Huge argument over golf. So pissed off.

[fuckinggolf]

My husband used to go to golf every Sunday but considering the fact he works 5 days including Saturdays and we have a DC in school he now only goes every other Sunday. He has one day off in the week where he's home and I'm at work and DC is in school so he can always go more then, he doesn't always choose to because that's not when his friends go, they go on a Sunday.

He last went to golf on the first Sunday in December, he didn't go the next 3 weeks because things happened to fall on every Sunday, plans with his family, a trip that he'd booked and then Christmas. He mentioned last night that he's going to go with his friends today instead and I said sure, I then asked about next Sunday and said could he be around next weekend as I'm going to need a break (he booked his annual leave wrong so he goes back to work a week before our DC goes back to school (I'm 37 weeks pregnant and dreading the thought of trying to entertain a 4 year old for 5 days with no help between 8-6pm and will probably be exhausted that weekend)

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, that I find excuse after excuse for him to not go, it's the only thing he does for himself but fine let's both do absolutely nothing over than spend every fucking minute together because clearly he isn't allowed a single thing for himself, said that I've stopped him going to golf for 5 weeks now. I said that isn't true, it's not my fault that Christmas Day was on a Sunday and the two Sundays before yes we were doing things but both were things he arranged not me and it's convenient of him to forget that just to chuck it in my face. He wouldn't admit he was being unfair and just started ranting and raving about how he's never going to golf again, I win, controlling wife etc. I was really crying by the end of it and he didn't bother trying to resolve it or seeing if I was ok and he slept in the spare room without even coming into ours.

This morning I went downstairs and tried to just general talk to him and he was snappy and rude. I asked him what was wrong and he insisted nothing but could clearly tell. I told him I'd arranged to take DC to meet a friend for a play date but hadn't agreed a time so could time it in with his golf. He said he isn't going and when I asked why he said really sarcastically "because it's easier not to dear". I never once said a bad thing about him going today, I literallly just said ok when he told me, I only asked about next Sunday because I have 5 full days with no support in the run up and I'm going to be nearly 38 weeks pregnant at that point. I said this and he just kept repeating I'm not going. I said well text and arrange it and he just kept saying "no dear you get your way". It felt really unfair because he's going to refuse to go and then add this to his '5 weeks' where his mean controlling wife hasn't allowed him to go which is absolute bullshit and I know he's going to hold it against me. He knows we're about to have a newborn and had previously said he's fine with not going on Sundays for a couple of months unless my mums here as I need a caesarean and will be recovering but I bet that'll be thrown in my face now too.

I got upset again because he was just manipulating a genuine reason for needing help next weekend into me being this controlling bitch and completely lying about how I've been the reason he hasn't gone, yet again he didn't care that I got upset and hasn't tried to sort it out instead stormed off upstairs with his breakfast.

AIBU? I get that he's his hobby and I get that they only play on Sundays and I try and be fair with that but given Sundays are the only day we get as a family it does suck a little when he fucks off for 4.5 hours. I don't moan about it but did request it goes down to every other Sunday, but I don't find excuses every week for him to not go, I don't see being 38 weeks pregnant as an excuse?

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

@Greensleevevssnotnose
’The earliest tee time at our golf club is 6am’
How do you play golf in the dark?

I'm sorry to say this but he really sounds like a horrible, horrible man. I would try to find support from as many people around you during this really vulnerable time for you and assess whether this is an atmosphere you want to live in x

@Floweryflora - post at 10.40.

"He goes to the driving range every night after work, he finishes work at 5 but gets home at 6 because he stops at the range on the way home."

He goes to the driving range for an hour after work - she mentioned it upthread.

Personally I would be focusing on that rather than the fact that wants to play proper game twice a month.

He sounds like an absolute bellend. He goes to the driving range five times a week plus golf Sundays and does nothing on the day when you and DC are both out of the house? TOSSER. What are his plans once you have his second child? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Love this!

Stick them on Ebay, OP. He's being very childish, which is a most unattractive trait in a man imo.

Tell him to take the 4yo with him.
Or get up earlier than him and go for a coffee somewhere if you can

I can lend you a hacksaw. They're pretty good at decapitating golf clubs.

