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Original poster

Should I drop a family history bombshell or just say nothing

152 replies

Blackberrypresse · 31/12/2022 09:52

Ive been interested in family history and doing family trees etc for a while.

For Christmas I received a subscription to the British Newspaper Archives so I’ve spent hours happily searching family names.

DH family has an unusual name and the family had stayed all within a small area so it’s been easy to find newspaper articles.

I was very surprised then to find a newspaper article from 1911 about DH’s grandfather being called to court to pay for an illegitimate child he had fathered when he was about 18. It was as a female child (not named) although the mother was named. I’ve drawn a blank on the mother going forward and cannot find the child’s name.

He married quite a bit later in his late 20’s to DH’s grandmother and had his ‘real’ family.

I don’t know whether to say any of this to the wider family. DH’s aunt is still alive in her 80’s and I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t have known that she’d had a much older half sister.

DH is ambivalent about it all, he has no interest in family history and his grandfather died when he was young, he has no real recollection of him.

DH aunt is interested though and I’m torn as to whether to tell her or just let it pass. Her half sister would be probably long dead now but I do think there may be children of her and so a part of the family that we don’t know.

WWYD?

OP posts:
QueenOfThorns · 31/12/2022 12:21

‘Cissie’ is a tricky one! I have an ancestor who was nicknamed ‘Sissie’, but her given name was Sarah. Basically nothing in common apart from the first letter!

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 31/12/2022 12:27

Mirabai · 31/12/2022 12:14

Sorry what? This makes no sense at all and what does the number of sexual partners got to do with anything?

Show quote history

The number of sexual partners is relevant because
Woman One had sex with Man One
She then had sex with Man Two. Man Two got Man One’s sperm on him.
Man Two then had sex with Woman Two. Who became impregnated with the sperm from Man One, via Woman One and Man Two.

You might object to the value-laden implications of the word ‘promiscuous’ but the rapid turnover of multiple partners by Woman One and Man Two is how this happened.

Mirabai · 31/12/2022 12:33

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 31/12/2022 12:27

The number of sexual partners is relevant because
Woman One had sex with Man One
She then had sex with Man Two. Man Two got Man One’s sperm on him.
Man Two then had sex with Woman Two. Who became impregnated with the sperm from Man One, via Woman One and Man Two.

You might object to the value-laden implications of the word ‘promiscuous’ but the rapid turnover of multiple partners by Woman One and Man Two is how this happened.

Show quote history

Promiscuous or not makes no difference to the story. I find the whole story vanishingly unlikely and an implausible explanation as how woman 2 came to have a child who wasn’t her partner’s - a common enough occurrence.

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 31/12/2022 12:38

Mirabai · 31/12/2022 12:33

Promiscuous or not makes no difference to the story. I find the whole story vanishingly unlikely and an implausible explanation as how woman 2 came to have a child who wasn’t her partner’s - a common enough occurrence.

Show quote history

Agreed.
Sounds totally implausible to me unless Man 1 has super sperm and man 2 had sex with both women in a 2 minute window.

MzHz · 31/12/2022 12:39

Give the aunt a subscription of her own, then it’s up to her to find it…

Crackof · 31/12/2022 12:40

A woman got in touch with my dad a few years ago looking for his sister, my aunt. She found him because of his name. His sister had got married and changed hers. This woman was given up for adoption by my aunt as a baby 40 years ago.
How it was handled, and the feelings and the past all coming back, split the family completely and some people are no longer speaking to each other.
It can all go really bad when we tinker. It can be great too, but it's a risk.

CharityShopChic · 31/12/2022 12:42

But that's much more recent, @Crackof . The OP says the article she found was 1911, and that the child in question was born by then. That's 111 years ago and the people involved are long dead. Yes tread respectfully with older relations who may have known the people in question, but it's very different from a situation involving living people which happened much more recently.

Sturmundcalm · 31/12/2022 12:46

my gran was also sarah known as cissie

Crackof · 31/12/2022 12:52

CharityShopChic · 31/12/2022 12:42

But that's much more recent, @Crackof . The OP says the article she found was 1911, and that the child in question was born by then. That's 111 years ago and the people involved are long dead. Yes tread respectfully with older relations who may have known the people in question, but it's very different from a situation involving living people which happened much more recently.

You're right, and that does make a difference, but I do just think it's all very unpredictable & that OP should be very careful about stirring things up. As a principle.

bellac11 · 31/12/2022 12:52

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 31/12/2022 12:27

The number of sexual partners is relevant because
Woman One had sex with Man One
She then had sex with Man Two. Man Two got Man One’s sperm on him.
Man Two then had sex with Woman Two. Who became impregnated with the sperm from Man One, via Woman One and Man Two.

You might object to the value-laden implications of the word ‘promiscuous’ but the rapid turnover of multiple partners by Woman One and Man Two is how this happened.

Show quote history

I dont think this is possible surely?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/12/2022 12:57

It's none of your business. Chances are the older generations already know and have chosen not to mention it.

OR do you just want the drama of dropping a 'bombshell' into someone else's family? You choice of language suggests so. Maybe have a look at your motives.

