Huge argument over golf. So pissed off.

[fuckinggolf]

My husband used to go to golf every Sunday but considering the fact he works 5 days including Saturdays and we have a DC in school he now only goes every other Sunday. He has one day off in the week where he's home and I'm at work and DC is in school so he can always go more then, he doesn't always choose to because that's not when his friends go, they go on a Sunday.

He last went to golf on the first Sunday in December, he didn't go the next 3 weeks because things happened to fall on every Sunday, plans with his family, a trip that he'd booked and then Christmas. He mentioned last night that he's going to go with his friends today instead and I said sure, I then asked about next Sunday and said could he be around next weekend as I'm going to need a break (he booked his annual leave wrong so he goes back to work a week before our DC goes back to school (I'm 37 weeks pregnant and dreading the thought of trying to entertain a 4 year old for 5 days with no help between 8-6pm and will probably be exhausted that weekend)

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, that I find excuse after excuse for him to not go, it's the only thing he does for himself but fine let's both do absolutely nothing over than spend every fucking minute together because clearly he isn't allowed a single thing for himself, said that I've stopped him going to golf for 5 weeks now. I said that isn't true, it's not my fault that Christmas Day was on a Sunday and the two Sundays before yes we were doing things but both were things he arranged not me and it's convenient of him to forget that just to chuck it in my face. He wouldn't admit he was being unfair and just started ranting and raving about how he's never going to golf again, I win, controlling wife etc. I was really crying by the end of it and he didn't bother trying to resolve it or seeing if I was ok and he slept in the spare room without even coming into ours.

This morning I went downstairs and tried to just general talk to him and he was snappy and rude. I asked him what was wrong and he insisted nothing but could clearly tell. I told him I'd arranged to take DC to meet a friend for a play date but hadn't agreed a time so could time it in with his golf. He said he isn't going and when I asked why he said really sarcastically "because it's easier not to dear". I never once said a bad thing about him going today, I literallly just said ok when he told me, I only asked about next Sunday because I have 5 full days with no support in the run up and I'm going to be nearly 38 weeks pregnant at that point. I said this and he just kept repeating I'm not going. I said well text and arrange it and he just kept saying "no dear you get your way". It felt really unfair because he's going to refuse to go and then add this to his '5 weeks' where his mean controlling wife hasn't allowed him to go which is absolute bullshit and I know he's going to hold it against me. He knows we're about to have a newborn and had previously said he's fine with not going on Sundays for a couple of months unless my mums here as I need a caesarean and will be recovering but I bet that'll be thrown in my face now too.

I got upset again because he was just manipulating a genuine reason for needing help next weekend into me being this controlling bitch and completely lying about how I've been the reason he hasn't gone, yet again he didn't care that I got upset and hasn't tried to sort it out instead stormed off upstairs with his breakfast.

AIBU? I get that he's his hobby and I get that they only play on Sundays and I try and be fair with that but given Sundays are the only day we get as a family it does suck a little when he fucks off for 4.5 hours. I don't moan about it but did request it goes down to every other Sunday, but I don't find excuses every week for him to not go, I don't see being 38 weeks pregnant as an excuse?

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

How come you think OP must clearly dislike golf because she wants him not to spend so much time playing, but he doesn’t clearly dislike his wife and child by wanting to spend so much time away from them?

I didn't say that...

*This thread is like something from the 1950s.

the OP:

works full time except when on ML
has a four year old
is 38 weeks pregnant

her dh :

plays golf every day after work
half a day every other weekend , even though he works the other day
has a full day off every week in which he does no childcare and is free to do what he wants

but the OP, the woman, is in the wrong . Utterly baffling*

Totally agree with this. It's a depressing read. OP is criticised as coming across as 'anti-golf' 🤔 when half the fucking replies are anti-women

I think generally having something that takes up a weekend day frequently isn’t great when you have small children. There’s very few women who would spend half a weekend day out doing their hobby tbh

I agree with this. I used to be a season ticket holder for the football team I support. Now I have young children, I’m not because I can’t justify it taking up most of a weekend day every other weekend.

Obviously its fine for people to have hobbies but they have to take a back seat when you have young children. Plus he could do it every Monday which he has to himself - I’m sure he does like the social element in a Sunday but he’s got a young child and a heavily pregnant wife.

He sounds like a classic man-child who resents that having a family stops him from doing whatever he wants, and projects his frustrations that he can’t just keep doing as he pleases onto OP. Regardless of what people think of the principle of the hobby point, the way he spoke to OP about this is horrible and I cannot believe people are sticking up for him.

The reason he hasn't been for a month is because he made other arrangements twice and Christmas.

So not the OP's fault.

Nor is it entirely her fault that she's 38 weeks!

I think calling it a “morning a fortnight” slightly minimises then impact on their family life. He works Saturdays so Sunday is the only day that they both have off together.

OP will be looking after their child all day every Saturday while he works which is entirely reasonable but as Sunday is the only day that he has off that OP isn’t working, taking every other Sunday out of the equation is a big deal. I think the OP is actually very accommodating having agreed to every other Sunday given it’s their only available family day in the week.

He just sprung today’s golf on you. What does he expect? He thinks you’re there to pick up the slack at all times.

Both my DH and I are golfers and enjoy sport and have always encouraged and supported each other to have hobbies outside of work and home to relax. We have lots of family afternoons out and days during the holidays. We both try to arrange golf early and sport in the evening to not disturb family time as much. Maybe you could take up a hobby that your DH can support you with to give you a break as well.

