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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband harsh or me too soft?

124 replies

Chickencuddle · 29/12/2022 21:46

So my dd went to a friends house for a few hours today and when she came home I invited the mum in for a bit. My husband wasn't home until late and so thought we could chat and kids were playing. It was dark outside but there's some house lights etc and 2 girls wanted to play on trampoline. I said yes and they were out there very happily playing for a while. Then husband came home early and maybe he wasn't happy the friend was round I don't know but he was in a bad mood I could tell. One of my daughters slipped and fell on trampoline. I was out there when it happened and saw her just slip. She cried so I carried her off. He was going on about how they shouldnt be out in it on the dark, fair enough but he kept saying it in an annoyed voice over and over. Then he shouted my other dd in. He shouted in a very angry way and gave her 10 seconds to get in and shouted that she would lose £5 if she didn't get here. She was panicking with the zip and couldn't open it and shes shouted something like "OK I'm coming just wait" it did have a bit of attitude hut he was shouting.
He then started shouting at her to not speak to him like that and how disrespectful etc. Her friend and my friend were watching all this. After a minute or 2 my friend said they would go.
So they left and 8 knew he would kick off. He said the way she woke was disgusting and if she didn't apologise she won't be going to bed. Also said if she spoke to him like that again she wouldnt be allowed friends over for a month. He said "mummy will back me up" I said I thought he was being a bit harsh. He had told her off for hurting her sister when it wasn't her and shouted her in in a bit of a harsh way and she was reacting to that when she had "back chatted" him
He said 8 couldn't parent and stormed out. Then I went to get her some food in the kitchen and I said what's wrong why did you storm out? He said "well because of you obviously" I said we could talk about it and I might have a different opinion but I'm just trying to talk I'm not saying your wrong or I'm wrong let's just talk. Or that's what I was trying to say but he cut me off halfway and said he couldn't speak to me if I couldn't be reasonable
He spoke to me... I feel anyway... Like a child.
I then dealt with the kids for a bit and he came upstairs to say night and said night and gave hugs to all other kids but not dd. He made a show of how good they are etc but completely ignored her.

OP posts:
PartyHelp · 30/12/2022 11:55

@Chickencuddle FFS wake up and protect your children. I realise you are being abused and it is complicated but I am sick of children being caught in the middle of this shit. You are training your kids to think being abused is okay. I hope your friend reports your husband to the police and SS and someone protects those children.

yellowsmileyface · 30/12/2022 11:55

Op we're telling you very clearly he is in the wrong, that he is abusive and you need to leave.

Please get your daughters away from this vile man.

He's got inside your head and convinced you things aren't that bad, that you're at fault, but your post history makes for an incredibly difficult and chilling read.

You have an obligation as a parent to protect your daughters. You can do that by finally leaving him. This needs to be the final straw.

Shoxfordian · 30/12/2022 11:55

He sounds abusive to you and your daughter
How are you going to protect her from him? Bet your friend felt bad for you as well

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 30/12/2022 11:57

Does it sound like I stood back and allowed it? No I spoke up for her and said I thought he was harsh I protected her at my own cost as now he is very angry with me. He has now spoken to dd and she apologised so he is fine with her now.
But still livid with me

I'm sorry I am taking it all in but my brain is screaming different things at me and he's telling me it's all me and 8m the one in the wrong and the "abuse" that's happened since being home again he has said he was sleeping and I don't know if I believe him or not.
I have no family hardly any friends and I'm wanting to do what's best for the kids and I know his family will rail together against me and its only me on my team and I will lose. I Jyst want what's best for the kids. I know you don't believe that but I do and 8 am taking it in but it's notas easy as just reading a message from a stranger and then deciding to leave. No support or friends to talk to. Etc no money house car.
I feel trapped. I don't know what to do yet or how to do it and there's a voice in my head saying I should leave and one telling me I couldn't and i would lose the kids and they are the most important thing to me. Maybe not lose them via courts but in that he has money and family and everything and I have nothing and who would the kids want.
Can't even explain myself but never mind

OP posts:
Haffiana · 30/12/2022 12:03

Stop speaking and start doing. Your posts are full of I said this and he says that - who cares? You are never going to convince him by talking to him. He will NEVER agree with you and he will NEVER change.

