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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Mum or Sister unreasonable?

90 replies

Stuckinmiddle22 · 30/12/2022 17:20

This year we were all apart for Christmas but Zoomed on Christmas Day. My sister is pregnant and at her in laws, I’m with DH family and my mum and step dad are home alone (we alternate) but plan to see each other New Years Day.

Before sister went, there was talk of which room they’d end up sleeping in as her in laws are tight for space and so she took her own pregnancy pillow (it’s huge) so she’d be more comfortable if she got a bad room pick.

On our Christmas Day call, my Mum started enquiring with sister whether she’d gotten the ‘good’ room and if she’d had to ‘pull the pregnancy card’. BIL look horrified and they left the call not long after. DH and I awkwardly chatted for a little while.

My sister messaged my Mum and I to say that her in laws had heard this conversation and we needed to be more respectful as they were guests and didn’t want to seem ungrateful. It’s fine to discuss it privately but not on a call when they are staying with them.

My Mum has taken it very badly and can’t believe anyone would think she would ever be rude and is ‘crying’ and disappointed BIL and in laws think so little of her that they couldn’t tell it was a joke. And how was she to know they could hear the call.

My Mum is now refusing to speak to my sister and both have complained to me separately about the others reaction.

YANBU - sister was fine, Mum is overreacting
YABU - sister overreacted at the time

OP posts:
binkie163 · 30/12/2022 18:17

Your sisters fault. She is embarrassed to be caught out bitching to her mum about ILs now trying to offload it onto your mum. Your mum had an expectation of privacy, she didnt say anything unkind or anything sister hadnt told her. Also IL's should not be eaves dropping. Headphones are easy to use or give the other person the heads up that they can be over heard before they say anything some may consider inappropriate.

Jellybean23 · 30/12/2022 18:20

Your mother must wonder how she can face your sister's in laws and husband again. She's turning the blame onto your sister to make herself feel better but unfortunately, everyone sees through it.

diddl · 30/12/2022 18:22

Which room did your sister get?

Really people should sort this out in advance & book somewhere or not go if what is on offer doesn't suit!

Forthelast · 30/12/2022 18:24

It was an annoying kind of joke to make while she knew they were still in the home as guests. I don't understand the drama afterwards.

MichelleScarn · 30/12/2022 18:28

saraclara · 30/12/2022 17:56

Ffs, she did not behave badly. She thought she was on a call with her daughter. She want to know that the in-laws were eavesdropping from another room.

Seriously, if anyone in my home is making a call that I'm not part of, I busy myself elsewhere to give them privacy. I don't listen in from another room, for goodness sake.

Show quote history

So the mums tears and refusal to speak to her daughter is ok behaviour?

SpongeBob2022 · 30/12/2022 18:28

I think the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. Your Mum was a bit silly saying it but your sister didn't really need to message. It was a mistake. No real harm done and your sister could have brushed it off as a joke.

I'm with your sister though...the most unreasonable thing about it is your Mum's hugely over-the-top reaction.

Fladdermus · 30/12/2022 18:31

Your mum put her foot in it. She made a thoughtless comment (ie didn't think that the inlaws could probably hear her) and should have apologised immediately. Then it's all have blown over. But instead she's gone all drama llama. Crying because she got pulled up on a trivial but rude comment? She needs to grow the fuck up.

Original poster
Stuckinmiddle22 · 30/12/2022 18:31

I might just send them both this thread ahead of our family meet up and let them battle it out themselves!

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 30/12/2022 18:34

Is this how your mum typically behaves, lack of filter and making herself the victim? Could this have been the straw that broke the camels back for your sister?

Selttan · 30/12/2022 18:40

I don't think your mum was wrong to say something, she didn't realise the in-laws would hear. But she's being ridiculous now and turning a small thing into something big.

Holly60 · 30/12/2022 18:48

saraclara · 30/12/2022 17:37

We're the in-laws clearly part of the call? Or were they just listening in without your mum knowing?

If the latter, then your mum did nothing wrong at all, and no wonder she feels terrible.

I presume they were sitting in a public area. Mum clearly referred to a private conversation in public. That is rude.

Holly60 · 30/12/2022 18:50

Tinkerbyebye · 30/12/2022 17:41

Your sister should have said at the beginning if the call say hello to xxxx and yyy(in laws). As far as your mother could be aware they were in the bedroom and no one could over hear

your sister shouldn’t say anything she doesn’t want repeating

i am on your mums side here. Why should what really is a private conversation with your family be done so it’s overheard?