I think you’ve had some really unfair replies OP. My DH is a golfer, so I completely understand what it involves. I think he’s behaving like a toddler having a tantrum.

You aren’t asking him to give anything up. You’re simply asking him to give his family the same attention he gives golf with his friends. And, let’s be honest, if it was just about the fresh air, exercise and love of the game, he could get an early tee off for 9 holes and be home by 10am. But he doesn’t do that because he wants to play with his friends. When do you get to see your friends? When was the last time you had a leisurely few child free hours? Do you get an hour to yourself each day doing what you want without being disturbed by your toddler? Or by him? And as for him blaming you when he’s made arrangements for Sundays, that’s completely unacceptable.

Flabbergasted by some of the responses on this thread. It is blatantly obvious that he gets significantly more 'me'-time than OP already, and takes this time at a moment detrimental to family time. If he needs more 'fresh air' and exercise for his mental health, he could go for a run on his undisturbed Mondays off. But for some reason, I suspect he won't find this enticing.

OP, take care of yourself, and keep prioritising those two babies of yours. Good luck with the final stretch!

Flabbergasted by some of the responses on this thread. It is blatantly obvious that he gets significantly more 'me'-time than OP already, and takes this time at a moment detrimental to family time. If he needs more 'fresh air' and exercise for his mental health, he could go for a run on his undisturbed Mondays off. But for some reason, I suspect he won't find this enticing.

The suggestion that he swaps golf for running makes no sense, though. You wouldn't say to a woman "I know you like (insert sport here) but that doesn't matter - if you need fresh air, you should go for a run".

I love horse riding - I go weekly plus the occasional weekend hack. If DH suggested I swap some of my rides for a solo run, I'd think he'd gone insane, frankly.

Now I'm widowed, I have guilt for being so angry with my husband for going to golf, he went at every opportunity It was the only release he had from the stress of his job, and I'm sure he was a better person for it. He also went on a week's golf holiday to Portugal each year which I also resented him for.

I hope you can find some time for yourself, and he is as understanding that you need time out from your 'job' as a mother.

That's one nasty piece of work you are having another child with.

He's a real prince, ranting and raving at his 37 week pregnant wife.

He has a lot of free time, and plenty of energy to bully you.

I really hope you have a good job and stay working FT.

That you have family and friends to reach out to.

This is not a good man and father.

Just another tantruming nasty bully.

Take a hard look OP at him OP and reach out to those who care for you, he certainly doesn't.

Spot on. Op please take note.

When the dust had settled my DH said he hated having to ‘ask permission’ like a child

That was his choice to frame it like that though. A less entitled person would look at it as: we have children, one of us needs to be taking care of them at any given time, let me have a discussion with my wife about who is doing that at what times.

As a PP said, 'asking permission' is just admitting that you see the other parent as the default caregiver.

this is absolutely right.

He’s a stroppy, selfish cunt of a man child.

He’s a parent with a pregnant wife. He needs to learn to communicate and to grow the fuck up.

Your husband is an arse hole. My husband is a keen golfer, and now our DC are grown he can play golf as much as he likes and go on as many golf trips as he likes. When our children were young however golf went on the back burner, with not a word from me about it. I remember when DC were young, we were at a social event and someone asked DH if he was playing much golf. His straightforward answer was "No not much, it wouldn't be fair on CallOfTheMild". And that is why we've been married for 36 years. Honestly OP I think your husband's attitude stinks.

At no stage of my wife’s pregnancies or then of having toddlers or young children would I ever have dreamed of asking my wife not to go an event or do an activity because “I might be tired then and might need a rest”.

I don’t know what goes through the minds of people who think they have the right to actually do this stuff.

If a partner is a good partner generally then you should let them enjoy their interests especially when compromises have already been agreed on and made.

Chipping away at the sources of joy in your partner’s life because you might be tired at such and such a time in the future is very controlling and manipulative.

It's not a couple of evenings though, it's every night after work!

she's not asking him to regularly drop any of his sessions, just one as a one off. One when she's 38 weeks pregnant & doing ALL the parenting of their very active 4 yo because HE fucked up booking his leave to help cover the school holidays.

@Westernesse

Don't be so daft. If you're married and the parent of young children you don't just swan off to do your own thing whenever you want to and nor do you expect your partner to. It's literally impossible to do so without discussion because someone needs to care for the child. Most families actually want to spend family time together. One day a week is actually fairly minimal in that regard. If OP took equal 'me time' they would never have a family day together. Being pregnant is exhausting for lots of women and she'll need a rest. Having adaquate rest is more important than socialising with friends at a specific time. If the husband didn't anticipate having his social life impacted by marriage and children then that's 100% down to his ignorance.

This really made me laugh

Of course you didn't need a rest when it was your wife who was 38 weeks pregnant🙄

You’re missing the point

I know it's every night. That's why I said OP would be better off focussing on him dropping some of the evening sessions, rather than giving up one of the two actually games he plays each month.

If he was around more after work and in the evenings, OP could take 2-3 evenings to herself to sleep/rest, and would likely feel less resentful about him going off on a Sunday morning.

Or, in the long-term, look at his working pattern so he's around at weekends instead of getting every single Monday to himself.

Pretty sure you read the full post.

At no point in the child rearing years of our young children would I ever have dreamed of asking my wife not to go to an event or do an activity. doing so on the proviso that I might have been tired or that I hat SHE wanted to do didn’t suit ME would have been utterly bizarre behaviour. Wouldn’t it?

what is going through someone’s mind when they do that?