Page 4 | Should I drop a family history bombshell or just say nothing

Blackberrypresse · 2022-12-31T09:52:00+00:00

Ive been interested in family history and doing family trees etc for a while. For Christmas I received a subscription to the British Newspaper Archives so I’ve spent hours happily searching family names. DH family has an unusual name and the family had stayed all within a small area so it’s been easy to find newspaper articles. I was very surprised then to find a newspaper article from 1911 about DH’s grandfather being called to court to pay for an illegitimate child he had fathered when he was about 18. It was as a female child (not named) although the mother was named. I’ve drawn a blank on the mother going forward and cannot find the child’s name. He married quite a bit later in his late 20’s to DH’s grandmother and had his ‘real’ family. I don’t know whether to say any of this to the wider family. DH’s aunt is still alive in her 80’s and I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t have known that she’d had a much older half sister. DH is ambivalent about it all, he has no interest in family history and his grandfather died when he was young, he has no real recollection of him. DH aunt is interested though and I’m torn as to whether to tell her or just let it pass. Her half sister would be probably long dead now but I do think there may be children of her and so a part of the family that we don’t know. WWYD?

pharaohrocher · 31/12/2022 11:43

You just need to sound her out as to whether she would want to know if any big secrets arose.

The responses on this thread show that people can have very different views!

I've unearthed lots of stuff thanks to the BNA and ancestry - my mum and aunt love to talk about it, one sibling will take a passing interest but the other is completely disinterested.

If you'd like some help finding out more about the birth mother, feel free to PM me the details you have.

VioletLemon · 31/12/2022 11:43

Unless it's your family leave we'll alone.

Chooksnroses · 31/12/2022 11:47

My husband and I, both in our 70s, discussed this, and we both would want to know, but my 82 year old aunt was horrified to be given copies of newspaper articles about her grandmother, who had one of her babies in Durham Gaol, after being convicted of fraud and theft. My aunt burned the articles in case her husband or children found out.

katepilar · 31/12/2022 11:52

MCbadgelore · 31/12/2022 11:19

I don’t think this situation is particularly uncommon.

My grandmother (b1918) had an older, illegitimate half brother whom she vaguely recalled but everyone else in the family said she was mistaken and no such boy existed.
I recently found him in the birth/death records, so Nan was right all along.
Nan also had a younger ‘sister’ who was really her niece, the daughter of her unwed eldest sister who had just been subsumed into the existing family without comment (it was impossible dates-wise, as the two youngest girls had only 4 months between them).

Obvs families from different backgrounds dealt with pre-marriage babies differently, with religion, class and geography playing a role, but in the days before contraception extra half siblings (or even whole siblings born pre marriage and raised by other family members/unofficially adopted out) weren’t uncommon and I doubt an 80 year old lady would be surprised or upset by your findings.
She might even be like my Nan and have a vague recollection of an older boy, either as a real person she met or as a family story.

Most families have a gossip, and ‘secrets’ are often unspoken knowledge rather than true unknowns.

Personally, I’d ask her if she has any memories of anyone mentioning a boy named X who would’ve been Y years older than her and see what she says. Be gentle and proceed with caution.

There is all sorts of weird shit in my family tree, eg no one bothered to register my dad’s wartime birth and he had to register himself in the 60s, when he wanted a marriage licence 😆
& my husband has 4 older half brothers that are just sort of vaguely on the horizon of his knowledge. Saw them a few times when he was a kid in the 60s and not again until his dad’s funeral in the 90s. Families be weird.

Why would the OP ask her aunt about an older boy named X, when in her case its a girl and the name is unknown?

Whynowwhynow · 31/12/2022 11:52

I’m not sure.

DP found his dad who had walked out on his mum when he was 9 months old and his parents were married.

His dad has remarried and has two more sons and want nothing go to do with him. He has simply been ‘erased’ from his history. He hasn’t told his wife or sons about his ‘first family’.

HandScreen · 31/12/2022 11:56

Keep your nose out, I'd say

CharityShopChic · 31/12/2022 11:56

Cissie is almost certainly a shortening. Could be Priscilla, Cecily, Cecilia. Could also be a pet name for something completely different. Or maybe Priscilla was her middle name. If there are other details given in the newspaper article such as age or address you may be able to check back on the 1911/1921 census to see if you can identify possibilities before looking up a birth record.

