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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that he might break up with me

83 replies

badabingbada · 29/12/2022 20:22

NC'd from regular user name, also posted here for traffic as I'm panicking and need responses.

I have a DP of three years, whom I love very much. He lives mostly with me and my DS and has given notice on his rental property that he'll be moving out from in March (his landlord hasn't found tenants- friends with them so know this- which leaves it open to changing if things went that way). DP and I had a lovely Christmas, however we met up with his (adult) children, which in general was lovely, however I had a conversation with one of his DC which made me uncomfortable. I brought it up tonight and he's really annoyed at me, saying I should've kept it private/in confidence. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but it was concerning him and it was different to what he'd told me, hence I brought it up. The whole conversation was less than a minute long and now he's really annoyed at me, as I said for 'breaking their trust' by telling him. I don't tell him most conversations I have with his DC, however I did this specific one as it directly contradicted something he told me. He's really annoyed that I'd tell him anything they told me in a private conversation. I have anxiety, so I catastrophise everything in my mind, but I'm worried he's going to break up with me over this. We're meant to have a weekend away tomorrow and I'm now worried he'll be so annoyed, that it won't go ahead. I've apologised to no avail. He's really annoyed/upset. AIBU in thinking that he might be considering breaking up? He seems so annoyed, I'm panicking so much as I understand that it was a private conversation and maybe I have fucked up massively? The reason I brought it up at all was that I didn't even understand why they brought it up, it seemed very random.

OP posts:
Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 20:23

The whole conversation I had with him was less than a minute long, that should say.

OP posts:
Sqqueeeeeeee · 29/12/2022 20:27

Say to him.

“I love you and my loyalty is to you and to our relationship. I won’t keep secrets from you - even if those secrets come from your children. They didn’t ask me not to tell you so I did nothing wrong by talking to you about it. I’m sorry you’re hurt by it and I didn’t realise you expected me to keep my conversations with your children private. I would hope you don’t have conversations with my children or family about me that you’d be unhappy with me knowing about, because we should be open with each other”.

It sounds like he’s trying to deflect from him lying and being wrong. I don’t think he’ll end the relationship though - he would have done it by now.

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 20:29

@Sqqueeeeeeee thank you for your reply. I tried talking to him before I posted the thread to no avail, just snapped at me to leave him alone Sad

OP posts:
Catterpillarwithconverse · 29/12/2022 20:30

Has you anxiety always been this bad or is it specific to this relationship?

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 20:32

@Catterpillarwithconverse always been bad, trying a new medication but not given long enough to have kicked in. Had anxiety since I was 12/13.

OP posts:
Sqqueeeeeeee · 29/12/2022 20:34

badabingbada · 29/12/2022 20:29

@Sqqueeeeeeee thank you for your reply. I tried talking to him before I posted the thread to no avail, just snapped at me to leave him alone Sad

I think you need to end this relationship. He’s using your anxiety to set up an abusive dynamic where he turns his bad behaviour onto you. In a healthy relationship, this wouldn’t have happened.

Var57 · 29/12/2022 20:34

So, he lied to you about something, his adult child has let slip the truth and he's angry because you now know the truth and is deflecting from the lie and blaming you for anything rather than discuss the truth?

What was the lie?

nancydroo · 29/12/2022 20:34

Inform him his behaviour is not proportionate to the situation. Just because he is being harsh on you don't internalise that stuff and feel doubly bad. He's got you over a barrel in every disagreement otherwise.

RealBecca · 29/12/2022 20:35

So he lied, has been caught out and is now deflecting and giving you the sulks so you tip toe around apologising even though he was lying?

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 29/12/2022 20:38

This is all very odd and sounds deeply unhealthy. Do you have low self esteem? Are you having counselling for your anxiety and, if so, what do they say about your relationship?

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 29/12/2022 20:52

He is a gaslighting cunt.

LadyLolaRuben · 29/12/2022 20:53

You’ve unwittingly uncovered him lying to you OP. He's now engineering a situation for the issue to be your fault as a smokescreen, so he gets away with the lie. He won't split up over this, he just wants the issue to go away. It looks likely this will be how he will behave in future - is this want you want, living anxiously?

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 20:57

I brought it up again (before I'd read most replies) apologising if I did anything wrong and he shouted at me saying how could he forget it if I keep going on about it. I've made it even worse.

OP posts:
Deckthehallswithbenandhollly · 29/12/2022 21:01

He does sound emotionally abusive OP. Would you consider taking a break from the relationship?

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:03

For all of the people kind enough to take time to read my thread and reply, I can't thank you enough. Can I ask for anyone still reading; if you loved your partner very much but were really annoyed at them over one thing, would you ever think about breaking up with them? I need to prepare myself if that's a realistic option.

OP posts:
Stopthebusplease · 29/12/2022 21:03

Quite frankly OP this is a REALLY big red flag! I would tell him to cancel the notice to his LL, as letting him move in with you after this stunt by him, to make out like it's you in the wrong, when it was him that got caught out in a lie, would be a huge mistake in my opinion! They say that the best form of defence is to attack, which is exactly what he's done to you this evening. Please don't let him fool you into thinking your'e the one in the wrong, or in a year's time, probably less, you'll be on here, asking us how you can get rid of him because he's constantly lying to you, or abusing you in other ways. Get rid of him NOW!

Newwardrobe · 29/12/2022 21:05

What was the lie that you caught him out with?

RealBecca · 29/12/2022 21:06

No he wont break up with you.

Because he wants a submissive partner and hes testing the waters to see if you'll let him get away with not only treating you like shit. On a lot of levels.

dontputitthere · 29/12/2022 21:07

You've avoided everyone asking if you caught him out with a lie which is a red flag obviously

But more concerning he appears to have you dangling like this. He must know about your anxiety? Yet he treats you like this

He has you begging for forgiveness.

Honestly whatever the chat was about this relationship is not healthy. It screams abuse. He is prepared to use your anxiety against you like this.

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:08

@dontputitthere it's more because it's really specific, therefore outing.

OP posts:
Parrotid · 29/12/2022 21:10

So he told you XYZ

His kids said no, it was ABC

you said to him “the kids say it was ABC”

He explodes. Is that right?

Parrotid · 29/12/2022 21:11

In answer to your question, no he won’t finish it.

I have v v similar anxiety and have been having CBT and it has made a massive difference to my ability to get things into proportion.

goldenbag · 29/12/2022 21:11

Run for the hills, OP.

dontputitthere · 29/12/2022 21:12

badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:08

@dontputitthere it's more because it's really specific, therefore outing.

Okay. I get that

But I guess the point I'm trying to make is this isn't healthy. He's treating you appallingly. Can you see that?

For the sake of a silly conversation or whatever it was. Was it worth this? I doubt it.

Regardless of the conversation topic. It's not healthy. It's abusive.

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:13

@Parrotid yes, without me bringing it up or even asking when they did, I found this out. Not like affair level of secrecy but still a whole different story nonetheless. I actually said that I was more uncomfortable that they brought it up rather than the difference in stories.

OP posts:
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