Men in women’s spaces

[BrightSaturn]

Just using this to rant really…

2 times in the past month I have encountered men in women only spaces.

1. I went to a feeding room to breastfeed my daughter in a shopping centre. I walked in and there were two young women in there changing their babies and one of their boyfriends just taking up one of the only chairs just sitting there, sitting using his phone. It’s a small room with 3 chairs in. I didn’t know what to do so I thought I’ll just sit down and get ready slowly and hopefully they’ll leave. I have fed in public but this was a small room so I felt vulnerable and like he shouldn’t be there and I didn’t want to lift my top up whilst he was sitting basically opposite me so I eventually asked if he could leave the room, they looked annoyed but thankfully he did go, after she looked at him and said “it’s up to you”…
2. I went into a changing room in a shop the other day with my mum, imagine a big room with seats in the middle and curtained dividers all round the outside. My mum was only trying on cardigans so really she just needed a mirror but in the middle on a seat was a boy about 17/18 years old. His girlfriend was trying on clothes. I couldn’t believe it! It wasn’t even doors on the changing rooms, just curtains. Why he thought this was acceptable I have no idea. Again I felt vulnerable and this time I didn’t have the confidence to ask him to leave. If my mum had been actually changing I would have probably found a shop assistant but still it’s not fair that we have to ask them to leave, he should not have been there in the first place!

aibu to think women’s spaces are being invaded more and more? How can we stop this from happening?

Again, unless you know what shopping Center the OP is talking about you don’t know that, and can’t say with any certainty.

Most family and feeding rooms are very new, they weren’t rebranded from anything

Hello, do I not exist?
What part of Manchester Arndale doesn't tick your ridiculously narrow attributes?
Large Shopping centre - ✅
UK - ✅
Recent times - ✅

And besides, why can't we just believe the OP when she claims its a breastfeeding area, instead of nitpicking everything? They do exist.

They are woefully scarce but I remember 3 Years ago when I was breastfeeding, finding one in Next in the Manchester Arndale. It had a general feeding and changing area, then a separate more private room for breastfeeding. They do exist but sadly have never been common.

There are dedicated breastfeeding rooms in hospitals and shopping centres but unfortunately they're difficult find and now, it appears, colonised.

Women have spent a lot of time fixing things for ourselves, when our needs have differed from the norm (male needs)
Sports, safe spaces, birth control etc etc
I'm sorry but it's their thing to solve. This time it's them that need to deviate from the norm. Because it WAS the norm 20/30 years ago or whatever, it was nearly always women doing the baby rearing

Why are no men speaking up and saying "I find this uncomfortable" or "I don't like to think I'm making women feel uncomfortable, let's try to have somewhere where us dads would feel happy and everyone's comfortable".

Things have changed, dad's are more involved. And women don't like having their breasts out in front of men they don't know. Overwhelmingly.

We've fought for crap stuff that affected only our sex. They can do the same.

Well spotted IAmWoman 😂 What are the chances of that! And arriving with a nice does of ageism as well.

Some threads are like catnip to misogynists .

@CoralreefBex Just what benefit is it to the father to be there while his partner is breastfeeding?
What's active role is he taking? Holding the baby? Holding the breast?
There is no benefit to anyone with him being there.
How does the mother cope when he's at work and she needs to feed the baby!

It is using a space for something for which it isn't intended. Otherwise couldn't a gang of teenage lads go & hang out in there if they feel like it, seeing as it's for anyone! And I think it's etiquette not to have phones (with potential recording devices out) while women are in a vulnerable state.

Exactly, you're not allowed phones out if you're spectating at a swimming pool, or even soft play because of recording devices and photographic devices. So why should this be any different?

Maybe the father is there to judge how well the boob is working? And other boobs while he is at it, eh @CoralreefBex ??

No, the feeding rooms have never been women only spaces.

Not sure, you’d have to ask the mother. From being on here some women find support valuable in the early days and many needed their partners to encourage latching, massaging breasts or fetching heating pads to help with pain.