I get that some people are not interested in family history but the "why are you even interested when it's not your family" - genealogists are interested in EVERYONE'S family history, related or not. Why do you think millions of people sit down to watch shows like Who do You Think You Are? It's about the puzzle, the journey, delving into the lives of ordinary people. Newspapers are absolutely brilliant for adding a bit of detail into a history which might otherwise just be birth, marriage, death, census.

PicturesOfDogs · 31/12/2022 11:59

Nimbostratus100 · 31/12/2022 11:28

I cam across a case recently, a promiscuous man had sex with first one promiscuous woman, then another, not-promiscuous woman, unknowingly transferring sperm from the first woman to the second, who went on to have a child by a father she had never had any contact with. When it came to light that the child was not the son of the man paying child support, it took some unravelling, and the whole mess was exposed. The man paying child support continued to pay it, having impregnated her, just not with his own sperm.

WHole incident was distressing and unsettling for everyone involved, and would have been best left uncovered. ALthough I suspect there are many such cases, and mostly not discovered

That insane! 😮
And would give Maury Povich a run for his money

pharaohrocher · 31/12/2022 12:02

CharityShopChic · 31/12/2022 11:56

Cissie is almost certainly a shortening. Could be Priscilla, Cecily, Cecilia. Could also be a pet name for something completely different. Or maybe Priscilla was her middle name. If there are other details given in the newspaper article such as age or address you may be able to check back on the 1911/1921 census to see if you can identify possibilities before looking up a birth record.

I get that some people are not interested in family history but the "why are you even interested when it's not your family" - genealogists are interested in EVERYONE'S family history, related or not. Why do you think millions of people sit down to watch shows like Who do You Think You Are? It's about the puzzle, the journey, delving into the lives of ordinary people. Newspapers are absolutely brilliant for adding a bit of detail into a history which might otherwise just be birth, marriage, death, census.

Exactly. And if the OP has children with her DH, it's their ancestors too.

I've researched DH's family a bit as well as my own - personally I think it's more strange not to have any interest!

MCbadgelore · 31/12/2022 12:03

katepilar · 31/12/2022 11:52

Why would the OP ask her aunt about an older boy named X, when in her case its a girl and the name is unknown?

Show quote history

Just a typo, my brain was clearly stuck in the story immediately preceding that paragraph.

alas, no edit function on MN.

TheFifthTellytubby · 31/12/2022 12:04

Also Cicely, Cecily or Frances, as well as Priscilla. Maybe even Christine/Christina? Worth doing another search under these names as it's definitely a diminutive form and almost certainly would not have been used for "official" purposes such as the civil register. If the mother was pursuing someone through the courts for payment then she would have needed evidence, which suggests that the child's birth is definitely registered somewhere. However, as someone mentioned above, there's still no guarantee that your DH's ancester was actually the father ... but then you could say that about so many of these cases. That's the trouble with ancestry research - you never really know whether what's officially recorded is what actually happened. There must be so many cases of children being brought up by someone who wasn't their biological parent (usually father, obvs) but never actually knowing the truth.🤔

CovertImage · 31/12/2022 12:04

I'll never ceased to be amazed at the number of people on this site who think it's fine to stick their oar into other people's business

blondiepigtails · 31/12/2022 12:05

As you can see, everybody has very wide ranging opinions. I love family history so I would want to know. I would suggest an hour or two with the aunt with the known family tree. See if she engages, get her to tell you about her family memories - aunts, uncles, cousins etc where they all lived and worked etc. Does she have any family photos (get her to identify any that aren’t labelled). If she’s really interested and wants you to do more research, you can then ask the question about any secrets etc. You may be able to judge how to proceed from there. I had a wonderful afternoon with my DHs elderly family a few years ago. It was a slow start but they absolutely loved it once we got going. I learnt so much.
Hope it all goes well for you all.

whynotwhatknot · 31/12/2022 12:09

no its not your family not your call

SirVixofVixHall · 31/12/2022 12:09

Nimbostratus100 · 31/12/2022 11:29

or its an anomaly, and there is no connection

Show quote history

It is impossible to be an “anomaly “ at the level of a first cousin, as the amount of shared DNA is quite substantial.

TangledWebofMincemeatDeception · 31/12/2022 12:11

I love history and my husband does a lot of research into his family tree.

I still wouldn’t tell elderly relatives things like that. Whether or not I would want to know is immaterial - I’m not in my 80s or 90s and living out the last days of my life hopefully happily and without the need for huge ‘bombshell’ revelations about myself or my parents.

hollyivysaurus · 31/12/2022 12:11

I do a lot of family history, personally I think I’d be thinking about how has she reacted to other mentions of illegitimacy / secrets in the past and how openly she talks about family secrets using that as my indication of whether it would scandalise her or not. The advice above about asking her if she’d want to know anything potentially upsetting is good. But if she wants to know, I would tell her.