You are a MOTHER. You are failing to protect your children. You need to leave him for good. There is plenty of actual, real help available from Womans Aid - but you have to do what they suggest and not carry on talking to your abuser so that you can give up responsibility and do what he says and bury your head in the sand.

Sometimes you have to do the hard thing.

jays · 30/12/2022 12:04

With all the genuine kindness in the world, having looked over your previous posts ( and my heart goes out to you) for the sake of your daughters alone, your brain has to start screaming LEAVE HIM NOW! Op, you know he’s abusing everyone and this is going to damage your children and impact them for the rest of their lives having to live like this, it’s awful. You’ve done all you can do to keep the peace and try and be reasonable, you really have but, as scary as it it, I think you know in your heart that it’s time to go. You and your daughters don’t have to live like this. Leaving will not be worse than staying. Not in the long run.

Haffiana · 30/12/2022 12:05

If you are genuinely worried about losing your children then you need to speak to Social Services and ask for help in protecting them. Or as Women's Aid to do that for you.

PartyHelp · 30/12/2022 12:06
  • Does it sound like I stood back and allowed it? No I spoke up for her and said I thought he was harsh I protected her at my own cost as now he is very angry with me. He has now spoken to dd and she apologised so he is fine with her now. But still livid with me*

I can't believe what I'm reading. Wow well done you op, you supposedly stuck up to him even though it changed nothing and she had to apologise for doing nothing wrong. It's your job to protect your kids especially from the cunt you chose to be her father. Report him to the police for sexual assault, abuse and coercive control. Get some help from women's aid or refuge.

yellowsmileyface · 30/12/2022 12:09

I understand it's not simple or easy to just pick up and leave. I know what it's like to have all these fears about what will happen if you leave. The thing is, these are reasons you're telling yourself to justify not leaving, because leaving is hard and scary.

You need to stop convincing yourself to stay and convince yourself to leave. There is support available. Things will be better in the long run. You'll be doing what's best for your daughters.

JustAJokeLikeOnTopGear · 30/12/2022 12:13

I recognise your name from your other posts. Sometimes posters advice may be hard to relate to when you don’t see it as black and white because you’re have the other more normal moments too.

However, maybe think of it like this - he’s tried and been doing his ‘best.’ But you’re still unhappy and his behaviour is still often unacceptable - if sometimes better than it was. So you’ve tried, it’s not worked and it’s time to call it quits and give you and your children a more predictable environment.

I wish you lots of luck and strength. xx

CornflakeKerry · 30/12/2022 12:14

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Original poster
Chickencuddle · 30/12/2022 12:15

Actually it did do something as this morning he apologised to her for wrongly accusing her. Etc and then got the apology in return. That was because I insisted he was wrong in doing that and that her words were a reaction to his.

OP posts:
NoelleSnowman · 30/12/2022 12:18

Chickencuddle · 30/12/2022 12:15

Actually it did do something as this morning he apologised to her for wrongly accusing her. Etc and then got the apology in return. That was because I insisted he was wrong in doing that and that her words were a reaction to his.

It didn’t do anything. His apology is meaningless.

You can’t abuse someone and then apologise for it and it all be okay.

What message are you sending your children?

PartyHelp · 30/12/2022 12:22

Chickencuddle · 30/12/2022 12:15

Actually it did do something as this morning he apologised to her for wrongly accusing her. Etc and then got the apology in return. That was because I insisted he was wrong in doing that and that her words were a reaction to his.

Well make up your mind because below you said she apologised.
You are tying yourself in knots and trying to convince yourself you are somehow saving your DD from the abuse but you are not.
I realise I'm being very harsh but you need to wake up op. How many people (who are don't know either of you and are only going on what you say) need to tell you he is being abusive. Nobody sexually assaults and abuses people in their sleep, wake up and protect your kids.
I'm not going to comment further because I can't even bear to think about your kids and what they have to deal with on a daily basis.

