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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that my family banned me from Christmas for having covid

768 replies

tantrumingcoldchild · 02/01/2023 02:42

I flew 4000 miles to see my parents for Christmas. I unfortunately have to live in a different country from them.

I am asymptomatic but had to test due to being exposed to someone with COVID.

My parent was supposed to pick me up from the airport but decided not to after the positive test.

I see my parent once a year at most. They don't travel to see me. My parent and the rest of their family went ahead with the celebration but I was uninvited.

Fortunately, my other parent picked me up and let me stay with them (my parents are divorced)

They have agreed to meet me in a park tomorrow for an hour, which will be the extent of my time with them for the next year.

AIBU to consider this relationship basically over?

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 02/01/2023 07:12

MintyFreshOne · 02/01/2023 07:04

I would not be letting someone with Covid in my house though to be honest

Its not just someone though. It’s their child, who they can only see once a year and spent a lot of time and money to come see them.

I don’t actually believe some posters would prefer their child fly back home without seeing them! It will be another year (if that) before they get this chance again.

If her DPs are sick enough to die or get very ill from Covid, then they may well die in the coming year and not ever see their child again. It might be worth the small risk when thought of that way.

It’s not like she can just see her parents next month or something.

I guess you don't have anyone immune compromised in your house, who has already been in hospital and taken months to recover from a bout of Covid?

I told my visitors that if they had any doubts, they needed to rearrange their travel as I wouldn't see them. That would include my child, parents, anyone. The need of the vulnerable child takes precedence here. Nothing is worth going through what we went through before.

What I would do is drop meals and try to make sure they were taken care of, drop them Christmas presents, and fly to see them myself later when they were fully recovered. Or pay for them to come back again.

It's a horrible thing to do, but sometimes you have to.

MintJulia · 02/01/2023 07:13

I’ve just caught Covid again this year. I have been so Ill I could not move.
I am still having side effects. if my family member or friend knowingly came over with Covid I wouldn’t think much of them for willingly passing this on!

This

It is terribly disappointing and I understand why you are upset but they are in their 60s, which puts them in a key risk group. Covid is a horrible illness that kills and leaves people disabled. Just because they have already had it, does not mean they are immune.

Don't fall out with them over this. Wait until you are home and the dust has settled. You will probably feel differently.

RonObvious · 02/01/2023 07:13

YetiTeri · 02/01/2023 07:06

Bit (but also not) surprised at the hard time you've been getting here. Not going to a do because you have Covid and having to stay at home is one thing. But being left at the airport and told to fend for yourself is something different.

Your parents have both made their decisions, you can treat them accordingly in future.

I agree with this. I think were the OP’s post worded slightly differently, they might be getting a different response. Whilst not wanting someone who is Covid positive in your house is reasonable, ignoring them for three days when they have travelled a long way to see you for Christmas is not.

DomesticShortHair · 02/01/2023 07:13

Wombat100 · 02/01/2023 03:08

Don’t then, no skin off my nose.

You asked if you are being unreasonable. Currently 82% of posters say you are being unreasonable. Choose to ignore that if you want but seems pretty definitive to me.

Show quote history

Remember, that’s 82% of posters on Mumsnet. This is one of the best things about MN. If ever I have a bit of a dilemma, instead of spending hours weighing up the various pros and cons, I often just think ‘What would Mumsnet do?’ and do the opposite. It’s an excellent, and very useful, service.

echt · 02/01/2023 07:14

If anything you should have discussed or known prior to travelling what their views were if you were to test positive

Exactly, and what I did when travelling more than 10,000 miles to see much-loved relations and friends after a six-year gap. It's what you do, and it cuts both ways as I would have wanted to know the COVID status of households I was visiting.

I agree that the OP appears to have baggage way over the allowance.

MarshaBradyo · 02/01/2023 07:17

Mummieslncorporated · 02/01/2023 06:47

So according to you, op

You arrived in the country COVID-free, then went to visit family who gave you COVID.

