Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband harsh or me too soft?

124 replies

Chickencuddle · 29/12/2022 21:46

So my dd went to a friends house for a few hours today and when she came home I invited the mum in for a bit. My husband wasn't home until late and so thought we could chat and kids were playing. It was dark outside but there's some house lights etc and 2 girls wanted to play on trampoline. I said yes and they were out there very happily playing for a while. Then husband came home early and maybe he wasn't happy the friend was round I don't know but he was in a bad mood I could tell. One of my daughters slipped and fell on trampoline. I was out there when it happened and saw her just slip. She cried so I carried her off. He was going on about how they shouldnt be out in it on the dark, fair enough but he kept saying it in an annoyed voice over and over. Then he shouted my other dd in. He shouted in a very angry way and gave her 10 seconds to get in and shouted that she would lose £5 if she didn't get here. She was panicking with the zip and couldn't open it and shes shouted something like "OK I'm coming just wait" it did have a bit of attitude hut he was shouting.
He then started shouting at her to not speak to him like that and how disrespectful etc. Her friend and my friend were watching all this. After a minute or 2 my friend said they would go.
So they left and 8 knew he would kick off. He said the way she woke was disgusting and if she didn't apologise she won't be going to bed. Also said if she spoke to him like that again she wouldnt be allowed friends over for a month. He said "mummy will back me up" I said I thought he was being a bit harsh. He had told her off for hurting her sister when it wasn't her and shouted her in in a bit of a harsh way and she was reacting to that when she had "back chatted" him
He said 8 couldn't parent and stormed out. Then I went to get her some food in the kitchen and I said what's wrong why did you storm out? He said "well because of you obviously" I said we could talk about it and I might have a different opinion but I'm just trying to talk I'm not saying your wrong or I'm wrong let's just talk. Or that's what I was trying to say but he cut me off halfway and said he couldn't speak to me if I couldn't be reasonable
He spoke to me... I feel anyway... Like a child.
I then dealt with the kids for a bit and he came upstairs to say night and said night and gave hugs to all other kids but not dd. He made a show of how good they are etc but completely ignored her.

OP posts:
jays · 30/12/2022 10:57

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 29/12/2022 21:56

Imo he is creating teams in your home.. You +dd versus him.
Ask him how he sees his relationship with dd moving forward.
Imo he is a cunt and she will grow to hate him.
You will grow to protect her from his moods and will resent him pretty quickly..your relationship is in jeopardy imo.

100% this. And I speak from bitter experience. Not to if your dd good night whilst making a show of hugging the others is disgusting. It’s absolutely vile, I couldn’t go near a man like that. This honestly doesn’t bode well for down the line. He’s cruel.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/12/2022 11:00

Even without searching your other threads it’s obvious that he’s a nasty bully. Your dc should not be exposed to this.

I understand you’ve had a difficult past but can you really not try and think about what this is doing to your dc? This man will not change and you are allowing him to damage their self esteem (unintentionally, I know but the effects will be the same). Please, please put them first and leave.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 30/12/2022 11:05

I think the way to get a handle on this is to think what your friend would be saying about him now as she witnessed his horrible behaviour. You are in the fishbowl but she is not

SleeplessInEngland · 30/12/2022 11:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yes, we'll get another thread with another incident in a few weeks.

CornflakeKerry · 30/12/2022 11:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sonyrecording · 30/12/2022 11:12

Yes you need to say something. As you already know from your previous threads. Protect your children.

MerlinsButler · 30/12/2022 11:16

@Chickencuddle I'm so sorry this has happened to you again. I remember your previous threads and I hoped you were in a better place.

Please read your old threads.

Your husband has sexually assaulted you numerous times. He is abusive to you. He has been abusive to your dog and now he has moved on to be abusive to your dd. He is escalating his abusive practices because he knows he can. .

I know you've previously said you don't feel like your situation is worthy of a refuge but please speak to someone about this. previous posters have posted links that can help you. Please speak to someone before the situation worsens.

I actually hope your friend reports this incident as it may help to shed light on the situation.

But mostly I hope you find the strength to act now and protect yourself and your children from him.

