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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband harsh or me too soft?

124 replies

Chickencuddle · 29/12/2022 21:46

So my dd went to a friends house for a few hours today and when she came home I invited the mum in for a bit. My husband wasn't home until late and so thought we could chat and kids were playing. It was dark outside but there's some house lights etc and 2 girls wanted to play on trampoline. I said yes and they were out there very happily playing for a while. Then husband came home early and maybe he wasn't happy the friend was round I don't know but he was in a bad mood I could tell. One of my daughters slipped and fell on trampoline. I was out there when it happened and saw her just slip. She cried so I carried her off. He was going on about how they shouldnt be out in it on the dark, fair enough but he kept saying it in an annoyed voice over and over. Then he shouted my other dd in. He shouted in a very angry way and gave her 10 seconds to get in and shouted that she would lose £5 if she didn't get here. She was panicking with the zip and couldn't open it and shes shouted something like "OK I'm coming just wait" it did have a bit of attitude hut he was shouting.
He then started shouting at her to not speak to him like that and how disrespectful etc. Her friend and my friend were watching all this. After a minute or 2 my friend said they would go.
So they left and 8 knew he would kick off. He said the way she woke was disgusting and if she didn't apologise she won't be going to bed. Also said if she spoke to him like that again she wouldnt be allowed friends over for a month. He said "mummy will back me up" I said I thought he was being a bit harsh. He had told her off for hurting her sister when it wasn't her and shouted her in in a bit of a harsh way and she was reacting to that when she had "back chatted" him
He said 8 couldn't parent and stormed out. Then I went to get her some food in the kitchen and I said what's wrong why did you storm out? He said "well because of you obviously" I said we could talk about it and I might have a different opinion but I'm just trying to talk I'm not saying your wrong or I'm wrong let's just talk. Or that's what I was trying to say but he cut me off halfway and said he couldn't speak to me if I couldn't be reasonable
He spoke to me... I feel anyway... Like a child.
I then dealt with the kids for a bit and he came upstairs to say night and said night and gave hugs to all other kids but not dd. He made a show of how good they are etc but completely ignored her.

OP posts:
BirthThoughts · 29/12/2022 21:48

He sounds like an arse. Not hugging a child goodnight? That's just mean and petty and not the behaviour to be expected of the adult in the room.

Dotcheck · 29/12/2022 21:51

Hw treated you and his daughters terribly in front of guests. Harsh / asshole - take your pick

TofuonToast · 29/12/2022 21:52

What a wanker.

AnnaBanana8 · 29/12/2022 21:52

Goodness me. I would say he over reacted to your daughter, yes. The bit about her attitude and money think he was maybe annoyed at you and took it out on her?
How old are your kids BTW?
It's hard to comment further as if it's an isolated incident, he might just be stressed or not communicating very well but I'd say in this situation he went a bit too far to assert his authority.

Purplechicken207 · 29/12/2022 21:53

Is he always this horrible? I maybe wouldn't have let them play on a trampoline in the dark (injury stats on trampolines are 😳) but I also wouldn't have treated them and you like that at all, even more so in front of others. And certainly never ignore bedtime cuddles etc. Absolutely horrid.
Also, are they his kids? Thought maybe not from the way you worded it and his actions?

LolaSmiles · 29/12/2022 21:55

He's been an arse and a bit harsh. The bedtime cuddles and lack of is mean.

Equally i can see why he'd be annoyed that DC has hurt themselves doing something silly like being on a trampoline in the dark.

You've also undermined him when he's challenged a disrespectful attitude and you've minimised it. That would annoy me if DH did that.

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a proper discussion about boundaries and discipline so you're on the same page as it seems a lot of the conflict between you comes from not being on the same page, which isn't fair on the children.

