To think it can't be that bad? Negative DH about 2nd baby

[toddlerterrorism]

Toddler is going through a particularly intense phase which has unfortunately coincided with the last few weeks of my pregnancy, and I'm not naive to the fact that two kids will obviously be harder than one.

But DH seems to not even be excited anymore, he's full of dread and everytime toddler kicks off he just looks in despair and keeps saying why have we done this, it's going to be hell. It's getting me down because it was just feels like we're dreading our new arrival when we should be excited.

AIBU? It can't be that bloody soul destroying or no one would do it. We both have and love having siblings I want to feel excited not like everything is about to fall to absolute shit and we're going to be miserable. It also feels unfair on the new baby!

Not so much depressing as realistic. If more women knew what having children was truly like they would think long and hard before having any

I love having 2 2yrs apart. Yes it is challenging and yes they argue but they also play together allll the time. My 2yo runs around after my 4yo copying him and the 4yo loves his teacher role. We found giving my (then) 2yo a 'baby' and him doing everything for his baby (including pumping at one point 😆) kept him nice and busy for much of the months before his baby brother started really responding to him and starting to play.

I think you sum it up yourself quite nicely when you state “it can’t be that hard or why do so many people do it” We went for a second when the first finally started sleeping through the night around 14 months (thinking the worst of it was finally behind us….hah) but before the toddler tantrums started in full force. By the time you realise how hard it is, you’re either already pregnant or the child is already here - it’s simply too late!! I know now why so many people stop at two. Or leave enough of a gap that they realise they don’t actually want a second at all. It will be shit for a few years undoubtedly. But if you want siblings you have no option but to go through it.

No, it’s not a thread to bemoan infertility. But my comment still stands. You didn’t want to have an only child because of your experience as an only child. That I understand entirely. But the fact is that you could have had an only child, if you had not been in the fortunate position of being able to conceive and carry two children to term- if, as a PP has pointed out, life’s myriad twists and turns had got in the way of that. The statement that ‘you couldn’t have an only’ implies that the number of children you end up
having is entirely a matter of your choice, within your control, which of course it is not.

im very sorry for anyone who’s struggled to conceive or suffered secondary infertility, it can’t be pleasant. However there are people (the majority) who can have children without much issue and do have to think about family planning and how many they want and what fits for them?

Are you honestly suggesting that no couple should ever talk about / plan / want/ another because some other couples suffer from infertility?

Seriously, there are much more obvious things to be offended by than someone planning a family.

I stand 100% by what I said, I decided to start a family knowing that I didn’t want an only child. What’s wrong with that, exactly?

What is your point exactly other than desperately trying to be offended by family planning? I had no history of fertility issues, regular periods and ovulation, my husbands sperm count was optimal… I had no reason to not believe I would have any issue. I’m really baffled why you think every woman should assume they can’t have children and tiptoe around wording about having children. Bizarre.

I felt like your OH OP, I cried the night before my DC2 was delivered (it was a planned section) wondering how on earth I’d cope. It was tough but I love it now. My DC2 was a dream baby and I’m so glad I’ve had that experience.

I understand your concern but I think your DH is allowed to feel however he feels about it.

Those were exactly my thoughts in having no.2. Hard work for future pay off.

The age gap between mine is 21 months & just before our DD arrived our DS started to take major tantrums & really hit that toddler stage & his sleep regressed pretty badly. It was daunting (& we still don't get nearly enough sleep...) but when she arrived she slotted in & DS didn't make much of her arrival which was good. There will be days you'll want to lock yourself in the bathroom & hide from the chaos but then there are amazing moments which make it all worth it.

So YANBU but I don't think your husband is either

I am not offended by family planning at all, of course it’s sensible to think about how many children you want and when you might have them. The point is though that many people (between 1 in 6 and 1 in 7 of the population, depending what you read) experience fertility issues, whether they might have expected those originally or not. I didn’t expect, when I came off the pill aged 33, that it would take more than 6 years for my first child to arrive as I too had had no prior reason to anticipate problems. However, I had asymptomatic endometriosis, there were some issues at DH’s end and we had miscarriages along the way. Everyone starts with the assumption that (within the usual biological age limits) they can have children, some who want to find out that they can’t, or can’t have as many children as they would like. It’s not the assumption that’s offensive but the language you use. Fine to say ‘I didn’t want an only’, but ‘I couldn’t have had an only’! Really? I don’t think you need to have experienced infertility yourself to realise that that’s an absurd thing to say, which some people will find offensive.

