Huge argument over golf. So pissed off.

[fuckinggolf]

My husband used to go to golf every Sunday but considering the fact he works 5 days including Saturdays and we have a DC in school he now only goes every other Sunday. He has one day off in the week where he's home and I'm at work and DC is in school so he can always go more then, he doesn't always choose to because that's not when his friends go, they go on a Sunday.

He last went to golf on the first Sunday in December, he didn't go the next 3 weeks because things happened to fall on every Sunday, plans with his family, a trip that he'd booked and then Christmas. He mentioned last night that he's going to go with his friends today instead and I said sure, I then asked about next Sunday and said could he be around next weekend as I'm going to need a break (he booked his annual leave wrong so he goes back to work a week before our DC goes back to school (I'm 37 weeks pregnant and dreading the thought of trying to entertain a 4 year old for 5 days with no help between 8-6pm and will probably be exhausted that weekend)

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, that I find excuse after excuse for him to not go, it's the only thing he does for himself but fine let's both do absolutely nothing over than spend every fucking minute together because clearly he isn't allowed a single thing for himself, said that I've stopped him going to golf for 5 weeks now. I said that isn't true, it's not my fault that Christmas Day was on a Sunday and the two Sundays before yes we were doing things but both were things he arranged not me and it's convenient of him to forget that just to chuck it in my face. He wouldn't admit he was being unfair and just started ranting and raving about how he's never going to golf again, I win, controlling wife etc. I was really crying by the end of it and he didn't bother trying to resolve it or seeing if I was ok and he slept in the spare room without even coming into ours.

This morning I went downstairs and tried to just general talk to him and he was snappy and rude. I asked him what was wrong and he insisted nothing but could clearly tell. I told him I'd arranged to take DC to meet a friend for a play date but hadn't agreed a time so could time it in with his golf. He said he isn't going and when I asked why he said really sarcastically "because it's easier not to dear". I never once said a bad thing about him going today, I literallly just said ok when he told me, I only asked about next Sunday because I have 5 full days with no support in the run up and I'm going to be nearly 38 weeks pregnant at that point. I said this and he just kept repeating I'm not going. I said well text and arrange it and he just kept saying "no dear you get your way". It felt really unfair because he's going to refuse to go and then add this to his '5 weeks' where his mean controlling wife hasn't allowed him to go which is absolute bullshit and I know he's going to hold it against me. He knows we're about to have a newborn and had previously said he's fine with not going on Sundays for a couple of months unless my mums here as I need a caesarean and will be recovering but I bet that'll be thrown in my face now too.

I got upset again because he was just manipulating a genuine reason for needing help next weekend into me being this controlling bitch and completely lying about how I've been the reason he hasn't gone, yet again he didn't care that I got upset and hasn't tried to sort it out instead stormed off upstairs with his breakfast.

AIBU? I get that he's his hobby and I get that they only play on Sundays and I try and be fair with that but given Sundays are the only day we get as a family it does suck a little when he fucks off for 4.5 hours. I don't moan about it but did request it goes down to every other Sunday, but I don't find excuses every week for him to not go, I don't see being 38 weeks pregnant as an excuse?

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

@Westernesse it's not difficult to assume that at 38 weeks pregnant & being left to entertain a 4 year old all week, that she'll be exhausted by next Sunday

Did you miss the bit about him cocking up (probably deliberately) his holiday so he wasn't taking it when the DD was at school, meaning the OP has to do use all her holiday this week on childcare while heavily pregnant, which is why she wanted him to not do next week.

Your scenario about her resenting her partner having life interests is completely made up given that he does golf every day after work and every other weekend.

*DD was not at school.

But you weren't pregnant!

I don't understand that post

What OP actually said was yes by all means play this week but would it be ok if you didn’t play next week? So he is still getting his 50% of family days spent doing something just for his benefit and leaving his heavily pregnant wife to yet more solo parenting, which is the agreement.

And I’m afraid you are not fooling anyone by turning this round into “I would never treat my wife like that”. It is perfectly obvious you mean you would never allow her to treat you like that.

your disparaging comment of “I might be tired next week” makes it yet more clear that you have no concept of how exhausting and physically debilitating it can be to be 37 weeks pregnant, yet OP will be solo parenting all week because he got his annual leave wrong, and no doubt he won’t be foregoing his daily trip to the driving range after work.

I honestly can’t believe you are so oblivious to the impact not being around can have on the other parent when you have young children. There has to be a balance. Obviously no one has to never leave the house to be there to help with the children, but recognition that someone else is picking up the slack in your absence and keeping the me time absences to a proportionate level is basic consideration for a partner.

He has 50% of Sundays agreed with OP (I struggle to see how that is unreasonable of her, I think it’s very accommodating), and he would have had 50% of the next two Sundays had he not thrown a total strop.

OFGS

it's not the same situation!

I'm not missing the point at all, because it's clearly not just about this one weekend.

He had three weekends "off" from golf, and planned to go today, but he couldn't even do that without OP saying "well if that's the case, you're definitely not going next weekend as I'll need a break".

Everything about OP's posts screams that she's resentful about how much time his golf takes up. Cancelling one Sunday may help in the short-term, but it's pretty clear that things will just go back to how they are now and OP will still be seething with resentment.

They need to tackle the real issues, which are that he goes to the driving range every evening after work, and has a whole day to himself during the week while OP works and their son is in school. If everything else was fair, I very much doubt that these two Sunday mornings a month would be an issue.

Very well said.

I think as well that the guy should be assuming of his own volition that he won’t be playing golf next week with his partner so close to giving birth, but that’s a separate issue IMO.