I’ve had a similar dilemma as I found through a newspaper record that a close male relative was tried and convicted of homosexuality in the 50’s. His daughter is very interested in family history (though doesn’t research herself), and had mentioned that she remembered talk of a court case but didn’t know why it was about. I really agonised over it as I did know what the court case was about and she had asked, but I decided not to tell her, the man died years ago and I don’t think the truth would be a helpful thing for her or any of the siblings to know really. If it comes up again I might follow the above advice and ask if she would want to know even if it was potentially upsetting!

My Nan has done a DNA test that has led me to believe a different man than thought was her grandfather (her mum was illegitimate so it’s not a hugely earth shattering secret). If she asks me openly I’ll be honest, but she’s not too curious about the past (she just humours me) so I’ve not mentioned it, I don’t think she ever will ask. I’d rather not get into it as the man I think it was, was married and considerably older - I think she is genuinely happier not knowing.

Mirabai · 31/12/2022 12:14

Nimbostratus100 · 31/12/2022 11:28

I cam across a case recently, a promiscuous man had sex with first one promiscuous woman, then another, not-promiscuous woman, unknowingly transferring sperm from the first woman to the second, who went on to have a child by a father she had never had any contact with. When it came to light that the child was not the son of the man paying child support, it took some unravelling, and the whole mess was exposed. The man paying child support continued to pay it, having impregnated her, just not with his own sperm.

WHole incident was distressing and unsettling for everyone involved, and would have been best left uncovered. ALthough I suspect there are many such cases, and mostly not discovered

Sorry what? This makes no sense at all and what does the number of sexual partners got to do with anything?

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 31/12/2022 12:14

SirVixofVixHall · 31/12/2022 10:59

I agree.
I found out through family research and dna testing that my aunt was illegitimate, and my mother’s half sister rather than her full sister as we all thought. It made sense of some family relationships. I told my cousins, as it seemed wrong to keep it from them. My aunt is no longer alive so there wasn’t the dilemma of hurting her or giving her a shock. Had she been still living I am not sure how I would have proceeded actually.

Show quote history

You were researching your own relatives / ancestors.

It’s possible that the OP’s DH’s aunt might feel differently about her nephew’s wife using her Christmas toy to rummage into her family background.

I can imagine feeling pretty irritated if my nephew’s wife started telling me stuff about relatives that I had known and they didn’t. It’s potentially intrusive. If it was about living people it would be gossip.

CharityShopChic · 31/12/2022 12:14

SirVixofVixHall · 31/12/2022 12:09

It is impossible to be an “anomaly “ at the level of a first cousin, as the amount of shared DNA is quite substantial.

Show quote history

Agree with this. Anomalies and false matches are a thing, but usually with matches under 20 cM. Cousins (or even half cousins) have a much higher shared percentage of DNA.

But when family members don't want to know, want to ignore the whole thing or pretend it's not happening, the easiest thing to do is blame the testing - it's wrong, it's a scam, it's a false match.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 31/12/2022 12:15

Whenever I do family tree stuff I tell people I’m doing it, but make clear I don’t share info or “finds” unless they ask.

Even when I do it paid I very specifically ask people “if I find out your parents have another child/ren do you want to know?” “If your grandparents did…”

Never just announce big news about someone’s parent when they’ve not even asked you to get searching. Especially when there’s no option for the parent to explain the situation.

pharaohrocher · 31/12/2022 12:16

I wouldn't get too hung up immediately on the name Cissie as many people went by different first names. You don't need this for searching birth records anyway. Presumably the article gives her surname - search this as both mother's maiden name and the baby's surname.

Jux · 31/12/2022 12:20

My cousin delved into our history about 30 years ago and dropped a bombshell on us. I'm sure some older family members were a bit shocked but everyone else was just interested.

I think you should definitely tell your dh's aunt; she's interested, she knows family histories can turn these things up. It might even answer a few tiny questions she has always had, or jog some memories.

Zone2NorthLondon · 31/12/2022 12:21

No
it’s not your role to do the big reveal. It’s bad taste and you’re not left with the aftermath

Lyrability · 31/12/2022 12:21

Munchausen and Munchausen by Proxy - is it possible to have both?