As far as mum was aware they could have been in a public area.

If you don't know for sure, err on the side of caution, surely?

Holly60 · 30/12/2022 18:54

I think your mum is in the wrong here.

OliveWah · 30/12/2022 18:55

I'm with your Mum on this one, it was clearly a joke that your DSis had started, and she should have taken the Zoom call somewhere private. I hate it when I'm on a FaceTime/Zoom or even a normal phone call, when someone who I am not directly having a conversation with decides to listen in or interject. It was a private conversation, I think fault lies entirely with DSis for not ensuring the call was private and for starting a joke she didn't want shared.

Nymeria6 · 30/12/2022 18:57

They all need to get a life. There's bigger stuff going on in the world.

Gerwurtztraminer · 30/12/2022 19:02

Whatever your opinion, fgs don't let them suck you in to taking sides or trying to mediate. It will end with you in wrong whatever you say.

I learnt that lesson with my mother and siblings very early on. I was always trying to try and he;pt hem see each other#s point of view or smooth things over. Eventually they'd forget the squabble between themselves and ALL turn on me as the bad guy! Stay Switzerland and don't get involved.

clairelouwho · 30/12/2022 19:04

Put YANBU, but really, this is an overreaction from both of them.

It was a pretty thoughtless joke-but obviously a joke-and your sister took it too seriously. She could have just laughed it off with her ILs. Your mum is acting like a child refusing to speak to her for being called out on it.

Both of them are BU.

ALongHardWinter · 30/12/2022 19:14

Your mum was rude. You know the old saying,'Many a true statement is made in jest'. I hate it when people say nasty things but then try to pretend it was just a joke.

AnonyMum21 · 30/12/2022 19:20

Mum didn’t do anything that awful (just tactless, but how was she to know she could be overheard?) and sister reacted appropriately.

However, mums subsequent over-reaction is ridiculous… Hope if you show them this thread - currently approx 87% of nearly 400 votes - mum will see she should calm down and they can move on. An apology isn’t really needed for the Zoom call, but possibly is for her childish refusal to speak after?

Either way they are both wrong to try and involve you OP - good luck staying out of it

Hope you can all have a happy New Years get together…

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/12/2022 19:23

Your mum is in the wrong.

She made a bit of a faux pas, bringing up a private conversation on a zoom call as if they're not wearing headphones then clearly anyone can hear.

Your sister was a bit embarrassed. "My sister messaged my Mum and I to say that her in laws had heard this conversation and we needed to be more respectful as they were guests and didn’t want to seem ungrateful. It’s fine to discuss it privately but not on a call when they are staying with them."

What your sister said is fine, she just wanted to make clear why she was a bit annoyed. She has been respectful and logical and just wanted to ensure that didn't happen again. Far better to do this than for example avoiding your mums calls in case she did something similar. She was honest and straightforward.

Is your mum thats making it into a massive deal. Crying?? All she needed to say was 'sorry I wasn't thinking, it wont happen again'. Joke or not, if she wouldn't say it infront of your sisters PiL directly then it wasnt appropriate. She needs to own that instead of deflecting the blame onto someone else like a child

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2022 19:29

Your mum was horribly indiscreet and someone needs to tell her that she was out of order and she needs to apologise.

Starseeking · 30/12/2022 19:34

It's the kind of thing my Mum would do, and in this case it is the Mum who is completely in the wrong. She should apologise to your sister for not thinking and putting her in an awkward situation with her in-laws.

I'm betting your Mum is the type who never says sorry though, and with all the tears, tantrum and deflection, it's unlikely that she'll turn a new leaf on this occasion.

strawberry2017 · 30/12/2022 19:38

Your mum shouldn't have said what she did and she needs to stop reacting like a child.
Your sister approached the situation in an appropriate manner.

Shoecleaner · 30/12/2022 19:39

Your mum was a dick for both the comment and then the following drama.

billy1966 · 30/12/2022 19:53

Difficult one.

Your mother meant nothing by it but she was on speaker and that should have been warned as a courtesy by your sister.

I can understand your sister's embarrassment but also the innocence of your mothers remark.

Have a word with your mother and tell her that her dramatics will exacerbate this situation and she may well regret it.

There is a reason you hear people screech that they are on speaker phone as soon as they pick up😁

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