Huge argument over golf. So pissed off.

[fuckinggolf]

My husband used to go to golf every Sunday but considering the fact he works 5 days including Saturdays and we have a DC in school he now only goes every other Sunday. He has one day off in the week where he's home and I'm at work and DC is in school so he can always go more then, he doesn't always choose to because that's not when his friends go, they go on a Sunday.

He last went to golf on the first Sunday in December, he didn't go the next 3 weeks because things happened to fall on every Sunday, plans with his family, a trip that he'd booked and then Christmas. He mentioned last night that he's going to go with his friends today instead and I said sure, I then asked about next Sunday and said could he be around next weekend as I'm going to need a break (he booked his annual leave wrong so he goes back to work a week before our DC goes back to school (I'm 37 weeks pregnant and dreading the thought of trying to entertain a 4 year old for 5 days with no help between 8-6pm and will probably be exhausted that weekend)

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, that I find excuse after excuse for him to not go, it's the only thing he does for himself but fine let's both do absolutely nothing over than spend every fucking minute together because clearly he isn't allowed a single thing for himself, said that I've stopped him going to golf for 5 weeks now. I said that isn't true, it's not my fault that Christmas Day was on a Sunday and the two Sundays before yes we were doing things but both were things he arranged not me and it's convenient of him to forget that just to chuck it in my face. He wouldn't admit he was being unfair and just started ranting and raving about how he's never going to golf again, I win, controlling wife etc. I was really crying by the end of it and he didn't bother trying to resolve it or seeing if I was ok and he slept in the spare room without even coming into ours.

This morning I went downstairs and tried to just general talk to him and he was snappy and rude. I asked him what was wrong and he insisted nothing but could clearly tell. I told him I'd arranged to take DC to meet a friend for a play date but hadn't agreed a time so could time it in with his golf. He said he isn't going and when I asked why he said really sarcastically "because it's easier not to dear". I never once said a bad thing about him going today, I literallly just said ok when he told me, I only asked about next Sunday because I have 5 full days with no support in the run up and I'm going to be nearly 38 weeks pregnant at that point. I said this and he just kept repeating I'm not going. I said well text and arrange it and he just kept saying "no dear you get your way". It felt really unfair because he's going to refuse to go and then add this to his '5 weeks' where his mean controlling wife hasn't allowed him to go which is absolute bullshit and I know he's going to hold it against me. He knows we're about to have a newborn and had previously said he's fine with not going on Sundays for a couple of months unless my mums here as I need a caesarean and will be recovering but I bet that'll be thrown in my face now too.

I got upset again because he was just manipulating a genuine reason for needing help next weekend into me being this controlling bitch and completely lying about how I've been the reason he hasn't gone, yet again he didn't care that I got upset and hasn't tried to sort it out instead stormed off upstairs with his breakfast.

AIBU? I get that he's his hobby and I get that they only play on Sundays and I try and be fair with that but given Sundays are the only day we get as a family it does suck a little when he fucks off for 4.5 hours. I don't moan about it but did request it goes down to every other Sunday, but I don't find excuses every week for him to not go, I don't see being 38 weeks pregnant as an excuse?

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

Compromises have already been discussed and made.

So you advocate doing what the fuck you want whenever the fuck you want without regard for your partner’s needs? Lovely.

The compromise was 50% of their one family day be spent by him playing golf. So as he was playing Sunday, op was not wrong to ask he didn’t play the week after. As this is what was agreed.

Ok let me spell it out for you

It is completely irrelevant that you personally never asked your wife to stay home to help you. You have never been 38 weeks pregnant. You have never had to take care of a small child for a week while being 38 weeks pregnant and preparing for major abdominal surgery.

Had you ever experienced this yourself, you might understand why it is indeed possible for the OP to look one week into the future and foresee that she might need some help with childcare. It is incredibly important, at this late stage of pregnancy and pre C section, to take care of yourself. It is not at all 'bizarre' to think your husband might be willing to support you in doing that.

What IS bizarre is coming onto this thread and judging the OP when you cannot relate at all to what she is going through right now.

Personally I would not be playing golf or doing much of anything if my wife was 38 weeks pregnant and we had a toddler.

but they have agreed that he will golf every 2nd Sunday. Then there is an opportunity for him to play golf today with no effect on her and he has had to “square it” then is immediately asked to cancel his next planned game.

