To think it can't be that bad? Negative DH about 2nd baby

[toddlerterrorism]

Toddler is going through a particularly intense phase which has unfortunately coincided with the last few weeks of my pregnancy, and I'm not naive to the fact that two kids will obviously be harder than one.

But DH seems to not even be excited anymore, he's full of dread and everytime toddler kicks off he just looks in despair and keeps saying why have we done this, it's going to be hell. It's getting me down because it was just feels like we're dreading our new arrival when we should be excited.

AIBU? It can't be that bloody soul destroying or no one would do it. We both have and love having siblings I want to feel excited not like everything is about to fall to absolute shit and we're going to be miserable. It also feels unfair on the new baby!

I feel sympathy with your OH, I was massively ambivalent about number 2 until they had actually arrived and I was growing them! But YANBU to ask for a bit more emotional support if that’s what you need.

I'm surprised by the number of negative responses you're getting! I found a two year gap great and they were good friends more quickly than I thought possible. Look at eatsybitsyaden on Instagram to get a cheerier perspective on two close together (and some great tips about keeping them amused and eating well). Do acknowledge your husband's anxieties but also recognise that they're not based on fact at the moment. You really don't know what your particular two children will be like in combination. Whatever they're like they are yours and so easier for you to love and cope with than anyone else's! I wonder if he's imagining two toddlers, unconsciously, and forgetting how passive and portable newborns can be early days? Once the baby's a real little person and not imaginary any more I suspect things will get better--good luck!

You'll have good days and bad, just like you did with your first.

There are 9 years between my 2 and ds2 has been the devil himself for 18m, literally cried almost his entire life!! He's been HARD WORK and that's been nothing to do with him being a second. Honestly, I'd have taken a happier baby and had 2 under 2 over the screaming that DS has done. I love him dearly and I bloody well hope we're coming out the other side but it's been tough.

Take it each day at a time. Your toddler will develop at a rate of knots now and babies change all the time. You'll just crack on and before you know it you'll have a little routine going that works for you.

And for the record (and for encouragement!) my second child is the best possible thing in my life. I could not be more thrilled with life meaning he happened (my husband nagged me into it!). For me going from zero to one child was very hard so I wasn’t excited, I was deeply worried. He was and is a total delight. I really hope that’s true for you too OP.

@IveHadEnoughNowFfs only child here too. My first had eczema, reflux, tongue tie, allergies and didn't sleep more than 2 hrs until 21 months so I knew it could happen again and I was willing to take the risk. I was also worried that if I left it longer I was going to change my mind, decided to go for it.

My second was so much better, not a great sleeper by regular standards but compared to first was a dream.

@toddlerterrorism mine are exactly 2.5 years between them and honestly it was fine. This is coming from someone that I thought my life was over after first was born as he was such a high needs baby due to no fault of his.

He loved having a sibling and was a bit disappointed to find out that sibling wasn't going to be ready to play with him for another couple of months. He 'read' letters and books to the baby and to be honest it was hectic but it was fine and you will be fine. Don't forget to get him a present from the baby and one of the tips I got when eldest was meeting new sibling is to make sure I wasn't holding baby so eldest could come into my arms. Let him help get nappies mad wipes to change baby, pick out baby's outfit etc.
They are now nearly 10 and 7.5 and great friends and guess what??? We had a third who is now 19 months 😂 and they are smitten with her! Congratulations it will be fine.

I had a suprise pregnancy when my first dd was only 7 months old. Dd2 was born the beginning of the first lockdown... It was hard but we managed. You'll be fine with a toddler (not sure if you said how old your dc is) and a baby.

It's hard but I found dd2 just slotted into our family and I wouldn't be without her and I'd do the same again if I had the space. They are best friends now.

Again been thinking about this post, so I’m back, hope you don’t mind.
I’ve been super doom and gloom and brutal honesty in my other posts but I do just want to add that actually I firmly believe that ‘getting the baby/toddler stage done quickly’ is the best way to do it, even if it is HARD for the first couple of years.

I have friends who have done it with bigger gaps, waited till the first went to school…etc and they just seem to ALWAYS have a baby. Endless nappies, sleepless nights, car seats, prams…I mean 15+ years of it because as soon as one graduates to school they have another and that looks like torture. Having two within a couple of years is compacting it. Yes you’re gonna have a hideous couple of years but then the baby stage is over and you’ll never have to see another nappy again 👍🏻

Essentially I don’t think there is a ‘good’ way to have more than one child which will avoid massive stress and misery at some point.

Massive stress yes, but I don’t think everyone with two children is miserable, @Thehonestbadger .

I don't think it's bad to be realistic about this. I had a really difficult second who just would not sleep and my first went totally off the rails when I had him and for a couple of months before. It was horrendous. It might be like that for you too.

HOWEVER once he started sleeping things got a lot better. Once my eldest started school things got a lot better. Once we made some necessary changes to make our lives easier things got a lot better. So much so we've now had a third, with a smaller age gap. It has been totally fine. It might be like that for you too.

@mydogisthebest yes but people complain about having one and I've found it to be awesome. Tiring sometimes but not a hard slog of mundanity and exhaustion like many would describe parenthood. I'm not prepared for two to be awful!

@FloraSpoke I just don't see why you feel the need to police the language of other posters. The thread isn't about secondary infertility - there's a whole board for those struggling to conceive. Why come on here and complain about language?

@ChocoFudge thank you ❤️

@redskydelight good point. DC1 is very good and I'm hoping the new one won't change how lovely life is