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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get the tattoo for just my biological children?

94 replies

TattooQuesi · 29/12/2022 20:34

I know there will be plenty of people here who don't like or agree with tattoos and that's fine I'm not asking for personal opinions on tattoos themselves. I've had a few over the years and like them, I want another one which represents mine and DHs children but I don't want to represent DSC in it as they aren't my children.

Was chatting to my mum about it and she thought DH might be bothered, I don't think he'd care (and it's my body anyway!) And I'd think surely no one would expect their partner to include their children from a previous relationship on their tattoo for their DC?

WIBU? (Fwiw it wouldn't have names and would me small and likely just include times of birth for our DC in some way).

OP posts:
Growyourowncrumpets · 29/12/2022 21:40

How old are the step kids.
It's your body and they're not your kids as you say, as long as it's not a pattern of you making it clear to them that they are not part of your family, then don't see what difference it makes. Fill your boots.

Loopyloooooo · 29/12/2022 21:41

Crikey my jaw hit the floor when read the title ..I thought you were going to say you were leaving off your own adopted DC. Relieved to see this is not the case 😆

I think what you're thinking is fine. However if I thought it might upset your DH or the SDC I wouldn't do it.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 29/12/2022 21:42

The way you frame it, it sounds perfectly reasonable but OTOH the very fact that you are asking A(BU indicates that some part of you thinks it isn't a great idea. And I agree with that part of you.

butterfliedtwo · 29/12/2022 21:45

They're not your children so it would be weird if you did tbh.

lifeinthehills · 29/12/2022 21:45

SnarkyBag · 29/12/2022 20:45

Just get something that meaningful and represents them to you but no need to tell everyone at every moment what the tattoo represents.

To be honest hearing about the meaning of people’s tattoos is right up there with listening to people tell you what happened in their dream last night.

You'd be surprised. People are always asking what it means. I have one, small, discreet one. I don't always want to share as it's very personal. I suppose I thought it would just be a picture to most people, but there's a lot of interest. It's not a problem, just unexpected.

No-one asks my dreams on a routine basis.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 29/12/2022 21:48

I know you didn't ask for opinions about tattoos, but I'm giving mine anyway. And that is: why do you need a tattoo to remind you of when you gave birth to your children? Isn't that something you'd remember without having to look at your arm or whatever?

That aside, if your husband feels that his older children need to have their existences inked onto someone's body, he can have them inked onto his own.

butterfliedtwo · 29/12/2022 21:51

RamsayEaster · 29/12/2022 21:26

Depends on the relationship with the kids
Would they be upset ?
Could you get a tattoo that represents all the kids instead of names ?

I just don't understand why she should. They have their own mother.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 29/12/2022 21:52

I was a single mum when I got married, and my DS father was never in the picture. My DH adopted him, and we went on to have children of our own. Tbh, I’d have been upset if he’d ever had a tattoo of our birth children but not my oldest son.
Equally, we split up years later, and he’s now getting remarried to another woman, who has a son, whose dad IS part of his life. And I think we’d all find it very strange if my ex had HIS name tattooed on him.
What I’m really saying, is that it depends entirely on your individual set up. It sounds as if your SC spend half their time with their mum, and don’t see you in that role, so I don’t think it would upset them if that is the case.

usern1272022 · 29/12/2022 21:53

It's not unreasonable at all. But it may cause upset.

If you're confident that your stepchildren won't care then that's fine. Depends on their age as well.

I have friends who have grown up with their step mum/step dad since they were toddlers, so I know they'd be a little hurt if that had happened to them when they were kids as they view the step-parent as their own parent pretty much. Whereas others aren't particularly close and wouldn't care as they're much more bothered about what their biological parents do.

Really depends on your relationship with them.

HerRoyalNotness · 29/12/2022 21:54

Ridiculous that anyone thinks you’re BU! Tattoos are very personal, it would be weird to include children that aren’t yours in a tribute to your children

Thatsmoneyhoney · 29/12/2022 21:55

If you're that sure they won't care, why are you asking?
As a step child myself I would have felt hurt when I was a kid but wouldn't care now.
But my step dad moved into our home and only saw my real twat of a father once in a blue moon.

BadNomad · 29/12/2022 22:01

Your children are your children. If the tattoo is just your children's names but not DH's, then it's not a "family" tattoo.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 29/12/2022 22:05

Depends on your relationship with them. As others have said. If the DSC are old enough or close enough to be hurt then don’t do it.