@sheepdogdelight why should she be the default parent ? It’s not her job to look after their children, it’s their job . He should assume he is looking after his children unless he makes alternative arrangements for them. What sort of father leaves his wife with a newborn and a four year old to play a game with his friends, he could take his ds to the driving range, they do children’s sessions here, but I bet he won’t

For ppl saying 'I don't understand why pregnancy comes into it' - it's never ok to shout at and stress out a heavily pregnant woman, and if you are the father of the child she's carrying, she should be your ONLY priority. Grow the fuck up.

I would be really pissed off at todays sulking op, I hate sulking from grownups, IMO it's pathetic behaviour (and I feel in your circumstance, unkind considering he insulted you yesterday and belittled your family time).

I agree with other posters who have suggested that possibly his friends or the weather has cancelled today's golf and possibly he's not telling you that to try and manipulate you into feeling guilty.

You are not being unreasonable IMO, for many reasons. You are very pregnant. He fucked up his annual leave causing this situation. He booked things on his other golf day in December (and you didn't make Christmas be on the other one either). He can spend a whole day a week golfing but chooses not to. He could be playing golf today (according to him) but chooses not to.

You only have one day a week to spend time as a family and he has half of those days to himself. If you have the other half then what happens to family days out? You cancel your day? His hobby could automatically dominate all your lives. I think you're being very reasonable in being ok with losing half your family time to his hobby.

Golf easily and frequently takes 4+ hours for 18 holes if there are 3/4 players, or you get stuck behind 3/4 players who won't let you play through. Assuming you don't live on the golf course then there is the travelling time and post match drinks and it's usually 6 hours and the golf must be played during the daylight hours (so the useful bit of the day in winter). The whole day usually gets written off.

In my experience (I have a golf playing husband) it took me and DH a few years to get to the point where we both felt we had a reasonable balance going. It helps that we both have weekends off, it helps that I can leave the DC easier and for longer now to have time to myself and it helps that they are easier to parent now they are older (6&9) - it's not as exhausting to look after them by myself now. To get to this point we ended up counting up the time we each had to go to hobbies/days out/nights out etc over a period of 6 months or so which was eye opening for him and he was much more agreeable after this.

I hope you're ok OP and I hope you can enjoy a peaceful night sleep tonight if he chooses to not sleep in your bed again!

Unfortunately, it’s one of those arguments that isn’t really about what it’s about. It’s (mostly) not about “the fucking golf,” OP.

I think @Toomanysleepycats has some very good points. I don’t believe that ALL men are like this, but I do believe that SOME men are (and maybe some women? But I don’t know anyone in a relationship with one who is), and if you’re with one who is, then you have to negotiate their time and get it down in writing just like family life is their second job and they have committed X times to it, or the hobby is vacation leave and they are entitled to X of it a week. Obviously, a lot of women end up divorcing men like this, because it’s demeaning to have to deal with that, to feel that you’re somehow cajoling a man into being a husband and a father as often as he should be.

And this specific argument… yes, the topic is golf, but as some previous posters have pointed out, the important parts are how this man is treating his pregnant wife. We’ve got all of Gottman’s Four Horseman of Divorce between how he acted in the fight and the next morning - contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling (arguable whether his behavior in the morning, between acting pissed off, silence, and then arsey comments blaming you was just contempt or stonewalling too, so we’ll call it both, and taking himself off the spare bedroom is also a form of physical stonewalling, unless you’ve both communicated about it).

People talk about a startling amount of abuse starting during pregnancy, and often we just focus on physical abuse. But verbal and emotional abuse are very real things, too; him yelling at you, him gaslighting you about what really happened (blaming you for being controlling when he made the plans), him calling you names (like controlling bitch). I’m not saying LTB, but please pay close attention; maybe it’s Christmas stress, maybe this was a one-off. But it seems like he doesn’t feel very sorry at all. And if this is how things are when you’re 38 weeks pregnant, what happens when you’re vulnerable and need help for weeks after your caesarean, or the baby doesn’t sleep and the whole household is shattered from night noise and night wakings? How will he deal with that stress?

