Should I drop a family history bombshell or just say nothing

[Blackberrypresse]

Ive been interested in family history and doing family trees etc for a while.

For Christmas I received a subscription to the British Newspaper Archives so I’ve spent hours happily searching family names.

DH family has an unusual name and the family had stayed all within a small area so it’s been easy to find newspaper articles.

I was very surprised then to find a newspaper article from 1911 about DH’s grandfather being called to court to pay for an illegitimate child he had fathered when he was about 18. It was as a female child (not named) although the mother was named. I’ve drawn a blank on the mother going forward and cannot find the child’s name.

He married quite a bit later in his late 20’s to DH’s grandmother and had his ‘real’ family.

I don’t know whether to say any of this to the wider family. DH’s aunt is still alive in her 80’s and I’m fairly sure she wouldn’t have known that she’d had a much older half sister.

DH is ambivalent about it all, he has no interest in family history and his grandfather died when he was young, he has no real recollection of him.

DH aunt is interested though and I’m torn as to whether to tell her or just let it pass. Her half sister would be probably long dead now but I do think there may be children of her and so a part of the family that we don’t know.

WWYD?

You could say you've found something that's a little surprising and would she like to look at the newspaper every with your

no i wouldnt reveal it

I'd be careful.

Similar information came out in a family I am close to, and the children of the father who had another child were devastated. Your DH aunt is quite elderly and you are talking about her father.

I have found a "scandle" in a family history of inlaws of sorts - ive known for a while and not said a word & will not say anything as if these people were interested they'd ask ( they know I could do their family history)

I have others who have asked and Ive looked and not found anything scandalous

If she's in her 80s the older sister is probably in her 90s or she may be dead. I can't see the point, there's nothing positive for the aunt to find out something about her father and to discover she had an older half sister who is dead or doesn't want to know her or maybe has dementia. I'm a bit younger than the aunt, 70 in a few months, but I wouldn't thank you.

Try freebmd to identify the child. You may well find they were subsequently part of another family and surname changed if the mother married. Find My Past has census records up to 1921 which can sometimes be accessed for free for a limited period or via library. Some areas are better recorded on there than Ancestry.

‘I would approach DH's aunt and say, "I've started doing the family history. If I found any unexpected relatives or skeletons, would you like to know or prefer not?’

This is a fair reasonable approach.

What happened was fully documented at the time & well known. None of it affects or changes the integrity of the relationship that DA had with her parents. As it was reported in the local press, there is a good chance that it was discussed openly when she was far younger. As you have mentioned, the surname is relatively unusual & quite localised.

Finding out more about the illegitimate child’s journey is now more accessible as many more records are online, with the added boost of commercial genealogy DNA testing. Your DH may have some unknown paternal cousins in that area, & they may already be looking for the missing links to the GF. Who knows…?

DA was born in early 1940s amidst much social upheaval & as a young adult in the 1960s with further social change & loosening of social mores. I reckon she’s quite open to finding out more about her older sister & her family. Could be that DA would like to do an Ancestry DNA test?

Ask gently, find out if DA takes up the offer of more information & DNA test.
If she’s willing, go for it.

You have no right to disrupt her life

So what do you actually know?

Her dad fathered an unnamed child.

So she had an older half sister who is more than likely no longer alive?

You don't know the name so can't find out any more?

I don’t think this situation is particularly uncommon.

My grandmother (b1918) had an older, illegitimate half brother whom she vaguely recalled but everyone else in the family said she was mistaken and no such boy existed.
I recently found him in the birth/death records, so Nan was right all along.
Nan also had a younger ‘sister’ who was really her niece, the daughter of her unwed eldest sister who had just been subsumed into the existing family without comment (it was impossible dates-wise, as the two youngest girls had only 4 months between them).

Obvs families from different backgrounds dealt with pre-marriage babies differently, with religion, class and geography playing a role, but in the days before contraception extra half siblings (or even whole siblings born pre marriage and raised by other family members/unofficially adopted out) weren’t uncommon and I doubt an 80 year old lady would be surprised or upset by your findings.
She might even be like my Nan and have a vague recollection of an older boy, either as a real person she met or as a family story.

Most families have a gossip, and ‘secrets’ are often unspoken knowledge rather than true unknowns.

Personally, I’d ask her if she has any memories of anyone mentioning a boy named X who would’ve been Y years older than her and see what she says. Be gentle and proceed with caution.

