Who is in the wrong? (Fussy eaters)

[LadyLothbrook]

2 children, 11 and 7.
Youngest has adhd and I suspect so does the eldest.

An example of what children will eat:

Most meats chicken, beef, and sausages.

Most vegetables with few exceptions one doesn't like sprouts so much, one doesn't like tomatoes.

They will eat eggs, olives, breads, potatoes, pasta as long as the sauce is smooth, cheeses. They will try cuisines from other cultures.

DC1 enjoys crisps as a snack and DC2 has a sweet tooth. Both will eat chopped salad veg and fruit and berries if prepared for them.

Tonight we had chilli made with a variety of beans. Parents enjoyed theirs but after a few mouthfuls, both children expressed a dislike.

Parent B says its fine to leave but let's them know its a pity because its a nutritious meal. Parent A says yeah leave but tells them no fast food, sweets, junk for 6 months and nothing else for the rest of the night. Parent A won't listen to Parent B when Parent B tries to explain that they probably just don't like it and are not doing it to be fussy. Parent B can sometimes project due to horrific childhood trauma so Parent A feels like they're becoming too 'woke' or 'snowflake' like.

Parent A - Believes children are 'getting worse' with their eating. More fussy, more wanting to eat junk food.

Parent B - Believes children enjoy a variety of foods but has common problems with strong tastes, textures. And believes it will get better with age if not berated.

Who is right in this situation? A, B or both? All responses welcome.

Firstly, they eat loads and aren't really all that fussy. Secondly, many kids hate beans. Some of the grow out of it some don't. People are allowed to dislike things. If it's something new and they don't like it the worst thing you could do is make a big fuss about it. I think it's crazy to say no treats for 6 months. I hate fried eggs and I would be pissed off if someone insisted I ate them. If we were in a famine situation I am sure I could make myself eat them to survive but day to day I don't need to, so I don't.

Parent A is an Abusive Arsehole.
Punishing kids for not liking chili is abusive.

Also - sorry to get on my soapbox, but food is such a fundamental part of a healthy life and a way to nourish your body. Turning it into a battleground for no good reason is so short sighted and sets so many people up for difficult relationships with food.

Food should be pleasant and nourishing, something that is a happy experience - not filled with guilt and anger and dread and battles. Of course we’ve all been there with trying to get a balanced healthy diet into our kids - but that’s why parent A really needs to get over themselves and not look to turn things into a big deal and a battleground when there is no need for it.

Totes this. Anyone who thinks someone might be 'woke' or a 'snowflake' is a CUNT in my book. No patience, no meeting half way, screw them,

Does your H have trouble recognising and accepting that the DC are autonomous human beings with their own wants, needs and preferences over other areas, or is it good only?

He sounds like an arsehole.

Your DC don't even sound fussy to me, sounds like they eat a good range of foods!

I am glad I had two parents like you OP, and not a parent like your DH. I was a 'fussy eater' as a child, later diagnosed with dyspraxia and other conditions which can affect eating.

My parents always accepted when I didn't like a certain food e.g. cream and lamb. I was encouraged to try new foods but wasn't punished when I didn't like them. Most of them I now like and eat regularly and some I still don't like. If my parents tried denying food I wanted until I ate the food I didn't like, I just didn't eat. I was small for my age and my parents focused on making sure I had enough food I liked to eat and gentle encouragement to try new things. By my teens my diet had expanded a lot.

Your DH is going to create some serious food issues if he isn't careful. He's turning food into a battle. Banning treats for 6 months is ridiculous. They will probably eat more food over time and without pressure.

Parents also need to be careful that 'fussy eating' isn't something else. A friend of mine was a very 'fussy eater'. She only ate about 10 foods. Turns out she had coeliac disease and a load of allergies. Someone force fed her a food she 'didn't like' and she ended up in hospital due to the allergic reaction. People had judged her poor parents for years for 'pandering' to her 'fussiness'.

I'd definitely be tempted to 'back up' the 6 months rule...and make him enforce it lol, every single time they want a "treat" dad will have to ste in and remind them that he lost his temper a few months ago.

You know a united front and all that ;)

my dayghter has an eating disorder and will not eat anything for days sometimes - she is only 15 and developing heart problems

I am my happiest when she is eating - healthy / unhealthy - it does not matter

food is so personal

Parent A is unhinged. I could not be in a relationship with someone so absurd and abusive.

Thank you everyone. I'd just like to say, after I was able to get parent A to read this thread, a discussion followed with lots of tears and a new understanding. He apologised and agreed i was right. I said being right isn't my desire, just raising healthy, well balanced children. He's agreed to not make any comments on their eating habits, it's up to us to provide nutritional food and nothing else. I feel like we have had a break through. Thank you all so much.

It would be worth him looking into where the need to control comes from and dealing with it, because it will come out in other ways.

That’s a brilliant outcome! Fantastic you were able to have a good chat about it and parent A realised they were being unreasonable.

Sounds like both of you really just want your kids to have a good diet and I think this new approach will be really helpful. Fair play to parent A for being willing to reassess their attitude.

Lovely update to read. 😊

Most ‘English’ chilli is minging anyway ! Low quality mince with a tin of manky beans and some tomato sauce. Not proper chilli at all. My friend made me her ‘amazing’ chilli the other week. Frigging random veg in it like courgette and mushrooms. Random supermarket mince. Just grim and watery and tasteless ! So in that respect your kids may have thought it was just a bit of a tasteless mush. Sound like they do eat quite well and like a variety of things.

Yes he opened up about his controlling behaviours and how they stemmed from childhood. He got quite emotional and said , 'you're right, i want our girls to be able to speak up when they're uncomfortable' Probably still alot of work to go but definitely feels like something.

I'm so glad you have got to this stage and hopefully this will break the trauma cycle that he has been locked into

Divorce him. Don't bother threatening it, just divorce him.

That way, the kids get to eat what they like and try new things without some prick teaching them that trying new foods is forever associated with a threat of prolonged punishment. And you get to breathe freely in your home.

I hope this is a breakthrough for you all. Your children will be better for it.

Parent B is in the right. Parent A is being ridiculous and a twat.

Parent B didn’t overrule A, they spoke first.

My experience is that abusive parents are always complaining about being overrule / undermined to shut up the other non abusive parent.

Thanks for the update - sorry not to have read it first. Glad you’ve been able to have something of a breakthrough- hope it works and isn’t crocodile tears.

They aren’t fussy eaters, in fact it seems like they eat a wide range of foods for their ages. They just don’t like beans. I am 52 and I hate peas and most beans too, but I eat pretty much most things other than that.

For some reason both my parents wanted to force me to eat these two things I didn’t like, even though there were plenty of other things I would eat. It really was one of the many reasons I had such an unhappy childhood (because of the drama and punishment on a nearly daily basis). So yes Parent A is thoroughly in the wrong.

You can have sensory issues with food with adhd. I'm an adult and most of them haven't changed. I eat a lot more now than I did when I was younger but there are some textures I just can't handle.

I think that parent A shouldn't pick thes as the Hill to die on. No one should be forced to eat anything.

This*

Respect to your husband for taking everything on board, that took some courage
I hope you both have a happy new year moving forward

Yep, this.

Sorry, hadn't read last update