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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner’s alarm clock - AIBU?

109 replies

Toto531 · 02/01/2023 07:10

Just wanted to get your thoughts on something that’s been driving me insane for nearly 3 years now…
My partner gets up early for work, could be anytime between 4am and 6am…my problem is his alarm clock… He sets it on the highest possible volume to go off every 5 minutes and this can sometimes go on for an hour each morning, sometimes longer. Every time it goes off, it doesn’t wake him so I have to shake him to switch it off (the alarm is on his phone fyi). During this hour to hour and a half, I cannot fall back to sleep. I am a very light sleeper and it takes me a while to fall asleep as it is. To make things worse, we have a newborn in with us and so I am getting even less sleep as the moment. I’ve brought up the subject of changing his alarm many times. I’ve just asked if it could not be as loud and and also go off less times. He refuses point blank to change this. I do feel upset as I feel that he is being slightly selfish and he could compromise…lord knows the sacrifices I have made for him. He says he has to have it this loud and that many times as he doesn’t wake up. He doesn’t wake up whatever the situation, I have to wake him every time and ask him to switch it off. It sounds silly but it’s got to the point where it’s driving me crazy and I get so angry about his lack of empathy towards me. And then I can’t go back to sleep as I’m so wound up by it all. He’s told me that I’m just looking for an argument. All I want is a bit of uninterrupted sleep and for him to compromise. I appreciate he has an early start but at the moment I’m up at all hours with the baby and could just do with a bit of understanding and sympathy to keep me sane.
maybe I’m being unreasonable? Thoughts would be appreciated or any advice on how to deal with the situation?

OP posts:
Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 02/01/2023 08:10

Sorry but you sound like a complete doormat. I'd be turning the alarm off after the first ring, if he's late then that's on him.

olympicsrock · 02/01/2023 08:17

This is ridiculous. Why o why is he snoozing for an hour. He should just get up an hour later, you would all be better rested.

Alternative to separate rooms is separate quilts.
When the alarm goes off the first time , you shake him, say good morning then remove his bed cover . He gets up straight away.
What a man child ! Honestly I would have bludgeoned him to death with the phone before now.
show him this thread!

midnightfirework · 02/01/2023 08:28

Can he go and share with the cows? 😂

SassyPants87 · 02/01/2023 08:32

Definitely separate rooms! Me and DH sleep in separate rooms and it’s the best thing we did! Even though the idea of it might seem weird everyone gets better sleep all round.

Marigoldandivy · 02/01/2023 08:35

Try separate rooms. It may not take long for him to realise he won’t wake up without you prompting him. Then you could arrange for the alarm to go off at a level that you would hear, just once, and you can wake him up. You would still be woken up, but presumably it’s not that which is so annoying to you.

Notsurewhattoreplyandsay · 02/01/2023 08:39

Marigoldandivy · 02/01/2023 08:35

Try separate rooms. It may not take long for him to realise he won’t wake up without you prompting him. Then you could arrange for the alarm to go off at a level that you would hear, just once, and you can wake him up. You would still be woken up, but presumably it’s not that which is so annoying to you.

I dont see how that would be much better. He's a grown man he can get up himself without her help. If he can't he might need to consider another line of work maybe. I feel that really he doesn't get up because he knows she will eventually wake him, it's just pure laziness. Separate rooms should solve it.

Iamclearlyamug · 02/01/2023 08:39

greenjojocat · 02/01/2023 07:47

Can he get a smartwatch that vibrates on his wrist rather than makes a sound?

I was coming on to suggest this - sometimes movement wakes people better than noise.

Otherwise separate rooms - and since he gets up so early anyway he can do baby's first feed each morning in return for being such a selfish shit for so long 😇

Lightningrain · 02/01/2023 08:45

I’ll never understand people that say they can’t wake up on a morning but set multiple alarms resulting in an hour or two of disturbed sleep rather than a solid, restful period of sleep. Why, if you’re tired would you disturb your deep sleep time on purpose rather than getting as much time in the deplete stages of sleep as you can?

Tell him to read up on the stages of sleep and hopefully he’ll realise it’s not doing him any good. There’s an app that you can get that tracks your sleep and your alarm wakes you in the lighter stage of sleep (I used it for a bit a few years ago and the phone goes under your pillow - you can probably use a smartwatch now too).