Gwenhwyfar · 31/12/2022 13:06

"it’s not even your family history it’s on your DHs side and not really for you to be delving into."

She found it in the newspapers that anyone can access.

StillWeRise · 31/12/2022 13:06

re the name Cissie, my grandmother who would have been born around the 1900s was known as Cis (spelt that way) and her real name was Catherine. But then her husband's real name was Albert, but known as Bill. My other GM was also a Catherine but known as Grace (which was actually her middle name so some sense to that).

So I think in the past people were quite cavalier with first names.

JoyPeaceSleep · 31/12/2022 13:06

Do nothing. Say nothing.
My friend, his mother married his step father when he was 3 and he has four more siblings all younger than he is. I strongly suspect that one of them is his full sibling but I will never say that to him. I did say oh you and *'Anna' are very alike! and he said cheerfully 'everybody says that'. if it's ever occurred to them it's never said out loud.

DogInATent · 31/12/2022 13:21

Genealogy... until you've ticked off:

  • Illegitimacy;
  • Bigamy; and
  • Murder
you can't be sure you're doing it right.
Volterra · 31/12/2022 13:26

I wouldn’t say anything unless the Aunt asks what I have found and then do the whole would you want to know If I find any skeletons thing.

My cousin’s wife recently gave him a DNA kit for his birthday as she didn’t believe his DNA is just from the UK apparently. Turns out the story my Stepmum told me earlier this year after my Dad died, that one of his brothers is a half sibling is true. My cousin hasn’t worked it out and thinks it is all as it should be as looking like the American GI who is rumoured to be his Grandad has Irish origins so just looking at his ethnicity breakdown he hasn’t twigged and hasn’t clocked that my Dad’s DNA is showing as first to second cousin when it shouldn’t. I dropped a small hint and he hasn’t followed it so feel I have done what a I needed to avoid any “why didn’t you tell me’ in the future.

I also suspect my Grandfather on my Mum’s side had a different father to who he should have but am leaving that well alone as my Aunt is elderly and still alive and whereas I find it interesting I am well aware that it could be upsetting for her so wouldn’t poke that. My 2nd G Grandfather on the other side is someone different who he should be, my family didn’t seem to be great at monogamy but I think they were in good company at the time.

Roselilly36 · 31/12/2022 13:27

Unfortunately there are often a lot of secrets in families, there’s quite a few in mine, that no one would be grateful should they be mentioned. I would keep quiet tbh.

Genevieva · 31/12/2022 13:28

With a bit more digging you might be able to find the girl's name. I would try doing that first. Not from newspapers - from christening records. If it is the area you live in then you can probably identify the church and see the actual register of baptism. E.g. I know my name is still on the wall of the church that my family attended when I was a child and that somewhere in the vestry there is a book with more details in it - names of parents etc. She will probably have her mother's maiden name as that was the custom for the offspring of unmarried mothers.

MuhMuh · 31/12/2022 13:31

I did similar and discovered an older female of our family (who has passed) had another child who she had adopted.

Her daughter was thrilled to discover her half brother and his children, much later in life.

Genevieva · 31/12/2022 13:32

PS Cissie is almost certainly a nickname, but it could be for a lot of different names - Priscilla, Cecelia, Frances or even Christine.

ArnoldBee · 31/12/2022 13:37

Oh I'd love to search for your Cissie.
have Cissie in my family tree. Turns out its short for sister as her mother had the same name! To be fair there were 23 children so you do run out of names eventually!

LIZS · 31/12/2022 13:45

ArnoldBee · 31/12/2022 13:37

Oh I'd love to search for your Cissie.
have Cissie in my family tree. Turns out its short for sister as her mother had the same name! To be fair there were 23 children so you do run out of names eventually!

Yes think that is quite common, as is using mother/father forename for eldest child but them being known by a middle name.

Eyerollcentral · 31/12/2022 14:06

Ugh OP do some research in to your OWN family. Not keen to find the skeletons in that closet?? You come across as q bitter, am sure you don’t mean to be but you do. I think it’s really offensive you have take it upon yourself to go digging in your husband’s background. Look at your family first, see if you can find things to upset your own mother & grandmother. You have no idea what circumstances were in play here and actually everyone might know but you, they just don’t want to tell you. It’s too soon and too close to home to go digging in to this - how would you feel about your grandchildren digging in your past?

diddl · 31/12/2022 14:13

StillWeRise · 31/12/2022 13:06

re the name Cissie, my grandmother who would have been born around the 1900s was known as Cis (spelt that way) and her real name was Catherine. But then her husband's real name was Albert, but known as Bill. My other GM was also a Catherine but known as Grace (which was actually her middle name so some sense to that).

So I think in the past people were quite cavalier with first names.

So I think in the past people were quite cavalier with first names.

Yes!

My Greatgrandfather's first wife has her first name spelt incorrectly-making it a different name & is also on records as her 2nd name only.

CharityShopChic · 31/12/2022 14:16

I really don't get this attitude that her husband's family is "not her family". If they have kids - OP doesn't say if they do - this is most definitely her children's family.

We are also talking over 110 years ago. These people are no longer living. It's like looking at people who died in the first War or went down with the Titanic.