Is Mum or Sister unreasonable?

[Stuckinmiddle22]

This year we were all apart for Christmas but Zoomed on Christmas Day. My sister is pregnant and at her in laws, I’m with DH family and my mum and step dad are home alone (we alternate) but plan to see each other New Years Day.

Before sister went, there was talk of which room they’d end up sleeping in as her in laws are tight for space and so she took her own pregnancy pillow (it’s huge) so she’d be more comfortable if she got a bad room pick.

On our Christmas Day call, my Mum started enquiring with sister whether she’d gotten the ‘good’ room and if she’d had to ‘pull the pregnancy card’. BIL look horrified and they left the call not long after. DH and I awkwardly chatted for a little while.

My sister messaged my Mum and I to say that her in laws had heard this conversation and we needed to be more respectful as they were guests and didn’t want to seem ungrateful. It’s fine to discuss it privately but not on a call when they are staying with them.

My Mum has taken it very badly and can’t believe anyone would think she would ever be rude and is ‘crying’ and disappointed BIL and in laws think so little of her that they couldn’t tell it was a joke. And how was she to know they could hear the call.

My Mum is now refusing to speak to my sister and both have complained to me separately about the others reaction.

YANBU - sister was fine, Mum is overreacting
YABU - sister overreacted at the time

Your mum is embarrassed and is deflecting.

Your mum was rude.

Your mum said something a bit daft but not that bad but has made it worse with her dramatics afterwards. She should say sorry for both things and everyone should move on.

Your mother is in the wrong and knows it, and is behaving like a spoilt toddler because she has been called out. I suppose you can't tell her to grow up?

@Tinkerbyebye they weren’t in the room but like I said, it’s not a big house and they heard.

I ALWAYS say stuff to DH and my friends / family I wouldn’t want repeating to my in laws 😆it would never occur to me anyone would repeat it!

Your sister approached it reasonably, your mums react is way over the top.

They're all over-reacting. DFIL overheard a joke about his plumbing from my family and they only realised he was there when he roared with laughter. Profuse apologies and he explained only large quantities of wine or beer can fix the egregious insult. That's how a decent man behaves. Everyone has side chat, your mums comment wasn't even a personal remark, they should all cool down.

i am on your mums side here. Why should what really is a private conversation with your family be done so it’s overheard?

Yep. Unless OP comes back and said that the PILs were actively and work everyone's full knowledge, part of the call, I agree with you.

I hate that calls of any kind can no longer be assumed private. The use of speakers had ruined the chance of me ever being able to assume that I'm talking to just the person I intend to hear me. It's impossible to have any kind of private conversation these days.

I think it's incredibly rude to allow others to listen in to a call without the knowledge of the person/people on the other end of the call.

Sounds like your mum forgot others were in the room. So used to not being on speaker or video she just forgot.....but it was her fault

Your mum shouldn't have said it over FaceTime while she was still visiting but she's probably really embarrassed. She should say sorry and move on. It shouldn't have to be a massive deal.

They all overreacted and I can see why your DM is annoyed at being pulled up for not walking on eggshells.

Maybe this is a good thing and the in-laws will take the hint about not allocating people crappy rooms! I would much rather stay in a hotel than an uncomfortable room/bed at someone’s house.

they weren’t in the room but like I said, it’s not a big house and they heard

Then your mum did nothing wrong. Why would she think that they could hear her when she was on a call with her daughter?

They weren't even in the room! So how was she to know they were eavesdropping on her conversation with her daughter?

@saraclara fair enough.

if I am FaceTiming a friend or anything that is on speaker, I would assume / consider that their DH / housemate etc could possibly hear!

Your mum is behaving dreadfully. Is this a usual pattern, she behaves badly then cries and victim plays when challenged?

Ffs, she did not behave badly. She thought she was on a call with her daughter. She want to know that the in-laws were eavesdropping from another room.

Seriously, if anyone in my home is making a call that I'm not part of, I busy myself elsewhere to give them privacy. I don't listen in from another room, for goodness sake.

I wonder if I’m reading something different from others on here. Your sister was previously happily engaging in a conversation about having the bad bed, mum thought she was continuing the conversation (presumably privately) on zoom.

Your sister is embarrassed because it’s exposed her previous behaviour and she is now coming out on the defensive.

It’s a daft over reaction on everyone (including the in-laws) part.

I actually think this is on your sister.
Your sister introduced the idea of good room/bad room and needing the extra pillow. She was moaning/joking about her in laws' home not your mum.
The call was made from a separate room and your mum had no way of knowing the in laws could hear the conversation. She chatted about something you had all previously joked about.
Your sister was embarrassed that her in laws overheard that she had previously moaned about something - that's her problem.
Your sister didn't need to turn it into an even bigger drama. She didn't need to message to remind you all to be respectful (that's ridiculous!), she could have just messaged to say something like "in laws heard the conversation about room allocations, how embarrassing!"
Your mum is rightly mortified that she's being blamed for causing some offence.

I think this is a huge overreaction on both sides tbh. If they are both asking you about it I would advise them to accept they both made mistakes and to move on and apologise to each other.

This is is exactly the sort of thing my mum would do and then she'd turn it round so she's the wronged party

Your sis is right to be annoyed

I really want to know which room your sister got.

Isn't it all a storm in a teacup

Your dm was tactless but it isn't the end of the world

Your mum is most definitely in the wrong here, firstly for bringing it up knowing that they were on a laptop in the in-laws house (so every possibility that other people could hear what she was saying), and then for being over the top dramatic when called out on it. She needs to grow up a bit and apologise to your sister and BIL

Your mum was wrong and offensive. Your poor sister and BIL must have been mortified.

Your sister is right, your mum is being daft and has made it into more of an issue than it was.

I think your mum is embarrassed hence trying to act like the wronged party.