To ask whether to take my son to party -bereavement related

[FishersGate]

My DH has just been called to hospital as MILs death I think is imminent. This was not unexpected she is pallative.

My DS has a friends birthday party some distance away which means I won't get back till about 2pm tomorrow.

Obviously I need to carry on as normal for DS and that is my instinct but I want to be of support to DH too. He only has SIL there they don't have any other family.

Do I carry on and take DS to the party?

How old is your son?

I'd ask your DH what he needs and go from there. He and his sister may want to deal.woth things alone or he may need you to be there. Eithter way, give him what he says he needa.
Sorry for your/his loss.

Deal with*
Needs*

Ugh, sorry for sausage fingers!

He's 6

He hasn't really stated obviously yet. He will phone when it happens but I am guessing he doesn't really know exactly until the time comes. When fil passed it was sudden and without children so was easier to navigate

I'd take him

Not sure why you need to carry on as normal when a family member is dying. I'd cancel attending the party.

I would talk with your husband in a few hours and see what the situation is. He may want you around. Even if just to make drinks for him and sil. Or maybe they plan to go back to mil house after. Sorry this is happening.

I'd plan to take him, but let the host know things are up in the air for you, so you feel able to cancel at short notice or leave early if needed. As it stands you and DS will be sitting around at home, but to what benefit - there'll be plenty of time to help him understand what's going on and start to process his feelings. No need to start that now unless or until your DH says it's what he wants. I don't think it's disrespectful if that's what you're concerned about.

Thank you. Yes I won't be telling DS or my DD until the actual time comes. It's more whether DH needs the support as he had been struggling.

I don't want my children to just be sitting around the house etc unless it's really necessary. Death is part of life but it's important life doesn't stop for them

There's no dilemma. You stay to support your husband with his bereavement. Your son is six and can go to other parties in the future.

Ask your DH

Is it a school friends party? I would gladly take someone in those circumstances, even if I was hosting. And I’d take them for the whole day if it was helping the family.

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

I will but equally don't want to put pressure on him in circumstances

Yes it is. I think this may make DH worry more though if I wasn't with DS. Sounds silly doesn't it.

I might see if my DM is around but I don't think she is.

Different but my dad died suddenly this year and I told my husband just to carry on as normal and go to work etc, in my eyes there wasn't anything he could do anyway so just keep the kids going. Months down the line my husband is still horrifically upset with himself for doing as I asked, he really regrets not just being there for me on the day it happened so how you might feel if you aren't there for your husband will you regret it?

My thoughts go out to your family.My dd was 8 when my dm was end of life. 78 miles away. I was by dm's side and was able to concentrate on my dm, my own grief, looking after my dad and brother while my dh looked after dd at home. It took all the pressure off and I could do what was needed. Dh and dd travelled up after she passed to be with me. Same just recently with my dads passing. There is no right or wrong way to do this. We tried to keep everything normalish for our dd before her dgp's passed. 💐

Death is part of life and it is entirely normal that some aspects of life do stop for it, for children as well as adults.
There is a modern toxicity around death (often seen on threads on MN) where it is suggested everyone should just plough on.

The party is not very important, really, either way. I would ask my husband and also see what was best. I'd explain to the kids and help them with whatever they need. I'd not worry at all about cancelling late if I decide to do that - these circs justify late cancellation.

I would take him but let the host know you may need to leave.

I took my 2 year old daughter to a party the afternoon of the day my step mum died as I needed the normality. However it was in a church hall and I did leave a friend in charge of my daughter while I sat in the church for a bit. This also gave me some time to cry.

Be there for your husband. Cancel the party.

You only have one mother. Them dying is a big deal. Your husbands needs are more important right now. (I say this as someone who has lost both parents.

I think I would still go. If you are going to be home by 2pm, there is a chance your DH may not be home much before then anyway. IME when hospitals call relatives in it can be quite some time before the person actually passes (I understand this isn’t always the case but IME it has been). Continue for now but let the party parent know so if you need it change plans or cancel last minute it’s not a problem.

It sounds like there isn't much time left, if so I think you should cancel your plans. Your husband needs you and you can use the time to prepare your children.
I'm sorry your MIL is dying.

What would MIL want?

When my mum died earlier this year she'd made me promise 5 days previously I'd take ds to a big sporting event the following week whatever happened.

I hadn't wanted to go and be 3 hours away whilst she was so ill (also palliative).

I also ended up taking him less than 36 hours after she died. I didn't want to go. But I went because she didn't want us all waiting for her death or missing things afterwards.

I don't regret going because I did it for her and ds - not for me.

I'd just send DH a text and ask him what he wants you to do for him and if MIL is able to express her wishes ask her.

100% this
Life does not carry on as normal for sometime after death. It's important part of grieving.