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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that my family banned me from Christmas for having covid

768 replies

tantrumingcoldchild · 02/01/2023 02:42

I flew 4000 miles to see my parents for Christmas. I unfortunately have to live in a different country from them.

I am asymptomatic but had to test due to being exposed to someone with COVID.

My parent was supposed to pick me up from the airport but decided not to after the positive test.

I see my parent once a year at most. They don't travel to see me. My parent and the rest of their family went ahead with the celebration but I was uninvited.

Fortunately, my other parent picked me up and let me stay with them (my parents are divorced)

They have agreed to meet me in a park tomorrow for an hour, which will be the extent of my time with them for the next year.

AIBU to consider this relationship basically over?

OP posts:
MintyFreshOne · 02/01/2023 10:08

Soontobe60 · 02/01/2023 09:58

You said your parent was supposed to pick you up from the airport.

Show quote history

She’s left it vague but it’s very possible she flew into a bigger city, stayed for a few days and then flew to a regional city.

This would be a common thing to do in places like Oz, Canada, US, etc

Dotjones · 02/01/2023 10:09

YABU. If you have Covid you should isolate and not be socialising with your family. Your family clearly have a higher opinion of you than they should, they naturally assumed that if you had tested positive for Covid you would not want to risk infecting them.

You made the choice to fly. You should have been aware of the risk of getting Covid on a plane is very high even if you're "clean" when you get on the flight. So the sensible thing would have just been to fly over on December 1st and self-quarantine in a hotel for three weeks. That way you could have been fairly sure of being Covid-free for the festive period.

Loics · 02/01/2023 10:09

I agree that YABU. I wouldn't go into close contact with my family, also in another country, knowing I have covid. I wouldn't expect them to have me indoors either. Long covid has really knocked my previously healthy parents for six, it's scary how ill they became after having it a second time, and although not seriously ill, they still struggle with fatigue and catching every illness going around.

MajesticWhine · 02/01/2023 10:09

This was a very unfortunate situation and nobody's fault really. And similar has happened to many people over the last 2 years. Seems like there's a big back story re. your feelings towards this parent so that is what is governing your reaction.
But I am not clear why you tested, if you would not be willing to then act on the test results by staying away from people.

shesabitofastrangeone · 02/01/2023 10:10

If they're older, I think it's understandable that they wouldn't want to be hanging out with you, however if it were my family member I'd do everything I could to help them feel included. I'd make sure they had somewhere comfy to stay, lots of treats, video calls and probably some walks outdoors too. Wouldn't just abandon you to it!

TheGoogleMum · 02/01/2023 10:10

We didn't see MIL this Christmas because she had covid. Felt bad but I'm currently pregnant and we didn't want to risk me catching it as there is a known increase of risk to pregnant women (we are vaccinated and have had covid before but over a year ago now). We also still have a few symptoms from the horrific respiratory infection she passed on to us in November!

ADifferentKindofChristmas · 02/01/2023 10:12

Hell would freeze over before I turned my child away having travelled so far Covid or no Covid.

YANBU.

pharaohrocher · 02/01/2023 10:14

JemimaTiggywinkles · 02/01/2023 09:45

I'm with you OP. I live 5 mins from my mum but she'd still want me there at Christmas even if I had asymptomatic covid. I cannot imagine being turned away, let alone stranded at an airport.

But then, my family are in contact with various colds, flu and covid on a daily basis (2 teachers and a TA) so we're pretty relaxed about it now. The first few times of "miss, I tested positive for covid last night" were unnerving but you get over that reasonably quick when you've got no choice!

People who live 5 minutes away from each other, presumably seeing each other regularly all year round yet still can't bear to keep their distance when they've got covid, are nothing to aspire to.

Great that you're all so relaxed about illness, I expect you're similarly relaxed when you're spreading viruses around in public because I doubt you'd isolate or wear masks.

JorisBonson · 02/01/2023 10:15

OP has flounced.

knittingaddict · 02/01/2023 10:15

Icedlatteplease · 02/01/2023 04:04

I'm confused by the timeliness. Did you test positive before you travelled or after? Do you not have travel insurance that covers covid?

Guess we'll never know why on earth the op didn't test before flying. I'm assuming that negative tests are required by airlines now.

I don't have to test before I see my dad in his care home now. I still do it because it's the right thing to do. If I was positive I wouldn't dream of going near him. Same for getting in a plane with a load of strangers who can't distance themselves from me.

Puckthemagicdragon · 02/01/2023 10:16

Why on earth did you share your result?

ThisGirlNever · 02/01/2023 10:18

tantrumingcoldchild · 02/01/2023 02:42

I flew 4000 miles to see my parents for Christmas. I unfortunately have to live in a different country from them.

I am asymptomatic but had to test due to being exposed to someone with COVID.

My parent was supposed to pick me up from the airport but decided not to after the positive test.

I see my parent once a year at most. They don't travel to see me. My parent and the rest of their family went ahead with the celebration but I was uninvited.

Fortunately, my other parent picked me up and let me stay with them (my parents are divorced)

They have agreed to meet me in a park tomorrow for an hour, which will be the extent of my time with them for the next year.

AIBU to consider this relationship basically over?

I'd be very pissed off.

I think this just goes to show that you should never engage with covid testing and, if you're forced to get tested, don't bother collecting our sharing your results.