You didn't fly with COVID.

But your parent refused to pick you up from the AIRPORT, because you had COVID.

Am I missing something here?

I’m not sure why pick up from airport and airport hotel in other post are relevant if op stayed in another city just beforehand

Op why did you test? out of interest

Hairyfairy01 · 02/01/2023 07:17

I think if I were your parents I would be more upset at how inconsiderate you are being. Yes it's annoying, you have travelled a long way, but that doesn't give you the right to massively increase their chances of catching covid off you. Despite what some people may think it's a horrible illness that can have long term effects and kill even young, healthy adults. And the last place I would want my parents to be right now is any hospital.

Stunningscreamer · 02/01/2023 07:19

FixItUpChappie · 02/01/2023 03:53

I see your point OP and it sounds like they handled very poorly. I think I would be aggrieved too actually. In your parents shoes I would have set you and grandchild up in a separate area of the house, wore a mask, spent lots of time together outdoors for a few days and told local guests to make other plans. I would NOT have just said "oh well, sort yourself out bye" and leave you at the airport then say nary a thing for 3 days. What a shit Christmas for you and your child I really feel for you.

I would have done this too. I think it's the lack of basic care they've shown the OP that stings. And some of the people on here that have just put the boot in without any understanding of why the OP might be upset should be ashamed of themselves.

Even if you didn't want the OP to stay, to just not phone her or seemingly show any distress about her not being able to attend family events is incredibly hurtful. Especially when they never go and see her. And yes it makes even more sense if they were like that previously. OP people who've grown up in loving families or who've dealt with dysfunctional families by becoming self contained and avoidant just don't get what it's like to grow up in uncaring or neglectful families and to still hope they'll include you.

I would at the very least have invited you to come to sit outside for part of the day so I could spend some time with you, or made the effort to come to you. I'm sorry they're so uncaring but you won't change them and maybe it's better to cut them off than live with this ongoing hurt, because they are unlikely to change.

Nowthenhere · 02/01/2023 07:20

The world has gone mad! I'm so sorry you were left stranded at an airport from the very person who is meant to love you unconditionally.
I probably wouldn't meet in the park and if I did, I would probably turn up for a few minutes then tell them that I had a commitment and just leave them there.
You deserve better.

iRun2eatCake · 02/01/2023 07:21

Are you still testing positive now?

ichundich · 02/01/2023 07:21

Going against the grain here; I don't think YABU unreasonable. The current official advice from the government is that people with symptomatic covid should stay at home. I've just recovered from flu, which was 10 times worse than covid. People are vaccinated now, and the current strains aren't as severe as the original ones.

Stunningscreamer · 02/01/2023 07:22

MarshaBradyo · 02/01/2023 07:17

I’m not sure why pick up from airport and airport hotel in other post are relevant if op stayed in another city just beforehand

Op why did you test? out of interest

Show quote history

She says in the OP she tested because she'd been exposed to Covid in the other city she'd visited before coming to her parents' city.

echt · 02/01/2023 07:23

ichundich · 02/01/2023 07:21

Going against the grain here; I don't think YABU unreasonable. The current official advice from the government is that people with symptomatic covid should stay at home. I've just recovered from flu, which was 10 times worse than covid. People are vaccinated now, and the current strains aren't as severe as the original ones.

Covid is different for everyone, vaccinations or no.

ichundich · 02/01/2023 07:25

echt · 02/01/2023 07:23

Covid is different for everyone, vaccinations or no.

Show quote history

So is flu (can be fatal), so are a lot of other viruses. What's your point?

Lerk · 02/01/2023 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mummieslncorporated · 02/01/2023 07:26

Stunningscreamer · 02/01/2023 07:22

She says in the OP she tested because she'd been exposed to Covid in the other city she'd visited before coming to her parents' city.