I cannot fathom asking my wife to do something like this, under any circumstances. It would be like infantilising myself and being a controlling oddball at the same time.

I’ve been 38 weeks pregnant like many of us and still looking after other children. It is possible, some people in a much worse place than me do with multiple small children, as single parents, with disabled children. I don’t think a half day on a week when the OH has been off work or a half day a fortnight is too much to ask. Bit unfair to shoot people down because they’ve not been pregnant! His reaction wasn’t great but to be fair it seems quite clear that OP has expressed her displeasure before and he’s Halved the frequency. I don’t think you can expect someone to have no time to themself at all. Does OP work full time? If so or she’s struggling surely childcare is a very valid option

He has every single Monday to himself, at home with no children.

@Westernesse

As you say your wife's pregnancies
not yours.

HE fucked up his annual leave booking so that the OP at 38 weeks pregnant has to look after their very active 4 year old. Of course she's going to be tired at the end of the week. If he was any kind of man he would have said he won't be pissing off for a day out with the boys on Sunday, he will be looking after their 4 year old, taking him out to the park etc, letting her rest. But she needed to ask him because he's a selfish prick & now he's stropping & acting like a nasty bully.

Asking a father to actually parent their child is not controlling &manipulative

@SpideyCraw cant really judge that as I don’t know how many days OP works or when they each drop/ pick child up or whether he does housework etc on that day? He wants to see friends though, once a fortnight that’s reasonable?

@whataboutsecondbreakfast

are you deliberately missing the point?

she's not asking him to cut down his golf in general, she's asking him not to play this ONE Sunday. ONE Sunday. One day after he fucked up his Annual leave booking leaving her to do the full week herself.

Spooky, this is exactly what I was going to write.

Golf is

Phone jumping about...

Golf is great for my husband's health; fresh air, exercise, time away from the kids etc. I buy him a round card for his birthday every year so he can play every week. The caveat being, as you say, he plays the 07:45 Sunday tee-time so he's back to spend the rest of the day with us as we've 3 kids under 6.

It is good to support these kind of hobbies, assuming it is repaid as you also need time to yourself, everyone does.

My DH had a similar brain fart when I was about to have DS3. Instead of me resting at the end of a high risk and exhausting pregnancy, he seemed hell bent on adding to my work load and stress levels at every given opportunity. Football instead of golf.
So I decamped to my parents to get away from it all and be looked after for a change and he had the cheek to fall out with me!
Then there was a last minute problem and DS had to be delivered early and all his plans had to be tossed out the window and that seemed to focus his mind but honestly he should not have had to be shocked into having his heavily pregnant wife and small child be his absolute top priority at that time. That hurt.
OP won't be pregnant forever. The golf course will still be there once the baby is born and they are out of the initial newborn fog.

I cannot fathom asking my wife to do something like this, under any circumstances. It would be like infantilising myself and being a controlling oddball at the same time.

How on earth is it infantilising yourself to have a quick chat with your wife about childcare arrangements?

Because that's really what it is. A man is able to go play golf for half a day because his wife is willing to do the childcare. Why on earth wouldn't you ask her if she's okay with doing that?

As I said before, men are choosing to frame all this as 'I have to ask permission to go out', which of course sounds bad and controlling, and puts women on the back foot. But it's really a discussion about who is taking care of the children when. That is something that needs to be agreed, not just assumed.

OP says this:

He gets a full day every Monday when I'm working and out DC is at school. A full day completely to himself. I literally never get that! Ever!

so it sounds like she works Monday to Friday.

we also can infer she does the pick ups because he goes to the driving range every day after work.

And it is possible to see your friends once a fortnight somewhere other than the golf course, either in the evening when the child is in bed, or even sometimes go somewhere child friendly and take the child.

Given that Sunday is seemingly the only day OP doesn’t work that her DH is also at home, ever other Sunday taken up with it is very reasonable of OP, especially when she is heavily pregnant and sounds like she is exhausted.

