Who is in the wrong? (Fussy eaters)

[LadyLothbrook]

2 children, 11 and 7.
Youngest has adhd and I suspect so does the eldest.

An example of what children will eat:

Most meats chicken, beef, and sausages.

Most vegetables with few exceptions one doesn't like sprouts so much, one doesn't like tomatoes.

They will eat eggs, olives, breads, potatoes, pasta as long as the sauce is smooth, cheeses. They will try cuisines from other cultures.

DC1 enjoys crisps as a snack and DC2 has a sweet tooth. Both will eat chopped salad veg and fruit and berries if prepared for them.

Tonight we had chilli made with a variety of beans. Parents enjoyed theirs but after a few mouthfuls, both children expressed a dislike.

Parent B says its fine to leave but let's them know its a pity because its a nutritious meal. Parent A says yeah leave but tells them no fast food, sweets, junk for 6 months and nothing else for the rest of the night. Parent A won't listen to Parent B when Parent B tries to explain that they probably just don't like it and are not doing it to be fussy. Parent B can sometimes project due to horrific childhood trauma so Parent A feels like they're becoming too 'woke' or 'snowflake' like.

Parent A - Believes children are 'getting worse' with their eating. More fussy, more wanting to eat junk food.

Parent B - Believes children enjoy a variety of foods but has common problems with strong tastes, textures. And believes it will get better with age if not berated.

Who is right in this situation? A, B or both? All responses welcome.

Parent B is obviously you.
I think Parent A is being ridiculous saying no treats for 6months. They don't sound like fussy kids to me.

Parent A sounds like a cunt.

Well it was unlikely they were going to like it given your list of foods they will eat which is actually quite varied so they were set up for failure from the start.

A better option would be make them something they like and also give them a small portion of the food the parents are eating to try. If they like it then you know it can go on the list of family meals.

They are not fussy kids, loads of adults won’t eat a variety of beans. Parent A sounds like a pain, parent B sounds like they have a sensible attitude to trying foods and celebrating that but not making it into a big deal, which can lead to worrying issues around food - maybe parent A should do a bit of reading around that.

No treats for 6 months is ridiculous.

Is this meal a new thing for the kids? Children typically have to try new foods 10-20 times before they like it. So if a child don't like a new food, you should let them have a taste (one forkful or so) and then have a plain preferred food for that meal. Then they can have another taste next time that food is on offer.

Parent B. If you don’t like something you don’t like it.

They don’t sound fussy but you cooked foods they don’t like 🙄

I think they did well to take a few mouthfuls before rejecting it! Parent a is an arse and will make the issue worse

Parent A says they only get angry because Parent B overrules them in front of the children. Parent B has tried explaining these issues we have at mealtimes with Parent A when they are alone but it seems to not be making a difference. What should we do if Parent A and Parent B cannot agree here?

I have an eating disorder due to parenting like parent A.
Forcing me to eat due to fear of punishment just made me vomit more.

Six months! Holy overreaction, Batman.

Parent A sounds nuts

They are NOT fussy from the list of what you said they eat

Parent A needs not to make huge proclamations that cannot be agreed with by Parent B, so that they then don’t need to be ‘over-ruled’.

I’d be absolutely astonished if Parent A was a woman.

Your children aren't fussy.

Parent A is a twat however.

I didn’t like a lot when I was young, mainly because my mother is a shit cook, used to stick a frozen pizza under grill but never cooked so still cold when served, made super noodles but put so much water in it was more like soup. I was told I was fussy, ended up either becoming forced to eat what was in front of me or I wouldn’t eat. As a result I hated a lot of food until I was old enough to cook for myself and realised actually I’m not fussy.

I think the No fast food etc for 6 months is daft. They sound like they just don’t like it. I’m sure we have all tried something we didn’t like at some point, it’s not being fussy.

Who cooked the bean chilli?

Mine eat well but for some reason chilli is a no. The beans weird them out for some reason.
Me and dh have had same argument tbh as he tends to over discipline or ridiculous statments like no sweets for 6 months. He did learn when one of kids forced food in then promptly threw up and was hysterical for hours (sen also). We agree if its new food we don't force and toast for supper. If we know its a dinner they happily eat usually then goes in the fridge and get reheated if they are hungry later.

Reminds me of my narcissistic abusive exs take on child rearing. Would try to impose absolutely ridiculously harsh punishments then accuse me of undermining him when trying to implore some reason about it.

6 months! That's actually insane. The children didn't like the chilli, big whoop I probably wouldn't like it either. It sounds like they eat a good variety of food so no need to make a fuss on this occasion.

Putting family rules in place have helped massively. You do x you get y consequence.

Parent A is my dh who likes to declare ridiculous punishments he'll never see through. "Stop messing about or I'll sell all the play equipment in the garden/sell the TV/ban you from all friends for a year".

My DH has a tendency to complain that I ‘undermine’ him sometimes.

My counter to him is that I will always intervene on the side of my children if I perceive they are being treated unfairly and harshly, by anyone.

We have learned to navigate these waters. But it does take a mutual commitment to respectful listening and deep breathing and believing the other person isn’t just trying to be an annoying twat.

Parent A is an utter twat.

You don’t have fussy children. They just didn’t like this particular meal, which is perfectly reasonable.

I think their diet sounds fine. I not a fussy eater but am really not keen on the texture of beans so I would have struggled with that chilli.

The junk food ban person is obviously wrong.

Parent A is seriously over the top with the 6 months punishment.
I'm probably somewhere in the middle. There would be no junk that night but toast, cereal or bananas would be available if they were still hungry. But otherwise, they tried it, move on.