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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that he might break up with me

83 replies

badabingbada · 29/12/2022 20:22

NC'd from regular user name, also posted here for traffic as I'm panicking and need responses.

I have a DP of three years, whom I love very much. He lives mostly with me and my DS and has given notice on his rental property that he'll be moving out from in March (his landlord hasn't found tenants- friends with them so know this- which leaves it open to changing if things went that way). DP and I had a lovely Christmas, however we met up with his (adult) children, which in general was lovely, however I had a conversation with one of his DC which made me uncomfortable. I brought it up tonight and he's really annoyed at me, saying I should've kept it private/in confidence. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but it was concerning him and it was different to what he'd told me, hence I brought it up. The whole conversation was less than a minute long and now he's really annoyed at me, as I said for 'breaking their trust' by telling him. I don't tell him most conversations I have with his DC, however I did this specific one as it directly contradicted something he told me. He's really annoyed that I'd tell him anything they told me in a private conversation. I have anxiety, so I catastrophise everything in my mind, but I'm worried he's going to break up with me over this. We're meant to have a weekend away tomorrow and I'm now worried he'll be so annoyed, that it won't go ahead. I've apologised to no avail. He's really annoyed/upset. AIBU in thinking that he might be considering breaking up? He seems so annoyed, I'm panicking so much as I understand that it was a private conversation and maybe I have fucked up massively? The reason I brought it up at all was that I didn't even understand why they brought it up, it seemed very random.

OP posts:
Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:15

@dontputitthere thank you for your response, I honestly would say the context if it wasn't so outing. His annoyance comes from me telling him what they said, rather than being annoyed at them for saying it- not that I wanted to, I just didn't want to keep it to myself as I was uncomfortable that his DC brought the topic up if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Parrotid · 29/12/2022 21:15

Well he’s being a dick. Stop apologising and go and get in the bath or something. It will blow over. Don’t drink, that will make it worse.

Newwardrobe · 29/12/2022 21:16

Do you think his children knew that he'd lied to you? Could they have been trying to warn you off ?

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:18

@Newwardrobe I don't think so as I'd never bring this conversation up so it's not like I was looking for clarity, it came entirely from them.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 29/12/2022 21:18

If he breaks up with you he would do you a favour.

can you see this is a distraction from his lie? He has turned it round on you.

Parrotid · 29/12/2022 21:20

Scarydinosaurs · 29/12/2022 21:18

If he breaks up with you he would do you a favour.

can you see this is a distraction from his lie? He has turned it round on you.

^^This, so much.

OP ask yourself what difference this makes to how you might think of him. And how he likes to portray himself.

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:21

By the way guys, the 'lie' was about things before me (not an affair) but the reason I brought it up was that I was confused and uncomfortable that his DC brought the topic up in the first place, not to even confront him about the difference. That's why I'm so upset and anxious.

OP posts:
Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:22

@Parrotid he won't think it will change my perception of him, but his reaction is what's upsetting me far more. If you were me, would you have asked too?

OP posts:
SaintLoy · 29/12/2022 21:22

I really felt for you when you said how you'd apologised to him, when you'd done nothing wrong. This man is bad news. He will only make your anxiety worse. I bet he sensed it and homed in on you.

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:22

I don't have anyone in real life to discuss this with so I genuinely appreciate every single response I get. Thank you all so much. My anxiety is flaring massively right now.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 29/12/2022 21:27

Why aren't you angry at him for lying?

He's the one who messed up.

Yet you're the one tying yourself up in knots and apologising to placate him. And for what? For accidentally catching him in a lie?

This sounds very very very concerning

Look up the DARVO technique cause that's the game he is playing.

Ravenrobin309 · 29/12/2022 21:27

He is not going to break up with you. He has you exactly where he wants you. He sounds controlling and manipulative.
I often talk to my dp about conversations I've had with other people. I find it very weird he would be mad at you. Sure if you started telling friends or other random people but this is his children and him!
I really think if you hadn't of mentioned it he would have then accused you of being sneaky.

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:29

@Ravenrobin309 that's what I thought too re sneakiness- if it came up years from now for example. Hence I brought it up just to say that I was confused/uncomfortable that his DC brought it up.

OP posts:
Var57 · 29/12/2022 21:31

He's not annoyed about a betrayed private conversation - you know that, don't you? He's annoyed because he's been caught out in a lie.

How is the rest of your relationship? Does he contribute fairly when staying with you? Are plans equally decided or do you mostly go along with his wishes? Do you ever say no to things he suggests?

Parrotid · 29/12/2022 21:33

badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:22

@Parrotid he won't think it will change my perception of him, but his reaction is what's upsetting me far more. If you were me, would you have asked too?

Yes, absolutely. Because I believe in honest and open communication.

His reaction is the weird bit, not you bringing it up. Does the “thing” portray him in a poor light?

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:33

@Var57 he's lovely most of the time. Is a very caring person, usually can't do enough for me (and he does a LOT). More than pulls his weight in housework and cooking, playing with DC etc.

OP posts:
dontputitthere · 29/12/2022 21:34

I really feel for you. I can sense your anxiety just on here

What I'm saying is the kind of man who feeds that anxiety is not a good man.

He has made you focus on the topic/the lie/whatever. Please think about how this man is treating you now. The abuse. The shouting.

Does he make you feel like this often?

I feel he knows his power over you. You begging him for forgiveness. Asking here if it's likely he will dump you. Constantly being on edge for not upsetting him in case he dumps you. This is not healthy for you Flowers

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:36

Can I ask, how would other posters have reacted if their DP did the way mine did? Most of the replies imply that it's not 'normal' DP behaviour.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 29/12/2022 21:36

badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:33

@Var57 he's lovely most of the time. Is a very caring person, usually can't do enough for me (and he does a LOT). More than pulls his weight in housework and cooking, playing with DC etc.

You say "most of the time". What about the rest? The exceptions? What other bumps in the road have there been?

Parrotid · 29/12/2022 21:38

No it’s not normal. But it’s also without context.

“The kids say you don’t like mayonnaise, that’s so weird, we eat loads of mayonnaise!”

vs

”The kids say you were in prison in the 80s, you never mentioned that!”

see?

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:41

@Parrotid somewhere in the middle ground between there 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:42

@LaLuz7 he has depression so sometimes things aren't easy, but I never blame him for that as it's not his fault.

OP posts:
Parrotid · 29/12/2022 21:47

Ok so this thing reflects badly on him? Is that right?

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:49

@Parrotid yes but only in a small way, the thing I can compare it most to without it being too obvious to anyone that might actually know is if your DP said to you he'd only ever had 3 relationships but he'd actually had about 30. It's not that, but equivalent in terms of how you want to be perceived if that makes sense.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 29/12/2022 21:53

That would be quite a significant thing to hide. Makes you wonder what other stuff he's lied about.

Not an innocent white lie