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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To withdraw DS from overseas school trip?

94 replies

Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 02:54

DS 15 is going through a difficult time emotionally - he’s very immature for his age (due to delayed puberty) and cries at the slightest thing. He doesn’t feel like he fits in anywhere & is just having an amplified shit teenage time.

Hes meant to be going on an overseas school trip in the spring & I am very worried about it. On the one hand, I was taking the approach that it might be the making of him & really help him to mature, develop resilience and make friends etc.

Yesterday we were out with friends and one comment (which wasn’t meant in a mean way) set him off in floods of tears & his Dad had to take him home as he refused to stay out.

So I am really very concerned about him being in another country for a week & something happening without us there to support him too.

WWYD? Aibu unreasonable to be worried as he’s so emotionally all over the place or should we just take the view that it will develop his resilience & be good for him?

OP posts:

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/12/2022 06:52

There will be other school trips. I'd withdraw.

Toocooltoboogie · 30/12/2022 07:17

Another vote for withdrawing. It doesn't sound like the right time for this step and as others have said there will be other school trips. Some posters are homing in on the maturity angle but It's a medical condition that is greatly effecting him. I hope things improve for you son - you sound like fantastic parents.

letsgetbackto2019 · 30/12/2022 07:28

Withdraw. The risk of bullying is too high in these circumstances and I don't personally believe in the making/resilience bullshit.

Newuser82 · 30/12/2022 07:28

When is the trip? Do you have the means to look into counselling for him in the meantime. It may help? Otherwise I think I'd let him decide if he goes or not but I'd agree from your posts he may struggle at the moment.

UmbilicusProfundus · 30/12/2022 07:31

Yes it sounds like withdrawing might be the best option in a difficult choice.

However I don’t think he is more at risk of other boys noticing he is different than a typical school day. At school presumably there are big communal changing rooms for sports where it is much harder to be discrete than when sharing a room in a hotel or a small dorm room.

MintJulia · 30/12/2022 07:34

Judgyjudgy · 30/12/2022 03:26

I think if he wants to go, then let him it will probably be good for him. If anything he may feel more left out if everyone goes and he doesn't. Perhaps give the teacher a heads up too

This

FurAndFeathers · 30/12/2022 07:41

Make sure you’ve got decent travel insurance so you can withdraw without a financial hit nearer the time but honestly if he can’t cope with sleepovers and us physically very delayed I think sending him will place a lot of stress on him and his teachers.

Can you arrange an alternative treat for that week at home? I expect he wants to go because he desperately wants to fit in and be ‘normal’ rather than because he actually wants the reality of the trip experience

confusedlots · 30/12/2022 07:41

I think the more that you show you're worried about it and suggesting that he's not capable of coping with the trip, the more he will believe that and it will knock his self esteem even more.

Talk to him about situations that might arise and how he could deal with him, believe in him and build his self confidence and he'll be capable of so much more.

If he said he really didn't want to go then I'd consider pulling him out, but sounds like he wants to go and needs you to believe in him

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2022 07:46

From what you’ve said about money, sleepovers and no bodily changes likely, withdrawing does seem like the obvious choices.

If you withdraw, can you go on a family holiday instead? Or if you don’t, extreme as it is, can you stay somewhere local to your ds in case he needs you?

LetItGoHome · 30/12/2022 07:54

The school (teachers)should be supporting all children with medical conditions. Simple.

Adjustments need to be made by the school to enable him to do whatever his peers are doing. So if that's privacy whilst changing/washing, sharing a room with trusted sensible friends or having regular quiet times or a trusted adult to touch base with regularly. (Or whatever it is he needs). Then so be it. Teachers are in loco parentis whilst looking after your child. It is their job to enable this to happen. If they are not being supportive then they need telling!

I would say it is a choice that ultimately needs to be made by you and your son. But if the school are not making adjustments to accommodate your son's needs and doing their up most to make him feel comfortable then that is discrimination. Which they simply can't do.

SnackyOnassis · 30/12/2022 07:56

You sound like wonderful parents, OP. Your son has got a mountain to climb and it must be such a relief to him that you're on his side and supporting him all the way; of course while the issues are still front and centre that's not going to be his focus but when he's an adult he will feel so secure in your love and unwavering support.
I think withdrawing, but doing it in favour of another family trip at the same time would be the best option - something he'd really enjoy which will help him cope with the feelings of having missed out when he's back at school and everyone is talking about their trip, but that reduces the pressure for him. Something that doesn't involve him having to get his body out, so maybe a cold weather trip rather than a warm weather one - if it's affordable, somewhere like Iceland, Norway or similar. Lots to see and do, very polite locals who aren't likely to offend him and not much chance of him having to get his kit off!

