Husband harsh or me too soft?

[Chickencuddle]

So my dd went to a friends house for a few hours today and when she came home I invited the mum in for a bit. My husband wasn't home until late and so thought we could chat and kids were playing. It was dark outside but there's some house lights etc and 2 girls wanted to play on trampoline. I said yes and they were out there very happily playing for a while. Then husband came home early and maybe he wasn't happy the friend was round I don't know but he was in a bad mood I could tell. One of my daughters slipped and fell on trampoline. I was out there when it happened and saw her just slip. She cried so I carried her off. He was going on about how they shouldnt be out in it on the dark, fair enough but he kept saying it in an annoyed voice over and over. Then he shouted my other dd in. He shouted in a very angry way and gave her 10 seconds to get in and shouted that she would lose £5 if she didn't get here. She was panicking with the zip and couldn't open it and shes shouted something like "OK I'm coming just wait" it did have a bit of attitude hut he was shouting.
He then started shouting at her to not speak to him like that and how disrespectful etc. Her friend and my friend were watching all this. After a minute or 2 my friend said they would go.
So they left and 8 knew he would kick off. He said the way she woke was disgusting and if she didn't apologise she won't be going to bed. Also said if she spoke to him like that again she wouldnt be allowed friends over for a month. He said "mummy will back me up" I said I thought he was being a bit harsh. He had told her off for hurting her sister when it wasn't her and shouted her in in a bit of a harsh way and she was reacting to that when she had "back chatted" him
He said 8 couldn't parent and stormed out. Then I went to get her some food in the kitchen and I said what's wrong why did you storm out? He said "well because of you obviously" I said we could talk about it and I might have a different opinion but I'm just trying to talk I'm not saying your wrong or I'm wrong let's just talk. Or that's what I was trying to say but he cut me off halfway and said he couldn't speak to me if I couldn't be reasonable
He spoke to me... I feel anyway... Like a child.
I then dealt with the kids for a bit and he came upstairs to say night and said night and gave hugs to all other kids but not dd. He made a show of how good they are etc but completely ignored her.

This.

He treats your children like shit but you passively stand by and ask ‘to talk’. He doesn’t want to talk or to reconcile, he only wants to dictate because that feeds his fucked up toxic ego. The time for talking is over. Tell him to get to fuck and protect your kids.

“Who would the kids want?”

The parent who isn’t abusive.

The one they don’t have to walk on eggshells around.

Hi I’m sending you much love and strength as I’ve read your posts before.

You, your children and your dog are victims of abuse. Please get out of the relationship for all of your sakes.

I’ve been there, it’s grim but it’s better once you are out, I promise. Xx

He sounds like a horrible cunt.

Has he isolated you? It sounds like he was angry you had made a friend and worked immediately to put the kibosh on it and isolate you again. Among other such abuses of you and your daughters.

No. That's like if your kid won't put their coat on and you snap "just put the damn coat on already!"

Your DH is a bully. He hasn't just lost his temper in the heat of the moment, he's going on a power trip and intimidating everyone around him.

If you choose to keep your daughters in this environment throughout their childhood they will hold you accountable for it when they are adults. They are also likely to distance themselves from him when they are old enough to make that decision for themselves, and if you still live with him then they may end up rejecting you too.

I am not trying to be cruel but I want you to be aware of the long term consequences of exposing your children to an abusive father. Someday when they are old enough to choose, will they still want to visit?

Your DH is a bully and your DD is learning that this is normal and how to appease him. When she's older this is the benchmark that she'll judge her relationships against. Is this the type of relationship you want her to accept when she's grown? Because if not, you need to do something about it now.

@Chickencuddle you were directly abused by your dad, your mum was also a part of that as well as your uncle. You were in care as well IIRC. Your brother is also abusive and has his own MH issues.

I don't think you have a balanced view of what a healthy relationship is within a family setting or a relationship with a partner. When you left your husband last time, Womens Aid told you it was abuse.

