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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that he might break up with me

83 replies

badabingbada · 29/12/2022 20:22

NC'd from regular user name, also posted here for traffic as I'm panicking and need responses.

I have a DP of three years, whom I love very much. He lives mostly with me and my DS and has given notice on his rental property that he'll be moving out from in March (his landlord hasn't found tenants- friends with them so know this- which leaves it open to changing if things went that way). DP and I had a lovely Christmas, however we met up with his (adult) children, which in general was lovely, however I had a conversation with one of his DC which made me uncomfortable. I brought it up tonight and he's really annoyed at me, saying I should've kept it private/in confidence. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but it was concerning him and it was different to what he'd told me, hence I brought it up. The whole conversation was less than a minute long and now he's really annoyed at me, as I said for 'breaking their trust' by telling him. I don't tell him most conversations I have with his DC, however I did this specific one as it directly contradicted something he told me. He's really annoyed that I'd tell him anything they told me in a private conversation. I have anxiety, so I catastrophise everything in my mind, but I'm worried he's going to break up with me over this. We're meant to have a weekend away tomorrow and I'm now worried he'll be so annoyed, that it won't go ahead. I've apologised to no avail. He's really annoyed/upset. AIBU in thinking that he might be considering breaking up? He seems so annoyed, I'm panicking so much as I understand that it was a private conversation and maybe I have fucked up massively? The reason I brought it up at all was that I didn't even understand why they brought it up, it seemed very random.

OP posts:
AnneTwackie · 29/12/2022 21:54

to answer your question, if I brought up something like this with my DH he would be embarrassed to be caught out lying, apologise and then explain why he had lied. If he did anything other it would make me feel like trust wasn’t important to him.

ilovesooty · 29/12/2022 21:59

badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:33

@Var57 he's lovely most of the time. Is a very caring person, usually can't do enough for me (and he does a LOT). More than pulls his weight in housework and cooking, playing with DC etc.

I doesn't sound as though being in the relationship makes you happy or gives you peace of mind or self worth.

Notthetoothfairy · 29/12/2022 22:05

badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:36

Can I ask, how would other posters have reacted if their DP did the way mine did? Most of the replies imply that it's not 'normal' DP behaviour.

I would have hauled him over the hot coals (and he would have been suitably apologetic). Life is too short for this.

ilovesooty · 29/12/2022 22:09

Notthetoothfairy · 29/12/2022 22:05

I would have hauled him over the hot coals (and he would have been suitably apologetic). Life is too short for this.

Show quote history

I agree. I've been in relationships like that. Never again.

Original poster
badabingbada · 29/12/2022 22:09

@ilovesooty what happened in those relationships if you don't mind me asking, particularly how they ended?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 29/12/2022 22:19

Don't you think his dc brought it up as they are aware of him telling this same lie to previous partners? Maybe it was a kind of warning.

No one can give you a definitive answer about what will happen next. You can't use other people's experiences to predict yours on this kind of thing. If he ends it, it would be best imo. But he's likely not to and it will strengthen his position.

ilovesooty · 29/12/2022 22:28

badabingbada · 29/12/2022 22:09

@ilovesooty what happened in those relationships if you don't mind me asking, particularly how they ended?

He finished it but I should have done it before that. When he wanted to pick it up again I told him there was no chance I was going to allow him to to make me unhappy again. It's no way to live

Vallmo47 · 29/12/2022 22:30

I’m sorry you’re feeling so anxious Op. What do you do at times when anxiety is bad, to help you feel better? I’d try my hardest to look at the bigger picture here … the conversation is done, you’ve apologised and when you apologised again your partner pointed out that you’ve reminded him of something he doesn’t want to discuss. To me this suggests he’s trying to sweep it under the carpet in hope you won’t mention it again. If you’re willing to do that, I’m sure he won’t leave you so try to focus on dealing with your anxiety for now.

(I think he’s behaving appallingly but that’s not helping your anxiety).

warningsign10 · 29/12/2022 22:34

You'll have to be careful with him OP. He's moving into your home and he's trying to make sure he maintains the power between the two of you after he moves in. He's using your anxiety in his favour. This won't end well - I would end the relationship now

UnfinishedUserna · 29/12/2022 22:37

I'd bet you'd have a lot less anxiety out of this relationship.

ilovesooty · 29/12/2022 22:45

I certainly wouldn't have him move into your home. I'd seriously consider whether you want to continue with the relationship at all. People like this continue to manipulate others who depend on their validation and get their power from being in relationships which cause anxiety to those they're with.

StarDolphins · 29/12/2022 22:52

OP, I mean this in the gentlest way but you sound very vulnerable & being so puts you in a shaky place. I know you said about being anxious but I feel like you also have low self esteem? He will pick up on this & May see this as an opportunity to punish you.

I would tell him he’s overdoing it, it’s not proportionate to the crime. He can sulk all he wants but really, it’s not this much of a big deal & if he ends it over this then good luck to him.

LadyLolaRuben · 29/12/2022 22:59

Im also really concerned for you OP. His children have commented on something significant without prompting - they seem to be warning you before he moves in. You've mentioned the discrepancy to him and it seems true that he's lied. You've done nothing wrong and he's manipulating you into not talking about it again so its forgotten and he gets away with lies. This man sounds like the potential for trouble. Dont let him move in with you.

