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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for dependents or compassionate leave ?

94 replies

FishersGate · 30/12/2022 22:33

My MIL is dying given days on Wed. She has been unwell for 5/6 weeks. Last night DH came home from hospital as very unwell shivers temp etc. DS 6 threw up earlier in evening. All in one bed. DD is 10. Very little sleep. We also explained to both children re MIL dying.

Myself and DH have obviously had very little sleep over past few weeks.

I was due to work today however I just couldn't face it and felt needed to be with DC especially DS who wasn't well.

Spoke to manager who just left long silences on the phone. She knows mil has been extremely unwell and I haven't asked for any other time off.

She asked how I would like to take time off, I said I can holiday but wasn't sure whether dependents leave or compassionate leave would be appropriate. She replied she didn't know. She said also kept hammering home the point about letting them know when the inevitable happens. She asked when kids are back at school.

I work in emergency service non front line extremely busy but not core area and never take or ask for either. I work part time and 1 day at home. Working from home has also saved them time previously if DC have been ill etc not needing holiday etc

Was it unreasonable in the circumstances to be offered time off or told not to worry ?? I was a bit peed off and now really worried about needing time off going forward ?

How much time would I need to support DH. There is only him and SIL. My children were very close to their nan also. I have known mil 26 years.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 30/12/2022 22:36

Can you get signed off with stress? We get 12 hrs carers leave in a rolling 12 month period. Compassionate leave only in even of death of very immediate family.

For everything else it’s sick leave or unpaid leave.

Original poster
FishersGate · 30/12/2022 22:38

Pippa12 · 30/12/2022 22:36

Can you get signed off with stress? We get 12 hrs carers leave in a rolling 12 month period. Compassionate leave only in even of death of very immediate family.

For everything else it’s sick leave or unpaid leave.

I don't really want to go down that route. My other manager recently had 4 weeks compassionate leave for his grandsons death obviously very tragic.

I may need to check policy or union

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 30/12/2022 22:39

Pippa12 · 30/12/2022 22:36

Can you get signed off with stress? We get 12 hrs carers leave in a rolling 12 month period. Compassionate leave only in even of death of very immediate family.

For everything else it’s sick leave or unpaid leave.

I do know a lot of policy is management descretion. It's not NHS

OP posts:
DillDanding · 30/12/2022 22:41

Have you got annual leave you can take? I think this would be the route my HR would suggest.

Runningfire · 30/12/2022 22:42

Your child is sick too so you are able to have the time off for that.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 30/12/2022 22:44

Today should have been dependents leave as your DS was sick and your DH unable to care for him.

I've not known anyone to take compassionate leave when a relative was dying (as opposed to after death).

silverclock222 · 30/12/2022 22:44

Compassionate leave is discretionary and as you haven't been offered it they're obviously not going to. In this situation we wouldn't offer it either. Time off for dependents is one day unpaid in any one year in our company and immediate family only ie your child or your parent/grandparent/sister/brother. Holiday or sick leave I'm afraid.

Original poster
FishersGate · 30/12/2022 22:45

DillDanding · 30/12/2022 22:41

Have you got annual leave you can take? I think this would be the route my HR would suggest.

I have annual leave but surely circumstances would not be dependents? My DS was unwell she was expecting me to work from home i think. Despite me being exhausted and coping with children and supporting DH who is watching his DM pass

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 30/12/2022 22:47

JemimaTiggywinkles · 30/12/2022 22:44

Today should have been dependents leave as your DS was sick and your DH unable to care for him.

I've not known anyone to take compassionate leave when a relative was dying (as opposed to after death).

Do they get signed off ? Instead ?

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/12/2022 22:48

I’ve just lost my dm and been off for nearly a month. I can’t face going back quite yet. Work have been very understanding but HR advised that I should get signed off with stress as our handbook paid compassionate leave is only 1 week. I have actually been paid in full (discretionary) but I had to get the note to follow correct procedure.

StandUpForYourRights · 30/12/2022 22:49

If its NHS, annual leave is the only option really.

