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AIBU?

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Original poster

Huge argument over golf. So pissed off.

359 replies

fuckinggolf · 30/12/2022 09:38

My husband used to go to golf every Sunday but considering the fact he works 5 days including Saturdays and we have a DC in school he now only goes every other Sunday. He has one day off in the week where he's home and I'm at work and DC is in school so he can always go more then, he doesn't always choose to because that's not when his friends go, they go on a Sunday.

He last went to golf on the first Sunday in December, he didn't go the next 3 weeks because things happened to fall on every Sunday, plans with his family, a trip that he'd booked and then Christmas. He mentioned last night that he's going to go with his friends today instead and I said sure, I then asked about next Sunday and said could he be around next weekend as I'm going to need a break (he booked his annual leave wrong so he goes back to work a week before our DC goes back to school (I'm 37 weeks pregnant and dreading the thought of trying to entertain a 4 year old for 5 days with no help between 8-6pm and will probably be exhausted that weekend)

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, that I find excuse after excuse for him to not go, it's the only thing he does for himself but fine let's both do absolutely nothing over than spend every fucking minute together because clearly he isn't allowed a single thing for himself, said that I've stopped him going to golf for 5 weeks now. I said that isn't true, it's not my fault that Christmas Day was on a Sunday and the two Sundays before yes we were doing things but both were things he arranged not me and it's convenient of him to forget that just to chuck it in my face. He wouldn't admit he was being unfair and just started ranting and raving about how he's never going to golf again, I win, controlling wife etc. I was really crying by the end of it and he didn't bother trying to resolve it or seeing if I was ok and he slept in the spare room without even coming into ours.

This morning I went downstairs and tried to just general talk to him and he was snappy and rude. I asked him what was wrong and he insisted nothing but could clearly tell. I told him I'd arranged to take DC to meet a friend for a play date but hadn't agreed a time so could time it in with his golf. He said he isn't going and when I asked why he said really sarcastically "because it's easier not to dear". I never once said a bad thing about him going today, I literallly just said ok when he told me, I only asked about next Sunday because I have 5 full days with no support in the run up and I'm going to be nearly 38 weeks pregnant at that point. I said this and he just kept repeating I'm not going. I said well text and arrange it and he just kept saying "no dear you get your way". It felt really unfair because he's going to refuse to go and then add this to his '5 weeks' where his mean controlling wife hasn't allowed him to go which is absolute bullshit and I know he's going to hold it against me. He knows we're about to have a newborn and had previously said he's fine with not going on Sundays for a couple of months unless my mums here as I need a caesarean and will be recovering but I bet that'll be thrown in my face now too.

I got upset again because he was just manipulating a genuine reason for needing help next weekend into me being this controlling bitch and completely lying about how I've been the reason he hasn't gone, yet again he didn't care that I got upset and hasn't tried to sort it out instead stormed off upstairs with his breakfast.

AIBU? I get that he's his hobby and I get that they only play on Sundays and I try and be fair with that but given Sundays are the only day we get as a family it does suck a little when he fucks off for 4.5 hours. I don't moan about it but did request it goes down to every other Sunday, but I don't find excuses every week for him to not go, I don't see being 38 weeks pregnant as an excuse?

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

OP posts:
MsRosley · 30/12/2022 12:34

Soothsayer1 · 30/12/2022 12:29

He is a man, the reason he wants his wife to produce children is because this raises his status in the eyes of the other men at the golf course whom he wants to impress. Being a married man with children also makes him look stable reliable dependable capable ETC in the eyes of prospective employers and anyone else who he wants and needs to impress so that he can invest in his future earning potential.
Because he is a man it is right that he puts all his effort into making himself look good and investing in himself.
You are the woman you don't matter, you are the one who has to do the boring stressful unpaid work, the fact that you are heavily pregnant makes it easier for you to be dominated and manipulated because you have less strength to fight back.
He does as he pleases you will do as you are told.
That is his mindset.

What I find most disturbing about all this is that OP's husband is only 30. How has someone so young managed to acquire this outlook on the world?

diddl · 30/12/2022 12:37

Unfortunately if Sunday is his golf day that will also be the only day that other friends/family are free to meet.

He probably would be better off having Monday as his golf day!

So on a Sunday-is it friends who golf or golfers who have become friends?

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2022 12:38

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 30/12/2022 09:54

I think eight hours a month on a hobby is perfectly reasonable to be honest.

From his view - he decided to go golfing today having not been for weeks - which you said was fine, but seconds later you were already asking him to cancel next Sunday - I can see why that's pissed him off to be honest.

It comes across a bit like you agreed for him to go today only so you could immediately ask him to cancel next Sunday.

Agree.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2022 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why do people come on threads like this and make nasty comments with no reasoning or explanation?

Just because you can?

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2022 12:40

sheepdogdelight · 30/12/2022 12:04

I agree the way he responded was not good, but sounds like it was partly at least born out of frustration.

I don't think half a day once a fortnight is excessive to spend on a hobby.

