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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get the tattoo for just my biological children?

94 replies

TattooQuesi · 29/12/2022 20:34

I know there will be plenty of people here who don't like or agree with tattoos and that's fine I'm not asking for personal opinions on tattoos themselves. I've had a few over the years and like them, I want another one which represents mine and DHs children but I don't want to represent DSC in it as they aren't my children.

Was chatting to my mum about it and she thought DH might be bothered, I don't think he'd care (and it's my body anyway!) And I'd think surely no one would expect their partner to include their children from a previous relationship on their tattoo for their DC?

WIBU? (Fwiw it wouldn't have names and would me small and likely just include times of birth for our DC in some way).

OP posts:
Angeldelight81 · 29/12/2022 22:33

imalreadygone · 29/12/2022 22:15

What's wrong with wanting nice photos of your own kids? Presumably the other parent could pay for their kids?

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What was wrong with that was that the father was paying for the photographs of just one set of his kids and not having his other children included in it. Those portraits are over a grand each. He was not happy.

ButterCrackers · 29/12/2022 22:33

Have your biological kids on your tattoo. There mum might not like that you have her biological kids in your tattoo. Get a locket necklace and put all your kids names in that to represents your family

imalreadygone · 29/12/2022 22:35

Angeldelight81 · 29/12/2022 22:33

What was wrong with that was that the father was paying for the photographs of just one set of his kids and not having his other children included in it. Those portraits are over a grand each. He was not happy.

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That's fair enough if he's paying for it.

As a stepmum and a mum if I want to do something for my child then DH can either pay for his or he's not fussed. I'm not doing everything for him.

Angeldelight81 · 29/12/2022 22:41

imalreadygone · 29/12/2022 22:35

That's fair enough if he's paying for it.

As a stepmum and a mum if I want to do something for my child then DH can either pay for his or he's not fussed. I'm not doing everything for him.

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Blimey.
Well they ended up divorced so that attitude didnt end well for her.

Cantthinkofabettername · 29/12/2022 22:41

I’d have just one with my own children on but not any SC - would be a bit weird if you split with their dad after you’d had it done and no longer had anything to do with them.

Theunamedcat · 29/12/2022 22:49

That would be weird to get your step kids tattooed on you I mean.....they have two parents your neither your a "bonus parent" but not the actual parent so yeah weird

Original poster
TattooQuesi · 29/12/2022 22:54

Thanks for replies.

To answer questions, DSC1 is 9 and DSC2 is12.

I'm not keen on the idea of getting something else tattooed to represent stepkids. A tattoo is a big deal, it's on my skin forever, I wouldn't want to get something that didn't have deep personal meaning to me just for the sake of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TattooQuesi · 29/12/2022 22:55

And yes in my mind it would be weirder to include them! I'd think that if some woman got my kids tattooed on her!

OP posts:
ifoundthebread · 29/12/2022 23:03

TattooQuesi · 29/12/2022 22:54

Thanks for replies.

To answer questions, DSC1 is 9 and DSC2 is12.

I'm not keen on the idea of getting something else tattooed to represent stepkids. A tattoo is a big deal, it's on my skin forever, I wouldn't want to get something that didn't have deep personal meaning to me just for the sake of it.

Is there not a favourite colour of theirs you could include? Then they are included but not in a blatant way, then if for what ever reason they leave your life then its just colour. Just to me at 9 and 12 they are old enough to feel the hurt of not being classed as family. And i say that as a hurt step child, not being seen as "real" family in the past, not by my step father but some of his family

Original poster
TattooQuesi · 29/12/2022 23:10

ifoundthebread · 29/12/2022 23:03

Is there not a favourite colour of theirs you could include? Then they are included but not in a blatant way, then if for what ever reason they leave your life then its just colour. Just to me at 9 and 12 they are old enough to feel the hurt of not being classed as family. And i say that as a hurt step child, not being seen as "real" family in the past, not by my step father but some of his family

Show quote history

I don't see it really as a "family" tattoo. I'm not including DH either. It's for my children, not the family as a whole.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 29/12/2022 23:11

No matter how much you love your step-children, you have no real ties to them. If you and your dH split he could remove them from your life. If he were to die, you also might never see them again. Getting a tattoo reminder of potential heartache seems foolish.