There is no perfect advice in this situation. Breaking up the marriage is premature. However, then you may look back in the future and wish you’d left now. I hope neither are the case, and he either steps up, or at least has the decency to treat you with respect, then you’ll have to make a decision about how much you’re willing to put up with.

DH plays golf and we have young children. If he’d have gone on like this when I was 37 weeks pregnant I would have been getting the divorce papers out. What an absolute knob.

I can't believe all the people who are siding with the husband - he sounds like a selfish, nasty man child. Him sarcastically calling me "dear" and whining like a baby would make my fanny clamp shut. Forever.

Poor OP - so he "accidentally" booked his leave wrongly so you basically have to look after dc yourself over the rest of Christmas whilst heavily pregnant? What a tool.

it sounds to me like he's one of those men who'd rather be doing anything rather than partaking in family life. He probably has a group of likeminded toxically-masculine friends who give one another grief if they seem to be in any way "under the thumb".

He sounds horrible - shouting at his heavily pregnant wife like that and leaving you sobbing, then being passive aggressive the next day - shame on him
💐

I can only think some of the people on here are wives who've been trained to accept abusive, selfish behaviour from men and think it's normal.

Why are so many dull people in this thread going on about golf being great and a fresh air hobby and blah blah blah? That's fine - OP and her husband have had an arrangement where he goes golfing every other Sunday for years, she's clearly not telling him to quit!

This issue isn't the golf, but the husband's terrible reaction. I mean really, refusing to go to the other golf session? I'm cringing just thinking of that, that's so childish and embarrassing. Kicking off on his heavily pregnant wife and saying all this sarcastic bullshit about what a sad henpecked husband he is. I'm sure OP would not have been upset if he let her down gently explaining that he really wants to go but he'll take the 4 year old and let her relax all of Sunday afternoon, right?

Is he usually like this OP?

@moksorineouimoksori I expect he refused to go to the other session because he couldn't face telling his mates he wasn't coming to the Sunday session. Didn't want to lose face, as @Toomanysleepycats pointed out.

You misunderstood my post. I said it was better for him to play golf now than when he had a newborn as well, and it might be reasonable to expect him to give up golf for a while when the baby is small.

I don't think OP should be the default parent. But I don't think looking after your own child for a morning a fortnight while the other parent takes part in a hobby makes you the default parent. I do think OP should take some time for herself. Maybe on DH's day off?

This could be applied to so many threads here.

Could we make this a sticky?

He's being extremely petty and passive aggressive.

You had no issue with him playing today, you're simply asking him to be around next Sunday so you can have a break which is completely fair! And now he's having a tantrum because he can't indulge himself two weeks on the trot........

As a compromise, why can't he play during the week during his week of leave?

This. Does it involve school runs, housework, house maintenance, garden etc?

He is a man, the reason he wants his wife to produce children is because this raises his status in the eyes of the other men at the golf course whom he wants to impress. Being a married man with children also makes him look stable reliable dependable capable ETC in the eyes of prospective employers and anyone else who he wants and needs to impress so that he can invest in his future earning potential.
Because he is a man it is right that he puts all his effort into making himself look good and investing in himself.
You are the woman you don't matter, you are the one who has to do the boring stressful unpaid work, the fact that you are heavily pregnant makes it easier for you to be dominated and manipulated because you have less strength to fight back.
He does as he pleases you will do as you are told.
That is his mindset.

Driving range 5-6pm every night

That's not fair at all! So he goes on Sunday and also plays golf for an hour 5 nights a week?

I would suggest he switches to a Monday instead, which inconveniences no one. As here he has two child free days (a bachelors weekend basically) and you have zero free time.

It's not just about the golf, it's how he's reacted to you saying you're not happy with being left when you will clearly need help towards the end of pregnancy. He's changed the narrative, which is never a good sign.

It's not like he's out running or doing anything to make himself fitter, he's just wandering around on a golf course trying to impress other men, hoping they will see him as the biggest Billy big bolllocks🤷

He’s a selfish prick. Every time he decides to go play golf on a Sunday, he’s controlling you by his own logic, he’s dictating that you can’t go and do your own thing as you have to look after your child - bet he doesn’t see that as controlling though does he? And what day each week is your time to swan off and do something with friends?

Surely most parents leave work and want to get home to their kids? He goes to the driving range - every night!