BenoitBlanc · 29/12/2022 21:55

Wow. He came in like a bear with a sore head and took it out on everyone. Snapping and snarling at the children. Dreadful behaviour and a terrible example to set for your children. Extra awful points for doing it in front of guests too. I hope he's absolutely mortified and extremely apologetic after this.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 29/12/2022 21:56

Imo he is creating teams in your home.. You +dd versus him.
Ask him how he sees his relationship with dd moving forward.
Imo he is a cunt and she will grow to hate him.
You will grow to protect her from his moods and will resent him pretty quickly..your relationship is in jeopardy imo.

Saturdaynoon · 29/12/2022 22:02

Is he normally like this? There are a lot of red flags in his behaviour and language. I wouldn't be worried about the incident itself, but the way he shouted, criticised you and your dd, assumed you would back him up, blamed you and then refused to discuss it further.

And you knew he was going to kick off? This is a repeat pattern?

SkylightSkylight · 29/12/2022 22:03

What an absolute wanker. Idiotic, grumpy wanker could just fuck iff to his mummy's/mates/park bench

BaublesandBangles · 29/12/2022 22:06

Is he always such a bully?

NerrSnerr · 29/12/2022 22:08

Is he always like this? He sounds like a proper arsehole.

SallyWD · 29/12/2022 22:08

That definitely sounds harsh! What's he usually like? If this was a one off I'd put it down to a bad mood and try abd move on. If he's often like this I'd be very unhappy.

Worldpeaceandallthat · 29/12/2022 22:10

He's a complete dick head.

Quartz2208 · 29/12/2022 22:11

I recognise the username - he has now gone into treating his dds in the same abusive way he treats you

and he did it in front of other peopke

amoobaa · 29/12/2022 22:17

Oh OP, that’s awful. Really bad. There’s red flags all over this.

If this is his usual way of behaving, he’s going to completely destroy their ability to have healthy, functional and loving relationships. This is going to be their blue print, their default. They will spend the rest of their lives trying to fix this damage.

How are you? Do you feel like you can leave him if you need to?

I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s not ok and you shouldn’t have to live like this.

Have you told anyone in real life about how he treats you and your children? X

OoooohMatron · 29/12/2022 22:23

He's an arsehole.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 29/12/2022 22:27

What an arsehole. I pray my daughter is never treated this way or ends up with someone like this.

Pallisers · 29/12/2022 22:31

Your daughter's friend most likely will not want to play at your house again.

Your friend is telling her partner about this and is saying "if he is like that in front of me, what must he be like in private"

This isn't right OP. nothing about this is right.

CarrotCake84 · 29/12/2022 22:31

Oh I’ve just read your posting history. It’s clear your husband is not a good man, he’s sexually abusive, an animal abuser and an emotional abuser. Please leave, don’t let your DD’s think this is acceptable behaviour from a man.

Pallisers · 29/12/2022 22:33

I then dealt with the kids for a bit and he came upstairs to say night and said night and gave hugs to all other kids but not dd. He made a show of how good they are etc but completely ignored her.

and this is downright disgusting. Is that dd the eldest by any chance?

Haffiana · 29/12/2022 22:38

So what are you going to do to stop your children being treated like shit by an arsehole, OP?

Your dd has two parents. One of them is an abuser. What about the other one? Facilitator or protector?

LolaSmiles · 29/12/2022 22:39

Given what other posters have said about a posting history, ignore my post OP. It seems this is much bigger than a disagreement over a trampoline.

JustCleaningtheBBQ · 29/12/2022 22:40

OP, I'm glad you have come back to MN, but this moron has been abusing you and your children for years. He will never change and now he's escalating his abuse towards your kids - he's not even trying to hide it in front of your friends.

Womencanlift · 29/12/2022 22:41

Not read your other threads but from your post I thought he was a dick. From the pp’s comments I think he is an arsehole of the highest order

Interesting that he let the mask slip in front of a guest. Most abusers are too careful to do that. This may be your in to confide in someone about what he is like. Could you talk to your friend about his behaviour as a first step to leave for good?

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