Who is in the wrong? (Fussy eaters)

[LadyLothbrook]

2 children, 11 and 7.
Youngest has adhd and I suspect so does the eldest.

An example of what children will eat:

Most meats chicken, beef, and sausages.

Most vegetables with few exceptions one doesn't like sprouts so much, one doesn't like tomatoes.

They will eat eggs, olives, breads, potatoes, pasta as long as the sauce is smooth, cheeses. They will try cuisines from other cultures.

DC1 enjoys crisps as a snack and DC2 has a sweet tooth. Both will eat chopped salad veg and fruit and berries if prepared for them.

Tonight we had chilli made with a variety of beans. Parents enjoyed theirs but after a few mouthfuls, both children expressed a dislike.

Parent B says its fine to leave but let's them know its a pity because its a nutritious meal. Parent A says yeah leave but tells them no fast food, sweets, junk for 6 months and nothing else for the rest of the night. Parent A won't listen to Parent B when Parent B tries to explain that they probably just don't like it and are not doing it to be fussy. Parent B can sometimes project due to horrific childhood trauma so Parent A feels like they're becoming too 'woke' or 'snowflake' like.

Parent A - Believes children are 'getting worse' with their eating. More fussy, more wanting to eat junk food.

Parent B - Believes children enjoy a variety of foods but has common problems with strong tastes, textures. And believes it will get better with age if not berated.

Who is right in this situation? A, B or both? All responses welcome.

You are parent B and you're absolutely right.
Dh is an over the top arse.

Parent A is a twat but also I’d only put food out which had at least 1/2 things I knew they would definitely eat. So the food they like, plus a small portion of the new food so they were still given the opportunity for new tastes / foods.

I don’t like cheese and wouldn’t eat it if it was put in front of me, but I still might have a packet of crisps!

Parent A is angry at me for posting about on here. Says I'm blowing it out of proportion and making them look bad. Offered to let them put their side on for more perspective but refused. I just don't know how to make them see. I don't want to come across preachy or projecting to parent A but I've got disordered eating myself from this sort of thing.

Your children are not fussy, the list of things they'll eat is linger than the list of things I'll eat!

Parent A, who I'm assuming is their dad and does little day-to-day parenting, is being an arse.

The 6 months thing is like saying in August that Santa won't come..totally daft!
He is hardly going to monitor that, is he?
I don't think the adhd matters as l haven't noticed it relating to food issues. I have come across dc who eat 10 things and absolutely nothing else but yours are actually good eaters. I think everyone is allowed to not like certain things as long as it's not constant.
Your dh is just shooting his mouth off with no intention of follow through..terrible parenting.

Parent A is being a knob

So your children’s father is saying they can’t have any Easter eggs (until June) because they didn’t like a meal at Christmas? Tell him to get a bloody grip. He’s going to give those kids issues around food if he carries on.

parent A is creating control issues around food which is just GREAT if you want your kids to develop eating disorders. Believe me, I’ve been there.

I agree that the 6 month threat is ridiculous and an over reaction.

If the children don’t like the food offered (unless they’ve eaten it before) then I agree that another meal is not prepared for them but not an all out ban, so they could have something straightforward as an alternative such as toast, fruit or cereal.

Who branded your children as fussy eaters? We are all entitled to have our likes and dislikes. There's things that some children just won't eat and I think that they should be worked around. You don't have to all eat the same thing and meals don't have to be complicated. My autistic DD ate around seven foods as a child, she expanded her palate because she wanted friends and tried what they were having. I grew up eating junk because of neglect, never had vegetables. I learnt that I loved vegetables. My eldest is 37 and looking at her and what her peers are as children and now eat, childhood eating isn't that important. You just want to protect their teeth, that's all that matters.

B is right
A is a twat and those action's can lead to eating disorders

Parent A is an arsehole. Your children sound like they eat really well. They tried it, and didn’t like it, and as they tried it, should be allowed to leave it. At this moment Parent B probably doesn’t like Parent A much and, having tried them, should also be allowed to leave them.

Parent B should henceforth cook Parent A's most hated foods whenever they do dinner.