Remaker · 29/12/2022 23:22

I don’t think getting your SC names or whatever tattooed on you is a good idea. Relationships end and then you’re unlikely to be in their lives. However I think I’d go for something a bit more general representing loving/parenting/nurturing.

I have to confess I don’t really understand why people tattoo their kids’ names, DOB etc. I know there’s a person walking around that’s part of me, I don’t neeed to write it down on me. As a tribute to someone who has passed away I understand it.

WilsonMilson · 29/12/2022 23:26

Not a fan of tattoos, but I actually think they getting your step kids tattooed on you is really weird and a lot more wtf than just getting your own kids.

Thatboymum · 29/12/2022 23:28

I wouldn’t expect my child’s step mum to get my ds tattooed on her I mean if she did then yeah that’s lovely but if she didn’t then it would still be lovely it’s her body, and I doubt very much ds would care whether she did or didn’t

Yousee · 29/12/2022 23:57

Oh my goodness.
Unless in the eyes of stepchildren and their two actual parents a step parent is seen to be another real Mum/Dad, equal in every way to the originals, it is ludicrous to suggest that the step parent should be the only one of the four people in this scenario carrying on the pretence that a step child is the same as their own child.
I'm so glad my DH, father of DSD and a former step child whose mum tried to pretend her new partner was his dad, respects me as the mother of his three sons.
He got me a triple silver frame for my birthday this year. He got me a necklace with each of our sons actual footprints on for Christmas. Photos of me just with my children exist mainly because he took them.
If I ever got a tattoo, which I've considered as a memorial for stillborn DS2, then there would only be three little people on that too.
If DSD was hurt or damaged by any of this, that would be for her parents to address the underlying issues, not for me to start pretending she's my child because I know for certain I'd be the only one.

BarnacleNora · 30/12/2022 00:05

I'd be seriously weirded out and feel quite....threatened actually if my kids stepmother figure got a tattoo with them included on it. I like that she includes them, I like that they are happy spending time with her, I have no issue with her as a person or a stepmother role. But she is not their mother and in all honesty, doesn't stand an enormous chance of being in my kids' lives forever going by my ex husband's pattern of acquiring and then discarding partners.

Your biological children will always be your biological children. But there are no guarantees with step children as sadly my kids have had to discover as they've said goodbye to various different long term girlfriends/fiancées since their dad left me! That's absolutely not to cast any doubts on your relationship OP, it could be the strongest one in the world but things can happen, relationships can break down and stepchildren can end up no longer in your life.

I think if it's a situation (as one OP mentioned) where a step-parent has been in the child's life since birth or very tiny and done the majority of the raising of that child and is very much viewed as the parental figure because the biological parent isn't on the scene or just barely on the scene then that of course is different (and actually quite a lovely tribute just to make my point of view even more awkward Grin)

But honestly, if it's just a standard, kids live within a co-parenting dynamic and you have them for some of the time and they live with mum the rest of the time then no, don't include them. It would be like a stepmum starting to refer to herself as 'mummy' or inserting herself into parents evening or similar. Your step children don't even need to know about the tattoo or what it actually means. If you don't mention it they probably wouldn't even notice (as long as it's not on your forehead or something Wink)

BabyOnBoard90 · 30/12/2022 00:19

You already share 50% genes with them. Tattoo isn't going to emphasise that relationship

Original poster
TattooQuesi · 30/12/2022 08:38

Haha definitely not on my forehead. Thinking something small on the inside of my wrist.

I wouldn't feel the need to point it out and explain to stepkids but I also wouldn't lie about the meaning either if they noticed and asked. I can't imagine them doing so though tbh.

I don't know why they'd be hurt.

OP posts:
Naunet · 30/12/2022 09:26

I think it’s fine personally. I don’t see why your step kids would be hurt, they know you didn’t give birth to them presumably?! And also, I don’t understand why their feelings need to be protected at all costs, how are kids meant to learn resilience and how to deal with conflict if everyone treads on eggshells around them? They need to learn that other people matter too, it’s a lesson that seems to have been lost since I was a kid.

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