Is Mum or Sister unreasonable?

[Stuckinmiddle22]

This year we were all apart for Christmas but Zoomed on Christmas Day. My sister is pregnant and at her in laws, I’m with DH family and my mum and step dad are home alone (we alternate) but plan to see each other New Years Day.

Before sister went, there was talk of which room they’d end up sleeping in as her in laws are tight for space and so she took her own pregnancy pillow (it’s huge) so she’d be more comfortable if she got a bad room pick.

On our Christmas Day call, my Mum started enquiring with sister whether she’d gotten the ‘good’ room and if she’d had to ‘pull the pregnancy card’. BIL look horrified and they left the call not long after. DH and I awkwardly chatted for a little while.

My sister messaged my Mum and I to say that her in laws had heard this conversation and we needed to be more respectful as they were guests and didn’t want to seem ungrateful. It’s fine to discuss it privately but not on a call when they are staying with them.

My Mum has taken it very badly and can’t believe anyone would think she would ever be rude and is ‘crying’ and disappointed BIL and in laws think so little of her that they couldn’t tell it was a joke. And how was she to know they could hear the call.

My Mum is now refusing to speak to my sister and both have complained to me separately about the others reaction.

YANBU - sister was fine, Mum is overreacting
YABU - sister overreacted at the time

You mum sounds
like my mum.

she said something really rude and unkind to my cousin on Christmas Day. U saw my cousin’s face and said ‘mum’ in a surprised voice. My mum is now very cross with me and claims her nasty comment was only a joke and I embarrassed her. She has twisted it into taking no responsibility for her nasty comment and is now the victim.

infuriating.

Very rude of your sister and BIL to not make it very clear there were other people in the room who could hear. If I phone/zoom someone I would expect the courtesy of them saying ‘you’re on speaker’ or ‘we’re in the kitchen with MIL and FIL’ so I know.

BIL was also on the Zoom call-you'd think that that was enough for Op's mum to not say anything!

This is incredibly daft. Of course you can have a private conversation but since OP's mum was speaking to two people it would have been obvious they weren't wearing headphones and she also knew they were staying in someone else's home and might have been overheard. If you want to have a very private conversation that's fine but say so.

How on earth would you be speaking to two separate people on a zoom call, be able to see that they weren't wearing headphones and not realise you were on speaker? Most people would be offended if you pointed out something so obvious as if you were a complete idiot! OP has said the in laws weren't in the room but overheard as it's a small house - something her mum knew so should have been more discrete!

Neither were rude. Your mum didn't intentionally offend or embarrass anyone. Your sister should have mentioned you were with the in-laws. Why did your sister call everyone in front of everyone but not introduce? Bit weird.

Your mum is overreacting but is probably mortified.

All round, it's an awkward situation but hardly the end of the world. She only asked about a bedroom, she didn't call anyone any names. Your sister surely could have explained that she's not sleeping well due to the pregnancy so had some worries about sleeping somewhere new but actually was perfectly comfortable? No big deal.

Your Mum was thoughtless and tactless.

And when your sister told her she should have said ‘OMG, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think! I would never wish to disrespect your ILs and please tell them I know how spoilt you are when you go there. So sorry if I made it awkward for you’.

She made it worse with her drama Queen histrionics.

Your mum needs to acknowledge that her joke backfired and embarrassed her dd and sil. Even if she didn't mean to she caused hurt and embarrassment, she did and needs to own it and apologise.

Mums reaction is a bit much but don’t think she really did anything wrong. Your sister seems embarrassed to be caught out and I imagine her DH has said something to her as sounds like he was the one upset by it.

Your mum sounds like a great many people in the world who think they are absolved from thinking before they speak. She’s not, no one is, and she’s in the wrong. She should have just taken your sister’s reproach and apologised.

What she said wasn’t that awful, but it was worth a text from your sister just to point out she needs to think. The making a fuss and turning all around so she’s the victim is the worst bit. Just to clarify.

Your mum put her foot in it and not surprisingly your sister was embarrassed

Your sister’s subsequent text was a bit sniffy and formal when a simple ‘omg well that was embarrassing when they all overheard thanks for dropping me in it mum!’ would have done.

Your mum should then have replied ‘shit I know me and my big mouth so sorry hope it’s not been too awkward’

And then everyone should have moved on.

Ultimately I think your mum is at fault as she could have just held her hands up and said sorry and then it would be up to your sister to drop it. Your mum crying and claiming victim status is a bit off really.

Neither of them and both of them. I think your mum is playing the victim, your sister is being precious and your in laws are thick if they don't realise there's a good room.

They all need to chill out

Your mum sounds more in the wrong to me. She did something that upset your sister (and BIL). Whether it was wrong or not I would have thought she could appreciate their perspective and how always it might have been.

Also your mum crying and refusing to talk to your sister scream of emotional immaturity.

This has been made into a bigger deal than it needed to be.

Mum - ”sorry I didn’t realise it would be offensive it was meant light heartedly. I didn’t mean to upset anyone. I apologise”

sister- “that’s ok. I just told you but didn’t think you would repeat it while they could hear. They’re a little miffed but I’m sure it’ll be forgotten soon”.

could have literally been that easy

People walk into rooms especially in their own homes.