Parent A is a dick.

i am not a fussy eater and i loathe chilli, its awful.

I AM a parent of a child with an eating disorder, and quite frankly, parent A is a Cunt, and if any adult treated a child like that over food, i'd be swiftly reconsidering allowing them around when my children ate.

Meals should never EVER be a battle ground. EVER.

Parent B should start cooking exclusively things that A doesn't like, giving them large portions, and telling them there are no treats for 6 months if they don't eat it all.

No sweets for 6 months! That’ll make them love beans!
Tell parent A to back off. By the sounds of things they have a very good diet - I wouldn’t be stressing over a few beans.

Thanks everyone. I really need to discuss this with him on a serious level. If we don't agree I'm sure we can't make it work. We have had this for years but I always get the blame for 'undermining'. It's so stressful.

Has parent A ever sat down and googled 'how to help fussy eaters' or 'what makes fussy eaters worse'. You know, any BASIC research on parenting this issue?

This is the thing. When I ask them to do this they say 'I don't need to read that' and dismiss me.

IMO, the most important thing is that A and B come to an agreement privately with each other and give the children a consistent idea in advance of what to expect if they can't/won't eat most/all of their dinner. In this case, for instance, they genuinely tried the chili, didn't feel they could eat it, and put it aside. Did they eat other components of the meal - for example if there was rice, salad/veggies, bread, dessert? If they did that and were still hungry, then maybe a piece a fruit, a granola bar, get themselves something easy and nutritious like a yoghourt or protein bar or sandwich? I do agree they should not refuse the meal and then fill up on crisps and sweets, but it doesn't sound like they planned or tried to do that. Having a nutritious, non-treat backup that you know they can easily eat makes sense. Just for example: they try the chili, it's far too hot for them, they get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. No drama, no confusion, no surprises.

No crisps or sweets tonight (instead of dinner) may have been reasonable; none for six months (!!) makes no sense. What happened if there's something else they can't eat next week - a one year sweets/snacks ban? The ultimate goal here should be to make sure the children are safe and healthy and reasonably well-behaved; they shouldn't be skipping nutritious food for junk but they also should have some choice of what reasonable foods to eat, just as the parents do.

I'd also get the children to talk, specifically, about what they didn't like about the chili. They shouldn't be rude, but it's very easy to have one component in a blended dish like that that takes over the whole thing - it maybe as simple as making the dish much milder next time, or leaving out a specific type of bean or veg, or omitting something like garlic or cumin. They can't speak up and tell you that if they're being punished for having tastes and preferences.

Parent A is a controlling unreasonable arsehole who is going to cause major food anxieties in your children unless you keep standing up to him.

I had two parent A types growing up. It was awful.

Children are not getting worse with their eating, attitudes towards children have changed, they are thankfully treated more as human beings now, with valid opinions and feelings.

I agree with this and everyone on this thread. Thank god attitudes are changing. My childhood has left me a ghost walking this earth, I know things can be different for my children if they learn boundaries and are treated with respect.

Parent A sounds abusive. Parent B refusing to assist him in abusing the children and intervening is ‘undermining his parenting’ and thank goodness for that - when ‘parenting styles’ cross the line to abuse, either the other parent or (if as often occurs the other parent doesn’t intervene) the state need to stop the abuse.

There is no absolute right to do anything you like to your children, much as Parent A may regret that fact.

Also, I hate chili and would never in a million years eat the meal described. When my mother made chili while I was visiting for Christmas, she pulled the leftovers of a meal I did like out of the freezer. Simple.

This

My DH used to give DD unreasonable or ridiculous punishments (“right, no more sweets EVER”, “Do that again and we won’t go on holiday”). All it meant was that by the time she hit teen years, she barely listened to anything he said. Parent A is setting himself up for a fall.

I’m not a fussy eater at all, but cannot abide mixed bean chilli - the texture is just horrible and dry/paste like in my mouth. Absolutely love Chilli Con Carne made with beef mince. Your kids aren’t necessarily being fussy not liking this meal, maybe they just don’t like it - we are all allowed preferences.