Who is in the wrong? (Fussy eaters)

[LadyLothbrook]

2 children, 11 and 7.
Youngest has adhd and I suspect so does the eldest.

An example of what children will eat:

Most meats chicken, beef, and sausages.

Most vegetables with few exceptions one doesn't like sprouts so much, one doesn't like tomatoes.

They will eat eggs, olives, breads, potatoes, pasta as long as the sauce is smooth, cheeses. They will try cuisines from other cultures.

DC1 enjoys crisps as a snack and DC2 has a sweet tooth. Both will eat chopped salad veg and fruit and berries if prepared for them.

Tonight we had chilli made with a variety of beans. Parents enjoyed theirs but after a few mouthfuls, both children expressed a dislike.

Parent B says its fine to leave but let's them know its a pity because its a nutritious meal. Parent A says yeah leave but tells them no fast food, sweets, junk for 6 months and nothing else for the rest of the night. Parent A won't listen to Parent B when Parent B tries to explain that they probably just don't like it and are not doing it to be fussy. Parent B can sometimes project due to horrific childhood trauma so Parent A feels like they're becoming too 'woke' or 'snowflake' like.

Parent A - Believes children are 'getting worse' with their eating. More fussy, more wanting to eat junk food.

Parent B - Believes children enjoy a variety of foods but has common problems with strong tastes, textures. And believes it will get better with age if not berated.

Who is right in this situation? A, B or both? All responses welcome.

Parents A and B should agree not to discuss children's eating in front of them. It barely ever ends well. I've seen your update & it's good there's some honesty between you both & he doesn't want to damage children's relationship with food / you both. Keep working it out, away from the DC!

B is right.
DD had (with hindsight) ARFID but with advice from well meaning family and professionals we actually made things worse by pushing her to eat - especially DH who eats absolutely anything and everything!
Back right off and offer new food but don’t make a fuss or turn mealtimes into a battleground. Having food preferences is not “naughty” unless accompanied by things like spitting out food and having tantrums

I agree with this and we have promised to do this everytime we have the argument. But he was continuing to say things about their eating. It's my natural instinct to protect my kids when they're being told off for not eating so it's almost like a reaction to stop the 'lecture' it's alot easier said than done to bite my tongue until later. I just hope the penny really has dropped for him otherwise we will have to call it a day.

I think there’s a much bigger issue here, a control one. What does he want to/try to control in their lives? And yours? 6 months was a completely ridiculous overreaction. I can’t believe he’s read this thread and suddenly had a breakthrough when he’s refused to read about fussy eaters, even though your dc don’t actually sound fussy, they just don’t like certain things.

Sounds like a good conversation. I have a very fussy eater (among other issues) but same as you he will eat a variety of healthy foods. As a general rule he doesn't like sauces and things all combined. The same food on a roast all separate and it's fine.

It's nice to see a resolution where you've discussed it and has a conversation. Much better than lots of things we see on here!

Parent A is being ridiculous! Who bans sweets for 6 months over a single dinner? And guess who'll be the one who has to enforce this ban and put up with the whining from the kids? Not Parent A I bet!

Your kids don't really sound like very fussy eaters. Everyone has their likes and dislikes and it seems there's still plenty of food that they'll eat and get a balanced diet so I would leave it.

Again, I think it’s great he’s been able to identify some of what’s caused this. Would he consider some counselling for himself? Could be really helpful.

I've suggested some therapy but he's not at that stage. He was severely physically abused by his grandfather as a child so alot of his masculine bravado stems from this. Additionally, I was abused by my father so I think we fell into the roles that were instilled into us. I began recognising my cptsd as a result of a breakdown, I think maybe his is on the way, he's been awfully depressed and we almost divorced before Christmas. I know this is a massive dripfeed but I just needed opinions on the isolated matter to show him I'm not delusional. We are both just products of shitty adults abuses us with 'power'.

It seems like he’s really taken this all on board which is great. I think with lots of parents it definitely comes from fear and anxiety - not wanting your child to have a limited diet/wanting them to eat well, which becomes frustrating. I could definitely be like this because I worry, I don’t want my kids to be hungry or eat badly. But then I step back and just release control. They can not eat and be hungry or they can eat what they want and not be hungry. As long as they aren’t suffering malnutrition and underweight, or getting overweight, then I’m happy. Raising my autistic child who is so so limited helped me with this. I began to appreciate when he ate at all, and realise that it really doesn’t matter if he won’t eat spinach or cauliflower cheese, because he eats plenty of other stuff.

He’s identified that he wants to deal with it better and I think that’s great.

Speaking as the parent of someone who was a very difficult eater (properly diagnosed as an eating disorder, not just 'fussy') - those children are NOT fussy eaters by any stretch of the imagination.

