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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that my family banned me from Christmas for having covid

768 replies

tantrumingcoldchild · 02/01/2023 02:42

I flew 4000 miles to see my parents for Christmas. I unfortunately have to live in a different country from them.

I am asymptomatic but had to test due to being exposed to someone with COVID.

My parent was supposed to pick me up from the airport but decided not to after the positive test.

I see my parent once a year at most. They don't travel to see me. My parent and the rest of their family went ahead with the celebration but I was uninvited.

Fortunately, my other parent picked me up and let me stay with them (my parents are divorced)

They have agreed to meet me in a park tomorrow for an hour, which will be the extent of my time with them for the next year.

AIBU to consider this relationship basically over?

OP posts:
echt · 02/01/2023 07:38

Badger1970 · 02/01/2023 07:35

Crikey you've had a hard time of it OP, flying a long way home and your parent acting like this.

I've got 3 adult DC, and luckily all live within 6 miles of the family home still. Had one been coming from abroad, they'd have been welcomed with open arms, Covid positive or not.

So basically, you don't know what you're on about.

lifeinthehills · 02/01/2023 07:38

MintyFreshOne · 02/01/2023 07:31

Fuck 'em. The expendables

She spent time and money to come see them. Obviously she loves them and doesn’t think that.

What I am saying is that, when you live abroad like OP does, you know in the back of your mind it could be the last time you ever see someone. So you make the most of your time together. She won’t be able to return until next year at the earliest.

Covid is fairly low risk at this point (yes, I know anecdotes are above, but they are just that. Anecdotes) and they were willing to risk 100+ plus mile drive to the airport. The risk profile is probably not far off tbh.

I don’t think many of these posters would actually abandon their child and grandchild at the airport if they tested positive for Covid, because that’s essentially what happened here.

I hadn't seen my parents for four years and still told them I couldn't see them if they came down with Covid. I just can't have any contact with someone with Covid knowingly. I won't even get on a plane myself at this stage in case I bring it home to someone it does matter for.

These anecdotes are real people. Covid is mild for me it seems, but I've seen devastating consequences in others.

londonrach · 02/01/2023 07:40

Yabu. You had covid.

MintyFreshOne · 02/01/2023 07:42

If anything you should have discussed or known prior to travelling what their views were if you were to test positive

Basically she can never travel to see her parents ever again, can she? Because you can test negative pre-flight and then positive after arrival.

Exactly, and what I did when travelling more than 10,000 miles to see much-loved relations and friends after a six-year gap. It's what you do, and it cuts both ways as I would have wanted to know the COVID status of households I was visiting

And if a child of yours, who spent lots of time and money to see you, tested positive for Covid but wasn’t actually sick, you’d tell them to go away and sort themselves out knowing they would be stuck at an airport until they could arrange a hotel and transport?

I’ll be frank—this isn’t normal behaviour from a parent.

Jackandjamie · 02/01/2023 07:42

Not to be rude but what was the intention behind testing if you planned to ignore the result? I think it’s a rubbish situation and I’d be annoyed too BUT a lot of older people (most actually) are still terrified of covid. I think any illness is scarier for older people and it is unreasonable to ask them to risk their health (in their eyes). I’m sure she wasn’t happy to uninvite you and the intention behind it was just to protect her health.

Pootle40 · 02/01/2023 07:43

Waynettaaa · 02/01/2023 02:56

I definitely still would have seen you after all your efforts with travelling. I would feel exactly the same in your position.

Same.

midnightfirework · 02/01/2023 07:44

It sounds like you don't really care about them much anyway tbh.

If it were my mum I'd be like I HAVE COVID I'M SO SORRY! Shall I come to wave at you outside the window? I wouldn't be kicking up a fuss and and sulking they wouldn't let me in their house.

It sucks but it is the world we live in now where it can strike at inconvenient times.

smooththecat · 02/01/2023 07:47

I think that given the absolute shitshow that is the UK health system at the moment I can’t blame anyone for being cautious about getting ill or doing anything that may mean you need healthcare of any description. There may not be any system there to care for you and you could end up with a very poor outcome due to lack of treatment, even for common or easily treatable illnesses.

echt · 02/01/2023 07:48

And if a child of yours, who spent lots of time and money to see you, tested positive for Covid but wasn’t actually sick, you’d tell them to go away and sort themselves out knowing they would be stuck at an airport until they could arrange a hotel and transport?I’ll be frank—this isn’t normal behaviour from a parent

Inconveniently for your argument, I was writing about what I did, and by analogy what the OP should have done. You turning it into an entirely different imaginary scenario is beside the point. It hasn't happened. Should it do so, I'll get back to you.

I despise the so-frequently expressed view on MN, that poster just know what they'd do in the future, particularly regarding their children. Utter wank.

LAMPS1 · 02/01/2023 07:48

I don’t want covid (or any flu type illness) in our house so I would do everything I possibly could to avoid it including warnings to visitors before travelling. My adult children would similarly take responsibility and do everything they could not to pass it on. So I think it’s unreasonable to feel rejected as such. There does appear to be a sense of entitlement in your OP as well as a lack of understanding from their point of view which I wouldn’t expect from one of my visitor DC.
However, having said that, as a parent in that position I would simply have to absorb the risk rather than leave you stranded with nowhere to go with a bleak Christmas in front of you. I would try to minimise the risk as much as possible and expect you to take responsibility to do the same by largely staying in your room, wearing masks etc until you no longer tested positive. I would be very upset indeed if you had a cavalier attitude to the risk of passing covid on.