There is all sorts of weird shit in my family tree, eg no one bothered to register my dad’s wartime birth and he had to register himself in the 60s, when he wanted a marriage licence 😆
& my husband has 4 older half brothers that are just sort of vaguely on the horizon of his knowledge. Saw them a few times when he was a kid in the 60s and not again until his dad’s funeral in the 90s. Families be weird.

Possibly 1939 register would show the mother but names of living are redacted.

As they are not your blood relatives I’d say don’t say anything. You might end up getting shot as the messenger. You might be making public what some of them already know. And your DH might be angry with you,too.

None of your business, not your family. Keep out of it. Everybody has relatives they are not in touch with, and how and when the contact was lost depends on many many things, but it is generally natural and mutual. We cant possibly keep in touch with all people we have any sort of connection with. Unknown does not mean secret, just old information, and not relevant, most of the time.

FreeBMD is very good, with the caveat that the coverage across all registration districts/counties may be a bit patchy. The work is done by dedicated volunteers & there is a commitment to quality transcribing, but the geographic coverage is not 100%.

A woman wrote last year about finding her biological father through DNA testing. The man had been faithful his whole life, but had sought help from a local doctor who offered pro bono help to those struggling to conceive.
The doctor also had a Harley Street practice offering help to the well-heeled and saw no ethical issues from inseminating rich women with excess sperm from his poor pro bono patients.
There's a lot of 'obvious' stuff about historical events that is rooted in the mores and expectations of the time. Unless someone wants to inflict hurt, I'd be inclined to let sleeping dogs lie.

Its not really a "Bombshell" is it, just an old piece of information that surprised you, and your DH appears not to have been aware of. I think you calling it a "Bombshell" says a lot about you seeking about drama and power. You want to stir up long settled mud, as a sort of fun hobby?

I am very much into family history. I did my DNA last year and found a first cousin. Not related to any of my parents siblings.

No one else has any interest in it and are very negative when I mention it. I had a v negative conversation with my brother and he seems to have convinced people it's an anomaly.

I can't even mention it now but I'm just enjoying the relationship with my cousin (she knows no one else on her fathers side) and hopefully one day we'll figure out the mystery.
(She even looks the spitting image of my sister as a child)

So just wanted to say that people do like to have their head in the sands or keep the past in the past so be very careful about saying anything. I'm gutted no one wants to know though!

I cam across a case recently, a promiscuous man had sex with first one promiscuous woman, then another, not-promiscuous woman, unknowingly transferring sperm from the first woman to the second, who went on to have a child by a father she had never had any contact with. When it came to light that the child was not the son of the man paying child support, it took some unravelling, and the whole mess was exposed. The man paying child support continued to pay it, having impregnated her, just not with his own sperm.

WHole incident was distressing and unsettling for everyone involved, and would have been best left uncovered. ALthough I suspect there are many such cases, and mostly not discovered

or its an anomaly, and there is no connection

It’s definitely his child as there’s another newspaper piece a few years on where the mother is again chasing him for payment.

I’ve tried all ways to find the birth record of this child but cannot find anything. The mothers name is Cissie, can’t find anything at all for this name and I’m not sure if it’s a shortened version of a name.

I think it’s kinder to just let sleeping dogs lay. I guess I could tell DH’s cousin, it would be up to her whether she felt it would be something for her mother (DH’s Aunt) would want to know.

Oddly, DH’s aunt has often said that her father, although a kind and lovely man who loved all his children, he only really had one favourite and that was his son, DH’s father. The girls he was fairly distant from. Maybe it was because of the first illegitimate girl he fathered🤷‍♀️

This is one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard!

Cecilia, Pricilla can be shortened to Cissie

but also a pet name for a sister

have you found a marriage for Cissie" last name in newspaper"?

Think I agree with this. It's not your family. Leave it with dh and research your own lot instead.

If she’s interested and you tend to discuss family history with her generally, then I would mention it. I discovered something a few years ago about my maternal side of the family that despite both my mum and dad knowing a lot about their family histories, I have no recollection of ever hearing discussed. I’m glad I know because now I can now place flowers on the persons grave.

But it being in court twice doesn’t mean the child was definitely his. The mother may have thought it was his, based on probability but it still may not have been.

Treating it as though it absolutely must be his, isn’t the ideal. Neither is reading his favouritism towards his son as a result of that.

I do think you haven chosen the right route, to leave well alone. You have very little facts. And even if you did, you it may not be well received.