ThinWomansBrain · 29/12/2022 22:59

He is treating you like this in your own home?
tell him to go home & stay there - he may have time to rescind his notice.
You'd be better off without him, but his being there full time, lying and gaslighting, sounds a total disaster.

tara66 · 29/12/2022 23:35

Might he be a bit of a Walter Mitty character? You have to wonder what other lies he may have given you. He seems also to be bossing you around in your own home when you have simply asking for a clarification on something his own child told you. He overreacted in annoyance at you for questioning him. He clearly cannot accept any criticism and is perfect in every way.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 29/12/2022 23:36

Just get rid he sounds a bit bizarre to be honest you don't need that in your life neither does your son and once he's moved I it could get a whole lot worse

SuperHandss · 29/12/2022 23:37

badabingbada · 29/12/2022 21:36

Can I ask, how would other posters have reacted if their DP did the way mine did? Most of the replies imply that it's not 'normal' DP behaviour.

I’d be pissed off and defend myself. I certainly wouldn’t be apologising because YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

Major screaming red flag.

Flowerpower2022 · 29/12/2022 23:47

Hi OP - this is mumsnet at its very best - tremendous care for you on this thread. Can you think of your fear about him leaving as an anxious thought? That’s all it is. Can you practice some self care this evening - take time out from him - have a bath and get some distance from the situation? If he raises it again say that you need some time out from discussing it and maybe try to reach an agreement not to discuss it while you are away. Longer term can you get some therapy? A safe space to discuss the dynamics between the two of you.

mediumbrownmug · 30/12/2022 00:21

OP, I have to agree with previous posters that this is really not the kind of situation that happens in a healthy relationship. If you bring up a concern with your partner, you should expect to be listened to in a respectful manner. If he disagrees with you, then he should be able to kindly and constructively explain his part and be willing to talk. What you’re describing is not normal.

That said, people are human and make mistakes. If this is a complete anomaly for him, you’ll know. If he comes back and apologizes after he cools down, says he was a total blockhead and was just panicking at being caught out in a lie but that if he’d have been honest with you from the start it never would’ve happened, that it was all ago and he had wanted to impress you early on because he didn’t want to lose you but he should have treated you better, that of course you weren’t wrong to share it as his kids didn’t ask you to keep it from him, that he shouldn’t have reacted that way and wants you to feel safe bringing things to him, apologizes for making your anxious and offers to go to your therapy to try and understand how to support your anxiety better, and so on, then there’s a chance you can work through it. If he continues to lord it over you instead, I think there could be trouble.

Either way, it will be okay. No relationship or person defines you. Your anxiety doesn’t define you. You kindness and your choices define you, and you’ll be just fine.

Keeptryingtobe · 30/12/2022 01:23

So your partner's child bought something up in conversation that they assumed you would know about because it's such a fundamental pie e of information about their father's past?

You rather than being upset that you were lied to told your partner you were uncomfortable that his DC brought it up. Were you really more uncomfortable that it was bought up or that you were lied to?

Then this gave your partner the opportunity not to need to discuss the original lie?

FictionalCharacter · 30/12/2022 01:44

LadyLolaRuben · 29/12/2022 20:53

You’ve unwittingly uncovered him lying to you OP. He's now engineering a situation for the issue to be your fault as a smokescreen, so he gets away with the lie. He won't split up over this, he just wants the issue to go away. It looks likely this will be how he will behave in future - is this want you want, living anxiously?

This is exactly what’s happening. And it seems to be working, because you seem to have fallen for his manipulation by believing that you “betrayed someone’s trust”. Please stop blaming yourself for what he’s doing.

Kingoftheroad · 30/12/2022 05:34

I really really feel for you. I completely understand your levels of anxiety as I’ve been there myself on many occasions.

Please, please take control of the situation. Do not allow yourself to be treated in this way, no matter how much you love your partner. The shouting concerns me as he knows you’re anxious and in a weakened emotional position he’s actually abusing you. He’s being manipulative and controlling.

When you’re feeling stronger you’ll be able to see this clearly.

Youre in the eye of the storm just now in regards to your illness (that’s what it is btw and shouldn’t be taken lightly) but this will definitely pass when the meds fully kick in.

I'd cancel the trip away, write down what you want to say to him. Explain that you won’t tolerate ANY shouting, name calling etc but are open to having an honest, frank, conversation. Trust me, he’ll respect you more for this.

He won’t break up with you. Adopt the mindset of If he doesn’t sort this out right now then you’ll be asking him to leave. You’re strong, independent, capable and we’re able to manage on your own before and are more than able to do it again.

Please keep talking on here

kingtamponthefurred · 30/12/2022 06:14

He won't break up with you unless he finds a better billet, but you might wish he had.

HomeTheatreSystem · 30/12/2022 06:21

His angry reaction is very telling about him. Focus on that rather than worrying about whether or not he will break up with you. You need to try and let the anxiety over this incident fade so you can think a bit more clearly about why he's so mad at you for something that is not your fault. It's perfectly reasonable to discuss a significant discrepancy over what's been said in the past.

dolor · 30/12/2022 06:21

This is extremely unhealthy, and he clearly has you driven down to an anxious mess.

I recognise it because my ex husband did it to me. That and many other awful reasons are why he's my ex.

So choose yourself here. Get rid of him, because he sounds like an absolute barrel of wank.