I think if OP is excessively exhausted when the next golf session comes round it would be fair to ask him to cancel/play half a round, but OP has not mentioned any particular reason why this should be the case. Many women are still working full time with a smaller child when 38 weeks pregnant.

I'm also wondering what will happen when OP gives birth - presumably she won't want DH going off and playing golf when she has a newborn and a 4 year old to content with? So I'd personally be encouraging him to go now while it's easier!

DH having Mondays off is irrelevant if none of his golf playing friends are free then. However he should be using them to help out in other ways.

I was bedridden at 38 weeks. Not everyone is the same!

Whoputtheramintheramalamadingdong · 30/12/2022 12:40

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2022 12:38

Agree.

Show quote history

I wonder if the OP started going and having a spa day with the same frequency the dh goes golfing and also going to the gym from 5-6pm every night he'd be ok with that? 🤔

Iamwhatiam52 · 30/12/2022 12:42

He's a selfish knob. Shouting at his very pregnant wife?! wtf?! I totally understand the need for 'time out' when you have very young kids so appreciate that he's disappointed to have missed a couple of sessions during December (through no fault of OP) but at the end of the day, once you become a parent, sacrifices have to be made here and there/occasionally; either for the kids or for your partner.

My DH used to play a sport but it was literally only when all other responsibilities were dealt with and for when he genuinely had the time...which was maybe once or twice a month until his sporting days were ended by injury! Likewise, he loves to watch the sport but when the kids were tiny, he rarely got the chance to watch any because of doing family stuff. We all have to make sacrifices at times! If it's that much of a struggle to do less of a hobby without a shouting match occurring, then you've got a DH problem in general.

FantasticButtocks · 30/12/2022 12:46

Do you know about the Karpman drama triangle? The roles in relationships that people can take on and move between during a badly functioning communication issue such as this?

Victim, rescuer, persecutor.

Worth reading up about.

Here's an article about how to step away from the drama

tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-step-out-of-the-drama-triangle-and-find-real-peace/

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 30/12/2022 12:50

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2022 12:34

Surely most parents leave work and want to get home to their kids? He goes to the driving range - every night!

Show quote history

Hmm, lots of parents go to the gym, or to play football, or to do various other activities after work. Granted not every night, but they do go. Or they get up early and go before work instead.

I know many on MN will disagree, but I don't think a couple of evenings a week plus a few hours every other Sunday is a huge deal, so I would focus on him dropping a few of the evenings rather than getting him to give up the Sunday mornings - especially as he's dropped half of those already.

WorldCuppa · 30/12/2022 12:53

@Nanny0gg
He is a man, the reason he wants his wife to produce children is because this raises his status in the eyes of the other men at the golf course whom he wants to impress.

why do people make up totally
imagined narratives and then have other people agree? Principally cos they’re bored

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2022 12:54

I wonder if the OP started going and having a spa day with the same frequency the dh goes golfing and also going to the gym from 5-6pm every night he'd be ok with that? 🤔

And we'd all agree that was fine and that he's a selfish knob if he wasn't on board with it. I think it sounds like OP doesn't like his hobby and doesn't hide it and that he's been swallowing resentment around that for a long time.

TheAngryFeminist · 30/12/2022 12:57

This reply has been deleted

We have concerns about this user so we have deleted their posts and threads.

TitaniasAss · 30/12/2022 12:58

RedPost · 30/12/2022 09:44

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

This is your issue. You see it as "fucking golf". He sees it as something important to him, an opportunity to practice his skills, have some fresh air and exercise, socialise, do something for himself. Surely everyone should be entitled to that once a fortnight? I'd be helping him prioritise it and finding something for yourself that gives you the same.

IME parent golfers (and runners/cyclists/natural history fans) arrange their hobbies for early on a Sunday morning so that there's still some family time. He needs to do that, but it's important for all of you (IMHO) that he does get this time - and you should too.

Really? You don't think the 'issue' is the way this man spoke to his wife like shit, gaslighted her and threw a tantrum?

The OP has no problem with him playing golf, it's very clear from her post as she actually says it. He was due to play today. No issue. What's wrong with trying to fit hobbies around our families, or should hobbies always trump everything else?

DH and I both have hobbies and it's annoying when you can't fit it in sometimes but that's life. Neither of us tries to guilt trip the other about it, you just suck it up.

theresnolimits · 30/12/2022 12:59

I had this situation about 30 years ago ( not golf, another sport). When the dust had settled my DH said he hated having to ‘ask permission’ like a child, he was working really hard and felt his sport was part of who he was and he felt it was really important to his sense of self. Maybe that’s how your husband feels - a bit overwhelmed and losing his identity?

I also began to realise that my DH was a much nicer person/more involved dad if he’d had some of his ‘own time’. When he walked in the door we had his full attention. And I was always in credit with brownie points so when I wanted ‘my time’, he’d always oblige.

The children are long moved out now and I couldn’t be happier that my DH has his own interests, great friends and has kept fit. Some of my friends’ husbands just hang around the house complaining.

