introducing him to her family, too, before she'd officially split with her ex.

RhymeHasAReason · 02/01/2023 14:06

Rollingaroundinmud · 02/01/2023 13:56

She should be punished for moving on from a dead end relationship because she didn’t give all the goss. How old are you she doesn’t own her she can do what she wants. The op isn’t her overseer.

Show quote history

Punished? Where have I said that. Are you ok?

I’ve only said I’d react differently to the two scenarios. For someone that ends a relationship with a new partner to go to, they’ll likely to be more positive and excited about their new relationship. That’s all. No ‘punishment‘. She hasn’t cheated so no ‘crime’. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s odd that she concealed that part though and I would feel a bit miffed.

GinoVino · 02/01/2023 14:10

Choconut · 02/01/2023 14:05

YANBU, she cried on the phone to you wanting sympathy over how upset she was about her break up when really she had moved on and just wanted to look 'good' and like it wasn't all down to her.

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time, who wants a friend that tries to garner sympathy for a relationship they didn't even want.

Who wants a friend tat posts on MN slagging you off and encouraging others to do the same.

Rollingaroundinmud · 02/01/2023 14:30

RhymeHasAReason · 02/01/2023 14:06

Punished? Where have I said that. Are you ok?

I’ve only said I’d react differently to the two scenarios. For someone that ends a relationship with a new partner to go to, they’ll likely to be more positive and excited about their new relationship. That’s all. No ‘punishment‘. She hasn’t cheated so no ‘crime’. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s odd that she concealed that part though and I would feel a bit miffed.

Show quote history

I stand by what I said you and the op don’t own anybody and no one owes you an explanation.

Kennykenkencat · 02/01/2023 14:32

You can cry about a relationship ending even if it is for the right reasons and you have happier times to look forward to.
It is about a stage in your life ending and you can be emotional and cry about the end even if you have a new beginning

Your colleague’s Dh could be the nicest guy in the world but quite happy to be at home and not wanting to go or do anything out of a set routine.

I suspect that both your colleague and her Dh had fallen into a rut and when your colleague met this guy things started to awaken her to how bored/miserable she was in her own life.
This had nothing to do with whether she did or didn’t cheat and more to do with knowing that she had to throw a grenade into her own marriage and get out of it otherwise the prospect of being in the same place, feeling the same way 20 years from now probably filled her with fear of what her life was looking like.

In a way it has done her Dh a favour as now he is free to find someone who wants the same things as he does.

Just because someone is married they shouldn’t stay married or stay in a relationship if it is making them unhappy.

I presume you don’t reciprocate the interest other men show in you because you love your partner and are happy in your relationship.
If you aren’t then maybe you should do what your colleague has done and leave and start afresh with someone else

FromTheFront2theBack · 02/01/2023 14:35

I think her relationship is her own business even if she did cheat. That said I'd be pissed off of she'd been coming to me asking for attention and sympathy while portraying herself as an innocent victim..

RhymeHasAReason · 02/01/2023 14:40

Rollingaroundinmud · 02/01/2023 14:30

I stand by what I said you and the op don’t own anybody and no one owes you an explanation.

Show quote history

Never said anyone did. You seem to either struggle with comprehension or like making things up for drama.

DrunkOnHim · 02/01/2023 14:43

Rollingaroundinmud · 02/01/2023 13:56

She should be punished for moving on from a dead end relationship because she didn’t give all the goss. How old are you she doesn’t own her she can do what she wants. The op isn’t her overseer.

Show quote history

😂😂😂

Why are you making things up? 🤪