Boulshired · 30/12/2022 11:22

You need to remove yourself and your feelings from the dynamics as he has manipulated you and instead focus on your children protection. He is a raping abusive aresehole who should not be within ten feet of your children. I feel rather sick inside. You are stronger than you know

BlueLabel · 30/12/2022 11:29

@Chickencuddle He has started to abuse your daughters as well now. In previous threads you felt his behaviour to you wasn't serious enough to leave but please consider that your children are now targets of his anger and control as well and they (also) deserve better than this.

Soubriquet · 30/12/2022 11:29

I’ve just read your previous threads.

You need to leave him. He is a full out abuser.

Just because he doesn’t psychically hit you (yet), doesn’t mean he is not an abuser.

Leave him

BabyOnBoard90 · 30/12/2022 11:38

YABU. You've posited yourself as victim but children trampolining in the dark, injury etc.

ThePuddingBear · 30/12/2022 11:41

This is fear based parenting and it’s abusive. I absolutely would not be allowing that.

CornflakeKerry · 30/12/2022 11:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Climbles · 30/12/2022 11:47

He humiliated you and DD in front of the other Mum and friend to alienate you both. He’s acting annoyed so you can’t pull him up on his behaviour.

Original poster
Chickencuddle · 30/12/2022 11:47

It wasn't about that I accept that was a poor decision. But it was how he spoke to dd and how he treated her after 8m not the victim here but 8 was wondering if she was.
This morning I asked to talk he said he is livid with me and dd and waiting fdor an apology. He took away the tablet etc until she can treat him with respect.
He said I don't work as a team and that I need to back him up. I've said so many times about working as a team but I talk about things and he shouts and railroads over everyone. I feel like it's his way or the highway.
But maybe I'm wrong? I'm asking for opinions so I'm obviously not sure who is In right or wrong. Or I'm feeling conflicted etc

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/12/2022 11:49

His threats of punishments are too frequent and disproportionate to the behaviour.

Not inside in 10 seconds or lose a fiver? The important thing was she was not bouncing any more and was on her way in. Why does 10 seconds matter? Fining someone a fiver for 10 seconds is ridiculous and not replicated anywhere in real life.

If he didnt apologise she would get sent to bed? Firstly a forced apology is meaningless and again a disproportionate punishment.

If she ever speaks to him again like that (which sounds less aggressive than the way he speaks to her) then no friends for a whole month? So he can speak how he likes because he is an adult but if she copies then she is punished for 4 weeks in a way that's completely unrelated to the behaviour.

And then not giving her a hug is horrible and shows his love is conditional on unrealistically high standards of behaviour. It is purely designed to hurt.

He sounds like an angry nasty man who uses shouting and threats to get his own way, and his kids will likely grow up in fear of him or indifferent to him

CornflakeKerry · 30/12/2022 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OldWivesTale · 30/12/2022 11:49

He's an abusive dickhead and your life would be better without him in it. Set a good example to your children and get rid of him.

NoelleSnowman · 30/12/2022 11:50

I am just absolutely astounded that you would stand back and allow your husband to abuse your children.

Soubriquet · 30/12/2022 11:50

Your dd is a victim yes but so are you.

Get you and her out! Take the dog too

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 30/12/2022 11:51

Why are you feeling conflicted when everyone here is telling you your husband is your and your child's abuser?

No conflict with a rapist. You need to put your children's safety first - even if you do not value your own at least think of them

Limer · 30/12/2022 11:51

I'm asking for opinions

But quite obviously not taking any notice of the hundreds of identical opinions that have already been given over the many months you've been posting.

You are being abused.

Your children are being abused.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 30/12/2022 11:52

And do you know what ? I would go as far as to say you are also the abuser because you allow this

piedbeauty · 30/12/2022 11:53

I hate it when men show they are in a bad mood to guests or friends. It's horrible and controlling.

Your h completely overreacted. What a bully. Is he normally like this? It would be a deal breaker for me.

sussexman · 30/12/2022 11:54

You don't treat children (anyone's children but especially not your own) like that. Having read your previous threads, you also don't treat your partner or animals the way he has.

The behaviour you describe is abusive and criminal pure and simple, both of you and of your family. No one should have to put up with what you describe.

Swipe left for the next trending thread