Is Mum or Sister unreasonable?

[Stuckinmiddle22]

This year we were all apart for Christmas but Zoomed on Christmas Day. My sister is pregnant and at her in laws, I’m with DH family and my mum and step dad are home alone (we alternate) but plan to see each other New Years Day.

Before sister went, there was talk of which room they’d end up sleeping in as her in laws are tight for space and so she took her own pregnancy pillow (it’s huge) so she’d be more comfortable if she got a bad room pick.

On our Christmas Day call, my Mum started enquiring with sister whether she’d gotten the ‘good’ room and if she’d had to ‘pull the pregnancy card’. BIL look horrified and they left the call not long after. DH and I awkwardly chatted for a little while.

My sister messaged my Mum and I to say that her in laws had heard this conversation and we needed to be more respectful as they were guests and didn’t want to seem ungrateful. It’s fine to discuss it privately but not on a call when they are staying with them.

My Mum has taken it very badly and can’t believe anyone would think she would ever be rude and is ‘crying’ and disappointed BIL and in laws think so little of her that they couldn’t tell it was a joke. And how was she to know they could hear the call.

My Mum is now refusing to speak to my sister and both have complained to me separately about the others reaction.

YANBU - sister was fine, Mum is overreacting
YABU - sister overreacted at the time

I think your Mum was out of order. I'd have been really upset if a private conversation like that came out in front of my in-laws like that.

It’s just one of those situations where someone hasn’t engaged their brain before their mouth opens. Hopefully your sister can explain, apologise and forgive your poor mum.

@Lentil63 my sister is embarrassed but is mostly annoyed that it’s been made into a big deal where somehow my mum is the wronged party and the one potentially causing issues for NY day.

Your mum was in the wrong to bring it up while at in laws house but there is no reason to not be speaking. Your mum should apologise and let it go.

Your Mum

My Mum has taken it very badly and can’t believe anyone would think she would ever be rude and is ‘crying’ and disappointed BIL and in laws think so little of her that they couldn’t tell it was a joke. And how was she to know they could hear the call.

She was rude. A rude joke, is still rude. I have this quibble often with my DCs who trotted out the ‘only joking!’ defence until I squashed it.

My Mum is now refusing to speak to my sister and both have complained to me separately about the others reaction.

Your mum owes your sister an apology for being rude. Denying she was rude under the ‘only joking!’ doesn’t make what she said not rude.

It was badly judged by your mum, but it now sounds like a huge overreaction from both of them.

Your mum is probably mortified. Could your sister just tell her not to worry but to be more aware in future? New year, new start and all that…

Your mum is in the wrong for two reasons - firstly for potentially causing the problem on the zoom call, secondly for crying and being a massive drama llama. She should apologise to your sister for making it awkward for her.

Your mum is being unreasonable. Your sister sounds like she was a little annoyed your mum put her foot in it and your mum has escalated it into a huge deal. Your mum should have just apologised and let your sister know it hadn't occured to her in laws might hear

It’s the kind of thing my mum would do, deflect it and make others feel bad. Mum is wrong and should have just apologised

Your mum needs to put her big girl pants on & grow up. She needs to apologise to your sister & stop being a Llama Drama Queen.

Your sister was prepared to take a shite room hence the pillow your sister also left your mum on speaker after clearly some sort of moaning and bitching?! Your mum did not dream this UP ya sister is out of order! CLEARLY

Your mum was rude even if it was a joke.

Your sister was not unreasonable to say what she said later on but the reaction from your Mum afterwards is very childish

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Your Mum wasn’t rude and your sister is being ridiculous.

Your mum was a bit rude even if it was a joke but it shouldn't have been a big deal.
She is now being dramatic and silly and has made it worse.

We're the in-laws clearly part of the call? Or were they just listening in without your mum knowing?

If the latter, then your mum did nothing wrong at all, and no wonder she feels terrible.

Your DM is rude and needs to grow up. She was in the wrong, and to then cry and pull the 'I'm so upset' card is something she should have outgrown along with her teenage years. She should have apologised profusely to your sister and had the grace to be ashamed of her misjudged comments on a Zoom call.

This sounds like my mum; when she’s done something wrong she somehow makes herself into the victim rather than just owning it. Your mum was insensitive and should have just apologised

Presumably your mum knew your sister was making the call from her inlaws. So yes she should've been more tactful.

Your mum IBU

Your mum is ridiculous. But your sister is a bit of a drama llama too. However it is really irritating (in my family, its abusive, I don't know if there'sa history of this in your family, OP) for someone who has caused offence to pretend something was a joke, thereby putting it on everyone else that they are unreasonable for not understanding how hilariously funny whatever comment was.

I think your mum was rude. It's the sort of thing my MIL will say and then pretend it was obviously a joke, how dare anyone take it seriously.

It's not for your mum to decide how your sister's in-laws organise rooms in their house.

Your sister should have said at the beginning if the call say hello to xxxx and yyy(in laws). As far as your mother could be aware they were in the bedroom and no one could over hear

your sister shouldn’t say anything she doesn’t want repeating

i am on your mums side here. Why should what really is a private conversation with your family be done so it’s overheard?