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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withdraw DS from overseas school trip?

94 replies

Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 02:54

DS 15 is going through a difficult time emotionally - he’s very immature for his age (due to delayed puberty) and cries at the slightest thing. He doesn’t feel like he fits in anywhere & is just having an amplified shit teenage time.

Hes meant to be going on an overseas school trip in the spring & I am very worried about it. On the one hand, I was taking the approach that it might be the making of him & really help him to mature, develop resilience and make friends etc.

Yesterday we were out with friends and one comment (which wasn’t meant in a mean way) set him off in floods of tears & his Dad had to take him home as he refused to stay out.

So I am really very concerned about him being in another country for a week & something happening without us there to support him too.

WWYD? Aibu unreasonable to be worried as he’s so emotionally all over the place or should we just take the view that it will develop his resilience & be good for him?

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 30/12/2022 03:00

Yanbu. Have you been to the GP with him if puberty delayed and hormones off?

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2022 03:01

Does he want to go?

Ilovelurchers · 30/12/2022 03:02

Does he want to go, or not? At 15 I would let him decide. I think if he wants to go and you withdraw him against his will this will hugely knock his confidence - ditto if he is made to go against his wishes.

Do understand your worry about it of course.

clantis · 30/12/2022 03:03

What was the comment? The trip might do him some good

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 03:09

@MrsTerryPratchett yes he wants to go most of the time but then he wobbles too. I mean the trip will be great in terms of an experience and hopefully full enough for him to not think about other stuff but it literally takes nothing to set him off too

OP posts:
Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 03:09

@Newmumatlast yes we are in the system with a consultant re the delayed puberty.

OP posts:
lurkinglittleladybug · 30/12/2022 03:11

It might help him gain some confidence if he goes

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 03:15

@lurkinglittleladybug yes that was the initial thinking with him going - he’s just so wobbly! And I am worried that we’ll get tearful phone calls but we’ll be so far away! Obviously there are teachers going!

OP posts:
kateandme · 30/12/2022 03:21

Be warned op your on mnet so they will tell you to chuck him in the ocean if he can't swim on here.
But only you no.and him.id sit down and have a proper chat.non fearing,calmly.hes old enough to have a pro con kind of talk.
Is there enough time to come up with safe techniques if it goes wrong.mindfullbess etc for times of stress.ones like the 54321 senses meditation.
Will he have a mobile to check in or call.if so maybe an slotted time a day to just hear you.centre him.offload etc.
Also if he has a phone use the notes apor whataspo himself anything her needs to offload.that way it's not all swirling in his head and you can talk about it and rationalize it with him.
Do the teachers no.iz there someone could be assigned to him as a go to.
It's a week.a day at a time approach would be useful.
But deff talk with him
And if he feels he can't that is no failing! Make sure that's KNOWN FULLY to him.
People become strong and independent at different times.people struggle more than others or with different things.he can come through this with help.hes not failing by having to take his own path.hes actually really strong for getting through the times he struggles,picking himself up when he's overwhelmed is a great great bravery.

Judgyjudgy · 30/12/2022 03:26

I think if he wants to go, then let him it will probably be good for him. If anything he may feel more left out if everyone goes and he doesn't. Perhaps give the teacher a heads up too

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2022 03:27

Be warned op your on mnet so they will tell you to chuck him in the ocean if he can't swim on here.

It's possible to give your opinion without being rude to everyone else.

user1492757084 · 30/12/2022 03:34

Let him go if he feels like it. Also teach him some coping skills. When he becomes tearful have him use strategies to get through the following fifteen minutes. Why do you take him home instead of having him find some quiet space and deal with his feelings himself?

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 03:36

@user1492757084 we were in a restaurant & he refused to come back in despite having time out in the loo to compose himself. He just wanted to go home away from the situation.

OP posts:
MoreTeaLessCoffee · 30/12/2022 03:41

I agree with @user1492757084 , focus on getting his coping strategies in place between now and the trip. If he wants to go I wouldn't pull him out, I think that could really sink his confidence and emphasise to him how far behind /different he is to peers. Also speak to teachers and make sure they are aware of what can upset him and how to deal with it.

FelicityFlops · 30/12/2022 03:48

Can you tell us which country he is going to?
It sounds like he needs some coping strategies to deal with "upsetting" things. Is he able to articulate what or why he is upset? Are these things that would upset you or your husband, too? Does he take all comments very personally - I am ruling out any deliberately hurtful or insulting remarks.
Very crass example of what I mean:
Nasty person says: wow you are a skinny, weedy runt.
Son - take 10 seconds to breathe whilst looking nasty person up and down, then: well, I may be now, but I have potential to....(complete with appropriate answer).
You may need to practise with him. Is he otherwise capable in other areas such as organising himself, being on time, doing things around the house etc.?

atoxk · 30/12/2022 03:58

Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 03:15

@lurkinglittleladybug yes that was the initial thinking with him going - he’s just so wobbly! And I am worried that we’ll get tearful phone calls but we’ll be so far away! Obviously there are teachers going!