I do think you need help but I'm not sure if you will finally accept that you deserve the help. You deserve to live with love, you deserve to live with support, you deserve to live with respect. Your children deserve the same so they don't repeat the pattern of abuse.

Give yourself permission to leave and get what you need to break this cycle and give a better future for you and your kids.

Taking all the history out ( and he is really doing a number on your children)

no it isn’t - snapping/losing it when the situation is stressful (it was calm before he turned up) children not listening to you (they were) and properly feeling remorse afterwards (he didn’t) is normsl

this abusive power play isn’t

I am sure your excuse before was the children weren’t affected they are

you need proper professional support I would have safeguarding concerns

Chickencuddle I search your name on here every week to see if you've posted anything new because I worry about you & your kids. I'm a stranger on the internet & I worry about you!

I get that you have a nice house that you don't want to leave & you look like a perfect family on the outside but you don't have a perfect family, your family are being abused. I know you wanted a nice Christmas (your words) & you didn't want to ruin it for your kids. I know that leaving him & going to the refuge Christmas week 2 years ago wasn't nice & it was easier for you to bring the kids back to your nice cosy house & their great dad but he's not a great dad is he? This post proves that so this should be your last straw. You think nobody will believe you but there was a witness to this behaviour. Your afraid to leave them alone with him if he gets custody, why is that?

You know you need to get rid of him, enough is enough. You can do this, let 2023 be the start of your life with your kids & your freedom from this narcissistic disgusting rapist.

Come on chickencuddle, you can do this

Get imout of my head. I was thinking the same thing.

Also people break up from their husbands everyday because they just aren't happy. You don't have to be an abuse victim to end your marriage. You don't have to tell people or justify it to anyone. It's nobody's business. Don't be worrying about what people think. You will know why and that's all that matters

So he comes home in a mood, takes it out on his family and embarrasses them infront of guests? And to top being a prized prick he acts like a Wanker to his child?

You were in the right to defend your child. He was bang out of order the entire time.
Do not let it continue.

Her friend and my friend were watching all this. After a minute or 2 my friend said they would go.

This is why you don't have friends around you. They don't want their kids to witness things like that. They will appear when it's safe and he is out of the picture.

What you are doing now is you are teaching your kids this is a normal way to live. They will soon alo not have friends because most parents safeguard

The way your OP is written suggests that this side of him is neither unexpected or a one off. This maybe the ‘first’ it’s been in front of other people and therefore less easily forgotten but it sounds like he thinks of himself as being the ‘big I am’.

Its difficult to advise in this situation because I think that this is who he is and he won’t be open to feedback. I do recommend that you stand your ground and call out his poor behaviour. Your H is a bully and the lessons that he and you are teaching your girls is that this is how men behave.

You did nothing wrong. He was a dick.

No. Not the way he treats you.

@Chickencuddle why don't you answer why you won't leave ?

This is the crux of it I'm afraid OP.

These poor girls.

Utterly horrified by your other threads. You have got to fucking leave.

"Someone was talking to me the other day about losing their temper with their child or being harsh when they are stressed. They call it being human... Is that not the same thing?"

No it's not. They were probably trying to reassure the person who got stressed since they are generally a decent human being.

Your husband abuses you and the children, beats up your animals, rapes and sexually assaults you, threatens and hurts your children and does it in full view of other people. He's terrifying and dangerous and you have to get the children away from him if you can't just do it for yourself.

Fuck him, fuck his family, fuck everything. Just get them away from him. He's horrid.

OP you need to leave this man. There is nothing we can say, and nothing you can do that will change his behaviour. He's an abuser, a bully and he is now targetting one of your children. Please protect your children and leave.

I was 4 or 5 when my mom met my adopted father. They had 2 children together (latter a third). Once when I was about 12, Mom asked me to get Dad and when I went outside with sister he said something not nice about it. He came in and accused me of telling what he said. I didn't say anything, my sister did. He apologized, but I'm 66 and still remember it. He never did it again.

@Chickencuddle how are you? Thinking of you and hope you and your kids are doing well <3