Alici · 29/12/2022 22:06

Its your body and you are doing nothing wrong. You are having a tattoo to recognise your biological children. Just as one day your step child will probably have only mum and dad on their wedding top table and, as step parent, you wont be included in that.

However. Feelings don't have to be rational and, as a step child myself, I would say you may alienate your step child and leave them feeling left out. While they have no right to contest or complain, it may still stick in their heads and create a clear divide. Its hard enough not belonging in one place and always being the guest or odd child out (this is not your fault in any way and just a fact of life).

My step mum was around before I was born and never made me feel anything less than her child, just as my half siblings were (her bio children). I would have privately been upset if she had done this and it would have altered how I feel about her. As a result I always make sure she has top billing as grandparent to my children. The "fairness" that i try to match MIL to my DM in terms of child events also runs to DSM.

AiryFairyLights · 29/12/2022 22:09

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 29/12/2022 20:39

It would be weird to include your step kids tbh. If I found out another woman had a tattoo of my kid's name or whatever I'd be hmm

Was going to say this x

Angeldelight81 · 29/12/2022 22:11

Oh this is nothing i know a step mother who only ever got venture (ie expensive) professional photos of the bio children. Now that was a piss take

imalreadygone · 29/12/2022 22:15

Angeldelight81 · 29/12/2022 22:11

Oh this is nothing i know a step mother who only ever got venture (ie expensive) professional photos of the bio children. Now that was a piss take

What's wrong with wanting nice photos of your own kids? Presumably the other parent could pay for their kids?

Dinodelight · 29/12/2022 22:16

Depends on when you came into their lives and your relationship with them. I would be upset if my DH did this without involving his step children but he wouldn’t do this. He is a huge part of their lives and loves them like his own.

ifoundthebread · 29/12/2022 22:16

I think it depends on their age and the role youve played in their life and for how long. My step father has been in my life for 26 years and i would be hurt if after all this time he did not class me as his child, as he is the only father figure ive known. If i still had contact with my bio dad and he had been my step dad for a year, i wouldnt see the issue. Do you see yourself continuing a relationship with them when they become adults or if you and dh split.

FellOnMyArseToDay · 29/12/2022 22:17

Afterfire · 29/12/2022 20:42

I just wouldn’t get anything if you’re not going to include them. It’s making a statement that you don’t consider them to be your children and I think step children shouldn’t be slapped in the face with that.

My dh has lots of tattoos and he has a tattoo relating to both our son together and my dd from a previous relationship who he’s raised as his own since she was 5. He sees them both as his children and didn’t want either to feel left out.

Genuinely and sincerely you have yourself a lovely man there :) I know the bar isn’t high for men but he sounds great.

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 29/12/2022 22:17

They aren't your children though are they, even if you love them and get on, it'd be weird having a tattoo for them (even weirder for their mother). Plenty of my friends have step children, no matter how much they are part of their family my friend's are not their mother, they simply happen to be married to their dad.

I don't have any tattoos but have contemplated getting something tiny tiny (not names or anything gross) to symbolise my kids, I don't think I'd get anything to symbolise my husband, although I never plan to divorce who knows what might happen. Your kids will never not be your children, your husband or step kids might not be a permanent fixture.

Reindeersnooker · 29/12/2022 22:18

If your step kids have their mum in their lives, I would think your mum is being over sensitive on their behalf. Different if they don't.

Newmum1998 · 29/12/2022 22:20

“include their children from a previous relationship on their tattoo”

this didn’t really sit right with me tbh. Why not just say stepchildren or non biological children? Why would you say children from a previous relationship? It’s like you don’t want to include them because they remind you of your husbands ex partner.

I think it would be odd to get your step kids times of birth tattooed on you though. I wouldn’t see anything wrong with getting a tattoo of something else that represents them though

noworklifebalance · 29/12/2022 22:23

I understand why you would want just your kids’ represented by the tattoo.
However, it would depend on the age of the stepchildren - I can imagine if they were still children and living primarily in yours and DH’s home then it could make them feel like relative outsiders from the remainder of the nuclear family unit. Potentially divisive.

ThereIbledit · 29/12/2022 22:30

I don't think I'd do it, but then I'm not a tattoo type of person. I think I would worry that it would feel unnecessarily exclusive to DH's children or to him in some way. I don't think you are being unreasonable and it is your body so totally up to you not anybody else, but unless you really don't see them much and really don't think of them as family I'd also want to get something that you could say represented the step children too, maybe a different tattoo somewhere else or something.

I don't know that I'm sure on this myself though!