@Westernesse

*there is an opportunity for him to play golf today with no effect on her and he has had to “square it” then is immediately asked to cancel his next planned

No effect on her

did I miss the bit where he organised someone to look after their DS?

yes, he had to 'square it'. when you're a parent to small children you no longer have the right to just walk out the door when you fancy. The other parent is not the default parent. You need to clarify one if you is able to look after the child to enable the other to go out.

I cannot fathom asking my wife to do something like this, under any circumstances. It would be like infantilising myself and being a controlling oddball at the same time

how very nasty of you to imply that about the OP

As I said before, men are choosing to frame all this as 'I have to ask permission to go out', which of course sounds bad and controlling, and puts women on the back foot. But it's really a discussion about who is taking care of the children when. That is something that needs to be agreed, not just assumed

Totally agree. Having to actually have a conversation about childcare rather than doing what the fuck you want and assuming the woman will always pick up the slack is absolute basic respect, and the amount of men that take umbrage at having to do so is shocking

Contrary to lots of posters who seem obsessed with "me time" some men actually enjoy spending time with their family and happily cut down on hobbies for a while. All this - he goes out Saturday, you should go out Sunday - type posts are pretty sad really. Why have kids if you'd rather be golfing?

When possible, obviously.

She's probably in the same part of the female population as me - no way did I give up my hobbies after DC were born. Straight back out there within about 4 weeks, usually with baby in tow.

OP I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Your DH can look after boisterous DC all day Monday to give you a break.
In an ideal world he'd get an earlier tee time but presumably has to fit around his golf buddies. And once a fortnight seems to me like he's compromised already. But I do come from the viewpoint of me needing my own out of the house, doing my own thing, time. Can't bear being stuck in the house with no exercise.
Doesn't excuse his reaction though which is way OTT unless provoked.

Totally agree. Having to actually have a conversation about childcare rather than doing what the fuck you want and assuming the woman will always pick up the slack is absolute basic respect, and the amount of men that take umbrage at having to do so is shocking.

They just don't get it, do they? So steeped in male privilege that it actually invisible to them. Astonishing.

Indeed OP- tell him he can play whenever he likes. Just go out yourself ten minutes before he’s due to leave. You don’t need his permission, after all.

My husband has 'me-time' and family time and enjoys both, contrary to your preachy post, plenty of folk can manage to find a balance without being 'obsessed' with either.

The conversation about childcare took place and it was fine for him to golf today even though this was out of the normal pattern. Great!

but it couldn’t just be that. No, the OP seemingly couldn’t stand to see him getting a bonus game in and instead immediately asked him to forego his regular game next week.

I would never treat my wife like that. I would be happy that she got an extra opportunity to do something she enjoys. I just don’t understand the mindset hat resents their partners for perfectly reasonable life interests and which likes to find ways to get in the way of them.

I just cannot imagine ever saying to my wife “I’d rather you didn’t play tennis at the usual time next week - I might be tired”. It’s odd IMO.

I had two babies 13 months apart. We both worked ft. Dh used to drive 200 miles every other Saturday-to watch football-then back. Fine. But the Sundays those weeks he did the bulk of the childcare. And on the middle weekends we did stuff as a family a bit and sometimes stuff separately. If you get hung up on ensuring family time and put pressure on it it creates resentment

So completely different scenario then. Every other week you had a whole weekend when you could have family time or your own time. Every other week you had a break from childcare. The OP only gets one day every other weekend when the DH doesn't have either work or golf. Husband also does an hour a day of me-time after work, when the OP does all the childcare. He also has a day during the week completely to himself, which the OP never gets. She is not saying he should never play golf or have a hobby but she is heavily pregnant and just wanted a break next week.

Why he is considered so hard done by on this thread is baffling. As for the other poster who said she shouldn't have had children if she didn't want to do childcare, you could say exactly the same about the husband. It's just archaic attitudes of expecting childcare to be women's work. This thread is seriously like something out of a 1950s how to be a good wife book.

I think a lot of men struggle with what they feel is being controlled & 'having to ask' but would go absolutely nuts if other parent did the same to them.

I was always the default parent & my dh just didn't see what the issue was. He'd get phoned as needed by work & whatever I had planned went out the window. I was literally left holding the baby & he'd just go.

I had to do the same to him one day & pretend to get an emergency call from work & have to go. I had a very pleasant 4 hours to myself before coming home. He finally saw my point ....,