They just didn't like that particular meal. Everyone is entitled to personal likes and dislikes when it comes to food, and punishing children for not eating something they really don't like due to the taste/texture/whatever, is highly counter productive and will not help the situation in any way.

Perhaps it might be helpful if both parents A & B were to read up on ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) and see whether that changes the mindset.

As the parent of a teenager with a diagnosis of ARFID (and many visits to an NHS dietician under our belts) I think that they eat amazingly well! It sounds as if this issue may not actually be about eating at all...

That’s really tough and sounds like you’ve both been through loads. I think yea you have to be ready for therapy but of course you also need to balance that with making sure your triggers don’t end up overriding parenting like it seems to have done with him in this case.

Maybe he can spend some time just looking into ways to cope with his triggers from a self-help point of view? It’s very tough when someone isn’t ready for therapy but the family is experiencing the weight of their trauma. You can’t force him of course but I hope he is able to start reaching out for more help soon.

Are you alright with your mental health at present OP?

Thank you for this. And thank you for asking. All of December I wasn't in a great place. Then I went to visit my family and had some sort of meltdown that resulted in me getting a black eye from my sister. I don't actually remember all that happened but my family keep saying it's fine 'we won't talk about it again' which leads me to believe I was probably just standing up for myself for a change. The last two weeks I've been plagued by all of the horrors of my childhood but I feel strangely calm and understand now why everyone thinks I'm too 'soft' with my children. They feel safe and happy around me. I've got my first therapy session at the end of January and although I'm crippled with guilt, I'm excited to learn boundaries that will clearly benefit my children.

Jesus OP that sounds horrible. Deeply suss they are brushing it under the carpet as well .

So glad you’ve got some support coming up in January. Christmas is always rough isn’t it, when your family of origin are nightmares. I’m very low contact with mine and didn’t see them this year, but I still found it difficult and lots of stress coming up.

Just to say though - who says exactly you’re too soft with your kids? Everyone really, or more like family or people who were and are a lot harsher in their way of dealing with kids? Because it might be you’re not too soft at all. Worth exploring right?

I agree.

I like chilli, but never with beans because I hate the texture of beans. My son is the same, so I don't force them on him, especially as he eats a wide variety of other foods.

He just doesn't like beans, like your kids.

Parent A sounds like my abusive ex. He was also prone to stupid and ridiculous punishments that didn't solve a problem which never existed in the first place. Your kids were not being fussy, they just don't like beans. I feel punishing them for not eating something they don't like is an abusive thing to do.

Parent A is a dick.

@ButterflyOil Thank you again. I can tell you're coming from a really good place and it just feels nice to have respectful, nice people to chat with.

I'm sorry you've had issues with your family too. It's so hard because you love them but they force your hand. Yes my family and my husband say I'm too soft but both coming from abusive backgrounds I think I am so frightened of causing my kids trauma that it grates on people. Don't get me wrong I don't helicopter parent them or ill prepare them for the trials of life, I just offer them the same respect that I expect back.

I just feel very confused sometimes. Thank you again for your nice words.

Also must add that Parent A has kept an interest in this topic since yesterday and discussed it more today, asked questions and apologised to me again.

He also apologised to the children and we all had macdonalds today, on him! Nice balanced meal tomorrow though. Happy NY everyone.

Should've done some nachos with the bean chilli! Yum. misses point

I like the something familiar/safe, family style meals with something new/unsafe/texture issues etc method. If my fussy eaters ever flat out refused they wouldn't have treats but could have porridge or similar later if hungry, or fruit and veg etc.

Have you seen videos of meal prepping with adhd? Like keeping veg, fruits and meat chopped up and easily accessible to snack on and very visible on the table/fridge. And perhaps with textures, getting creative blending or chopping up things very small. Perhaps some ideas to watch with your dc so they could give feedback on what would help them expand their palate.

Thanks @Keroppi that's really useful advice but I don't actually struggle to get them eat. H and I are both good cooks and they give most things a good go. They have texture issues with sauces, they dont like 'bits' so sauces have to blended but most other things are fine. The problem is just H's reaction to the children expressing their dislike for something. It just came to ahead. All resolved now (I hope) and I'll check out those videos for further tips.

If one is diagnosed and the older one has suspected ADHD/asd it's most likely a sensory issue rather than being difficult for no reason and they are both old enough to decide that they put in their mouths.
Surely everyone has foods they don't like?
Why should they be punished at all let alone for 6 months for not liking the texture of something?
I have sensory sensitivities especially regarding foods, it's not the taste but the texture and I could never eat a bean chilli or even have it on a plate in front of me.
Being punished for my 'fussiness' that was actually sensory issues was a major factor in me suffering from eating disorders in my late teens and early twenties.
I never make my kid eat things he doesn't like, eat it or don't, alternative is toast, fruit or be hungry, creating stress and conflict at the dinne table is really unhealthy.