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Yes, but why then would her parent need to pick her up from the airport, if she a) had just been in a different city and b) hadn't flown with covid.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/01/2023 07:28

tantrumingcoldchild · 02/01/2023 02:55

@Floralnomad i spent thousands of pounds and took a lot of time off work to travel with my young child to see them. Everyone involved is vaccinated and has had COVID. I think that this demonstrates that they don't care much about me.

It's you that are being completely selfish endangering your family.

frylite · 02/01/2023 07:28

I can see both sides.

I don't understand the timeline though.

lifeinthehills · 02/01/2023 07:29

ichundich · 02/01/2023 07:25

So is flu (can be fatal), so are a lot of other viruses. What's your point?

Show quote history

You wouldn't deliberately bring those to the home of someone vulnerable either. I wouldn't visit someone without vulnerability factors with anything like that either.

MintyFreshOne · 02/01/2023 07:31

Fuck 'em. The expendables

She spent time and money to come see them. Obviously she loves them and doesn’t think that.

What I am saying is that, when you live abroad like OP does, you know in the back of your mind it could be the last time you ever see someone. So you make the most of your time together. She won’t be able to return until next year at the earliest.

Covid is fairly low risk at this point (yes, I know anecdotes are above, but they are just that. Anecdotes) and they were willing to risk 100+ plus mile drive to the airport. The risk profile is probably not far off tbh.

I don’t think many of these posters would actually abandon their child and grandchild at the airport if they tested positive for Covid, because that’s essentially what happened here.

MarshaBradyo · 02/01/2023 07:31

Stunningscreamer · 02/01/2023 07:22

She says in the OP she tested because she'd been exposed to Covid in the other city she'd visited before coming to her parents' city.

Show quote history

I agree with pp on pick up inconsistency but also if you are motivated to test then you’re more likely to act on it or just not test at all, after all we’re likely exposed to Covid a lot these days without knowing and most don’t bother to test.

W0tnow · 02/01/2023 07:34

I’d be incredibly hurt. As you say, everyone involved has had it AND been vaccinated. My family wouldn’t do that to me, in similar circumstances. Nor would I, to them. Covid has done a real number on people.

EndlessRain1 · 02/01/2023 07:35

Your partent WNBU to not want you at the Christmas celebrations with Covid. However, I would also have been absolutely fuming and hurt at being left at an airport with a small child 100s of miles away from anyone I knew/ the arranged accomodation. Especially after a long and expensive journey to see that parent, to then be left to spend Christmas at an airport hotel with a child. As a parent, I would never have done that to my child either. The sensible thing would have been to let you come to theirs and isolate you in a room untill you weren't contagious anymore. Then you could also have had some food, presents, etc.

Badger1970 · 02/01/2023 07:35

Crikey you've had a hard time of it OP, flying a long way home and your parent acting like this.

I've got 3 adult DC, and luckily all live within 6 miles of the family home still. Had one been coming from abroad, they'd have been welcomed with open arms, Covid positive or not.

echt · 02/01/2023 07:37

MintyFreshOne · 02/01/2023 07:31

Fuck 'em. The expendables

She spent time and money to come see them. Obviously she loves them and doesn’t think that.

What I am saying is that, when you live abroad like OP does, you know in the back of your mind it could be the last time you ever see someone. So you make the most of your time together. She won’t be able to return until next year at the earliest.

Covid is fairly low risk at this point (yes, I know anecdotes are above, but they are just that. Anecdotes) and they were willing to risk 100+ plus mile drive to the airport. The risk profile is probably not far off tbh.

I don’t think many of these posters would actually abandon their child and grandchild at the airport if they tested positive for Covid, because that’s essentially what happened here.

I do live abroad and I know all about the meaning of distance and seeing loved ones.
Fuck her time and money. It appalls me that they are trotted out as reasons to mitigate her relations' health. The OP does not get to make the decision about the likelihood of her parents being dead next year, so being OK for her to be the source of infection.
COVID is not low risk for everyone. How many times does this have to be said?