Should I drop a family history bombshell or just say nothing

[Blackberrypresse]

Ive been interested in family history and doing family trees etc for a while.

For Christmas I received a subscription to the British Newspaper Archives so I’ve spent hours happily searching family names.

DH family has an unusual name and the family had stayed all within a small area so it’s been easy to find newspaper articles.

I was very surprised then to find a newspaper article from 1911 about DH’s grandfather being called to court to pay for an illegitimate child he had fathered when he was about 18. It was as a female child (not named) although the mother was named. I’ve drawn a blank on the mother going forward and cannot find the child’s name.

He married quite a bit later in his late 20’s to DH’s grandmother and had his ‘real’ family.

I don’t know whether to say any of this to the wider family. DH’s aunt is still alive in her 80’s and I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t have known that she’d had a much older half sister.

DH is ambivalent about it all, he has no interest in family history and his grandfather died when he was young, he has no real recollection of him.

DH aunt is interested though and I’m torn as to whether to tell her or just let it pass. Her half sister would be probably long dead now but I do think there may be children of her and so a part of the family that we don’t know.

WWYD?

I think people have a right to know their heritage, secrets and lies and all that

I can understand your perspectives, for me if like to know if I have an extended family, but the decision is up to my genetics dad, to find me and know about me. Otherwise I could be there for years trying to track him down.

If she is interested, tell her. Whether she should be tracking that other person down, and getting in touch, are two different matters, particularly the last.

My family had a couple of surprise revelations a few decades ago. It explained a lot to me, someone who doesn’t have a lot to do with family but would have liked to. For those most affected it caused a lot of issues - some I think were good in that it caused reflection, but others were a problem.

*id

I'd broach it carefully and out the feelers out.

So have a conversation about people wanting to know they have family etc as part of discussing your interests in searching family history.

If the ain't says she'd absolutely want to know the next time you meet you could say to her you've found some information you will share if she wants.

"Please let me know if you want me to fill you in on anything I find out."

I wouldn't say anything.

It’s your DH family so it’s up to him what to do with the information

If she’s expressed interest then yes why not? The ancestry website is useful too and you can get a free trial I think, in order to access all kinds of records to help find those family members. I pay a subscription now but it’s not a lot.
beware, researching family history is addictive and you’ll go down a rabbit hole you can’t get out of 😂

I’d share. We’ve discovered a first family of a great aunt that left her family and went on to have another. No one knew. My mum found them doing family history research and it’s been lovely to meet them and kind of close the circle. There were no hard feelings as it happened such a long time ago.

Have you searched on ancestry for a birth with the mothers maiden name, in the right time period

Aunt may already know. My mil is always investigating people's family trees. Shes looked into mine. I'm sure she's found a few things she thinks I don't know about, but I know quite I bit she's unaware of! I wonder if she's having the same internal battle you are now. People often know more about their own family than u might realise

British newspaper archive is very widely used by the genealogy community. This is information which is out there and which was also published at the time, in a newspaper. The fact that it has been forgotten/hidden over the decades doesn't make it a "secret" in the way that it was something actively hidden away at the time.

Whether to tell is more of an ethical issue and there are no rights and wrongs. If the elderly grandmother is not interested in family history then there is no point in bringing up things which might upset her, or make her feel differently about her father. However, if an aunt is interested it might be worth talking to her about it and letting her know what you've discovered.

Every family has secrets and lies, this is by no means an unusual situation. I have researched my own family, husband's family and also take on clients to research their history. Don't think there's one family where there hasn't been a surprise or two along the way. DH did an Ancestry DNA last year, we discovered that his great grandfather isn't who he thought he was. My mother's grandfather died by suicide and she doesn't know. Both my mum and DH's dad are elderly and we have decided that, on balance, there is no point in telling them that their respective grandfathers have hidden secrets.

No I wouldn’t want to know. I have no interest in family pasts and feels things are best left alone. To be blunt it’s not even your family history it’s on your DHs side and not really for you to be delving into. If DH isn’t interested and doesn’t think it should be shared more widely then respect that. Otherwise have general conversations with the aunt around what she’d want to know etc hypothetically. Some people will view it as finding “new family” but others could find it quite upsetting.

No I wouldn’t share that info. A relative found out she was not her dad’s when she was in her late sixties. It made her very unsettled and question all that she knew. She will never know who her dad was and it affected her deeply. Sometimes secrets are best left as that.

Given the details of who is alive and could be affected, I would approach DH's aunt and say, "I've started doing the family history. If I found any unexpected relatives or skeletons, would you like to know or prefer not?"

I've been involved several times in helping elderly people put together parts of their family story involving illegitimacy or adoption. In each case it's been quietly weighing on them all their lives, and they've wanted to try to understand their origins and possibly locate family before they died. It's been life-changing for some of them, and brought them such joy.

There's also been great sadness, for example where the younger brother worked out who the older siblings were too late to meet them – and talking to their new-found nephews and nieces discovered the older siblings had spent their lives looking for their lost little brother.

Just be sensitive if you do find yourself approaching members of the half-sister's family. Be prepared to accept the answer No, and to leave them alone if your contact isn't welcome.

It's quite possible she already knows. She may be able to shed some light on what happened to the child, although I am aware that this sort of thing was heavily hushed up in those days.

Tough one. I found my grandmother had two half sisters she knew nothing about (she thought she was an only child). They all died within a few years of each other in the 90s. I have no idea whether I would have told her. She hero worshipped her absent father who turned out to be a rogue (that’s putting it politely).

I agree with this.

I think that sounds interesting, I’d want to know! Who’s to say the child actually was his? DNA didn’t exist at that time to prove anything so perhaps you could come at it from the angle of this is an unproven fact but an interesting one.

I would approach DH's aunt and say, "I've started doing the family history. If I found any unexpected relatives or skeletons, would you like to know or prefer not?"

This is considered best practice for genealogists doing client work. Have the discussion up front with the client. Most people do want to know - but those are people who have proactively approached a genealogist to ask them to look into the family. One case I did last year was a woman wanting to buy a family history for her grandmother for Christmas, one of the things which came up was a marriage, with the birth of the first baby a week later. Family were not aware it was a shotgun marriage situation. Client asked me to put all the facts into the report but not to comment, or emphasise the fact. Which was fine.

It's none of your business - not your side of the family. You have no right to bring this up with any of your DHs relatives, especially as he is not really interested

I wouldn't be remotely interested but the aunt might, you have had good advice on how to approach this generally with her. I wouldn't be interested as I am not in touch with half my entire family that I know I'm definitely related to, so the thought of adding more from 100 years ago wouldn't be something I'd want to do!

It’s not that uncommon, to be honest. Both DH and I have found similar in our own research (illegitimate children and bigamy). Family members all interested - nobody got upset at the revelations. My grandma (whose grandpa was the bigamist with a secret second family) just snorted and said that it explained a lot.
But at risk of upsetting your great aunt, I would test the waters before sharing the news.