Notanotherusername4321 · 30/12/2022 08:04

Make sure you’ve got decent travel insurance so you can withdraw without a financial hit nearer the time

insurance won’t pay out if you choose not to go 🙄.

SoSweetAndSalty · 30/12/2022 08:36

You sounds like a great Mum. There are lots of helpful replies on this thread.
I think finding out what your options are about refunds etc would be a good start. If it makes no odds when you cancel then that might mean you don't need to do anything for a while.

I really feel for your lad. I hope everything works out ok for him.

LlynTegid · 30/12/2022 08:40

I think it depends on the trip. Skiing for example I'd cancel now.

Hope the support you refer to makes a difference.

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 30/12/2022 08:42

Just from another angle....I begged my parents* to go on a week long trip to France in year 8 of high school (pre mobile phones) and my one and only friend dropped out! It was the most miserable week of my life, I was incessantly bullied by the older more popular kids including them stealing my things and damaging my property.
My point is, it did not build *resilience in me at all, it just meant I spent the rest of the summer holidays dreading going back to school and seeing those kids again.....absolutely no surprise that the bullying started up the day I returned to school - only this time they had more 'private' information to pick at, such as my period leaking through in the night onto my bed or that my underwear was 'embarrassing'.
Resilience came for me after I left school at got a job at 16, I finally found self worth in earning a living with like minded more mature people.
My point is, if your son is not going on this trip with a group of well established friends then I wouldn't let him go, resilience can come later when his medical condition has been resolved.

pompomdaisy · 30/12/2022 08:47

My daughter developed panic disorder but she wanted to go on the school's ski trip. She had a couple of panic episodes there but she is so glad she did it.

EmilyEmmabob · 30/12/2022 08:48

I'm sorry your DS is struggling, I just wanted to say what a supportive and lovely mum you sound. I'd withdraw, it's going to be a stressful run up even if the trip itself goes well and this will be awful for all of you. School trips abroad are only fun if the child is ready for it and it doesn't sound like DS is.

Tiredalwaystired · 30/12/2022 09:12

My teen is similar. But I’ve realised over the years she copes with things so much better if I’m not there to use as a crutch.

She had a great time on her school trip despite admitting to having a few moments and coped when it was hard. She basically needs to learn resilience even though it goes against every protective bone in my body.

Original poster

Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 09:13

Well I have spoken to him and he said he’s been worrying about it too and didn’t want us to lose money but is worried about going.

So I will email the school next week and see what the options are for getting some of the money back & if so, will try and do a few days on a city break in Europe instead.

Thanks for all your help - really helped me clarify what to do and had been up all night worrying about him & it all xx

OP posts:

MissOldCadburys · 30/12/2022 09:15

You know your son best, I'd be worried about him wanting to come home while being overseas.
Would be good to sit down and have a serious chat with him about your concerns and him coping being by himself away from home.
I feel for him, it's hard enough being a teenager but it sounds like he's struggling with some self esteem issues perhaps and maybe depression? Might be worse seeing a doctor or counselling to deal with his mood swings and get to the bottom of these emotional outbursts.

Original poster

Letshaveablackcelebration22 · 30/12/2022 09:17

@MissOldCadburys yes, just cross posted with you- he doesn’t want to go but hadn’t wanted to say anything as he was worried we’ll lose money but will contact school next week to try and sort that

OP posts:

MissOldCadburys · 30/12/2022 09:17

Ah sounds like he doesn't really want to go then maybe now is not the right time?
I would say if he's fretting then what you've suggested sounds a good compromise.

cansu · 30/12/2022 09:19

Letitgohome

There may not be an option to have his own room due to cost and space. Even if there was most of the fun is about sharing. How would the OP son explain or feel being the only one on his own.
Being with supportive friends is a given. Most kids choose who to share with on these trips.
Having someone to go to is fine. It is also normal and hardly something the teachers will not facilitate.

It is therefore hard to see what on earth you are taking about.

MissOldCadburys · 30/12/2022 09:19

Lol cross posted again.

Ah bless glad it's all sorted.

Tempyname · 30/12/2022 09:24

I’d withdraw, this is a bit more than just needing to build resilience. You could go for a few days as you say, to Europe, instead and give him some responsibilities such as planning one whole day of the trip.

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