Just because you didn’t find something valuable, or didn’t need something doesn’t mean no woman does.

some women don’t cope when partners go back to work.

It’s not up to you to police how people use a space they’re entitled to use, I personally think it’s a bit of a piss take for parents with 10 year olds to use parent and child spaces, but many shops specifically state they’re for children up to 12 so guess what, I get over it. That’s what you need to do with this.

Mine was, though I had had an EMCS and was extremely ill with sepsis so was useless at doing anything for DS. Midwives could take ½hour to answer the bell, or just not at all. They were all rushed off their feet and unable to care for me or DS.

You are very misinformed. They always were women only spaces until recently. Read the entire thread and you'll see how wrong you are.

They literally have. I obviously can't speak for every single one that's every existed, but many that I frequented when mine were babies were women only.

The op herself admits in later posts it wasn’t a breastfeeding space…

”it was just a feeding area in a shopping centre. It was a small room with 3 chairs and a shelf type thing and that was it. The John Lewis near me actually has a private room with a lock on the door so I guess that’s for individual use.”

*@CoralreefBex
*
many needed their partners to encourage latching, massaging breasts or fetching heating pads to help with pain.

Are you serious? 😂😂😂
Sorry I've heard it all now, I've just laughed out loud at that!! They needed their partners to massage their breasts?? And the mother would be unable to do this?! 😂

And to encourage latching?? Sorry are they breastfeeding specialists now?? What on earth would they know about latching???? I think most dads wouldn't have the first clue about it!

For the first few weeks of breastfeeding I did need someone else to help me whenever I was feeding. Arranging muslins around, cushions, nipple shields, passing the baby over and taking the baby back after while I sorted myself out. So if I had used a feeding room around that time I would have needed my husband in there yeah, if he's the person I was out with. After the first few weeks I could do it alone but then I would have just done it in public. The sort of women who would use a designated room are also the sort who might need help.

Many BF courses have both partners involved, so yes many do have a good understanding of lactation and latching.

At the BF group I recently joined the health visitor running it actually made a big thing that partners needed to be more actively listening, as most of the women are weeks PP and shouldn’t worry about taking it all in. Even gave them notepads!

You might think most dads have no idea, and that’s a shame really. Many men take an active role in being a parent, including how to best support their partners.

Its not up to you to decide what level of support a woman wants or needs.

Like anyone has the confidence to do this any more. Women are not allowed to have their own spaces or just well exist.

It's an entirely different scenario if a course is actively advertised as being for both sexes. Women can then make an informed decision on whether to be involved and there's a certain amount of gatekeeping taking place in that presumably lone random males who are not parents will not be allowed to register!

I'm not "misinformed". I am talking from experience as a women who used the rooms in the 90s and early 2000s. They never stated that they were women only.

@CoralreefBex Thanks for giving me a good laugh, I really needed that tonight. 😂

A lot of posters here do seem to think dads are useless, it's a shame.

HVs and lactation specialists actively encourage this type of active involvement now as there’s evidence that suggests higher maternal confidence with BF when partners take an active role, even by way of verbal support.

Maybe read the comment I was replying to, they’re claiming men have no idea about lactation so why would women need them there to support.

Many men do know about lactation, after that course my DH knew more about establishing an effective latch than I did since I was a bit spaced out during the class and the follow up one!

I was lucky I didn’t need DH to do much to assist with BF since DS was quite good at doing it all on his own, but I’d not sit here and laugh and claim women who need help to BF in the initial weeks don’t exist.

My kids are teens, but men being with their partners in feeding rooms was pretty normal when mine were newborns.

My husband often came to support me with the eldest, as I'd had a couple of very uncomfortable encounters with women deciding to lecture me on bottle feeding my baby (he was very ill. Bottle feeding kept him alive. But even when telling them that they continued with how I should feed him. I wasn't strong enough to deal with it at that point. He also had very serious reflux so feeding in public when he would projectile vomit wasn't nice for other people)

Laughing at women who need help BF is pretty gross, also as PP said health visitors and other professionals actively encourage partners to be involved with BF as its proven to improve long term feeding rates.