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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To withdraw DS from overseas school trip?

94 replies

Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 02:54

DS 15 is going through a difficult time emotionally - he’s very immature for his age (due to delayed puberty) and cries at the slightest thing. He doesn’t feel like he fits in anywhere & is just having an amplified shit teenage time.

Hes meant to be going on an overseas school trip in the spring & I am very worried about it. On the one hand, I was taking the approach that it might be the making of him & really help him to mature, develop resilience and make friends etc.

Yesterday we were out with friends and one comment (which wasn’t meant in a mean way) set him off in floods of tears & his Dad had to take him home as he refused to stay out.

So I am really very concerned about him being in another country for a week & something happening without us there to support him too.

WWYD? Aibu unreasonable to be worried as he’s so emotionally all over the place or should we just take the view that it will develop his resilience & be good for him?

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 30/12/2022 09:26

I would cancel the trip. Given the sleepover issues. It is unfortunate but it isn't the right time for him.

After his treatment and building up his resilience then I would organise a trip

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 09:26

@Tempyname yes I think that’s what we are going to do. He said to me that he hoped he would have grown a bit by then but he hasn’t so isn’t very keen to go as he’s so self conscious. I think we just need to focus on other stuff at the moment!

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/12/2022 09:27

Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 03:09

@MrsTerryPratchett yes he wants to go most of the time but then he wobbles too. I mean the trip will be great in terms of an experience and hopefully full enough for him to not think about other stuff but it literally takes nothing to set him off too

My much younger DD is like that currently, ND struggling with anxiety. She had a great experience going away to camp, but that was only 6 hours drive away not overseas. She was scared about going but wanted to go. I think YWNBU to withdraw him after talking to him about what he wants. He may take withdrawing badly, it can be very much a no win situation when they're struggling like this.

NeedToChangeName · 30/12/2022 09:28

atoxk · 30/12/2022 03:58

It might well be the making of him. But if you don't think he will have fun then don't do it. Just coping is hard and scary but thriving and having a great time is invaluable x

Show quote history

@atoxk "Just coping is hard and scary"

Or, if he finds it hard and scary, but he does cope, that could be a huge confidence boost for him, and reduce anxiety next time he's feeling a bit out of his depth

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/12/2022 09:35

Can you afford to wait and risk not getting the money back? Having read 5yearsleft's post I think I'd either wait till last minute if we could afford that or pull him out now. If waiting I'd let him know you were 100% happy for him to decide he's not going any time, that may ease his mind a little.

shreddies · 30/12/2022 09:36

Poor kid. I agree with others, sounds very stressful and the possibility of a CV horrible confidence damaging experience is relatively high

WinterFoxes · 30/12/2022 09:36

I also agree that bullying when away from home could be disastrous. That happened to my neurodiverse son on his yr 6 trip and again oin his yr 7 bonding at new school trip. Had the opposite effect and isolated him. At this stage, wiht difficult things to contend with, make sure he feels as secure as he can, and pick the pressures he has to face carefully.

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 09:43

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons no, we have to call it now I think before paying any more money and to try and recover some of what we have already paid. He was worrying about us losing money and so didn’t mention his concerns to us but have had a chat this morning & he’s definitely relieved that we can withdraw him!

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 30/12/2022 09:54

@Letshaveablackcelebration22 I think that’s the right decision.

Just to give you some confidence in the future a young man I know well was very growth delayed and had a very late puberty. It was very hard and he was excluded from many situations (possibly self excluded to some extent) when he looked easily 5 years younger than his actual age.

Puberty did come, he started uni with very little experience of having any normal teen social life and has thrown himself into it head first and has thrived. It’s wonderful to see.

You sound great. Keep supporting him through this difficult time and he’ll get there in his own time. He may or may not become a party animal but he should feel comfortable in his own skin.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2022 09:57

Bless him. I’m so glad you’ve sorted it and hope that the consultant can help you further with your ds.

SnowlayRoundabout · 30/12/2022 09:58

Sounds like the right decision.

As a separate matter, is there anything you can do to speed up his treatment, e.g. going private?

FusionChefGeoff · 30/12/2022 09:58

@NumberTheory

Do try to remember, for your own sake, that good parenting isn’t made or broken by one choice. Whatever you decide here, it’s only a part of his journey through this.*
*
What compassionate advice Flowers and such a good thing for any parent to hear when weighing up any one of the million decisions we make!

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 10:06

@SnowlayRoundabout the consultant wants to wait a bit longer but he’s having a load of bloods done in a few weeks to check hormone levels etc - she has said we can start testosterone if he really wants to but it’s a big decision too as it would be 18 months of monthly injections. I think they’d rather see if things progress first

OP posts:
gogohmm · 30/12/2022 10:08

It's tough isn't it. Completely different circumstances but we are sending dd on a 2 week trip (music related) hoping she will gain vital skills from it, a lady from the admin team is going and is aware of her sn's. It's a bit of a risk but we feel she needs to try these things to gain life skills, she's older though.

I'm from a "tough love" philosophy I suppose so I would encourage him to go, do fully disclose medically that he has an issue so he ca. have suitable privacy

Maray1967 · 30/12/2022 10:19

He’s clear that he doesn’t want to go - I think that’s right, having overheard conversations between boys of that age. One memorable one was at DS1’s 13th birthday sleepover- heard them discussing how to measure penis length- not in a smutty way, but clearly in a curious way. If he is noticeably physically different and there is just one thoughtless boy in his room, this will not go well.

Id book a family trip at the same time as you mention and if he wants to he can always tell his mates he needs to drop out so he can go with you as he really wants to go to X place and there’s a reason why you have to go on those dates etc
I hope things work out well for him.

CornflakeKerry · 30/12/2022 10:39

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Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 11:56

@CornflakeKerry i don’t think we are ‘coddling’ him to be honest- we are trying to support him through a really difficult time in the best way we know how and at the moment that includes situations that might make things worse. He already feels like a freak because he’s still so small.

OP posts:
CornflakeKerry · 30/12/2022 12:01

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TightFistedWozerk · 30/12/2022 12:04

Hiya OP you seem very switched on, in tune with your lad. I would suggest that even IF you don't get money back, you don't let on to him, so he doesn't carry guilt about costing his parents money. As far as he is concerned the decision to go/to not go is made with him, purely on what is best for him with no mention of the money involved/poss loss to the family purse.

Good luck, and best wishes.

shreddies · 30/12/2022 12:06

Good advice from @TightFistedWozerk

You sound like brilliant parents who are really in tune with your DS

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 12:11

@CornflakeKerry how do you know his reactions aren’t normal? He’s a sensitive kid yes but some kids are. He’s finding the stuff at the moment extremely difficult - he also plays footy in a team, goes out with his mates and does normal stuff. But anything to do with looking young or feeling different upsets him.

OP posts:
TightFistedWozerk · 30/12/2022 12:15

OP you don't need to keep responding to Kerry's interrogations, it is ok to ignore further intrusive questions.

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 12:18

Thanks @TightFistedWozerk xx

OP posts:
CornflakeKerry · 30/12/2022 12:19

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TightFistedWozerk · 30/12/2022 12:22

Kerry, that's enough now, stop it please. You are pestering the OP with your intrusive haranguing. It is not BBC question time. Thank you.

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