To think it can't be that bad? Negative DH about 2nd baby

[toddlerterrorism]

Toddler is going through a particularly intense phase which has unfortunately coincided with the last few weeks of my pregnancy, and I'm not naive to the fact that two kids will obviously be harder than one.

But DH seems to not even be excited anymore, he's full of dread and everytime toddler kicks off he just looks in despair and keeps saying why have we done this, it's going to be hell. It's getting me down because it was just feels like we're dreading our new arrival when we should be excited.

AIBU? It can't be that bloody soul destroying or no one would do it. We both have and love having siblings I want to feel excited not like everything is about to fall to absolute shit and we're going to be miserable. It also feels unfair on the new baby!

At least he’s prepared for the reality of it! It gets better but the first year with DC2 was so so difficult. He’s about to turn 2, the eldest is 5 and finally we’ve reached an actually harmonious stage of family life but god has it been a slog to get here!

2.9 year age gap here. DD1 has always needed a huge amount of mental stimulation to keep her from driving us nuts. First year of DD2 arriving was awful and DH and I frequently did the ‘wtf have we done’ wails; it didn’t mean that we didn’t adore them both.

They’re 16mo and just turned 4yo now and it’s unrecognisably easier. DD1 starting preschool at 3 was a Godsend in terms of calming her down. Might be worth looking into nursery for your eldest to take the pressure off?

There is a 2.5 year difference between our DCs. The first couple of years after arrival of DC2 were full on, definitely. But once DC2 was old enough to play with DC1, things started getting easier. Since they got to primary school age, I would say it is easier having two than having an only - they play together a LOT, all sorts of imaginative games that I wouldn't have the patience for. So I would suggest that you think of it as short-term pain for long-term gain!

I was prepared for it to be very difficult when number 2 came along. DD1 was a difficult baby and I was expecting the same again. It wasn't the same at all! DS2 was a textbook baby (so not always easy, but if someone said 'try this' it usually worked!)

The first few months after he was born were genuinely amazing, some of the best of my life. It did dd1 good to learn that sometimes she had to wait, it has been good for her long term I think.

In the early days it's nice because when people want to help- they can! DH can take the lead with the older one for a bit.

It was good for everyone in our house. I get why he is nervous, but it will be ok!

I mean… I want to tell you it’ll be ok but honestly it won’t. It’s almost certainly gonna be a massive sh*t show for the first 1/1.5 years and you will wonder what the hell made you think this was a good idea.

You will probably hit rock bottom, consider divorce/separation multiple times, end up on some sort of anti depressant and feel like the most spectacular failure in the history of failures ever. But it does start to get a tiny bit better when the youngest hits around 1/1.5yo

I have a 2.5yo and a 19mo (14m between them) hubby and I were nice, happy, hard working and well educated people before this. We just figured ‘it can’t be that bad because loads of other people do it’
now we are just laughing our arsed off at SIL who has an almost 2yo and is due another shortly … because she has NO IDEA what’s coming for her and keeps making stupid statements like ‘it’ll be easier when I’m not pregnant anymore’

Your toddler is probably reacting to Christmas and New Year change in routine and their uncertainty about his new "baby" everyone is talking about

This is great to read. I sure hope I will feel the same way when mine are both school aged lol.

I found 3 and 1 really really hard. If it's any consolation, 4 and 2 has been a liiiiiittle better.

OP, I think it's natural for your DH to feel this way although he maybe could express it more sensitively. It is going to be tough (one phrase I heard was that one is one, but two is twenty) but you'll find your way.

Mine are 2y 3m apart, I've found it very tough but at the same time I wanted more than one DC and I'm happy (sooooo happy) to have the baby stage done.

There's pluses and minuses with any age gap, whenever you decide to have a baby you're rolling the dice to a certain extent!

It is hard work when they are really young but as they grow older, the children will become easier.

We have a 2 year old and also about to have another baby.

I’m sure it will be hard (DC1 still wakes every 2 hours!) but children are a magical gift that it will all be worth it 😊

I have a 22 month gap. Some days were hard. Some nights were unbearable. Some days were great. Some days they had an afternoon nap at the same time (that was known as living the dream). what i found made my life with a toddler and a newborn easier was our routine.

1. breakfast.
2. attend a morning class for toddlers. (Music. Dance. Gymtots. Playgroup. Nct Coffee morning.)
3. home for lunch.
4. im the house for quiet play. Getting house things done. Sometimes.
5. afternoon nap.
6. getting dinner ready / eating.
7. husband arrives home to take over bathing and bedtimes.

we didnt always stick to it rigidly and sometimes we had full days at the zoo as i had annual passes. But i found getting up and out in a morning to an activity usually made the rest of my day easier.