BlueLabel · 30/12/2022 12:23

I think the point is that your children shouldn't be in the position where they have one parent that has to protect them from the other.

It sounds like you've been to ground down by his abuse you can't see that even where he apologises it for behaviour would never occur in a normal healthy home. Please get back in touch with support services for your sake as well as theirs.

Haffiana · 30/12/2022 12:23

Chickencuddle · 30/12/2022 12:15

Actually it did do something as this morning he apologised to her for wrongly accusing her. Etc and then got the apology in return. That was because I insisted he was wrong in doing that and that her words were a reaction to his.

Yeah. It is what he does to you too, isn't it? Abuse you and say sorry? Rape you and tell you it didn't happen, so that it is OK now?

And then it all happens again and again.

You are failing to protect your children OP. Stop pretending that you are not.

Vegetablesupreme · 30/12/2022 12:30

OP, I too think I remember a recent ish thread you made about him. If I remember rightly, you 2 had split for a while but now he was back living with you and the children...was that right?
To be totally honest, I think this man (abuser) knows exactly what he's doing. He's blaming you (you by the way have done absolutely nothing wrong) to undermine your confidence and get you to doubt yourself. If only you could see him for what he is:An abuser. A rapist. A nasty piece of work who will stop at nothing to have you and the children so scared of him they will let him be and do whatever he wants .
I also understand though how hard it must be to be in your position. To be told so often that it is you who's the problem and so you start to believe it.
Just remember how upset your poor daughter was last night. How much it must have hurt to be completely ignored by her father whilst he made a big fuss of the other (s) with hugs etc. Keep that image at the forefront of your brain and know that it will happen again. Then pleas, please put together a plan to leave and take the children with you.
It seem as though he may have had a hand in isolating you from friends and family but maybe you could knock on your neighbour's door next time he's at work and explain the situation to her in confidence. Maybe she could be your support network whilst carrying out your plan to leave.
I'm so sorry I've not had chance to rtwt if I've repeated anything others have said, I apologise. The other thing I was going to suggest was seeing if you live anywhere near me (in case I could help in person) I'm in south west England. And you?

America12 · 30/12/2022 12:32

@Chickencuddle you have posted continually what an abusive prick your husband is.
He abuses you and your children over and over , yet you're still there.
You are letting your children down. Again.

America12 · 30/12/2022 12:35

Women's Aid , but you've been advised this many many times.

Afterfire · 30/12/2022 12:45

Why do you feel like you’ll lose the kids over money? I actually think you have very poor self esteem and a lack of insight if you think that. That comes from not mixing with enough people, not seeing enough “other” relationships to judge your own by. It’s very typical that abusers isolate their victims slowly over a long period of time because it gives them more power. But what you’re saying isn’t true. It really isn’t. I left my dds dad when she was 6 months old - she’s now 19. He is literally a millionaire, living in the USA, two huge properties, several foreign holidays a year, retired at 42. She absolutely hates him and doesn’t want anything to do with him: she sees him for what he is. And so will your children.

marmaladepop · 30/12/2022 12:54

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Boulshired · 30/12/2022 13:00

What will it take before enough is enough, if he is capable of a prolonged sexual assault asleep how are you children safe.

Merryoldgoat · 30/12/2022 13:08

Look. You are living with an abuser.

Endless threads won’t help OP. You need to leave. That’s it.

You’re teaching your daughters being afraid of someone who is supposed to love you is normal.

You are failing yourself and them.

BarbedButterfly · 30/12/2022 13:35

You are failing your children. I was your daughter once and I have never forgiven my mother for making me live like that. His apology doesn't matter, the damage was already done. Your children are being damaged and will live all their lives with the scars while you lie to yourself that he is a good father. I get you are scared, but you have a responsibility not to make them suffer for your choice to stay with an abuser.

It will get worse when they get older and find their voices more.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 30/12/2022 13:38

Someone was talking to me the other day about losing their temper with their child or being harsh when they are stressed. They call it being human... Is that not the same thing?

OP posts: