To ask for dependents or compassionate leave ?

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My MIL is dying given days on Wed. She has been unwell for 5/6 weeks. Last night DH came home from hospital as very unwell shivers temp etc. DS 6 threw up earlier in evening. All in one bed. DD is 10. Very little sleep. We also explained to both children re MIL dying.

Myself and DH have obviously had very little sleep over past few weeks.

I was due to work today however I just couldn't face it and felt needed to be with DC especially DS who wasn't well.

Spoke to manager who just left long silences on the phone. She knows mil has been extremely unwell and I haven't asked for any other time off.

She asked how I would like to take time off, I said I can holiday but wasn't sure whether dependents leave or compassionate leave would be appropriate. She replied she didn't know. She said also kept hammering home the point about letting them know when the inevitable happens. She asked when kids are back at school.

I work in emergency service non front line extremely busy but not core area and never take or ask for either. I work part time and 1 day at home. Working from home has also saved them time previously if DC have been ill etc not needing holiday etc

Was it unreasonable in the circumstances to be offered time off or told not to worry ?? I was a bit peed off and now really worried about needing time off going forward ?

How much time would I need to support DH. There is only him and SIL. My children were very close to their nan also. I have known mil 26 years.

Thank you. I totally explained the situation to manager it was simple. We have a booking on and off system and unfortunately everyone is privy to what is compassionate dependent and sick leave. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️.

If I was your manager I would have given dependants for that day and then asked you what you want to do for the rest of the time. We are not allowed to suggest someone goes sick as that can back fire on us when going through the process, also, only you know if you feel fit for work. If you asked for annual leave it would be granted in these circumstances even if outside of the normal leave policy. Ultimately you are paid to work a set number of hours and yes there are times when you are unable to, but you need to make that decision on if you are sick. Public sector is a lot more generous with sick, dependants and compassionate than the private sector, but there is a limit on what can be offered.

I did, I had 2 weeks in total when my mum was dying, starting about a week before.

I had compassionate leave for two weeks when my mother was gravely ill, then I was signed off for 8 weeks after as it was traumatic and I was processing it all.

My DH had no additional leave except to come to the funeral.

I know it sounds cruel but that sort of compassionate leave is for next of kin usually. In my case I was caring for my mum 24/7 at home with my DF, so I kind of had to be there.

Your situation sounds tough. But looking at it through HR eyes it's dependency leave to care for the kids as your DH is currently incapacitated through stress/illness. If it seems to hard for you to work through this it will have to be what it is, sick leave for stress.

I did. I got 6 weeks...the last 2 weeks of dad's life and 4 weeks after. I also got a few phone calls to see how I was coping and if there was any help I needed from them. They also allowed me to take breaks whenever I felt I needed one once I was back at work.

I have the best boss.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time, I under how stressful it is.

My children lost two grandparents at a similar age to yours, the elder had a day off school for one of the losses and the youngest has no time off at all. You may find that they cope far better than you’re expecting them to. Mine certainly did.

In terms of leave, I got the day of the funeral off for my in law and a week for my parent. The day of the funeral was unpaid as I’d already taken the full
week.

Managers are not mind readers

They don't know if people have not been sleeping
They don't know if people, children, relatives or pets are ill

It was up to you to communicate
Your children were sick, you needed time off
You can have more time off work as holiday, sick or unpaid dependants leave

Thank you. It will be 5 years ago in March and I still miss her dreadfully.

Sending very unmumsnetty hugs to you and your family at what is a difficult time whenever it happens not to then throw the festive season into the mix too xx

Silences can also be because somebody is thinking, trying to mentally cover because other people have called in sick, knowing it's going to be incredibly busy or to give the caller space to speak when it's a difficult time, rather than talk over them or cut them short.

I worked for a care agency and, if I wasn’t physically working or on holiday I wouldn’t have been paid, or would have only had entitlement to SSP if signed off (which was about £85/week at the time). I was just grateful that work weren’t hassling me to go back to work at such a difficult time. My DF died 3 years earlier and I took 10 days off work then a few days around the funeral - and again it was unpaid. Sadly it’s common in the care industry as so many staff are paid based on the actual care calls they attend.

@LovedFedAndNoonesDead it's rubbish isn't it.
Sending you un mumsnetty hugs. 💐

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I think your issue may be partly not being very clear what why you needed the time off. It's clearly difficult to distinguish between the various issues - were you asking for the time off because you needed to care for your sick DS (dependents leave of some sort), because you were ill (mental illness/stress), because of your MIL (compassionate leave). I am an experienced manager and would be looking for someone to be a bit clearer about what they were asking for

Politely for the 10th time all background and circumstances are and were communicated during the phone call

I don't agree. DH is in the private sector large corporation and his boss has been outstanding he has had full leave paid till now and when he can work he has no questions asked

Just ask to see the leave policy.

Because it's his mother. Your employer doesn't care that your MIL is dying. Take annual leave; you don't get to keep your AL leave back for a nice family holiday on top of taking a bunch of time off now, unless your leave policy states you can. It's clear your manager isn't going to give you anything extra, so stop angling for it.

Honestly take the situation in hand I hope your never in the same situation or perhaps you have been and are a stalwart. I am not angling for lots of time off. I was asking regarding one day. Do you really think this year after losing his DM and Nan we are going to be having a ',nice' family holiday ?? Vile

I don't expect many things to be nice and easy for the next few months especially. My concern is for my DH and DC. Not time off to enjoy myself

My response is that public sector isn't always better. My DF died many years ago and I wasn't given the same attitude at time off.

When my dm passed in September I had the total of 5 weeks off, 2 days she was deteriorating and then died. Work were fine. Then had the GP sign me off for 2 weeks at a time. I went back and on day 4 I crumbled. I went home to ball my eyes out and then went back the next day.
I’m not sure some on here understand bereavement and have been really harsh.
My managers are now looking into the bereavement policy as it was only one day off 🙄
I hope you manage to get some time off to process it all 💐

Sorry for your loss. I appreciates its different for me as it's not my DM but obviously it's an impact on us as a family and the children have been unsettled coupled with illness its been a nightmare few weeks. I am hoping MIL finds peace soon it's been horrible to watch her decline