It might well be the making of him. But if you don't think he will have fun then don't do it. Just coping is hard and scary but thriving and having a great time is invaluable x

5YearsLeft · 30/12/2022 04:27

OP, to be clear, do you mean he had delayed puberty and has now started or do you mean that his puberty is still delayed?

I ask because delayed puberty in boys causes some very obvious private physical differences that previous posters might not be aware of that could be a huge trigger for bullying, and I would be very concerned sending him on any sort of trip where another boy might see him changing or in the loo or bath, and say something to others. I hope he’s not experienced anything of the sort so far in regards bullying, but if he experiences floods of tears over small comments and doesn’t cope very well, it just seems like quite the gamble - maybe such a trip would be the making of him, or maybe it would be a total disaster.

In my experience, and obviously all children are different, things are often the “making of” them when whatever a parent is hoping the child will overcome is something under the child’s control. If he was just a bit immature, I would heartily agree with him going. But he’s not - he has a medical condition, it’s causing him emotional turmoil, and he can’t calm down in normal situations and needed his da to take him home. It would be a bit like hoping such a trip was the “making of” a child with irritable bowel syndrome or arthritis; they’re ill, not falling behind their peers socially by choice. Once children feel secure enough about their medical condition, I think the things you’re worried about (wobbly emotions, lack of coping, lack of confidence, difficulty making friends) will be easier for them to handle naturally.

The best plan, in my opinion, is perhaps (if it won’t cause you to lose money) to leave the decision as long as possible so that you can determine how he does at developing coping strategies, and start working with him on coping strategies immediately. If you have a year until the trip, this could be fine. But if you need to commit right now, it’s non-refundable, and the trip is perhaps during spring holidays, I would say no.

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 04:37

@5YearsLeft yes he’s still got delayed puberty and yes I know what you are referring to and you are right and it’s definitely one of my big concerns.

I have already told the school he is wobbly about going & they have said they might be able to get money back. The trip is at Easter so not that long away.

I am going to talk to him today about it!

OP posts:
Autumnisclose · 30/12/2022 05:06

Great post @5yearsleft. Compassionate and spot on.

If it were me, and if I could afford to lose the money I'd leave it as long as possible before deciding.

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 05:10

@Autumnisclose the post by @5YearsLeft has really vocalised one of my biggest concerns and that is the physical differences that the delayed puberty brings.

Its made me think even more that we should pull him off the trip. He’s starting a self esteem course in January which will help but he’s so self conscious of how he is physically different, I think we might be better calling it soon.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 30/12/2022 05:23

Does he spend significant time with friends without you around? Go for sleep overs or day trips where he’s had to cope with getting up set and staying in the situation? Do you have to go into school to help him when he gets upset?

It’s possible you see more of his being upset and seemingly unable to cope without you because being upset and having you comfort him is part of the way he relates to you and when you aren’t their he uses other tactics for coping with his feelings. This isn’t a bad thing - I’m not trying to criticise him relying on you when you’re there. I’m just pointing out that our children act differently around us than they act when we aren’t there and he may already have the tools for dealing with this without you.

Jaybird43 · 30/12/2022 05:24

Ah bless him! What about speaking with the school to see if there can be a bit of extra support for him on the trip? For instance, can he take a mobile with him to call you? Have someone (teacher for instance) he can use to rely on if he’s feeling particularly off? That might give him a safety net he needs if he is feeling emotional and vulnerable. He may feel more left out by not going, so I would definitely try and see what can be done to facilitate him going, whilst giving him the emotional support he needs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2022 05:34

I take it you’re pretty much paid up. Tbh, I think I would try to wait a while. If this course helps your ds, he may become resilient to cope. Idk if the consultant can predict changes. Is there a chance he could go into puberty in the next few months?

I have a yr10 dd. She would be so full of anger towards me if I made this call and things resolved themselves so I’m looking at it from that angle too as your ds needs to have a good and supportive relationship with you.

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 05:42

@Mummyoflittledragon unfortunately the physical changes just aren’t likely to happen that fast. He’s probably Tanner stage 2 at the moment so early on in a process that isn’t going to resolve in a few months (trip is Easter hols).

If we do decide to pull the trip, we have a few more payments left and could likely get some of the money back esp if we say its for medical reasons.

Am going to have a good chat to him today.

@NumberTheory he does go on sleepovers but there have been a couple of occasions recently where I have had to go & collect him as he’s got very upset but hidden it by saying he feels unwell & then burst into tears as soon as he’s in the car.

Hes just got a lot going on & I do feel I think that as his parents we do need to try and walk that line between letting him mature but also acknowledge that he’s not emotionally mature enough yet to make a decision on this & that we need to protect him a bit too.

God it’s hard tho 😫

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 30/12/2022 05:50

he does go on sleepovers but there have been a couple of occasions recently where I have had to go & collect him as he’s got very upset but hidden it by saying he feels unwell & then burst into tears as soon as he’s in the car.

That would tend add weight to the idea of canceling (IMO).

It really is hard to know what to do for the best. I can see why it feels high stakes. Do try to remember, for your own sake, that good parenting isn’t made or broken by one choice. Whatever you decide here, it’s only a part of his journey through this.