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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether to take my son to party -bereavement related

86 replies

FishersGate · 29/12/2022 05:09

My DH has just been called to hospital as MILs death I think is imminent. This was not unexpected she is pallative.

My DS has a friends birthday party some distance away which means I won't get back till about 2pm tomorrow.

Obviously I need to carry on as normal for DS and that is my instinct but I want to be of support to DH too. He only has SIL there they don't have any other family.

Do I carry on and take DS to the party?

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 29/12/2022 06:52

My heart goes out to you and your husband, FishersGate. You sound like a very caring wife and mother, op, and obviously you want to do the right thing.

It's a difficult one; my instinct would be to take your son to the party, be available for your husband before and, more intensively, afterwards.

However up to a point you have to play it by ear; if, on the morning of the party, your husband needed you urgently you'd have to cancel the party going. Your son will need to understand that is a possibility. Tough, isn't it?

I really hope everything works out for you all, Fisher, and that your mother in law's passing, when it comes, is a peaceful one. Your husband will need to grieve and that takes its own time.

Do come back and share with us.

Take care of yourself.

glittermoomoo · 29/12/2022 06:57

Having thought about this further I would cancel. If it happens while you are away your child will know something is up and being at a party is not the place to break the news.

MRex · 29/12/2022 07:00

I'm confused about the party timings. You're going to a party today and wouldn't be back until 2pm tomorrow? That seems ridiculous. Anyway, no I wouldn't be that far away from DH with his mother dying. If you messed up the explanation and the party is just say an hour away, then yes I would keep in touch with DH to ensure nothing happened before leaving, and go but leave early if needed. The children need to do something and DH isn't physically there, plus unlikely to even get home within an hour if she dies in hospital.

Doingmybest12 · 29/12/2022 07:04

I think if he is with his sister it is simpler for all if you are at home holding the fort and this can be taking your child to the party. For me a parent with the child is important. There is no shoulds etc just what feels OK and works for you as a family.

DoneWithHer · 29/12/2022 07:11

watchfulwishes · 29/12/2022 06:28

Death is part of life and it is entirely normal that some aspects of life do stop for it, for children as well as adults.
There is a modern toxicity around death (often seen on threads on MN) where it is suggested everyone should just plough on.

The party is not very important, really, either way. I would ask my husband and also see what was best. I'd explain to the kids and help them with whatever they need. I'd not worry at all about cancelling late if I decide to do that - these circs justify late cancellation.

Flowers

100% this! It is important to be there for your husband, grieve your MIL and help your children understand all of the above. The party is not important!

isthismylifenow · 29/12/2022 07:15

Are you staying over for the party?

I think under the circumstances being there for your DH trumps a children birthday party.

There are many more parties to attend in life. You only get one mum.

Endersduffduff · 29/12/2022 07:16

Do you mean party is overnight? If so, no you shouldn’t go.

if party is a couple of hours away, I’d be tempted to take child but would look to see if there was a back up person to ask to bring them home. So you could leave early if need be.

In saying all that, if child doesn’t know about the party, I’d say don’t go and instead go yo-yo park to pass sometime.

ChristmasCakeAndStilton · 29/12/2022 07:18

If you need to leave this morning, ie Thursday, and wont be back til Friday after lunch, I think you should postpone.
If it is a morning out, and your daughter will have someone to look after her, I think you should probably go.

crisscrosscringle · 29/12/2022 07:19

The party is a moot point- it's the fact you'd need to be away for 24 hours by the sounds of it as it's an overnight trip?

A two hour party - yes, I'd still take him. Dying can take several days, even when imminent, from experience.

An overnight trip and long journey- no, I would want to be around for DH for when he returns home.

PAFMO · 29/12/2022 07:23

Agree with others that if it's an overnight thing for the party and you can't find anyone else to take your son, then you don't go.

Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 07:28

Sorry not overnight party. But the venue is 40 minutes each way plus just over 2 hours so will take up morning from 1015

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 07:29

DD will have to come with me.