I know what you mean that the whole picture is unfair and that places more resentment on the Sunday golf, but actually in these specific circumstances I think she is entitled to feel sore about the Sundays anyway. She works all week and then solo parents Saturday (while he has a whole day at home to himself on a Monday). For her to then have to solo parent every other Sunday morning so he can do golf seems unfair to me regardless. I would think once a month would be more reasonable. OP has agreed to every other Sunday and I think she does resent that, but feels she can’t ask him to cut down more. I don’t blame her. He sounds selfish and unreasonable.

It's possible to do both.

The thing is, lots of workplaces don't give you a choice and you have to work a weekend day and have a day off mid-week - I know retail and hospitality are really big offenders for this as I spent years having to do just that.

So he may genuinely have no choice about his hours - which is fine, but if that's the case he needs to be making an effort to be around on the other weekday evenings, and coming straight home on a Saturday to give OP a break.

The problem with everyone focusing on the Sunday thing is that it won't solve anything in the long run, and OP will find herself back in the same place next year, but with two DC to look after instead.

“And I’m afraid you are not fooling anyone by turning this round into “I would never treat my wife like that”. It is perfectly obvious you mean you would never allow her to treat you like that.”

I agree that I am not fooling anyone. It just wouldn’t cross my mind to actually thwart my wife from doing something she enjoys because I think I will probably be tired in 9 days time. It just doesn’t compute IMO.

I would hate to ever be so reliant on my wife or anyone. To think that I was preventing her from doing something entirely reasonable because I felt I wouldn’t be able to cope would be horrendous.

I have 2 children aged 6 and 10 and we have had no family support. We don’t have much in the way of hobbies because it’s been full on which makes it even less likely we would resent the other person for getting out and enjoying themselves!

The Op was fine with him playing golf today.

Next Sunday wouldn't have featured as an issue if he had actually booked off the annual leave he was supposed to.

Absolutely.

But I'd also point out - maybe he was going to do that anyway, but is now digging himself a hole because she immediately told him he wasn't allowed to go anyway, if that makes sense.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply he was being unreasonable working a Saturday. I’m quite sure there are valid reasons for that, and mean no criticism. However that is the reality of the situation, that he has another regular opportunity for time to himself, and OP never gets that. And yet on the one day in 7 he is around to help with childcare, he wants to spend 50% of them playing golf.

I get the impression that even if OP asked him not to go in the week she would get the same hostile reaction of anger at being asked to contribute more to childcare and not just leave her to it so he can pursue a hobby. Even then though, help with bath and bedtime is great but it can’t replace a lazy Sunday morning or a lie in.

Quite frankly DH needs to knock golf on the head for the next 6 months save a quick trip to the driving range ( or perhaps golf when you have family support) . You will need his help and family time on Sundays if he works Saturdays.

So you think this guy should not be playing golf

But for his wife to ask him not to play golf is 'bizarre' 'odd' 'controlling' 'infantilising' etc etc

What is wrong with her asking? Not demanding or ordering, but asking? If it's something he should have decided not to do anyway.

It just wouldn’t cross my mind to actually thwart my wife from doing something she enjoys because I think I will probably be tired in 9 days time. It just doesn’t compute IMO.

jfc

IT DOES NOT COMPUTE BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN 38 WEEKS PREGNANT

We don’t have much in the way of hobbies because it’s been full on which makes it even less likely we would resent the other person for getting out and enjoying themselves!

I’m curious about this - your kids are too full on for to you to do much in the way of hobbies which is fair enough and sounds like the set up OP is asking for, which is that her DH hobbies take more of a backseat and don’t eat into their family life as much as they currently do.

I have so many hobbies I can’t do anymore because of the children. My husband works late so I can’t get out to the evening yoga classes I used to do 3 times a week. I don’t go to watch football every other weekend anymore. Kids get in the way of hobbies. You have to cut back - not eliminate, but reduce. The golf that OP’s husband wants to do take up a very high level of their family time despite things being very full on for their family, as it is for yours.

I'd have waved him off cheerily provided he agreed to paying for a babysitter or a holiday camp for a couple of afternoons that week. If he's got enough money for golf/equipment etc., then surely there's enough cash floating around to buy you some help for a few hours so you can have a rest? Or is that not a priority?

It doesn't compute with me either and I've been 38 weeks pregnant 3 times.
Nor does expecting my DH to cancel all hobbies for 6 months. Bizarre. Its a baby - It doesn't need two parents all the time. Just tag team It and spend the evening after DC bath and bed time together.

I can’t see anywhere that OP says she works full time? I presume not if she has the child after school

Well she must work 5 days a week mon-Fri because the child goes to school and she says she never has a day off at home to herself. It may be part time hours in terms of shorter working hours to allow her to pick up from school, but even if that’s the case it’s not time to herself.

We have very little evening between putting baby to bed and midnight and that’s the same now she’s 10 months old, and was the same with our first two or worse. So my Dh would not go as having him around evenings makes a huge difference, I just work solid 22 hour shifts every day at home with a baby unless he steps in. At 38 weeks pregnant I’d stand up in the morning and the weight and pain would settle in, I couldn’t stand for too long. Cooking dinner was exhausting, I tried to make tray bakes so I didn’t have to stand stirring and Dh did a lot of it. Everyone’s 38 weeks pregnant is not the same, but I’m happy for those who were fine at 38 weeks pregnant. Just don’t go telling the op she will be when some women can’t walk at that point without crippling pain.

Where did the OP say she wanted him to cancel his hobby for 6 months? She asked for one day and he flipped out. And it's two young children they will have, not just one baby.

That's great that you were never tired or in need of any help when you were 38 weeks pregnant. Lots of women are. It's not 'odd' or 'bizarre' to ask your husband to help take care of his own child when you are exhausted and about to have a section.