So I suppose I’m saying we all row at times, sometimes we need to negotiate and adjust our expectations ( and tone) and it’s not always unicorns and rainbows. But is this a hill to die on? It wasn’t for me.

Good luck with the new baby.

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2022 13:01

He's not been for a month, the moment he is able to, his wife immediately ensures he doesn't get his hopes up about next weekend. I'd be pissed off too. I know the man is always firmly in the wrong on MN and mostly they are Grin but on this I see where he's coming from.

My ex used to try to stop me from going running with huffs and sighs and ensuring I knew how inconvenient it was - 45 minutes, 5 x a week. His face used to tighten when I started getting my gear together. This thread makes me think of that.

Notonthestairs · 30/12/2022 13:02

He could have played today though.

Soothsayer1 · 30/12/2022 13:03

So the man hates having to ask permission as if he were a child, but he childshly puts his own wants above his duty towards his pregnant wife and his child.
What about the wife who is put in the position of a supplicant pleading with him to help her with the fact that she is an advanced state of pregnancy with his child.
He is happy to continually cast her in the position of a subordinate but won't accept this himself.
It's all about him having to be number one, having to be the boss.

Naunet · 30/12/2022 13:03

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2022 12:38

Agree.

Show quote history

Someone can’t do simple maths then…

Testina · 30/12/2022 13:03

Dinhop · 30/12/2022 09:44

See if he really means he will quit golf - flog his clubs and spend it on a spa day

That’s just embarrassing. You know that most women actually do think there’s more to a happy life that a fucking spa day? 🙄

RethinkingLife · 30/12/2022 13:04

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 30/12/2022 11:08

But presumably his friends work on Mondays and he enjoys the social aspect of the hobby as well.

Surely him having every Monday child-free while you never get the equivalent is the problem here, not four hours of golf every fortnight.

Show quote history

Plus the driving practice on evening weekdays…which is a minimum of an additional 5hrs per fortnight if 30mins a night.

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2022 13:04

Someone can’t do simple maths then…

Why so snarky? Smile

Soothsayer1 · 30/12/2022 13:05

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2022 13:01

He's not been for a month, the moment he is able to, his wife immediately ensures he doesn't get his hopes up about next weekend. I'd be pissed off too. I know the man is always firmly in the wrong on MN and mostly they are Grin but on this I see where he's coming from.

My ex used to try to stop me from going running with huffs and sighs and ensuring I knew how inconvenient it was - 45 minutes, 5 x a week. His face used to tighten when I started getting my gear together. This thread makes me think of that.

But is this a comparable situation? When you went running were you in any way abandoning him or neglecting your duties?

DelphiniumBlue · 30/12/2022 13:05

The problem is that he sees you as the default childcare. So he does not ask if you would mind looking after DS for all those extra hours, he is saying that looking after DS is actually not his responsibility.
He is also not getting or caring how exhausting pregnancy is.
Words won't sort out anything. I think you should stop soldiering on and take to your bed. Tell him he will have to look after DS because you are unable to. If you look like you are coping, he will assume that you are coping, and he doesn't need to do anything. If necessary, leave the house, go and sit in the GPs waiting room, if they still have one,get the GP to prescribe rest. Go to your Mum's, tell DH you can't cope and he needs to arrange some help for you if he is not willing/able to do it himself. Leave him to deal with DS.
Don't even bother discussing his arrangements or plans . If he wants to play golf, ask him who will be looking after DS - it won't be you because you will be in bed sleeping. If he wants to make proper arrangements for babysitters etc that's fine, but he can't expect you to pick up his slack. Get tough.

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2022 13:09

But is this a comparable situation? When you went running were you in any way abandoning him or neglecting your duties?

I don't think he is though. He's been here for all his "duties" throughout December and OP doesn't describe him as being generally useless and unavailable. I think the clear dislike of someone's hobbies so they become a source of tension every time they're mentioned makes these two scenarios comparable tbh.

housemaus · 30/12/2022 13:10

BethDuttonsTwin · 30/12/2022 13:01

He's not been for a month, the moment he is able to, his wife immediately ensures he doesn't get his hopes up about next weekend. I'd be pissed off too. I know the man is always firmly in the wrong on MN and mostly they are Grin but on this I see where he's coming from.

My ex used to try to stop me from going running with huffs and sighs and ensuring I knew how inconvenient it was - 45 minutes, 5 x a week. His face used to tighten when I started getting my gear together. This thread makes me think of that.

Exactly. OP's timing made it seem like a punishment for going this week. And her 'we're 30 for god's sake' as though having a hobby is childish - she clearly doesn't like it and wants to make sure he knows that.

OP's entirely justified in wanting the extra help next weekend, but throwing it in as soon as he told her he was going this week a) sets up a dynamic where she is 'allowing' his silly little hobby as an indulgence instead of him being allowed to decide how he spends his time and b) seemed deliberately designed to remind him of that - "I'll allow it this time but next time no".