Maybe also try a smartwatch to see if the vibration on his wrist is better for walking him than sound. It would be a win for you if it did.

What did he do before he was with you? I suspect he’s got into this habit because you’ve enabled it. He knows he doesn’t need to wake up with his alarms because you’ll wake him and let him know when it’s finally the one he needs to get up on.

I’d first be offering suggestions on what might be helpful to allow him to get up on his own and if he’s not receptive to that tell him you’ll be sleeping in the spare room and leaving him to it as you’re struggling with disturbed sleep. It’s extremely selfish to disturb someone else’s sleep on purpose like this and any decent person would do everyone they could to sort it out.

WTF475878237NC · 02/01/2023 08:50

Can he get a smartwatch that vibrates on his wrist rather than makes a sound?

^ yep.

Separate rooms isn't the answer then it means he won't do any night settling or winding after you've fed the baby and he's just getting an easy life. He sounds so selfish. Why is he setting it for so early and not when he must get up?

purpledalmation · 02/01/2023 10:02

Omg. My exH was the same. It was like water torture. I divorced him for other reasons but not before we slept in separate rooms.

purpledalmation · 02/01/2023 10:03

Utterly selfish behaviour

purpledalmation · 02/01/2023 10:06

He won't go for a separate room because the alarm doesn't even wake him up, he is relying on you to wake him up.

Droppit · 02/01/2023 10:10

I can't believe how inconsiderate he is being. Sleep is so important to wellbeing. Is he one of those people who resents having to get up early and thinks others should share the suffering?

Velda · 02/01/2023 10:11

Put your foot down. Insist on a maximum of one alarm and then he has to get straight out of bed. He’s being incredibly selfish but you’re facilitating it! In fact I would make him get a Fitbit which vibrates silently on his wrist, or even sleep in a separate room. He’s a grown man - refuse to wake him and tell him he has to do it himself.

maeveiscurious · 02/01/2023 10:14

How about a watch with a vibration feature starting 20 minutes before the alarm

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/01/2023 10:14

How was he getting himself up before you two got together?

Cherrysoup · 02/01/2023 10:19

I used to hit snooze once only until my DH told me how bloody selfish it is, couldn’t really argue about that, because it is. He’s basically torturing you. It’s very unfair. I’d tell him it’s separate rooms until he resolves HIS issue about being unable to get up before the alarm has gone off for an hour-that’s ridiculous. Maybe record a cow mooing because it needs milking-would that get him up?!

20viona · 02/01/2023 10:21

That's a complete piss take I would never stand for that!

HairyKitty · 02/01/2023 10:27

Has to be separate rooms unless you are happy to live with the interrupted sleep.
Or maybe half the nights separate, that might be enough for you

HairyKitty · 02/01/2023 10:28

Also dont say anything about it to him, go to bed early for a week and do t help
him wake up. The first day he’s late could be the last day he does this

aureus3012 · 02/01/2023 10:30

How about a glass of icy water tipped over his head Grin

suzyscat · 02/01/2023 10:51

Ah I was the same with alarms. It would annoy OH sometimes, and he's tease me but tbh he was getting up at the same time so it wasn't a big issue.

You can buy head ands with headphones in them that are comfortable to sleep with, and vibrating alarms/ smart watches. I'd also try suggesting he gets an earlier night.

handbagsandholidays · 02/01/2023 10:54

YANBU... I have an argument with my husband about this too! Glad/Sad I'm not the only one!! Xx

Snowpaw · 02/01/2023 10:54

I had a similar problem. My DP now has got a watch that vibrates on his wrist to wake him up instead of an alarm clock - works wonders and has really solved the problem.

On some nights though, if I have been super tired and I don't want to be disturbed in the morning I sleep in a different room or he does.

Remainiac · 02/01/2023 11:02

purpledalmation · 02/01/2023 10:06

He won't go for a separate room because the alarm doesn't even wake him up, he is relying on you to wake him up.

Was coming on to say exactly this. You are his alarm. He needs to sleep in the spare room and set the alarm for the time he MUST get up, not an hour’s snoozing. That way he knows that there’s no wriggle room.