TirisfalPumpkin · 02/01/2023 07:49

YANBU, they could’ve taken steps to mitigate the risk. It would be a different scenario if they were extremely vulnerable and were not going out/to shops etc, but from what you’ve said that doesn’t seem to be the case. They sound open to the risk of COVID from everyday scenarios but not from welcoming you after a long journey and major expense to see them. That’s startlingly inhospitable and unkind, and I’d struggle to have a relationship with them after that too.

good that you got to see your other parent though. Hope you had a lovely time with them.

GrinAndVomit · 02/01/2023 07:52

If my child lived that far away that I only saw them and my grandchildren once a year, I would be forming a little covid bubble with them.
I’d isolate with them for a few days and then see everyone else after that.
You’re right to be annoyed. There were options for them but they didn’t choose to make you or your children a priority after you’d spent all that time and money to see them.
I wouldn’t be making a return trip to see them.

Tabitha888 · 02/01/2023 07:56

I think your need to get a grip. Covid can really make some people unwell. I'd do the same tbh. If you cared you wouldn't risk making them sick. Just because it didn't make you I'll you don't know what it does to others

anyolddinosaur · 02/01/2023 08:00

Going out to shops etc carries a lower risk than having someone you know to be infected in a small enclosed space with you for hours or days. They could have been better about ensuring the OP had somewhere to stay but an adult with no symptoms can sort themself out.

The parent they didnt see is over 60 and, I'd guess, male. Covid still kills people in that age group or makes them pretty ill. Long covid affects every age group and the risk doesnt go away with previous infection.

Maybe OP has a poor relationship with one parent because the OP is selfish and quite willing to make that parent ill.

OPS choice not to stay closer and seethe parent for more time outdoors. Also doesnt seem to have said how long they are staying and if they could stay longer and seethe parent when they are less infectious.

I wonder if they only tested because it was a requirement of the country they are visiting and if they will also knowingly fly back to their home with covid.

MrsSquirrel · 02/01/2023 08:01

tantrumingcoldchild · 02/01/2023 03:51

@SugarplumFairyyy they already have been disappointingly uninterested in me for most of my life

This is the real issue. It's crap when you don't have the relationship with your parents that you would like. You would NBU to reduce contact with them for this reason.

Harperweek · 02/01/2023 08:03

OP, I currently have Covid. Don’t know where I caught it from but if it had been from a family member coming to stay who knowingly had it I would have been furious. I have been really poorly and I am usually fit and healthy. Thursday and Friday last week was horrendous. I still feel unwell today.

be thankful you’ve no symptoms.

11BY · 02/01/2023 08:03

Pootle40 · 02/01/2023 07:43

Same.

Show quote history

I agree TBH.

I know that if I had traveled to my parents' country and discovered I had covid on the way, they'd asked me to come to theirs and looked after me, even though df is at higher risk of Civid due to existing conditions. I would have either decline and gone into a hotel or gone to theirs and isolated in a room in the house. After all, what will the parents do if one of them get covid, ask them to leave their home? It is cold and unreasonable and not how close family behave. You could have worn a mask, everyone could have and kept yourself away in their house. Very odd indeed.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 02/01/2023 08:04

I initially thought YABU but I’ve changed my mind. OP you must be heartbroken. It sounds as though there are huge background issues. To cast you aside like this is cruel. I’m so sorry 💐

TirisfalPumpkin · 02/01/2023 08:09

Happy to be corrected if I'm behind on the current research, but wasn't it found that asymptomatic positive cases pose a minimal transmission risk?

And yeah, didn't want to write a wall of text, but it does read as though the COVID thing is more a manifestation of underlying issues in the family. This is probably best taken as part of a pattern of OP being devalued and deprioritised, rather than an isolated instance of a family reasonably not wanting COVID in their home.

sunlovingcriminal · 02/01/2023 08:10

Icedlatteplease · 02/01/2023 04:04

I'm confused by the timeliness. Did you test positive before you travelled or after? Do you not have travel insurance that covers covid?

This.

How did you get to the airport and know you had covid?

cookiesbeforepookies · 02/01/2023 08:15

tantrumingcoldchild · 02/01/2023 03:53

And I will see them at the park, but I am not that thrilled about it. There's no point in having an argument with them or anything. Their actions say it all really.

I really wouldn’t bother seeing them in the park. Fuck them.

Bpdqueen · 02/01/2023 08:15

After recently spending over a month in hospital with covid there is no way I would knowingly let someone in my home with it

Iwonder08 · 02/01/2023 08:16

I can't imagine my parents not seeing me after all this travelling covid or not. You are 100% right to be upset. I would take it as a sign they don't care much.
MN is a weird place re covid. It somehow attracts a very high number of covid obsessive people. I literally don't know anyone in real life apart from 1 seriously immunocompromised person who would care about catching covid more than catching a cold now.

Aishah231 · 02/01/2023 08:16

I'm with you OP. That's shitty unnatural behaviour for any parent - COVID or not (it's just the same as having a mild cold these days unless they are extremely vulnerable it's madness to turn away a child who has travelled thousands of miles for that). Would they have done the same to your step siblings. I suspect not. I wouldn't bother going to the park in your situation.

Pterrydactyl · 02/01/2023 08:19

You getting Covid now is really shit timing, but honestly, I wouldn’t want to be welcoming a family member with Covid into my house either.

I’ve had Covid twice, despite being vaccinated - I’d had my first two doses of the vaccine before catching Covid the first time - and I felt worse with it the second time I caught it.
I’d not want to spend any time in an enclosed space with someone who I knew had Covid and risk catching it a third time. It’s great for you that you’re asymptomatic, but someone catching it from you may not be so lucky.

Although it does sound like there’s some issues with your relationship with this parent anyway. Even with them not being comfortable meeting face to face they could still be calling you every day.