You’re tying yourself in knots here a bit trying to make a point that doesn’t need to be made. At the time, when I was having my children my thoughts were “I couldn’t have an only”. And because of that, we went on to have a second. Back then, as I said I had no need to presume I couldn’t have more, and as it turns out i was correct and had a second as planned. I was in my 20s. Now I’m mid 30s I suppose if I wanted more my thinking may be “I hope I can have another” because things have moved on. But neither statement are wrong or offensive, one is based on hindsight annd history and the way I thought at the time, and the other isnt, that’s all.

Im not sure it’s a good use of time to try and pin women down about historical language offences.

I understand the frustration and hurt women facing infertility must feel, I really do. But I draw the line at having the language I use to describe my personal experience torn apart because it doesn’t suit you.

I have a two year age gap between mine (1yo and 3yo now) and I love it. Having two in nappies / nappies and potty training, two sets of naps, having a newborn and a c section recovery while looking after a toddler etc was never much of an issue for me, and seeing how much they love one another makes all the hard moments worthwhile. Don't let this thread bring you down! You will be fine.

Don't worry. Second babies all need feeding at planned regular intervals, sleep a lot, and sit and gurgle happily when they are awake. And their birth will trigger an immediate maturity in your older child who will immediately become sensible and helpful, always do as they are told and never have tantrums.

Is that less depressing?

Seriously, you already have a 2.3 year old. Maybe they are a model child, or maybe you already know that parenting is not a walk in the park all the time, but the good bits (hopefully) outweigh the bad bits? Doesn't mean you pretend the bad bits don't happen.

My god people are negative 😂 yes it's hard but it's worth it! Your DH is being unreasonable by putting this onto your shoulders at such a late stage in pregnancy as well when you should be relaxing and excited about the new baby. I only ever hear "horror stories" about multiple children on MN.

I’ve got three - at 6, 4 and 3months and I’m in my early 40s (used up lots of my energy tokens earlier in life).

it can be exhausting and there are some very bad days, but honestly it’s lovely and I wouldn’t change it.

A key part is the parents functioning well as a team, trying to give each other breaks (even if it’s just ‘you get up with them at 5, and then you go back to bed at 7’ or whatever.

There are posters on here with tiny age gaps and with children with additional needs.

All children are hard work when they are under about three because that’s the nature of it, but it isn’t forever. I’m going into my second pregnancy with eyes wide open and I know how hard it is. But my eyes are on the long view and I know when they are six and four it won’t be quite as horrendous

I had two with a 2.5 year age gap, second a lockdown baby. It was hard but lovely. They’re 5.5 and 3 now and it’s gorgeous- I am SO glad we had two. They’re little best mates and play together loads. You’ll be fine!

A key part is the parents functioning well as a team, trying to give each other breaks (even if it’s just ‘you get up with them at 5, and then you go back to bed at 7’ or whatever.

This. This in spades every goddam day. Even with night breastfed feeds dh was an equal parent, i fed the baby and went immediately back to sleep. Dh winded and resettled the baby.

you need to be a team. With equal players.

35 weeks pregnant here with a 2.5 year old.

My sentiments exactly....

He might change when he gets newborn cuddles!
there’s no doubt it’s tough but tell him and yourself it gets better!
good luck with everything!

I loved having two little ones close together and one of them is very autistic! I wouldn't even describe myself as a naturally 'maternal' person but was thinking the other day, I miss that time now. Rose tinted glasses!

This. Brutal, but honest, and unfortunately most likely what OP and husband are in for.

Your DH has every right to be nervous about having another kid. I was, going into itm and to be brutally honest the first year of DC2 was fucking shit, but you'll get through it to the good bits.

It's tricky for a couple of years for sure, but it's worth it. I absolutely love having two, they adore each other and have so much fun playing together.

I really disliked having a small age gap (21 months) but it doesn't last forever

I had big age gaps between ds1,2 and 3 which was much easier.

Ds3 and 4 used to play lovely together but now at almost 12 and 10 they can't be in the same room without arguing 🙄