MintyFreshOne · 02/01/2023 10:19

You made the choice to fly. You should have been aware of the risk of getting Covid on a plane is very high even if you're "clean" when you get on the flight. So the sensible thing would have just been to fly over on December 1st and self-quarantine in a hotel for three weeks. That way you could have been fairly sure of being Covid-free for the festive period

lol no.

RedRobyn2021 · 02/01/2023 10:20

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. It's not just the fact they uninvited you to Christmas it's the fact you travelled a long way, you took copious amounts of annual leave and spent 1000s to get there. It's the fact they left you stranded at an airport, with a young child no less who I presume is their grandchild. It's the fact, that they don't seem to have checked in to see if you were ok or organised for you to have any alternative accommodation.

It's the fact that they've had covid and have already been vaccinated.

It's the fact they won't see you for another year.

I honestly don't know how people can come on here and say you're being unreasonable. Is this an acceptable way to treat our children? I think fucking not.

I'm sorry OP, it's just shit for you.

oviraptor21 · 02/01/2023 10:21

OP probably did test before flying and was no doubt negative. She said she thought she picked it up at the interim city.

Tbh I'm more worried about StrepA now. No-one here is testing for covid so it's highly likely to be floating around with all the other colds and flus now with no-one any the wiser as to which particular bug they have.

MintyFreshOne · 02/01/2023 10:21

Guess we'll never know why on earth the op didn't test before flying. I'm assuming that negative tests are required by airlines now

Airlines don’t require them. They will check if the destination country requires it. Most places (except to-from China) have already dropped these requirements as Covid is everywhere now so quite pointless.

Shodan · 02/01/2023 10:23

ADifferentKindofChristmas · 02/01/2023 10:12

Hell would freeze over before I turned my child away having travelled so far Covid or no Covid.

YANBU.

Exactly this. Not a chance would I turn down the chance to spend time with either of my children, if I only got to see them once a year and they'd done the heavy work of travelling to see me.

Hobbesmanc · 02/01/2023 10:24

We've been on two long haul flights recently and there was no requirement to test.

I can't imagine seeing a child once a year. And then banning them because of COVID. I'm in my fifties and have had COVID twice. I had pneumonia years ago and was much sicker.

Banishing a child and grandchild at Christmas isn't something I could stomach.

Bestcatmum · 02/01/2023 10:25

I cant believe that you were dumb enough to travel all that way without testing for covid and also that you are happy to give it to your entire family!!!
I work in the NHS and we still have people very ill with it.
How very selfish. They did the right thing.

crossstitchingnana · 02/01/2023 10:25

My brothers, in their 50s, wouldn't meet with me because a family member of mine has it currently. I get it. It's disappointing but I get it.

knittingaddict · 02/01/2023 10:26

MintyFreshOne · 02/01/2023 10:21

Guess we'll never know why on earth the op didn't test before flying. I'm assuming that negative tests are required by airlines now

Airlines don’t require them. They will check if the destination country requires it. Most places (except to-from China) have already dropped these requirements as Covid is everywhere now so quite pointless.

Sorry, I meant to say "aren't required" in my previous post and it autocorrected to are. It's what I thought from what op had said.

NoNameNowAgain · 02/01/2023 10:27

MintyFreshOne · 02/01/2023 10:08

She’s left it vague but it’s very possible she flew into a bigger city, stayed for a few days and then flew to a regional city.

This would be a common thing to do in places like Oz, Canada, US, etc

Show quote history

That implies she flew with Covid on an internal flight. She still then ended up hundreds of miles from her parent, who was going to do a huge round trip to collect her.

GetThatHelmetOn · 02/01/2023 10:29

Oh well, after both my parents almost died from COVID and it’s complications after an asymptomatic relative’s visit, I decided to stay away and not risking them again by bringing to them a new variant from my new country or catching one in the plane.

It was hard, but I have no regrets. I have all my covid vaccines and also my older friends/relatives do now but… there is not fucking way I would insist in visiting an older person when I am covid positive, no matter how well vaccinated we are these days and how little I visit.

YomAsalYomBasal · 02/01/2023 10:29

OP you sound quite young, and you're basically throwing your toys out of the pram here. Yes it's understandable they didn't want to deliberately infect themselves with covid. YABU to say "fine screw them then"

dcut · 02/01/2023 10:33

There's obviously a massive backstory to this about the way this parent has behaved towards you in the past.
I think YABU about the covid part of this. People have different anxiety levels and attitudes towards it. If you are asymptomatic there is a much reduced risk of passing it on but there is still some risk. I can understand the parent not wanting to catch it - even vaccinated people are still getting it and being really quite ill for some time, as are people who have had it before.
However, I really cannot understand the parent not wanting to see you at all (apart from the walk in the park) and seemingly not caring about how you were to get from the airport or whether you had somewhere to stay. Perhaps they thought the other parent would deal with it so it wasn't a big deal - but it does show a lack of care and concern. Also the first parent could have invited you around to sit in the garden and everyone could have worn FFP2 masks for a couple of hours which wouldn't be too much to ask considering you had spent a lot of money and flown 4000 miles to visit them.
I think you have had an absolute pasting on here but I can understand why you feel hurt. It sounds like this is the last straw in a relationship where the parent hasn't been that bothered about you - eg. not phoning you, not visiting you, not caring about your welfare etc.

TL:DR YABU about the covid positive test - you cannot expect everyone to let you stay with them if you have covid because of the risk to them of catching it. Your parent WBU not making any kind of effort whatsoever.
You still got to spend Christmas with another parent.
There's a backstory to this so people shouldn't be too harsh on you because of the way you phrased your OP.