To think it can't be that bad? Negative DH about 2nd baby

[toddlerterrorism]

Toddler is going through a particularly intense phase which has unfortunately coincided with the last few weeks of my pregnancy, and I'm not naive to the fact that two kids will obviously be harder than one.

But DH seems to not even be excited anymore, he's full of dread and everytime toddler kicks off he just looks in despair and keeps saying why have we done this, it's going to be hell. It's getting me down because it was just feels like we're dreading our new arrival when we should be excited.

AIBU? It can't be that bloody soul destroying or no one would do it. We both have and love having siblings I want to feel excited not like everything is about to fall to absolute shit and we're going to be miserable. It also feels unfair on the new baby!

All babies/children are different. I had a super easy one first and we thought this is nice we will have another one. Second child was so difficult. He had projectile vomiting. He was sick everywhere two or three times a day. I am sure I smelled of baby sick for first 5 months. Every time I showered he vomitted on me. He got better by about 6 months. Your second baby might be super easy. My first child slept through night every night by 11 weeks. Yours might do the same.

It might be hellish sometimes but he is a grown up and a father so has to grit his teeth and get through it.

Have you asked him why he is saying these things to you and what does he hope to achieve by doing so? Why does he feel saying this is the right thing to do?

If you think he might actually be depressed, send him to the GP.

It’s literally just been Christmas. Where’s the joy? Could you try and do something nice or pleasant and enjoyable?

It is hard but worth it IMO. When baby is born you will (hopefully) both be completely in love with them which does help. Introducing DC1 to DC2 is a magical moment. My two are 5 and 2 now and still very hard work in combination, but they also have a lovely bond - they bicker but can also play and be very sweet together.

He's not wrong to be anxious about how you'll cope; it's a bit adjustment and we've had a lot of "what have we DONE" moments. But that cliché about your heart growing to accommodate more love is very true.

big adjustment

As someone with a 3yr old and 1yr old... Don't do it. It's fucking shit.

DS was 2 when I was pregnant and we really struggled with his behaviour, so much so that the health visitor called in someone from the behavioural team.

He's a lovely little boy, we were just struggling to find ways to teach him that his behaviour wasn't okay.

My twins are 8 months old now and honestly, they've just slotted into our lives. One of our twins has multiple health issues and constant appointments which is the tricky part.
My son is such a sweet little boy and I wouldn't change the jump from 1-3 for the world.

People ask how we cope and we just don't have a choice. We do it for the kids.

What do you expect the OP to do? She's about to have no.2, she can't send it back!
Though im sorry you're having a tough time of it with two wee ones.

My kids have a 2 years gap. It is difficult. Very. But we all survived.

I’m surviving. It’s relatively joyless and gruelling interspersed with moments of pure all-encompassing love that you couldn’t get in any other way.

Many many other mum friends of mine all feel the same, but non of us would change it so 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t know why we do it to ourselves but we do, and we get through it. But obviously it’s much harder and stressful than staying child free and travelling the world living your best life.

To be honest my first born (6) has been a nightmare, she never stops, has an answer for everything, barely sleeps… having another on top hasn’t made it any harder because I was already sleep deprived and at the end of my rope. At least they have each other, I went into motherhood knowing I couldn’t have an only so here we are.

I will saying I found going from 1 to 2 the hardest transition. However we now have 4 kids so it obviously wasn't too bad. Although I wouldn't recommend 4 to anyone 😄

Didn't realise she was pregnant I thought it was more a discussion if they should or shouldn't.

But good luck to them.

YABU. I have to say your husband is right and just being realistic. However, we all chose to be parents so just have to get on with it, do the best we can and IMO most importantly, work together as a team. Kids are so hard but they also bring so much joy. Congrats OP!

How on Earth is this helpful?! OP is in the final stages of pregnancy 🙄

She literally mentioned her pregnancy in the first paragraph.

Try reading the OP?

Tell him to stop, there is no need to be so negative about something that's happening. It might have its hard bits but it is temporary and it will pay off when they play together and you can take your foot off the pedal.
There is every chance it won't be that bad, second babies can just spot right in and you realise they don't even need the intensity that you parent with after the first one.

This. Too late for you OP but your husband is spot on.

@IveHadEnoughNowFfs
"she never stops, has an answer for everything, barely sleeps"

Have you considered whether she might have ADHD?

My oldest is challenging in various ways; when I considered they might be neurodiverse in some way it was a lightbulb moment. We are on the long path to referral and assessment atm.

I had baby number 3 in September. My eldest has just turned 5. It's very very hard, alot of the time BUT when the stars align it's pretty magical. This Christmas was brilliant, I'm totally, totally exhausted but I loved every minute. We had our moments of oh my god what have we done when all of our babies were set to arrive tbh but now things have settled we genuinely feel like this last baby has rounded our family off. You will be fine. Congratulations btw.

It will be hard work. There's nothing wrong with being realistic. I'd rather that that someone going on about how amazing it will be all the time.
doesn't mean that he's not excited about the baby.

I also have a 3yr old and a 1yr old. I love it, I love seeing them together and I haven't found it particularly difficult going from 1 to 2 children. No regrets at all. Don't worry OP, you'll cope fine.

DD1 was 2yrs 4m when DD2 was born. They're now 3 and 8 months. It was bloody hard to begin with but it's so worth it now, DD1 has come through the terrible twos and is much 'nicer', and DD2 can sit up and play by herself on the floor

We have a family member who specialises in neurodiverse children and he says she doesn’t show any traits that he can see, same thing said by the TA in her class who is there to support another ND child. She’s just who she is! She’s very bright and often behaves like a child much older, speaks like a much older child and I sometimes forget she’s 6 and doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to back up what her mouth is saying or fully understand things. To be honest I have depression and I think my capacity to be the parent she needs is somewhat depleted, it’s something I’m working on in hopes better parenting from me will help her mature out of some of her behaviours. Thanks for suggesting it though, it was something I was wondering about for a long time but just doesn’t really fit. I hope your path to getting answers is swift and you get the help you deserve x

I've had a similar situation recently and it has made the excitement turn into dread/fear a bit. I'm planning to just focus on my babies and get back to work earlier this time around if I can. Its the day in/day out relentlessess I find hard, so another full year of maternity leave doesn't actually seem as appealing as it once did.

As others have said, I never wanted an only child so no matter how hard those early years are going to be - keep the focus on the long term and do whatever it takes to manage your resilience in the meantime. I didn't rely as much on family as I should have the first time around (partly covid/lockdown related) but I 100% will be this time!!!!