I thought about this thread through dinner and I’d like to add some perspective on why 2 has been so much harder than 1 for us:

• Outside Help - friends and family were reasonably happy to watch our son and we enjoyed a bit of free time, not loads but an odd meal out or errand to run without baby in tow. We assumed this would be the same with two. WRONG no one and I mean NO ONE will watch these two together so Any task that requires both of us means having kids in tow (buying new car/house viewings/DIY…etc) it’s stressful and we fall out.
• Always being 1:1 with them. Any event, holiday or party we go to, I mean literally anywhere we go our two head in different directions and so do we. With one you trade off watching them so you both get down time to chat to people, eat your meal…etc it just doesn’t happen with two you’re always both on the go.
• It feels like we can’t go 30 minutes without changing a nappy or pulling out the potty, seriously
• in order for you to sleep they have to both be asleep. I just didn’t expect this to be as awful as it is. When one has a random awful night and won’t go to sleep till 2am that used to be fine because I’d crash when they finally crashed but now the other is still up at 5:30. In the early days with a newborn we would frequently go nights without any sleep at all as the baby crying would wake the eldest and by the time we got him back down baby started crying again.
• They have you over a barrel in terms of waking up/upsetting the other one. Right now we are in a sleep battle with our 19mo but she will literally bang her feet against the wall to her brothers room and wake him up if we don’t get her up when she wants.
• They know when you’re busy with the other child and use that opportunity to totally f*ck everything up. Changing the babies dirty nappy? Toddlers pulled down a full pack of eggs all over the kitchen floor … yay. whilst hubby works I’m outnumbered and they know it.
• When you realise how hard it is your only real option to survive is nursery/childminder but it costs ALL OF THE MONEY with two. We pay £1000pm for our two to go to nursery 3 mornings per week each 🤦‍♀️

I do hope that it will continue to improve. I adore my kids but honestly didn’t have a clue how big of a difference 1-2 actually is.
Going from 1-2 is WAYYYYY harder than going from 0-1 was.

Mine are 10 and 12 now. They are difficult in different ways 😂

I have a 3 and a 1 year old and love every minute of it. Best possible age gap in my opinion, they play so nicely together and every single interaction they have melts my heart. Wouldn’t change a thing, me and my husband both.

Whilst going through the teen years with 4 DC I long for the easier times when they were little. Sure physically more humdrum day to day work but they went to bed at 7pm and I got an evening of peace!! Hugs and kisses solved most issues.

Different stages and pros/cons.

They are wonderful aged 24 upwards!

Haha true but I have a 10yr old and a 15month old, I still find the 10 year old easier in many ways like sleep, free time etc.

‘Couldn’t have an only’. From the perspective of anyone who has endured a long struggle to conceive that is an absurd (and incredibly entitled) thing to say.

Tell your DH it's a bit late now to be complaining!
I've 3 DCs, first two a 14 month ago gap, it was hard at times but now it's the best thing ever, they are now the best of friends and play together for ages.

My second was a doddle compared with the first, honestly. He inadvertently restored some of my lost parental self-esteem, because he made me look so competent.

I agree entirely with @FloraSpoke

@IveHadEnoughNowFfs

I went into motherhood knowing I couldn’t have an only so here we are.

Well, aren’t you lucky you had the choice? “Couldn’t have an only” indeed. There are a myriad of different ways in which this is a stupid statement, not least because you do realise there’s a solid amount of luck and good fortune involved in fertility and life, right?

I have two girls - 18 months between them and honestly it was the best thing I've ever done. They play so beautifully together - they are best friends. It was not that difficult at first as the newborn baby is really easy and it's the toddler that's harder work. Don't stress this. It's happening and you will make the best of it. Nothing will be perfect so you need to let things go a bit.

I found having 2 easier and more fun than one. Sure there are like logistical things that were tricky but waaaayyyy more up sides, but I work best when busy so that's a personality thing I think. I've got three now and that's a game changer 😅

Well this is fucking depressing.

I'm going to go and research how to re-ingest my 36 week old foetus and stick with its 2.3 year old brother. Merry fucking 2023.

@FloraSpoke this isn't a thread to bemoan infertility though is it? It's one where parents are moaning about how hard it is with 2. I'm one who "couldn't have an only" and I'm sorry if you find that awfully insensitive but - as an only child myself dealing with a widowed elderly father - I wouldn't put my son through that without a sibling for support.

Depends how old your toddler is. All my friends who have 2 under 2 really really struggled for first 6 months to a year having 2 in nappies, 2 lots of naps to deal with, potty training, needing a double pushchair etc.

Everyone who waited and had a 4/5 year age gap have found it really easy as older one is at school all week.