OP posts:
brusselspout · 29/12/2022 07:30

FishersGate · 29/12/2022 07:28

Sorry not overnight party. But the venue is 40 minutes each way plus just over 2 hours so will take up morning from 1015

Ok yes from your op it seemed you'd be travelling an actual distance away (not just 40min) as you said you wouldn't be back til 2pm tomorrow.....

isthismylifenow · 29/12/2022 07:35

I would reassess again tomorrow then. It sounded like you were leaving today to return tomorrow at 2pm.

The thing that stood out is that you said your DH is struggling. I think his needs are a priority here.

Can your ds not go with a classmate if it's a class party?

Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 07:36

yahpahha · 29/12/2022 06:22

Different but my dad died suddenly this year and I told my husband just to carry on as normal and go to work etc, in my eyes there wasn't anything he could do anyway so just keep the kids going. Months down the line my husband is still horrifically upset with himself for doing as I asked, he really regrets not just being there for me on the day it happened so how you might feel if you aren't there for your husband will you regret it?

I think I might yes but equally need to support children

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 29/12/2022 07:37

brusselspout · 29/12/2022 07:30

Ok yes from your op it seemed you'd be travelling an actual distance away (not just 40min) as you said you wouldn't be back til 2pm tomorrow.....

Show quote history

Sorry time of morning posting etc

OP posts:
Strawberrysundaeonamonday · 29/12/2022 07:40

I would take him.
Normality for your son is the important thing. It already sounds like he might be losing his Nan, I think I would want him to have a last bit of fun and normality before that happens. There would be nothing you could really do for your DH if you stayed, I think you would be of more use to your son.

BarrelOfOtters · 29/12/2022 07:43

I think that things do stop for a death. Things are different. Especially at that age for a granny.

Tallulasdancingshoes · 29/12/2022 07:49

I wouldn’t go, it’s only a kids party and I’m sure there will be plenty more in the future. I’d hate to come home to an empty house after my mum had just died.

TheDuck2018 · 29/12/2022 07:51

To me there is no question about this, in a situation like this, I would cancel the party and be there for my husband the minute he needed me. Your child is 6, stay at home and do something nice with him and he won't care whether he's at a party or not. Your husband will care if you're not there at such an awful time for him.

gogohmm · 29/12/2022 07:55

I would wait and see, drs can struggle to predict these things, it could be imminent (today) or a few more days. If no news by the time you need to leave go to the party.

I would also suggest gently telling the children that their grandmother is very ill if you haven't already, at that age they won't take it in at first but I found it helpful than simply waiting until after the death to mention she had even been ill

Mindymomo · 29/12/2022 07:56

Both my parents and in-laws are no longer with us. When they were in hospital we carried on as normal as possible for the DC sake. When my DM was in hospital I took DS to a party, went to visit my DM then picked DS up after. My DM died the next day after I spent all day with her, the hospital rang 30 minutes after I left to say she had died. The following day DH had plans with DC they didn’t think they should go, but I told them that DM wouldn’t want them to cancel anything. It’s very sad, but your lives and your DC lives have to continue and there will be lots of days when everyone can grieve.

isthismylifenow · 29/12/2022 07:58

FishersGate · 29/12/2022 07:36

I think I might yes but equally need to support children

Show quote history

Can I ask support the children how?

As in keeping them busy / entertained or due to them losing a grandparent.

If you meant the latter, you can explain to them after.

You don't know now how your DH may be feeling when his mother passes.

Children don't always need to come first. And I say this as a mother to two now adult children.

Chasingsquirrels · 29/12/2022 07:58

I think your update on the timings changes things (ie 2pm today, not tomorrow).
I would plan to take DS to the party, but know that things might change.

cptartapp · 29/12/2022 08:04

My DM was killed in a car accident on the last day of the summer holidays and both DC went back to school the next day. Not the same I know but they were fine, and tbh left us free to focus on the practicalities.
In your case I'd ask a friend to take them unless DC didn't want to go.

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