Flapjack637 · 30/12/2022 22:50

Do you know or can you access the leave policy?
You need to know how many days are available and in what circumstances.
If its offered and you haven’t used the maximum allocation already then I think dependants leave is entirely appropriate here.
So sorry you are having such a hard time 💐

Zingy123 · 30/12/2022 22:52

I have never known a MIL dying as being entitled to compassionate leave. You will need to use Annual leave.

SausageMonkey2 · 30/12/2022 22:52

Sick leave. Your GP will undoubtedly sign you off. I did when my Dad died and whilst I probably could have gone back earlier my kids were a mess.

Original poster
FishersGate · 30/12/2022 22:54

Zingy123 · 30/12/2022 22:52

I have never known a MIL dying as being entitled to compassionate leave. You will need to use Annual leave.

Luckily I have and other people have had paid compassionate leave and for the funeral

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 30/12/2022 22:54

StandUpForYourRights · 30/12/2022 22:49

If its NHS, annual leave is the only option really.

Not NHS

OP posts:
Sunshineandrainbow · 30/12/2022 22:54

FishersGate · 30/12/2022 22:47

Do they get signed off ? Instead ?

Show quote history

I knew someone nhs worker who's GP signed her off when her mum was dying.
I think you should be allowed carers leave for today to look after children.

Pippa12 · 30/12/2022 22:55

‘I have annual leave but surely circumstances would not be dependents? My DS was unwell she was expecting me to work from home i think. Despite me being exhausted and coping with children and supporting DH who is watching his DM pass’

Unfortunately this is what sick leave under the terms of stress is for. In the nicest possible way, you can’t have compassionate leave because you’re tired, regardless of the reason.

Self certify for a week, and see how you feel after that. Next to no employers will offer compassionate leave before a family member has passed.

it’s very likely your colleagues compassionate leave was ‘supported’ by a sick note.

Original poster
FishersGate · 30/12/2022 22:55

Flapjack637 · 30/12/2022 22:50

Do you know or can you access the leave policy?
You need to know how many days are available and in what circumstances.
If its offered and you haven’t used the maximum allocation already then I think dependants leave is entirely appropriate here.
So sorry you are having such a hard time 💐

Thank you. Yes I will access over weekend. It's ambiguous from memory and no limit on days

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 30/12/2022 22:57

Pippa12 · 30/12/2022 22:55

‘I have annual leave but surely circumstances would not be dependents? My DS was unwell she was expecting me to work from home i think. Despite me being exhausted and coping with children and supporting DH who is watching his DM pass’

Unfortunately this is what sick leave under the terms of stress is for. In the nicest possible way, you can’t have compassionate leave because you’re tired, regardless of the reason.

Self certify for a week, and see how you feel after that. Next to no employers will offer compassionate leave before a family member has passed.

it’s very likely your colleagues compassionate leave was ‘supported’ by a sick note.

In the nicest way it wasn't because I was tired solely. I have worked previously being tired. This had been an extremely stressful time for the whole family. After telling both my children their nan wasn't coming home then illness overnight . I didn't think I should just leave them with someone esle.

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 30/12/2022 23:01

SausageMonkey2 · 30/12/2022 22:52

Sick leave. Your GP will undoubtedly sign you off. I did when my Dad died and whilst I probably could have gone back earlier my kids were a mess.

So sorry for your loss. My children are naturally unsettled and upset so my primary concern is them. Whilst DH is going through this

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 30/12/2022 23:01

Completely agree, I would go off with stress and save yourself even more stress at an incredibly difficult time. Nothing like being a logger heads with your manager when your plate is already full. Take care

Palomabalom · 30/12/2022 23:08

I suspect any time off will be unpaid or holiday or get signed off sick. It’s awful I know but mother in law wouldn’t normally be considered a close enough family member to warrant paid compassionate leave. Also just be careful as you will likely need time off for funeral and arrangements etc awful as it is you want to make sure you keep enough time back for this. It’s tough going and I’m so sorry for your family x

Palomabalom · 30/12/2022 23:09

As per previous posters I would go for sick leave too in your situation given how you’ve had illness and so much to deal with.

Original poster
FishersGate · 31/12/2022 08:24

Thank you. I am loathe to take sickness as it counts towards sickness triggers. What a sad society it is when your mother in law of 26 years isn't counted as close family

OP posts: